Divorce and Buddhism

Arctic-Stranger

I would love to hear the wisdom of forumites on the topic of divorce. (If this has been covered, then kindly point me to the appropriate forum.)

Palzang

Forumites? Isn't that some kind of ant?

I know of no prohibition against divorce in Buddism. I've actually seen quite a few American Buddhist couples who did get divorced. The only problem I see is that all too often that means one of the two falls off the path, or at least drops his/her affiliation with that particular teacher or center, though honestly the real reason is usually not the divorce, just a convenient excuse for someone who is falling away anyway for other reasons.

For a lay practitioner, at least one who takes the lay ordination vows, the vows concerning sex concern the kind of sex one has, not with whom. In other words, you take a vow to not engage in promiscuous sex with many partners as that can cause suffering for all concerned. Also not to engage in any form of illicit sex, i.e. forced, with children, etc. Other than that there is nothing about divorce. I think if two married people find they would be happier without being married, then fine. If there are children involved in the marriage, then I would consul divorce as a last resort, but still if all else fails, go ahead. One of our sangha members, for example, seemed to be happily married, two little kids, then she discovered her husband had become a crack head. When he started disappearing for days with no explanation and became more and more abusive and threatening to her and the kids, she left him. That's kind of an extreme situation, but I can't imagine anyone who had the best interests of her and the children advising anything else. Can you?

Palzang

Simonthepilgrim

Divorce, as we understand it, is originally a socio-legal concept. It became assimilated to religious law by the way in which the growing Israelite society conflated religion and law in the Deuteronomist literature. This confusion/conflation was continued in the Christian and Islamic offshoots of Mosaic religion.

If we look at other systems, Roman, Greek or Persian, for example, we find that divorce is a matter of legislation rather than a question for priests. This, I believe, is becoming the prevailing ethos in the West today again. I am of the opinion that this is a good thing too. The notion of marriage as a "sacrament" or some sort of church-sanctioned mystery is simply another example of the way in which the post-Mosaic religions indulge in social control.

bushinoki

Then again, this thread reminds us that marriage is not something to be entered into lightly. If I ever vow "until death do us part", then I mean it, and I won't break that vow lightly. Now, if you truly made a mistake, then by all means, get a divorce. But what Buddhist can claim any sort of mental discipline if the first roadbump in a marriage sends you running to family court?

harlan

I see the problem with Buddhists getting a divorce is that we practice compassion to the point of self-destruction. I mean, when one can 'see' the hell and ignorance of another, and elect to stay in that situation.

federica

bushinoki wrote:

But what Buddhist can claim any sort of mental discipline if the first roadbump in a marriage sends you running to family court?

Well, I see a problem here...
By this remark, aren't you assuming that -

(a) Either both partners are Buddhist, or
(b) It's the Buddhist partner who wants/seeks the divorce?

And who says it's the first roadbump? Most divorces occur after several roadbumps, Buddhist or not.... I truly don't know anyone, of whatever persuasion or denomination, who takes divorce so lightly.....

Jason

Arctic-Stranger,

According to the doctrine of paniggaha-samuppada (marital co-arising):

And what is marital co-arising? From marriage as a requisite condition come divorce. From divorce as a requisite condition, then aging and death, sorrow, lamentation, pain, distress, and despair come into play. Such is the origination of this entire mass of stress and suffering.

Marriage is a dependently co-arisen phenomenon: inconstant, compounded, dependently co-arisen, subject to ending, subject to passing away, subject to fading, subject to cessation. Now from the remainderless fading and cessation of that very marriage comes the cessation of divorce.

Tongue-in-cheek,

Jason

Palzang

I agree with Fede. I don't think it's wise to tell people whether or not they should get divorced as they're in the best place to judge.

Palzang

bushinoki

I guess I'm a little jaded here. After several years of irreconcilable differences, I can definitely see divorce being the best option. My opinion is based on the number of divorces I've seen, among my own friends, that took place less than five years after the marriage ceremony. Two entirely different matters. It's also one of the reasons I favor sexual restraint unless you are in an established long term relationship. Too many of the short lived marriages were because the relationship was great in bed, but that's all there was to it. And, no, I was not making any assumptions as to the beliefs of the couple, just that maybe more people need to think long and hard before making that kind of commitment.

Palzang

I can agree with that. People take marriage vows (or any vows, for that matter) way too flippantly these days. The pendulum has swung way over the other way from the days when you stayed married come hell or high water no matter how much you hated your mate.

Palzang

federica

Helloooooo Middle Way....!

Be not too flippant and disrespectful that you give up on something at the first squeeze of the middle of the toothpaste tube, but be neither too self-sacrificing or martyr-ish that you end up being the proverbial flogged dead horse - there's no point being an eedjit about it....!