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My loss...and how to comfort those who've lost someone
This month I lost someone very dear to me in a car accident. She was my best friend, my roommate for the last couple months, and my (platonic) soul mate. She was a very devout Catholic (she even gave up chocolate for Lent). I'm atheist and a Buddhist, but I was raised Catholic. One thing I loved about her was that she did not try to impose her beliefs on me or try to change me. Instead, she was excited to have someone to discuss different belief systems with (as was I).I had been to the funeral of a lady once where the preacher used it as an excuse to preach hell fire instead of talking about the lady herself. Needless to say, I didn't care for that. I was pleased to see that my friend's funeral was, although very Catholic (as she would have wished), not overly preachy (i.e. "no convert or burn").
Still, it's hard for me when so many people keep trying to cheer me up by saying things about how "The Lord took her because he needed another angel" or "Jesus decided she was too perfect for this world" or "Don't be sad, she's in heaven now." Of course, most people don't know what my actual beliefs are and I'm sure everyone who says these things at least assumes I'm Christian. I know they mean well, but I dislike the assumptions about my beliefs and, perhaps more, I dislike being told how to feel. I'll be cheerful again, but not about this and not for their reasons. And yeah, since I don't believe in the same things they do, what they say just isn't comforting, period. It's feels like when someone repeats a really bad urban legend and you want to correct them but you can't.
Oh, and my mom, who was nice enough to come over the day of the accident was hardly in the door 10 minutes when she started preaching to me about how I need to attend church and observe Lent - and at least she knows that my friend is going to heaven because she did all that. All I needed were hugs!
Part of my reason for writing this is because there aren't many other places where I can and I maybe I need to rant a little. Also, it would be nice to hear a fellow Buddhist's perspective on all of this (or even just a non-Christian perspective for a change, though Christian perspectives are certainly still welcome).
Also, do you have any suggestions on what sort of things I might say that might be comforting to her family and friends without compromising my own beliefs and integrity or offending them? (I know better than to walk up to them and say "Sorry for your loss, but be happy that she's fertilizer now").
I've tried to not hold anyone's words against them this month because I know it's hard to know what to say right now and everything seems to come out wrong. I don't feel that I'm angry at anyone by any means, just frustrated by the entire situation.
And that's another things... I keep hearing "How could God do this?", "Why did God let this happen?", "Why her?", etc. It seems like a lot of people want to blame their god or just see a plan in it. I don't - because I don't see the need for their be a plan or purpose. In a way, I think that makes it easier. But maybe it's just as easy for those who see a purpose in it all. And I can't help thinking how silly it is that some people blame and praise their god for everything that happens - the kind of people who think they'll win or loose the lottery based on how hard they pray and how much their god thinks they should have it. I don't believe the people themselves are silly, let me be clear, and I can see some bit of comfort in their belief, but...well...again, I'm just sick and tired of being told that EVERYTHING is "God's plan".
And yes, this does bring back all those old questions about the afterlife, or almost certainly lack thereof, and what is life anyways, and does any of it matter. Fortunately, I had already settled the questions as best as I think I can for now. However, the reminder that I'm going to die along with everyone around me SUCKS!
Anyways, those are my thoughts.
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Comments
First of all, my deepest sympathy for your loss. Every death is, to those who are left, an absence and a loss. No words can ever 'make up' for so absolute a departure: no postcards come from 'the beyond' (whatever that may or may not be).
Much of what people say to the bereaved is a clumsy attempt to get them to cheer up so that the speaker does not have to deal with the reality of the pain.
The wisest thing that was said to me was before my wife, Chris, died. We had just had the final diagnosis and I knew that we had a maximum of six months left. Chris was in pain and I rang our local hospital for a prescription. Despite the pharmacy being closed, the attending physician told me to come straight over as he had a supply of diamorphine. (Our local hospital is staffed by local General Practitioners and he was a doctor who knew us - and our GP had left notes there, too) As I was leaving, the doc walked with me. He put his hand on my arm and said: "We are in unknown territory now. Just remember we are here to help where we can." It was the kindest thing anyone had said - and was a new statement: "unknown territory", just what I was feeling, along with deep anger at the trite crap that was coming at us from friends and family.
Finding someone or something to blame is normal. Grief is a complex and exhausting experience; one which most people seem to want to bargain away or deny.
Never make the mistake, dear DK, that grief is somehow not OK. This came home to me when, 18 months after Chris's death, we were in a private audience with HHDL. He asked Jack about her passing and, as we spoke of her, he wept with us. Later, he shared teaching with us and a joke or two. Emotional health comes not from denial but from the free flow of its energy, neither clinging to nor shying away from feelings as they arise and pass.
May you find comfort in your memories and in sharing stories of your dear friend. Friendship does not end with her death: you will carry your share of that relationship as long as you choose to do so.
Many thanks for your considerate and helpful reply. I think you are very true about speakers trying to cheer up the bereaved to avoid the reality of it all. The set phrases I hear feel like someone trying to hurry up and change the subject, but I don't want to, especially at times like at her wake or funeral. It was like her coffin was the cliché "elephant in the room". I think it does explain further why I react the way I do to those phrases, but it also gives me insight into how others are feeling. Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that there are subjects that are really hard for others to talk about. I'm typically an open book and I'll talk about anything - that's how I get through things.
I like what the doctor said. As often as I've lost a loved one (and I'm in my early 20's!) it is always unknown territory. Maybe that's just life, but I think it is especially apparent in times like this. The normal flow of things, the normal expectations, it's all broken and I don't know where I'm headed right now. It is always good to know that I have friends and family and even strangers out there who are willing to help.
No worries about me and grief. We are old buddies. I watch others try to "be strong", for who or what I don't know. Maybe they think that once they start crying that they will never stop. My husband has mostly cried in private and that's his right, but when he shares those tears with me there is something there, some deep connection that helps. Of course, I certainly don't question his loss or anyone elses' loss despite how much or little they cry. But maybe it's good to see others cry because it is something to share and because it gives everyone else permission to join in.
Two weeks later, I'm still crying everyday, but not all day. And I know it will be less and less over time. I think I will miss it in a way, because it means that things aren't quite as clear and sharp as they were. Right now everything reminds me of her, and as painful as that is, I will miss those memories. That's one reason I've been trying to type things out as they come to me. Maybe then I can let go just a little bit more, if I know that I have a backup system of sorts.
But it may also be helpful to remember that death is the great teacher. Meeting death is what drove the Buddha to seek enlightenment so that he and all sentient beings could escape the wheel of suffering, the endless cycle of death and rebirth, once and for all. Rather than avoiding death, I think it is much more important to embrace death, to become intimately involved with it, so that you too can understand why we need to practice. Death is the ultimate answer to ego.
Palzang
You know those "Ahaaah! / lightbulb" moments....? Well, this was just one great big one, and together with another book I read simultaneously (Cave in the Snow) just helped so much slot a little further into place....
talk about being blindsided by a sledgehammer.....
Palzang, you truly have my gratitude.
Every time I look in a mirror now, I just think "You are as you are, not as you were, and not as you will be....".
I visualise myself in the worst state possible, and know that things happen as they do, because they are what they are.
I offer little or nothing here, save more Compassion than I can express, and a cuddle.
If it helps.
I can not express in words the pain that stabs the heart so when such a loss comes.
I am truly sorry for your loss.
What wonderful words Simon.............
Namaste'
I'm so sorry for your great loss and I'm sending you all my love and deepest thoughts of comfort and peace. I lost my best friend in a car crash when we were 26 (I'm now 39) and I'm still going through times when I'm astonished that she's actually gone. Last week I had a string of dreams in which she "came back" as if she'd been out of the country or something. I kept asking her "Where the hell have you been? Why did it take you so long to come back?" but she never answers my questions. In the dreams I felt as if everything was finally all right again, as if something integral had been wrong while she was away and now that she was back I felt such huge relief, like everything was okay again, right again. But when I wake up from the dreams there's no grief when I realize they were just dreams. I've gotten over the loss so the grief is gone. All I feel is this sense of awe that's she's actually gone, not here anymore, not alive, not on this earth. It's such a huge, strange feeling. It really is "unknown territory" as Simon's wise doctor put it. My heart goes out to you, DK, and I'm sending you big, gentle cyber hugs as you are grieving.
I know what you mean when you say grief is an old friend. Grief is sometimes not all that unpleasant. It's such a straightforward emotion and it has a wonderful physical outlet. It's simple and clear. It's all the other stuff, the complicated stuff, that I find difficult.
When you're talking to Christians and others about your friend you can always focus on what she meant to you and to others while she was alive, what her life meant, the kind of person she was and the legacy she left. You can talk about the loss and the grief too. I hope those memories soon come with a sense of comfort and peace.
"The candle has a light. That light, one little candle from this shrine can light so many other candles, without itself being diminished. In the same way, we are not diminished by tragedy, by our suffering. If we surrender, if we can be with it, transparent and unwavering--making peace with the fiercest emotion, the most unspeakable loss, with death--we can free ourselves. And in that release, there is a radiance. We are like lights in the world, and our life becomes a blessing for everyone."
---Sister Medhanandi at Amaravati Buddhist Monastery, Nov. 1996
Pnutbudder
Dear DharmaKitten: Here, no doubt, is more of the same: Words, words, words. (When only touching and hugging will do)
It's just not right that your friend was taken away from us. Here are W. H. Auden's concluding words from "Funeral Blues," made famous by the movie Four Weddings and a Funeral:
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
There does seem to be a lot of injustice empowered in the world after we lose someone dear to us. And it is rather sickening when some insist that justice or mercy is being done.
Remember that you were a dear friend; and what, in the realm of all possibilities, could have been better than that?
First off, thank you for your honesty. However, I think there is a crucial difference between lying in self pity and just accepting feelings as they come. I am going on with life, as I must and I know that things will get better. I don't think there is anything to "work through" if you mean that there is some sort of goal I need to reach. I certainly try not to use pain as an excuse to get out of things that I should do, but that doesn't me that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with feeling grief over loosing my best friend. I know that as the dictionaries tend to put it that pity is just another word for sympathy, but the two words definitely have different connotations. Pity I feel is condescending and many times unwelcome (like when people focus on my physical weaknesses without seeming to acknowledge my many talents). However, I don't feel that sympathy is typically negative. For me sympathy means that other people understand the pain and feel a need to comfort because they hate to see people in pain (which is not to say that they don't see the good in pain, but again that they understand how hard it is). And then there is empathy, where people feel each other's pain. I think it is very important to practice sympathy and empathy for each other. That's a huge part of being a compassionate human being.
I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I have a lot of things that I would like say, but none of it feels right to say at this point. Often, it is hard trying to express thoughts, feelings, and insights to another person in a way that is helpful and yet not upsetting in these circumstances. I am also severely pressed for time as I am moving in less than a week, so I am unable to give this subject the proper amount of time it deserves. Nevertheless, when I have the time I will try to share my thoughts with you.
Best wishes,
Jason
I just need to tell you that your post was unnecessary, thoughtless and unkind. You need to choose your words more carefully and if you're unable to find anything helpful or compassionate to say please don't say anything.
Hmmmmm.... "Right Speech" also means carefully assessing whether it would in fact be more constructive - and compassionate - to just say nothing at all..... methinks.....
GREAT POST, DK!
On November 29, 2002, Ringo Starr performed "Photograph" at the Concert For George held in the Royal Albert Hall, London on the first anniversary of George Harrison's death. According to the official website,"Ringo Starr caught everyone with a tear in their eye with a rendition of Photograph, a composition he co-wrote with George. At this concert, Ringo mentioned that the song took on a whole new meaning for him after the passing of George.
The lyrics were poignantly appropriate for this occasion:
Every time I see your face,
It reminds me of the places we used to go.
But all I've got is a photograph,
And I realise you're not coming back anymore.
Life is short. Therefore in the time we've got we gotta be good to each other.
(As Pilgrim would say:)
Bright Metta to You, Dharmakitten
too true.
I empathise with you DK for your loss. I truly do.
respect.
Xray
first of all,dk i'm sorry too to hear your loss. i think only time will heal the pain.
celebrin, apology accepted though i think i dont have the right .more or less i could understand your thought,maybe ur too extremely straightforward guy. maybe we could discuss it in the other thread.and nice pic too,i think ur the combination of keanu reeves and harry potter(forget the name of the actor).
...........and we all know what he's doing now!
Where am I going with this stupid example?
The people we know are much, much more than a simple doctrine or dogma. They had a life of experience, happiness, misery, joy, anger - so many, many things that made them what they were in life.
I would choose to remember the things they did in life, the joy the felt and the happiness they brought - rather than try to appease someone with some idiotic notions of salvation or afterlife when we certainly don't know what the hell we're talking about.
Celebrate their life. Celebrate their passing into whatever it is that comes next.
-bf
I loved the notion of a "Speaker for the Dead" (and the novel is great, too, like all of OSC that I have read). Having had to speak at many funeral/memorial services, I found it an inspiration and a blueprint for the process.
Palzang
I did notice that he's a Mormon in the last book I bought by him. I still bought it though. Just goes to show you that good people can be found anywhere, even in that bizarro religion!
Palzang
Daniel just opened in London in a revival of Equus, which, of course, has a nude scene (with horses, of course). Raised a lot of eyebrows amongst the Harry Potter set (and probably other anatomical parts as well)! According to the critics he acquitted himself very well in the role, showing he has more than one dimension as an actor. Bravo for him!
Palzang
Celebrin,
Apology accepted. It did hurt some, but I do appreciate your honesty. However, there is a thin line between honesty and rudeness sometimes. It is very hard to explain certain views gently through writing. It is quite a skill, in fact. It is a skill that I am still practicing to be sure.
I see, did he "fit in well" with the horses?:hair:
yes that's what I meant-ohh a bit of blue humour oh dear hahaha
Palzang
Palzang
Just so long as you don't get into the habit.
Here is my rant.
As a Christian/Buddhist, I get very annoyed when people say, "Why did God allow this?"
My response is: God didn't.
I get annoyed when people say, "If there was a God, these bad things wouldn't happen"
"Where's God in Iraq?"
My response is: He is there.
This often baffles people.
God gave us free will. Free will allows us to make our own decisions. He does not control us or our actions. He is not to blame for war, death, or the horrible events at Virginia Tech.
From the Christian point of view (and I am in no way an expert, so anyone correct me if I am wrong) our free will is a gift from him. We have the teaching from Jesus to guide us.
I imagine that at times it's still hard to believe that your friend is gone. That's the worst part of grief, I think: the incredulousness of it all. In a way, I feel that all I can do about the past is throw up my hands and pray that it will prepare me for future losses and sorrows. I'm sorry to hear that you have had so many of them.
For me, the main thing is to remain a gentleman amidst all the flurry, chaos and danger out there; to be a gentleman who will greet all that pass my way with a peaceful spirit and with good will, helping where I can and overlooking as much evil as I can in good conscience do.
Tomorrow may be the last day of the life of even my dearest friend, so therefore I should strive to be kind and supportive.
You, DK, are going to be strengthened by all your losses. Things MUST turn around. The are bound to, just by the laws of chance.
I litter small pictures of friends and loved ones and a few sick people on a shelf at my shrine and say a little prayer to and for each. I think I shall write the name DharmaKitten on a slip of paper and put it there, too.
May the Force Be With You!
BTW, I have always loved your signatures.
This is a lovely idea.....!
May I share with you all something I do....?
Take a plastic straw, and cut it into narrow rings.
On small slips of paper, write the names of all the people you know...sometimes a bit of paper will bear just one name, or maybe the names of a specific group of friends or family....Don't forget to add your own name, too.....
Roll the pieces of paper up, and slip them through the straw rings.
Put them all in a little decorative bowl, on your altar.
Every day, I take Refuge.
I light an incense stick for each one of the refuge vows - Buddha, Dharma and Sangha.
I then light a fourth, and with it, I manifest unconditional Love and Universal Compassion for all of the people herein (the bowl), for all those who they in turn love, all the people they know, all the people they meet, and all the people they see. Then I wish a special Mindfulness for the person/people whose name I unroll and reveal. That person/those people stay in my mind all day, and I think of them with fondness.
Occasionally, my name has come up. So just for that day, with no egoness or vanity, I have dwelt a little closer to the heart of the Buddha.....:)
I leave the little individual roll out on the table, or in the Buddha's lap, and then in the evening, replace it in the bowl.
And on it goes.....
Thank you.
Byudda-ful!
About how many little cylinders do you keep in the bowl?
For me, I'd like to keep about 20 or so real handy to handle every day. I guess that would entail a special little cup?
?
Namaste
Byudda-ful!
I like your idea of a special person to keep in mind all day.
But I also like the neatness idea of keeping the slips of paper in coils, along with the smaller pictures. I think I'll try this idea out and make my shrine less littered.
If I were Japanese, I'd be laughingstock for my clutter...
Love and Peace to you, Dear Soul!
Thank you, that is such a lovely gesture. I'm glad to be reminded of what wonderful friends I have found here. All the warm wishes, even when they are just electronic text, have meant so much and helped more than even I would have thought.
Things are turning around, but slowly. You are very right about the incredulousness of it all. In February my worst fear was having to move away and leave her behind. I thought that we'd have her hear with us for several years at least if we did not move. And here I am and she is gone. The first couple weeks I stared at my closet instead of sleeping because the room behind it was hers and I felt like she must be sleeping on the other side and that I had just been dreaming. Until recently, I cried everyday. Sometime these past few days I think the tears have slowed. I find myself grasping for the memories that had caused me so much pain. I knew they would pass, that fewer things would remind me of her. I still think of her daily. I wish you all could have met her. I wish everyone in the world could have met her, because once you met her even for a few minutes you were changed deep inside. I've never met anyone that came remotely close to having her spirit and most of all her love for life and for people.
William Worden talks about the four tasks of grief. (these are not religious based, so they are not specific to Buddhists, but to all people)
The tasks are NOT done in order. They are not stages. You revisit the first task again and again. It just gets a bit easier each time you do.
This will not ease your grief, but it may make it a bit easier, knowing a bit more about the difficult and demanding terrain of grief.
To Accept the Reality of the Loss
• Even when death is expected, there is still a feeling that it didn’t happen.
• This task involves recognizing that the person is dead and will not return.
• Death must be accepted on both an intellectual and emotional level.
• Traditional rituals, such as funerals, help the bereaved to begin to accept the death as real.
To Work Through to the Pain of Grief • The intensity of the pain and the way it is experienced and expressed is different for everyone.
• It is impossible not to experience some amount of pain when someone very close dies.
• Friends and family sometimes are uncomfortable with the mourner’s pain and may try to interrupt this task.
• Mourners may try to avoid this task by masking the pain through the use of alcohol or drugs, by idealizing the deceased, by avoiding reminders of the deceased, or by relocating or quickly getting into a new relationship.
• No matter how successful a mourner is in avoiding the pain, it eventually will come back again, maybe in the form of depression or when a new loss is experienced.
To Adjust to an Environment in Which the Deceased is Missing • Adjusting to the new environment is dependent upon what the relationship was and what role the deceased played in the relationship.
• During this task, grief work focuses on coming to terms with living alone, raising children alone, facing an empty house, managing home maintenance and finances, and caring completely for oneself.
• It is important that regression to a state of helplessness, inadequacy or incapacity does not occur during this task.
• It takes time and patience to figure out how to take over the deceased’s roles.
• It is also during this task that the bereaved tries to make sense of the loss and tries to regain some sense of control over his or her life.
To Emotionally Relocate the Deceased and Move on With Life • For many, this task is the most difficult to complete.
• During this task, the bereaved often finds the ability to invest emotionally in someone or something else.
• The deceased is not forgotten, nor are the memories that were shared, but instead, the bereaved finds enjoyment in life again.
• In this task, the bereaved do not “give up their relationship with the deceased, but find an appropriate place for the dead in their emotional life—a place that enables them to go on living effectively in the world.”
• “The fourth task is hindered by holding on to the past attachment rather than going on and forming new ones. Some people find loss so painful that they make a pact with themselves never to love again.”
• The deceased are never forgotten or replaced—but remain a part of the bereaved.
• The mourner is not the same person he or she was, and he or she never will be the same again.
• With time and grieving, however, the pain will lessen, and the mourner redefines himself or herself.
My own time of deep and tearing pain was helped by a wonderful book: A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis. He wrote it whilst within the turmoil of losing his own wife. There are few facile or false notes in it. It helped me to know, from someone suffering as I was, that I was not alone and that the strange things I was thinking and feeling were not unusual.
Your post was very relevant, and appreciated. I believe that we all need to talk more about the various stages and types of grief. When one is faced with such a terrible thing, it is good to have some sort of map or idea of what is happening and will happen. Many times I think people feel lost in severe grief because it is not simply sadness multiplied. It is nice to know that current feelings will change with time.
I love that quote! I still cry just about everyday, even though it's now been nearly three months. But there are still fewer tears overall. I cried yesterday in front of my keyboard as I tried to play a song we once sang together. Then I went out to a party at a friend's place. Everyone there knew her and we ended up spending a lot of time laughing about the good times. There were tears, too, of course. It was so nice to be able to talk with friends who know what my husband and I are going through to some degree. And it was still one heck of a party.