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Seeking your advice PLEASE!
I have this situation and need some help from my wonderful online sangha friends...
It's a long story and I'll spare you the details but I am having a hard time dealing with an old friend. We've known each-other over a decade and even when our kids were young they were very good friends. As life continues obviously people grow apart and that's what happened here. I am ok with this growing apart but the "friend" is still very negative and I think maybe feels hurt at this happening. He seems to be clinging to a small incident that happened 5-6 years ago. I am in a band and I was playing our set at a show. The microphone I was using was this friends mic. He says I smashed it and caused damage. Which I very well might have spiked it on the ground after our set, I don't honestly remember doing so. I actually have tape of the show but have not found it to watch it and check. Anyway, I have been cordial with this person's e-mails and have told him I will gladly take responsibility if and when I learn if I even did this deed. Anyway, he says he is all done with the crap yet I go on forums and message boards he frequents and can see negative things he says about me. He talks of how I am a supposed bad father (my kids would beg to differ on the one), how I've dissed my family by becoming a buddhist, calls me names, etc. I have a hard time not getting agitated by this. It makes me want to e-mail or call him and just say F@$k off, but I know it's not going to help the situation so I don't. How can I handle an old friend that will not let go of the negativity of the past and continues to be negative every time my name comes up? He tells me he is done and won't continue talking crap but less than a day later he's right back at it and like I said, it's very unstabling to me. The crazy thing is, the supposed event was 5-6 years ago like I said but when we were friends it was never brought to my attention. So I don't know, I guess my main concern is how to handle the situation in a compassionate and mindful way to cause no harm to either side. Especially when the other side is making idle threats of possible violence amongst other things.
What the hell do I do? This is stressing me out like crazy....
It's a long story and I'll spare you the details but I am having a hard time dealing with an old friend. We've known each-other over a decade and even when our kids were young they were very good friends. As life continues obviously people grow apart and that's what happened here. I am ok with this growing apart but the "friend" is still very negative and I think maybe feels hurt at this happening. He seems to be clinging to a small incident that happened 5-6 years ago. I am in a band and I was playing our set at a show. The microphone I was using was this friends mic. He says I smashed it and caused damage. Which I very well might have spiked it on the ground after our set, I don't honestly remember doing so. I actually have tape of the show but have not found it to watch it and check. Anyway, I have been cordial with this person's e-mails and have told him I will gladly take responsibility if and when I learn if I even did this deed. Anyway, he says he is all done with the crap yet I go on forums and message boards he frequents and can see negative things he says about me. He talks of how I am a supposed bad father (my kids would beg to differ on the one), how I've dissed my family by becoming a buddhist, calls me names, etc. I have a hard time not getting agitated by this. It makes me want to e-mail or call him and just say F@$k off, but I know it's not going to help the situation so I don't. How can I handle an old friend that will not let go of the negativity of the past and continues to be negative every time my name comes up? He tells me he is done and won't continue talking crap but less than a day later he's right back at it and like I said, it's very unstabling to me. The crazy thing is, the supposed event was 5-6 years ago like I said but when we were friends it was never brought to my attention. So I don't know, I guess my main concern is how to handle the situation in a compassionate and mindful way to cause no harm to either side. Especially when the other side is making idle threats of possible violence amongst other things.
What the hell do I do? This is stressing me out like crazy....
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Comments
but anyway tell each how u feel, in a calm manner.. otherwise it'll just continue.. i guess.. theres tips like these in thich nhat hahn books.. like 'anger-buddhist wisdom for healing the flames'
Like I mentioned, he and I have known each-other a long time. For whatever reason there has always been this behind the back talk, and I've now decided to drift out of this "friendship". The bigger issue is this person has a couple issues in which they have to take serious medications for, mainly for anger, etc. I don't mean to talk about them in negative manner but this person scares my wife. She feels that if I try to talk with him it will become volatile and one of us might get physically and or mentally hurt.
On a lighter note, I know this guy to be a decent father to his kids. He's raising them himself. One of them is Autistic and is very straining on him but he endures and does what he needs to do to be a good Dad. His ex (the mother of the kids) is in jail because of drugs etc and he is very spiteful to her, which in a way can understand. But anyway I digress, I am just saying I know he is trying to do his best and I have never given him flack about his parenting "skills".
sorry guys, this really has me riled up....
Palzang
You may be able to help yourself by noticing what you are getting out of the ongoing confrontations. This is not a judgmental or critical thing: it is simply asking oneself, "What do I get in return? What am I trying to get? Are they the same thing?"
Palzang's advice is sound indeed. "Birds of a feather flock together": if you want to leave the flock of the angry and disappointed, you may need to change a few feathers LOL.
This is a really hard thing to have to do and we need to be aware that, if we remove ourselves from the exchange and, thus, terminate the exchanges, he may also experience benefit.
I responded by sending him a PM, which he ignored, so in the third person (as he didn't mention my name) i replied politely on forum, in the thread.
since then, he has pointedly remarkjed that he's ignoring my posts, as he doesn't trust the content, and neither should anyone else, because i am two-faced and I seem to mistrust everyone, whilst my contributions are cloaked in the guise of friendship...
I'm ignoring his snide remarks, and responding to his general posts as if nothing had happened, with politeness, interest and dignity. Good word that, 'dignity'....
I have since received messages from others of the opinion that he's doing no harm save to himself in the long run.... very kind and supportive, and stating that I did the right thing in not divulging my personal details.
However, as with all things really, it's karma, and this too shall pass. Or to put it another way, 'every day is one day less'.....
Remember your Politeness, Respect and Dignity.
Think twice.
Speak once.
Good luck.
If you have an suspicion whatsoever that this guy may become violent in any way, in word or deed, my best advice is to stay as far away from him as possible and have no contact at all. If you feel that you want to replace the microphone you can send it in the mail. Please understand that any threat to you is also a threat to your wife and children because they need you, healthy and intact.
I'd also stop writing anything about him or the situation in that online forum. Anonymous forums are never the right place to work through problems in a relationship, no matter what that relationship may be. They're just too public a place to work through such personal things.
Again, if you feel any sort of threat of violence please turn your back and never contact him again. If he chooses not to accept this you have every right to go to the police and take out a restraining order (be sure to include your wife and children in the order). This may seem extreme right now but I've seen situations like this get out of hand very, very quickly. Things can be going along alright, albeit tensely, and then out of nowhere violence strikes. Remember that humans are not always the most predictable creatures.
I'm thinking of you and hope this situation works out quickly.
it seems like you have been given some sound advice indeed. myself i like to read ppls suggestions and take alil from each, like you said.. you no the guy and what would work etc..
if it were me.. i would send a new mic in the mail with a letter attached saying.. i may have messed up somewhere, im not sure.. but im deeply sorry for anything along the way that may have bothered you about me.
something along that line.. giving this poor guy compassion .. that he so badly needs.
my intent would be to "make him feel better"
and give the guy a new mic .. for what ever its worth.
and of course i would sever all ties. wishin him best/doin your best
and .......... then move on!
metta LFA
__________________
Here is $20 to cover whatever repairs you think the mic needs, you said in an e-mail that amount should cover it. I have not looked at the videotape of the show and I'm not going to worry about whether or not I do see the tape. You feel you were wronged so I am doing my part to take care of the matter. I hope the $20 covers the repair and you are happy with the mic being fixed.
Other than that man I have a few last things to say and please do not take any of it out of context. I am saying these things to you and ask for you to keep all this between you and I, cause that is who it is between, noone else. This letter may get a bit long winded but bear with me and read what I have to say please.
We've known each-other for a long time now and I am disappointed that our once good friendship has turned into animosity, that was never my intention. I've got many memories in my mind of some crazy stuff we've been through, good times and bad. But being good friends we always made it through and stood by our friendship. I'm sorry if you feel I ever wronged you, like I said above that was never my intention. Unfortunately now things look like they will never return to what they were, but that's all part of life I guess and as people lead there lives sometimes they go in different directions. Obviously ours have gone in different directions and I am fine with that. I have some awesome memories of things we did, whether it be drinking and being silly at 6-am and tipping over Fed-Ex boxes, smoking in the golf course next to the Egg & I, going to shows, riding Sean's 3-wheelers in Stowe, getting tattoos in NH, etc. There are many more great memories and I'll always look back at each one and smile. I was there when your 3 children came into the world and I am happy for you & for the boys, they are all great kids and you are a great dad for stepping up to the plate and doing what you needed to do to take care of them the best way you could. You deserve credit for that and more. You've been through alot and you've always stood right back, keep that up man, it's a great trait to have.
I wish all the best for your family, not just you and the kids but your brothers, mother and father. Regardless of the things that happen between you and them always remember they are your family and will support you before anyone else would.
As our lives move along in separate directions I hope your future holds great things for you and that you accomplish any and all goals you may have. I will keep the positive things close to me from here on out and look back at our friendship with happiness and gratitude.
Thanks for everything you've ever done for me Byron, I really appreciate it.
If we happen to cross paths again, which I'm sure will happen here on Cape Cod, I hope you'll be as cordial as I plan to be. I hold no animosity at all and don't believe our lives need to be hostile to one another. With that I'll just say thanks again for the many memories and apologize one final time for all the wrongs I may have done to you. Good luck with everything Byron!
Respectfully,
Nate DeMontigny
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So that all being said do you think I am taking the "compassionate" route or am I doing more harm than good?
Also, keep in mind the drinking and smoking bits of the story were many years ago, as were all the other dumb things I have done.
Palzang
i wont pic apart any of the letter my dear..cas it came from you and its your thoughts and your friend. so it has to be all good.
metta in all of this..
you are a concienious, great guy!
Ah-meen! You AND me, both, LFA! You're doin it, baby! Chin up!
If he wishes to persist in his behaviour and continue the hostilities, it's him who can't put a period to it, not you.
From now, ignore any contact, other than the placatory reciprocal kind.....
Good Job!
I was slow on getting in this thread - but I think you did a wonderful job.
So - you paid $20 to get his mic fixed... I like Pally's idea of a "random act of kindness". I think you were very supportive and genuine in your email.
I hope it all works out for you. Sometimes it doesn't - but at least you can look at this situation with the mindset that you honestly tried to do everything you could with compassion.
You won't be laying awake at night when you're old thinking, "Boy... I sure wish I would have handled that differently..."
-bf
2. Don't respond to any ramblings (on forums) that he "contributes" to-although i've been working on BF for ages, he just refuses to take the hint! (just joking Mick-PM me ya mongrel)
3. I get the feeling he is jealous of your talent-rather than the stupid mic.
4. Thanks to all the people who responded to this, I have not found one that would not help.
cheers all
Xray
Xray, I'd love to respond to a certain part of your comment, and the hook is set in deep, but I will not and just say in a way you are on the right track. Thanks for your comment as well.
And just to let you all know, it's been a week and no response so I think it worked! YAY!!!
Palzang
Palzang