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Please help me! What should I do?
MayD
US New
I'm living with my mother who is very negative and paranoid. She shouts in anger when she hears construction work or if her TV has static. She also stomps her feet or bang on the walls thinking that it will help stop these occurrecess. When I try to reason with her she shouts at me and becomes even more angry for not understanding. I think I'm going crazy living with her negativity. I don't know what's the right thing to do...I can't leave my old mother to fend for herself but I can't continue living like this either.
1
Comments
Sometimes, it helps to remember that she feels that way, and reacts that way, out of suffering. It's hard when you live with someone so different from you. That happens a lot in families. Don't bother trying to reason with her when she is upset or angry. You could try talking to her about it in a neutral environment. Go for a picnic or dinner or something (if you think it would be ok to discuss at a restaurant) or a short walk or just a quiet spot in the house. Wait for a good time. Explain to her that her yelling affects you and makes you feel uncomfortable in the home that you share. Sometimes, people just don't realize the effects their behavior has on others around them. Sometimes when they are older, they dont seem to care and kind of take on a "i'm old, darn it, I'll do what I want and you can just deal with it!" attitude. My grandma did that a lot, I helped to care for her and she lived right next door until she died. But I think that attitude and their anger and frustration comes out of a fear of death and frustration with their declining bodies. Try to imagine how you will feel one day when you cannot hear normally, or get up without hurting, or remember as well. One day, we will all be in that spot. How would you want someone, especially your child that you gave life to, loved and cared for and supported for so many years, to treat you?
I don't think talking with her would help. I've tried bringing it up when she wasn't angry and she becomes angered again just by the thought of it cause she feels like she's being judged by me when I ask her why she has so much anger.
I think @karasti has it about right....it's a fear reaction not one of anger so much, my son used to get really in a snit when he couldn't get a tv channel to come in and other seemingly petty stuff, so I think it's one of a feeling of fear because of the lack of control she has over her surroundings, wishing it were calmer and quieter. It seems impossible to have patience with those who are going through that, but it's the right thing to do for both of you. Let her know that you commiserate and would love to have it quieter. You can get a decent amount of mileage from giving her a hug and a smile, maybe.
Can you adjust yourself to the situation; your mum? Could you try just letting her be negative and just let it wash over you?
Or maybe try to understand - really understand - why she's that way, a bit like you already understand why toddlers throw tantrums or why dogs bark; it's what they do.
Or you could try to imagine your mum to be a 'Buddha in disguise' and she's there to teach you some patience and tolerance.
And of course there's some practical stuff you can do, if you're not doing it already, like getting yourself out of the house and doing something you enjoy without your Mum being around.
Living with people isn't easy though.
@MayD
If **you **can learn to meditate within such a difficult setting, you'll have developed a substantial basis of practice in which to navigate life.
Many who only learn to meditate within pastoral settings, find such a practice to have poorly prepared them for the adversarial realities of life.
How you say something can matter a lot. Instead of asking why she is angry, maybe you could offer to help relieve what she sees as a problem. Can you rearrange furniture so construction noises don't impact her so much? Can you do something about tv static? Or whatever issues might come up otherwise? She might be frustrated with those scenarios but her frustration is coming from a deeper place. Lack of control is a common one.
I tend to be an easily frustrated person. It's all about expectations. She probably isn't at a place in her life that she wants to be lectured about expectations and letting go of them. But you can work on understanding what her expectations are and doing what you can. It's hard when people and the world around you don't conform to your ideal preferences, lol. She isn't conforming to what you want and need out of your living environment, and factors in hers aren't conforming to her expectations/needs/wants. Sometimes we learn how to fix it. Sometimes we just have to live with it.
My grandma used to constantly yell at people at the grocery store when I would take her shopping. She was mad everything was up so high, but she was under 5 feet tall. She was mad she couldn't see well so yelled at people to get things for her. It was horribly embarrassing and made me dread shopping with her all the time. Knowing I had to take her made me crabby all day. She was just dealing with the frustrations of a changed body. I really had nothing to be frustrated by, honestly. She died in September. I miss her. Would love to hear her yell at someone
Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I'll try to see my mother's tantrums with a more open heart.
I made this post 2 years ago about dealing with my difficult grandma. Maybe you will find some good answers in the responses I got.
It was interesting to read through it again. I thought she was the source of my crankiness. She was not. She is gone, and I am still often cranky. Unhappy with things in my life and struggling to find a way to control them. Nothing big, it's very doable, just need to be more organized and honest with myself. But that is something to think about, too. It is easy to put our moods and states on someone else. But it may not be true at all that you would feel better if they weren't here.
My grandma got sick not long after I posted. She slept a lot and stopped demanding so much. She eventually went into the hospital and had a massive stroke. The last year with her was pretty good, and we had some wonderful visits and conversations. She had a lot to offer in understanding myself and my family, and I treasure the moments I had with her.
http://newbuddhist.com/discussion/21101/is-it-possible-to-teach-yourself-to-like-someone/p1
How old are you, @MayD ...?
Thank you, @Karasti, for referring to your previous post. My elderly mother is slowly but surely becoming that way, and reading the discussion was really helpful. I’d advice anybody who has to deal with an angry elderly relative to read it!
I never dare to talk to my mother about personal things, because I know by experience that it is going to come back to me with a sting attached. It is a question of self defence, as it can be very painful. Consequently, we only talk about the weather...Fortunately the weather is quit changeable!
I think she don't shout on you then nothing to worry. You may sit in another room if you don' t like the way she reacts. My brother is same like you mentioned about your mother. Just do not make arguments because this will again make her angry. Having mother is beautiful and blessful thing in life.
People do become aggressive at old age due to problems of health
@federica I'm in my mid 20s, if that makes a difference.
What can you do? Be an example.
I'm glad; I was hoping you were not younger. It would be a difficult burden to cope with... but then again, you must have been through it then, too... this has been a challenging time for you, I'm sure....
How long has your mum had these kinds of moods?
Have they progressively become worse?
How old is your mum?
Could it be age-related with her....?
Thanks for worrying about me @federica I don't think it's age related. Ever since my father passed away she has gotten this way. She was worse right after his death but has since stabilized. Her attitude hasn't gotten worse but it hasn't improved much either. It's overwhelming sometimes to deal with her because she's so stubborn and negative. I internalize her anger a lot even though she doesn't specifically yell at me because it feels like she's angry at my inadequacy to help her. A lot of times she also gives me attitude even though her anger is directed at someone/something else, which contributes to me thinking it's my fault. Logically I know I shouldn't take it too personally or get swept up by her negativity but my emotions along with the situation are hard to control. During those times I seek guidance to find light in the darkening hole that envelopes me.