Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Lightening the mood
Simonthepilgrim
Veteran
We are currently hosts to some 'refugees' from the flooding in neighbouring Gloucester. Looking for something to amuse us all, I came across this among the scores of old files on my back-up hard disk. I hope there may be soime new ones for you:
McLean's Maxim: There are only two problems with people. One is that they don't think. The other is that they do.
Old Scottish Prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
Therapist's Observation: It's easy to crticize paranoid people, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give it the least.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Chesterson's Observation: I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing had happened.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Cosemtologist's Principle: Whenever you need to stop at a light to put on makeup, every light will be green.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Deitz's Law of Ego: The fury engendered by the misspelling of a name in a column is in direct ratio to the obscurity of the mentionee.
Dolly Parton's Principle: The bigger they are, the harder it is to see your shoes.
Epstein's Law: If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it!
Ginsberg's Theorems: You can't win, you can't break even, you can't even quit the game.
Liebermann's Law: Everybody lies but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
And finally, there was the person who sent different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
McLean's Maxim: There are only two problems with people. One is that they don't think. The other is that they do.
Old Scottish Prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
Therapist's Observation: It's easy to crticize paranoid people, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give it the least.
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
Chesterson's Observation: I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on as though nothing had happened.
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Cosemtologist's Principle: Whenever you need to stop at a light to put on makeup, every light will be green.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Deitz's Law of Ego: The fury engendered by the misspelling of a name in a column is in direct ratio to the obscurity of the mentionee.
Dolly Parton's Principle: The bigger they are, the harder it is to see your shoes.
Epstein's Law: If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it!
Ginsberg's Theorems: You can't win, you can't break even, you can't even quit the game.
Liebermann's Law: Everybody lies but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
And finally, there was the person who sent different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
0
Comments
Good for you Simon...
Don't they say that the best remedy to any problem is to find a little humour in it?
keep your chin up!
Palzang
I've always thought that paranoia was an entirely appropriate response to a hospital stay: that are out to get you; they are tampering with your food; and they are watching you.