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Clinging and Impermanece
Xrayman
Veteran
Some of you know that I'm approaching my next birthday where my life is supposed to beginning (perhaps you could console me Brigid).
Well there have been things that I 've come to realise lately. I have been losing some hair down the shower plughole, older people don't seem that old, I'm (don't ask me why), worried about losing what "looks" I have-if any! I feel that my life is really dwindling away like I'm almost accellerating towards "old".
Here is the question for you:
Is this all just vain crap-egotistical or is this reasonable? I feel worried about-I don't know what half the time and I am finding that I'm trying to cram more and more into each day (specifically-I am trying to spend more and more time with my children and wife, almost like i have limited time here) I really cant put my finger on it.
any ideas, solutions, rude remarks (from BF of course!) anything that I can cling to?:eek2:
Well there have been things that I 've come to realise lately. I have been losing some hair down the shower plughole, older people don't seem that old, I'm (don't ask me why), worried about losing what "looks" I have-if any! I feel that my life is really dwindling away like I'm almost accellerating towards "old".
Here is the question for you:
Is this all just vain crap-egotistical or is this reasonable? I feel worried about-I don't know what half the time and I am finding that I'm trying to cram more and more into each day (specifically-I am trying to spend more and more time with my children and wife, almost like i have limited time here) I really cant put my finger on it.
any ideas, solutions, rude remarks (from BF of course!) anything that I can cling to?:eek2:
0
Comments
Palzang
I think you're probably experiencing something like a mid-life crisis which I understand is not only completely normal but also pretty common. But instead of divorcing your wife, finding a 20 year old girlfriend and blowing what little money you have on a flashy sports car, you're instinct is to hold your wife and children closer to you which, to my mind, speaks volumes about the kind of man you really are. I think your reaction is beautiful.
I agree with Palzang that there's nothing to worry about. I know we're fast approaching our 40th birthdays and just saying the number is a bit of a shock but we'll get used to it. I'm having a different reaction than you, though. When I turned 30 I really made myself suffer a lot. I did NOT want to leave my youth behind and 30 was just not how old I felt inside. I felt panicky, like the clock was ticking away and my life was slipping away from me. I've always had a bit of a hard time reconciling my chronological age with how old I feel inside, (which has been a perpetual 17), but now that I'm turning 40 I'm feeling a strange sort of peace about it all.
I think it's because I've been experiencing the symptoms of menopause for a while now and I've also been studying death from a Buddhist perspective pretty continuously for the last five months or so. I've kind of made it the cornerstone of my practice since it covers all the main teachings. So not only have I been coming to terms with aging I've also been coming to terms with dying at any moment. I remind myself a few times everyday about how close death could actually be so I'm getting used to the idea and that's all you need to do; get used to the idea that you're not going to live forever.
If the initial discomfort that comes with that thought makes you push it away or repress it you'll continue to suffer. But if you let yourself think about your mortality the initial discomfort will soon be replaced with a sense of peace and acceptance. It's really just about getting used to the idea. That's all you need to do. Not only will you soon be at peace with it but you'll really start to live in the present moment, you'll be more awake and aware about everything and everyone around you and things will become clearer to you. You've already become more aware of how much you love your family, haven't you?
So I figure the realization of our mortality actually brings great benefits and so what if I still feel 17 when I'm actually 40. That's a good thing too.
So just let the signs of aging be a reminder that you're not going to live forever and that every minute of your life is precious. Don't waste a single moment on things that aren't important. Let them clarify your vision and drag you back again and again into the present moment where you real life is actually taking place.
I have a really strong feeling that life after 40 is going to be much richer and fuller, more meaningful and happier, because I'm going to be much more awake and keenly aware than I've ever been. I'm happy that all those years of confusion, struggle and suffering are behind me and I know without a shadow of a doubt that I'm a much better person than I was and not nearly as good a person as I will become.
You can be proud of what you've already survived, what you've built, and the person you've become. So just get used to the idea that you're not going to live forever, grab every single moment like it's your last and listen to your instincts because I think you have particularly good ones. And you'll be better than fine. I'm sure of it.
I can relate. I just had my 45th last week! So, we are both Aries, eh?
I began wrestling with aging in my late 30's. And like you Brigid, going through menopause, the issue was forced upon me. I could not be in denial anymore. Hey, how can I be single and dating and getting in touch with my sexuality, romance etc...and be menopausal!? Mind trip. So, I am embracing my aches and pains - arthritis and grey hair and enjoying what I have and what I know at this life point. I do feel this is the best time of my life.
So, I applaud you for the instinct to pull your loved ones closer. What a good egg! Hugs.
I keep telling a friend of mine that we need to start a Buddhist 'old sangha community' down here in warm Florida, so all us aging buddhas can come to retire. Wouldn't that be a beautiful option?
I was doing fine for the last 5 years or so with this age business-but our society focusses on "life begins at 40" crap. this is especially relevant since the big 4.0. is looming.
Boo,
I don't know whether to commiserate (like latina) with you on your menopausal status(or otherwise), I think as a woman the issue of aging in human terms is quite inescapable-much more so than for us blokes?? perhaps you ladies have to come to terms with differing (invasive) checkups, body image sito's etc. etc. throughout your life-blokes have little else (in that regard ) to worry about-perhaps this is why I'm such a wussy sooky la laa?
I think Palzang may have hit the nail on the head with "it's just aging-get over it!" (paraphrase).
I have some very obvious grey hair-but I cant bear to think of colouring it-this is where women seem a little more "comfortable" am I right???
regards,
Sooky la la.:sadc:
Part of the problem is that the role of the elders has been eroded and forgotten. Only the young and vigourous are considered of any importance, despite all evidence to the contrary. Wrinkles and greying (or thinning) hair are to be concealed; sagging physiques are to be surgically removed.
It is, as Brigid shows us, a denial of the gentle processes of our dying. Society trembles at the thought of these transitions. The medics collude with this terror, conspiring to conceal the truth that they 'cure' practically nothing, particularly ageing.
No longer, alas, do we say, with Browning On the opic of birthdays, my best, so far, were my 45th and 50th. I now look forward to the imminent arrival of my 65th year. I have no doubt that it will contain even more surprises and joys, alongside troubles and worries - no change there then!
Palzang
course if ur me, ur blessed lol..
Plus women like older men.. so whats the problem?
I was just talking to Deb about menopause and how the medical and pharmaceutical industries are trying to tell us that it's an illness who's symptoms can be treated. Ugh! Infuriating! How dare they try to take away from me my grand entrance into cronehood! As physically and emotionally uncomfortable as it may get, I embrace this change of my life and the doors it opens for me. Hopefully I won't have any of the complications some women have when they go through it and I'll be able to tough it out on my own because aside from the instances that are medically serious, menopause is NOT an illness and I refuse to buy what they're selling.
I can't believe I'm saying this but I'm actually full of joy about getting older at this point in my life. I feel a sense of freedom I've never felt before, a chance to finally lay down the burden of the beauty myth and live an authentic existence free from the weight of all the bullshit. I'm almost bursting with anticipation at what will lie ahead for me after I go through this change. I have a feeling that I'm going to be stronger, wiser and happier than I've ever been in my life. And I'm grateful for having made it this far in the first place.
Admittedly, some of the physical signs and symptoms are less than comfortable. Proctology is a foreign country to the young. And an appointment diary becomes a vital accessory. Alongside this there are incredible new powers, such as becoming invisible in queues, for example.
I've so enjoyed reading this one and have a few minutes so I thought I'd add a few thoughts on my own aging process.
When I turned 30 I could not have been more excited. I thought " finally ppl won't call me a kid any more and they will take me more seriously" Not, didn't happen.....31 was the hardest birthday I have ever had. We had just moved half way across the United States with 2 small children and 3 very large dogs......I was exhausted and being 30 had not even come close to what great things I thought would come. I cried all day long......
Since then birthdays are not a big deal. I started peri-menopause at the age of 37 and have had a very difficult time of it.....I started menopause at 44 and things have slightly improved. I'm about to turn 48 next month and will be going into my 11th year of all this female craziness.... I'm ok with it.....I have made the choice to do all of this on my own. No hormones to make menopause easier for many different reasons.....I do not dye my hair......I am trying to eat better......and take better care of myself, not because I'm getting older but just because I should. My memory isn't what it use to be due to aging and menopause but you know, It hasn't been worth a damn since I had kids so I'm not to worried about that either......I just take notes, reread things and keep a planner near by.
I'm looking so forward to the other side of menopause but after 10 years I'm even learning to be ok if the other side never comes.......
My children are grown and I've finally been able to come to terms with that.....lol No small feat. But in all of the crazy can't let go mom stuff.......I realized I had lost me......Now, I'm finding out who I am and it's a very exciting time for me.......I am soooo totally embracing being a crone............and loving it!!!!
Beauty has never been on the outside. The most beautiful face can become ugly after you get to know a person. Just as the ugliest face can become beautiful after you get to know a person. Beauty comes from inside and can be at any age.
I have met some very old, wrinkled beautiful ppl in my life and I have truly been blessed.
Namaste'
with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
and satin candles, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired
and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
and run my stick along the public railings
and make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
and pick the flowers in other people's gardens
and learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
and eat three pounds of sausages at a go
or only bread and pickles for a week
and hoard pens and pencils and beer nuts and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
and pay our rent and not swear in the street
and set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple."
I'm afraid I have reached the point where, despite my diminutive stature, I become far more visible, than invisible. I speak up more, say 'no' more easily, and have finally realised the wonderous treasure of releasing, relaxing, surrendering and letting go, letting be, and just being.
I LOVE getting old! I have my 75-year-old mother as the perfect role model, and everyone who knows us both keeps telling me how alike we are, so that if I am as chipper, cheerful and obstinate as she is now, when I am her age, i shall be as proud as punch! I too am experiencing the 'Tropical Moment' of the 'feminine power surge', sometimes known as 'the hot flush' and I think it's fun! I too refuse point blank to be convinced by medics that the menopause is an illness, a treatable condition...it is merely the reversal of teenage hormones, and applies as much to men as to women. You don't hear of our menfolk being offered HRT, neither do these poor adolescent teens get offered help for THEIR fluctuations! So bring it on! GB Shaw said that 'youth is wasted on the young' and he had a point. The older I get, the younger I feel. Would that we could all absorb the energy, wisdom and vibrancy of our counterparts!
Wonderful, just wonderful........I love your post.........
and how funny.......I just bought myself last week a pair of dark purple genie pants..lolol and yes, I have worn them. teehee
how good to see you back!
thats all i wanted to say.
welcome back... you were missed!
I loved your post and I'm going to wear purple too!
I found a wonderful passage in a great book, on ageing...I shall post a reference later though! (Am working right now.....!)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jenny_Joseph
there are a couple of amusing links, too.
Let's all join the Red Hat Society.
I heartily recommend this book - it penetrates right to the heart of this very topic, and outlines lucid, logical and compassionate ways of meeting the challenges head on.
I would LOVE to join the Red Hat Society!! Count me in!
I don't know if you've found this site, Fede:
Red Hat Society
I have yet to find (or found) a similar collective for men. Most of my fellow sexgenarians seem to want to blend with a beige background!
Palzang
First you give us:
Then you say:
Could I ask why you then subscribe to the former statement, when perhaps, by example, you should attempt to implement the second? Why would you not lead the field and 'honour' them, valuing 'Their experience and wisdom' instead of being embarassed by them....?
Include me out. Don't speak for me, I pray, because I do not subscribe to your point of view.
And please know I say all of the above with love, and I bow my creaky old arthritic back to you with Metta, my friend.....
Palzang
But I guess, in a way we are all categorised in one way or another...The human herding instinct is still strong, and 'There's safety in numbers'....
I take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma and the Sangha
(You know, we do rather cling to you.)
Fondly,
Nirvana
I have been a busy bunny lately.... Now working full time, and sitting in front of a computer all day... even so, use of the system for personal use in company time is not de rigeur, understandably, so I don't get to come in as often as I'd like...I'm also learning, in my day-to-day contact with others, that there is much to be said for the gentle pause in the flood of speech.... best to say when there's stuff to be said rather than attempt to fill the silence....
Anyone ever tried NOT doing that....? When there's a lull in the discussion.... Theres always someone who awkwardly feels that it should be filled by some verbal input.....!
Sorry, back to topic.....
I earlier mentioned a book I am reading, (post#20) and I mentioned it again in "The what ails thee" thread, as a response to Deb's heartbreaking input regarding her husband's illness.....
I apologise if my Sangha Brothers and Sisters perceive this as drum-bashing, but this book is a must-buy. I originally got a copy form my local library, and have since ordered myself a copy....
If we learn something new, see something new and find new things during the day - then we are already subject to impermanence because what we have taken in, changes us from what we were. The subtle shifts in our Consciousness and perception ensure that we are subjects of impermanence every nano-second of the day.
Three things this book has said to me:
(CAUTION: PUNCHY, No-Nonsense straight form the hip comments approaching:)
We celebrate our birthdays every year, but our deathdays - which also happen every year -pass unnoticed. Yet they are there.
Every single breath you take in and let out, is one breath closer to the last out-breath.
Parents are responsible for metaphorically signing the death-warrants of their own children. If you don't want your children to die, don't have them in the first place.
This last one, particularly, really winded me....
Realistic and fact-filled as this book is, it is presented in a startlingly good-humoured, compassionate and embracing way. It is at times poignant, gentle, ruthless, and hard-hitting.
All things, in fact, which are characteristics of Truth.....
OK. I am done now.
With blessings always,
Fede
WTF am I middle aged now? oh (if there is one) GOD!:nonono:
The generation x'ers I feel are going to be a more demanding lot than prior generations, and will not accept being sidelined merely for aging. Does anyone feel that retirement is something that we now consider. I certainly don't. I find the rock band's an inspiration, The Who, The Stones, Iggy Pop has just reformed his old band from the, the er, well a long time ago.
If you are 40 now and you can look after your mind body and spirit, and with the good fortune that nothing goes wrong along the way, there is no reason to feel that you are past the half way point ie. you have the whole lot to live all over again and you have the bonus of some added wisdom to help you along.
Ask yourself the "deathbed" question: On your deathbed, will you wish you had spent more time at the office, or with your friends and family? Consider making tradeoffs now -- taking longer vacations, working shorter hours, or giving up solitary activities to spend more time with loved ones, so that you can say you got it just right when you do finally have to answer the question. - Jonathan Haidt
Really, the deathbed question you should be asking is, Have I frittered away my precious human life killing time and accumulating things that I can't take with me, or have I taken advantage of this life to accomplish that which will bring benefit to myself and all beings?
This life is a supremely rare and precious opportunity. Are you wasting it?
Palzang
I believe it was Emerson who said it best.
"If I have made one breath easier for another person in my life, then I have succeeded."
Palzang
Palzang
Palzang
A) Thoreau coined the phrase civil disobedience. He refused to pay a poll tax because of the Mexican/American War, and spent a (famous) night in jail for it.
b) I am hitting 50 this year. For the last few months, I have had thoughts of things I had not done, and various sad thoughts about how my life has not turned out the way I thought it would, but then I am slowly coming to accept aging as a part of life. (I work in a hospital, btw, and see aging and death on a regular basis...not that that helps much.)
My dad used to say that turning 50 beat the alternative. I am not able to do some things that I used to do, and I feel aches a pains a bit more acutely, but then I am not near as stupid as I once was, so I consider that a decent tradeoff.
Thoreau's my man!
Palzang
It's so nice to meet you! I think you may be our first Alaskan member. I live in Ontario and it gets pretty cold here too but I think you've got me beat in the weather area.
Speaking of things not done, when I was younger (I just turned 40 at the end of April) I used to travel a lot and wanted so much to go to Alaska. I love the north, I love crisp, clean air, trees and solitude. One of my online names used to be Northern Girl. I missed my chance though as I'm physically disabled now and it does cross my mind from time to time. But I get to console myself with the fact that I already live in the northern region so even if I never get to see Alaska it's O.K. (And yes, part of the reason I wanted to go there was because I heard there were a LOT of men and hardly any women. That alone was good enough incentive for a single girl looking for a tall, handsome, outdoorsy sort of man.)
But seriously, if you have any photos of the lovely State of Alaska and you ever feel like sharing, there's a thread called "Pictures of home" where you can upload a few. I think the thread's in the Lotus Lounge but I'm not 100% sure.
Anyway, welcome to the board. It's very nice to have you here. Make yourself at home and don't worry, we'll go easy on you. At first.
What are we? Chopped liver?
Welll welcome guys to the realm of chopped liver!
Brigid,
As to the men up here, for a single women, the odds are good.....but the goods are odd.
(And I am part proof of that.)
Seriously, I am not sure what kind of handicap you have, but that may not have to rule out a trip to the Last Frontier.
How's that for philiosophy?
But very manly chopped liver!
Palzang
Lol!!
Arctic,
I have a permanent back injury (even though nothing's permanent...) and it precludes traveling that kind of distance etc. but I bet it's beautiful there! I was just watching on the news a story about a cruise ship in Alaska hitting some rocks or a reef or something and taking in water. They had to evacuate the ship and put everybody in life boats and then they got the ship to port. That's a little scary! :hair: Don't know why I brought that up. It's off topic too. I bet there was a lot of clinging going on though. I know. Bad. I'll go away now...