How to feel love when you are angry

mouthfulofclay

Well, I was wandering around reading things, trying to stretch my mind a little and suddenly it hit me: I have been having this major issue in my life and someone here might be just the person to help me shed a little light on it. This is going to be a long one. Here goes...

I think I am generally pretty accepting of other people's decisions to do things I don't understand or agree with, but I have a cousin by marriage who has some serious problems and chose to get pregnant. She has addictions to pain killers, smokes upwards of two packs a day, and has hardcore psychosomatic illness and hypochondria. I don't think anything of these things are good for her, but we were friendly for a short time despite all of this. I just tried not to get into these issues with her, because if she thinks you are telling her what to do or calling her out she runs away. I figured friendship was the healthiest road.

Well, when she told me she was thinking about getting pregnant with her husband, my insides flipped out, but I tried to be very gentle with her. I talked to her about how if I had the privilege of planning my pregnancy (I didn't with my son), I would want to be in the best shape possible before getting pregnant, because your health is intertwined with your baby's. I was very careful to say these things from a standpoint of "this is what I would do" rather than "this is what you should do," all the while talking about how wonderful and difficult parenting is, hoping she would understand it is not a light decision.

While I think my words were kind, I know my thoughts were not. I wanted to find some way to force her not to have children because I was so upset by the thought she would get pregnant intentionally despite all the toxins she puts into her body daily and her ill health. Her reasons for getting pregnant have included: she thinks it will make her not "sick" anymore (she doesn't know what is wrong with herself) and she wants someone to take care of her when she is old. Oh, I forgot to mention the fact that she HATES kids.

Shortly after these pre-pregnancy discussions, she completely stopped talking to all of our side of the family - we think because she gleaned that none of us really supported her decision to try to get pregnant. And shortly after that she got pregnant. She's about 12 weeks along right now and last week she was hospitalized for massive bleeding and all I could think was "Thank god, she's going to miscarry. Nature is going to fix this problem." She didn't miscarry and she may not ever.

I hate the thoughts I have about this, but I am so angry that someone would treat another life like this when that life depends completely on them for wellbeing. I have known women who found themselves pregnant and couldn't quit smoking before, which I understand because the stress of quitting can be worse for the baby and they didn't choose to get pregnant mid-addiction. But my cousin did and she has much worse problems than smoking alone. Not to mention I can't stop questioning whether she gives a damn about the life inside of her at all. I have sent her well wishes that I truly meant, and I know I have no control over the situation so my positive thoughts would be the most helpful, but I can't stop being angry and upset about it.

I would love any help anyone can offer me at this time. I'd like to be at peace with this issue but my thoughts are far from peaceful right now.

Simonthepilgrim

MoC,

You outline the problem with great clarity and I think that you are right the your cousin has picked up the incongruence between your thoughts and your words. It was inevitable, really, as Carl Rogers used to point out to us. What you were saying to her was (and this is not meant as criticism but as observation) lacking in the elements of genuineness and warmth which would have enabled her to haer them. Indeed, she may be unable to hear any such words because they aim at what they are not saying. From my experience of too many years working with people with addictions, their antennae are well-attuned to detect this.

The truth is that the real problem is, here, what is going on within you. You sound torn apart by your desire to experience compassion towards this poor lady and her child, and your actual experience of aversion. You are living the Second Noble Truth.

There is a way out but it is not as simple as it looks: it is to focus your whole attention on the Noble Eightfold Path. If it seems to you that Right Speech entails telling her your truth, doing anything else strays from the path of honesty and, thereby, from the way of compassion.

She is likely to have a really hard time once the baby comes. Could you find it in your heart to say to her: "I strongly disagree with your decision to have this child and, at the same time, I know that you are going to need loving support which I am ready to give."? She may refuse. She may reject you with harsh words - so what?

For your benefit and the benefit of all, including the mother and child, find the silent compassion that lies at the root of all that is positive and good in you. Use it to purify your own thoughts so that you have, once again, the chance to offer real love. Whether she accepts or not, you will have saved the one person you can save from harshness and some suffering: yourself.

May you find the peace that lives in silence.

mouthfulofclay

Thank you, Simon. I really appreciate the time you took to think about and respond to my thoughts/feelings. You are, of course, right about everything you said. At one point I considered telling her what I really thought, but my family told me not to, probably because I can be too blunt, even when I mean to be compassionate. Really, we've all been trying to bite our tongues for fear of starting a battle between the our side of the family and my mother-in-laws side, who want to turn a blind eye to the entire situation and pretend like everything is fine. So I wound up saying nothing for a long time, because I didn't know what was "right" to say. Somehow I must have missed the mix of honesty and compassion you are talking about. It was right there in front of me this whole time, but I was not seeing it clearly, I guess. Thank you for the flash light! ;-)

I will work on this and I may be back with new struggles. I don't think this affair is going to be an easy one to get through successfully and I will not be surprised if I need continued support in this matter. In the mean time, if anyone else has any thoughts, please feel free to keep them coming. Thank you.

Brigid

Oh, that's a hard one, MFC. I completely understand your anger and would be feeling it too, if I were in your shoes. I'm going to have to think about this one for a bit and if I come up with something that may help I'll come right back and offer it.

But I can give one small bit of advice in the meantime. You've probably already tried this but I'll mention it just in case. In Alanon (a group that helps people who live with alcoholics) we're taught to "detach with love" in an effort to save our own sanity and to distance ourselves a bit from our anger and disappointments etc. etc. To detach with love means just what it says; you still love the person but you are pulling away emotionally and physically in order to maintain your own well being.

It's a stop gap effort until we can get to the place where we can deal with the issue more objectively and calmly. If you haven't already, you can give this a try whenever the anger becomes overwhelming.

You'll probably also get some really good and sound advice right here so keep checking back. There are some wickedly wise people on this board.

Oh, and don't forget to treat your own anger with compassion. Like Pema Chodron says, put it in the cradle and direct loving kindness towards it (your anger, I mean) and don't beat yourself up for being human.

Palzang

Well, MOC, I think one of the first things anyone needs to learn is that you can only live your life, not others'. There is only one person on the planet you can change, and that is yourself. I can't ever think of one time in my life when telling someone not to do something that I thought would be self-destructive or wrong would have changed anything, except maybe to piss that person off. It's a hard lesson, but one that I think you would be well advised to learn. I also think that if you succeed in changing yourself, this will make a much bigger and more effective statement to others than anything you can say to them. At least that's what I've found in my life.

Palzang

mouthfulofclay

Thanks to Brigid and Palzang. Both of these are important points and are well noted. I am letting go of my anger and frustration for right now (some times I'm more successful than others!). Then, if something comes out of that... who knows.

mouthfulofclay

Just thought I'd check back in, in case it's useful to anyone else. I got some additional advice on this matter that really struck me. I was told that I had two options if I wanted to actually do something (as opposed to try to make someone else do something, which is impossible). I could either anonymously call CPS where she lives and they would basically tell her she had to give birth to a clean baby in order to keep the baby, or I could let go. Also, my husband told me that, risks aside, he could never do anything (like call CPS) unless he had basically watched her abusing drugs while pregnant and that knowing she is addicted isn't enough. It was really humbling to think about these things.

I couldn't call CPS. Sometimes it's the wakeup call people need, but I wasn't ready to be responsible for that, because my husband is right: we just don't know exactly what is going on or what will make a positive change. I already sent her a note telling her simply that I wish her well, and I rest in the knowledge that that is enough out of my mouth and I've pretty much stopped thinking about her. I've decided that this is one of those times when, if she needs me, she will come find me. I can't know if my decisions are "right" or "wrong" but I do know that I have not been riddled with worry about her for the past week, which has been great for me. If the only thing I can change is myself, then I'd say that's a positive change.

Whew, scary!

AND my son is making the most wonderful noises while playing by himself right now. Wish I could record it and let everyone hear. He's talking to the monkey on his jumper/exer-saucer.

mouthfulofclay

Oh yeah, for those who don't live in the states, CPS = Child Protective Services.

federica

Come what may, this child will have a place in your family. it will be a new Life which may be a calling to you and an introduction to your lives that will have meaning, resonance and poignancy.
You never know - nobody can ever really know - what will be. but we simply have to take the truth in front of us and channel it, develop it and nurture it to the best of our Positive intention's ability.

And by the way....

Your son sounds saner than I am, too....Which probably means he is!!

Palzang

I think you made the right decision, MOC. I would only use CPS as a very last resort after all the horror stories I've heard about the things they do, which is often much worse than doing nothing.

Palzang

not1not2

Some articles you may find helpful:

A couple from Lama Surya Das-
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/219/story_21929_1.html

Then apply what I call the Six Steps to Anger Management, which also could be called steps to mindfulness, freedom, and authentic responsiveness. Collectively, they are like cool, fresh breaths of mindful awareness that can help you let go of negativity and keep you from falling into regrettable outcomes. To remember these steps, think of them as the six R’s:

1. Recognizing: Noticing with objective equanimity a familiar stimulus—like harsh words—that pushes a hot button for you, triggering an unskillful retaliatory response.

2. Recollecting: remembering the disadvantages of returning anger with anger, negative with negative, and the advantages of practicing patience, forbearance, tolerance, and acceptance.

3. Refraining by restraining and reframing: seeing things from alternative points of view, including that of your antagonist (if the situation involves a button-pushing person); cultivating compassion; acknowledging the law of karma (what goes around comes around); and considering the situation an opportunity to develop patience or the person a teacher who can help you do this.

4. Relinquishing: letting go of habitual reactivity and impulsive urges in favor of more consciously chosen and intelligent courses of action.

5. Reconditioning: Going back over what you have done and learned so far—the entire dynamic—to help you substitute a healthier response process for your old knee-jerk conditioning. Repetition is crucial.

6. Responding: Addressing the person or situation patiently, appropriately, intelligently, and proactively (rather than reactively). Let spiritual intelligence be your guide.

and-
http://www.beliefnet.com/story/51/story_5112_1.html

The truth is, we all have some anger in us. Even the Dalai Lama says he gets angry as does the Vietnamese Zen master and peace activist Thich Nhat HanhThe difference is that these two sages know what to do with their anger. Intense angry feelings don't automatically become unhealthy or destructive or drive negative actions.

The Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh, I believe, have learned to constructively channel the energy that can turn into anger. Through opening the heart to that energy rather than repressing and suppressing it they have learned how to recognize its essential emptiness and transitory nature, and then transform and release it, or direct it creatively.

An section on metta (loving-kindness) bhavana (cultivation) from buddhanet-
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta.htm

It is a fact of life that many people are troubled by difficult emotional states in the pressured societies we live in, but do little in terms of developing skills to deal with them. Yet even when the mind goes sour it is within most people's capacity to arouse positive feelings to sweeten it. Loving-kindness is a meditation practice taught by the Buddha to develop the mental habit of selfless or altruistic love. In the Dhammapada can be found the saying: "Hatred cannot coexist with loving-kindness, and dissipates if supplanted with thoughts based on loving-kindness."

Honestly, this is a wonderful practice. And the attitude it promotes is genuine. I would recommend it to anyone, even if they don't have anger issues. The state of mind it produces is truly wonderful.

You may also want to look into this book by Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh-
http://www.amazon.com/Anger-Thich-Nhat-Hanh/dp/1573229377

It has a lot of great advice on how to treat your anger and offers some perspectives i wouldn't have thought of myself such as how our diet contributes to our physiological responses.

Anyway, not too much as far as direct advice goes (others have provided some wise words), but i think these are some excellent resources and I hope they help you in some way. I would like to say that it is important to remember that it is love/compassion that has motivated your desire for her not to have a child. The anger is simply your grasping at that desire in an unwholesome way. I imagine you wouldn't be posting had you not noticed the undesirability of anger as an emotion. Let me ask you this, in what way does anger help this situation? Now, you may say that it doesn't, but you would probably not having these issues if you did not feel you needed to be angry for some reason. So, somewhere, you feel that anger is somehow desirable in certain instances. It is at least preferable over the indifference shown by the other side of her family to you. Basically, if you really get down to it, figuring out really well why it is you are so upset, then you can get to the solution. Part of it seems to be that you are upset with your cousin and you are holding her completely responsible for her decisions. Not that she isn't the one making them. It's just that she is completely out of control. She is in a depraved state of ignorance and addiction and can do nothing but simply follow the most prominent impulses she has. She has a lot of misguided ideas, some disorders and very poor impulse recognition and/or control. Her happiness is completely at the whims of these forces. This does not excuse any of her behaviors or somehow make them acceptable, but understanding this can help diffuse the anger and enable an ability to approach these situations with genuine compassion and goodwill. At least it has for me.

_/\_
metta

Palzang

Another excellent book is Working with Anger by Thubten Chodron. Written by a Western nun for Westerners.

Palzang

not1not2

Oooh, i love Thubten Chodron. I should really get some of her books.

_/\_
metta

mouthfulofclay

Fed

Sane is not usually the word I use to describe my son. Insane and awesome come to mind. Do you eat cat food and lick your reflection in the mirror?

Palzang

Not related to my own interaction (or lack thereof) with CPS: Their intervention has been a very good thing for some friends of ours, who are temporarily without their daughter. Slowly but surely our friend is coming to terms with the fact that his wife and her heroin problem may have to go away, because his daughter is more important. CPS has been kind, but they have also really done their job. Although the situation sucks, I'd say that's good news and a positive mark for CPS.

mouthfulofclay

not1not2

Simply: thank you.

not1not2

mouthfulofclay wrote:

not1not2

Simply: thank you.

You're welcome

_/\_
metta

Xrayman

I applaud your calmness of mind-to be a friend rather than an enemy. I hope for the child's sake that they are as healthy as it can be.

I may be a long time not here seeing this set of posts but i can see the intention of other posts to maintain an air of peace (even though you disagree with the mother's intent).

at leadst you wrote down your feelings rather than blurted out and created further hurt for this addicted mother.

cheers

and let's hope she eventually awakens from her drug induced stupor-sorry for the brashness.

mouthfulofclay

danka, xray.