How to deal with guilt and regret

KungaTashi

I could use some help here. Recently I have been talking to some people that helped me out way back in high school. I was in my senior year and was on the outs with my parents. This family took me in, the deal was I graduate and they would take care of me. I was very grateful to them and tried my best at school, graduating that year. A few years later I did something horrendous which affected a great many people, this family included. I haven't talked to them till now. We are finally talking, almost as if nothing happened. But I found out some unfortunate news. The father died a few years ago, and this past November, the mother died. I am having some guilt for never getting the chance to reconcile and say I am sorry. Can anyone recommend anything to help out here? I'm having a bit of a hard time coming to terms with never getting the chance to say the words I wanted to.

Thank you for any advice!

Brigid

My heart goes out to you, LFA. Your question is a really good one and I'm going to think about it for a little bit and get back to you, K? In the meantime, stop beating yourself up, generate some loving kindness for yourself knowing that you're human and humans make mistakes. That's inevitable. Whatever you did is in the past now and it no longer exists. All you can do about it is acknowledge that you did it, feel sorry for doing it, resolve never to do it again, and bring yourself to a place of forgiveness for yourself. If someone else had done it would you be able to forgive them? Do the same for yourself because after all who deserves it more than you?

Celebrin

alll you can do is move on, you can't change the past. Its unfortunate but its unchangeable.. Its time to look forward, guilt will only hold u back and waste your time now, theres many things we could all do better if we went back but it'll never happen.Try not to get caught in pity, its a nasty trap. Why not forgive yourself as you know better now and you're sorry.. let go of everything and accept what is now.. buy yourself a present and give yourself a hug.

Bunny_Here

Repentance practice is a way to forgive oneself and to start anew. In the Soto Zen tradition, there is a verse called Sangemon. I have found it helpful when I have been unable to forgive myself. There is a more detailed link on guilt and repentance on "A View On Buddhism" website.

My thought and prayers are with you, Looking For Answers.

not1not2

Looking for Answers wrote:

I could use some help here. Recently I have been talking to some people that helped me out way back in high school. I was in my senior year and was on the outs with my parents. This family took me in, the deal was I graduate and they would take care of me. I was very grateful to them and tried my best at school, graduating that year. A few years later I did something horrendous which affected a great many people, this family included. I haven't talked to them till now. We are finally talking, almost as if nothing happened. But I found out some unfortunate news. The father died a few years ago, and this past November, the mother died. I am having some guilt for never getting the chance to reconcile and say I am sorry. Can anyone recommend anything to help out here? I'm having a bit of a hard time coming to terms with never getting the chance to say the words I wanted to.

Thank you for any advice!

Don't get ride of the guilt, for one. Instead use it to develop a sincere desire for buddhahood. Reflect on the pain which you are experiencing & the pain which you caused others. Also, try to see the state which you were in which led to such a 'horrendous' action on your part. Which of the three poisons were present & to what extent? How unconscious were you at the time of how you were reacting to your inner state? Were you scared? Lost? In pain?? If so, offer the 'you' who was going through this a little understanding, compassion & lovingkindness. Can you see yourself doing the same thing now or in the future? If not, then give yourself some credit. If so, then reflect on what you can do to resolve the root cause of such unskillful & harmful actions. Can you see that we are all causing each other & ourselves suffering as long as we stay in Ignorance? You are not alone in your transgressions.

Also, you could consider how the buddha's teachings are helping you come into awareness of these things & change these behaviors. I, myself, feel very fortunate for encountering the buddhadharma. Experiencing some genuine gratitude is humbling & is also a pleasant experience. This is just a taste of the fruits we can realizing by following this path.

Beyond that, are you considering telling their children how you feel? Would that mess up what is now a good relationship? I know you can't really reconcile your feelings with the mother & father, but perhaps you could write each of them a letter, seal them in envelopes & place them on their graves. Maybe spend some time reflecting on their passing & their lives while you are there. Perhaps you could generate some metta for them & the wish that they may be free from suffering too.

Anyway. Just some thoughts. Take them or leave them as you please.

metta
_/\_

Jason

LfA,

The way that I endeavor to overcome feelings of guilt when they arise is to reflect on how these feelings can benefit my practice. For example, feelings of guilt can help to remind me of the importance of my actions so that I will be encouraged to make better and more skillful choices in the future. I also dedicate the merit of my practice to whomever I feel that I owe in some sort of way.

When it comes to your particular situation, I would not only encourage both of these practices, but I would also suggest trying to be as generous and as helpful to the remaining members of the family as possible. Let these feelings motivate you to practice harder. In addition, this post reminds me of something that I wrote about hiri and ottappa, which you might be interested in reading.


Jason

Brigid

LFA,

There's some great advice here, really all you need to push forward so there's nothing else for me to add. I will say that I found Bunny's link to repentance on "A View on Buddhism" to be very helpful for this situation and I've bookmarked it for my own future use because heaven knows I'm going to need it. It's a great resource.

Celebrin,

Beautiful post, Grasshopper.

KungaTashi

Thanks everyone for the answers, like Brigid just said, it's all great advice and I appreciate you taking the time to type it out.

I have been talking with a couple of the family members frequently lately. It was actually them that approached me to reconcile so I was happy about that. We may be getting our kids together soon so that's cool too. Thanks again guys, I REALLY appreciate your answers!!!

Brigid

You're most welcome, LFA, and having the kids get together sounds like a great idea. Here's to building bridges!

Palzang

Having been in the same boat, I can certainly empathize, LFA. Since I was unable to directly express my regrets to the parties concerned, what I did is a form of restitution whereby I did what I should have done the first time for someone else. I think that's a 12 Step method, if I remember correctly. It may not erase the past karma, but it certainly helps and definitely helps you get rid of the guilt. It took years to complete the restitution, but it was well worth it.

Palzang