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how to deal with difficult people as a buddhist
paska
Explorer
i am learning to take people how they are even if their abusive including myself. how to not be abusive person and live like a saintly being with these abusive people
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These are from the Dhammapada:
All tremble at the rod, all are fearful of death. Drawing the parallel to yourself, neither kill nor get others to kill. (Verse 129)
Victory begets enmity; the defeated dwell in pain. Happily the peaceful live, discarding both victory and defeat. (Verse 201)
One, who controls his anger when aroused, is like a clever driver who controls a fast going carriage; the others are like those who merely hold the reins.
Greater in battle than the man who would conquer a thousand-thousand men, is he who would conquer just one — himself. (Verse 103)
Better than a thousand hollow words Is one word that brings peace.
"He insulted me, hit me, beat me, robbed me" — for those who brood on this, hostility isn't stilled. "He insulted me, hit me, beat me, robbed me" — for those who don't brood on this, hostility is stilled. Hostilities aren't stilled through hostility, regardless. Hostilities are stilled through non-hostility: this, an unending truth. (Verses 3-5)
I can only speak from my own experience and I don't know too many abusive people. I had a boss who basically thought I was a bad employee and it made me worried because I was ashamed of not being good and also thought she was making a snap judgement. I just did my work and ignored her but secretly I would think a long narrative about how she shouldn't treat me like that and how she was hypocritical as she was on a trip to Europe for three months and she is telling me that I am slow.
My girlfriend has a lot of people at her work (Goodwill) who are kind of catty low class people. She focuses on enjoying the customers who come in. It is similar to me 'just doing my work'. Reframe the rude people as people who are un-wholesome and see that it is meaningless what they think or do. But be careful not to take that instruction as a negation of them or sort of closing down and avoiding them. It is a dissempowerment of them being meaningless to your life rather than being averse to them or shying away. So then find meaning in something more constructive to you which might even be kindness to these rude people but not beholden to them.
Sometimes our attitude determines the way people react to us or treat us.
In general, a resolute countenance on our part will deter people from behaving rudely to us or make the abuse be short-lived.
Usually, not engaging in abuse, but being respectful and making yourself respected, or downright ignoring the abusive behaviour, is the best way to make abusive people naturally more scarce in your life.
If you engage in the abuse, you will never break the cycle.
how to deal with difficult people as a buddhist
"Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change!"
You may not realise it but the abuser is also suffering, they wouldn't do what they do if they were not suffering in some way...
Try to see them in a different light... Also "Metta" meditation practice will help...
Buddhism is all about you figuring yourself out. I don't know about the saintly presence, I doubt that is truly "Buddhist". Maybe Christian? Buddhists know they are imperfect and capable of really screwing up.
I think taking it one step at a time towards a more compassionate way of thinking, feeling and acting. We need to practice mindfulness, so that we can catch these negative thoughts and feelings which will then lead to action. If we are not present, we can easily act out of hurt and anger with malice and aggression.
I have been developing stronger compassion since becoming a Buddhist, metta is very helpful and remembering the precepts and karmic value of thoughts and actions. Recently, I have being practicing mindfulness more and realizing that my automatic stream of thoughts have quite a few negative, aggressive or judgmental thoughts (especially when tired, stressed or restless) - in practicing mindfulness I can notice these thoughts and feelings more and become more compassionate. If we are not aware then we can easily act automatically, out of anger and aggression; mindfulness is a gate keeper and watchful eye.
Robian Courtin, a Buddhist nun, also gives some great advice, she says we can often get addicted to beating ourselves up when we act without compassion - "oh I said one snipey comment - I am a TERRIBLE Buddhist, I am so stupid, I hate myself - why can't I behave kindly?". Rather than doing this, we must rejoice in our development. She gave the example of a prison inmate who was working on his anger and compassion. This guy was a gang member in for murdering 4 people. She went to see him and asked him how he was getting on and he said he was doing terribly, as he had put his cellmates head down a toilet in a fight. However, Robina pointed out that this was actually a positive development, because he pulled the guys head out of the toilet rather than drowning him... She argues that we should rejoice in our developments as this will fuel us on to become more compassionate people and avoid discouragement and reversion.
Once a reporter asked Donald Trump
"How do you deal with your employee who do not listen you or do not co operate?".
Trump replied "I do not deal with them anymore, they are now working for others"
A course I did in personality types.
They had an accountant who was seen as a bad employee. He was falling behind in his work and his work was full of errors.
He claimed he couldn't concentrate at work.
They got a behaviour specialist in to chat with him over the problem.
They eventually ascertained he can only concentrate without other people around. They put him in his own office and he excelled to be one of their best.
Another tale for thought .
I thought all people were difficult the more you had to interact with them.
I just try to be good natured and bring up lighthearted (sometimes silly) subjects. One can always pleasantly change the subject for a while. I know you can't get away with that particular technique with an immediate superior for long if there's a subject to be discussed, but it does help to engage that superior with lighthearted stuff from time to time. The biggest problem in the world is that people's worlds are too small.
Just don't you be from a small world!