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how to handle argument
hi, this is my first post here. i have read about buddhism off and on for the past few years. i wouldnt say i am a buddhist, but i do apply much of what buddhism teaches. my question is, when my wife and i argue, most of the time i am able to remain calm, but sometimes, i give in to my emotions. i would like to resolve the issues on a more calm level, but she seems to deal with argument by shouting. what is the best way to handle this issue, by staying and listening to her yell or to tell her i dont wish to yell and to leave? i was just wondering what buddhism says about these kind of situations. thanks
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for that of another,
no matter how great.
Realizing your own true welfare,
be intent on just that.
(Dhammapada vs 166)
Sorry you are having trouble with arguments...
Just curious about what 'escalates' your wife into shouting (is it because you stay silent? She may be misinterpreting your silence as something other than you intend.) If she doesn't think you are listening her natural response might well be to talk louder, you know? "Can you hear me now?"
What is the other reason to argue?
:hrm:
One of my pet peeves about arguing with people though is when it resorts to shouting or emotion based arguing. I simply refuse to debate people who whine or shout in an argument.
Well, I'll let others address what "Buddhism" teaches, but I think what's at issue here is a marital communication issue, which wouldn't really entail too many ethical and religious considerations, as they don't tend to deal with really intimate relationships too well.
As I see it, the basic problem would be the failure of at least one of the parties to see how his or her communication style or behaviour is seen by the other as either demeaning, uncaring, or shifting of (or exaggerating) the importance of matters. There are lots of good books on these matters that marriage counselors and others can enlighten one about.
As for your specific question about whether to stay and listen to her yell or leave when you can't stand it, I'd say a bit of both. YOU HAVE to listen to her basic message SOMETIME, but do have the right to a modicum of peace in your own home. And TIMING is everything. If she catches you at a bad time, tell her and set up a better time with her to discuss the matter calmly and methodically. And remind her just how precious personal space is sometimes, and that you are preoccupied with so many things right now.
Of course, my own personal spiel would be ALWAYS to include love, that thing "without which all our doings are nothing worth..." Yes, I believe, one should even argue or debate out of love for what unites us and not for the sake of crafty tricks and the like. I guess that would be Right Intention.
It's been my repeated experience that if you want to learn how to do anything better in a relationship, go to Dr. Phil. He's always on the mark, or pretty darn close, when it comes to relationships. I don't know if you're in North America or even familiar with Dr. Phil but you can find him at Dr. Phil.com.
None the less, examined at another level it is not at all about a need to be listened to. More to the point, the argument should not have had to be had to start with.
It is really about the need to let know where to stand, instead of the same old "what should...?" cop out when we knew well enough already.
Grow up.
One:
Any time you fall into an argument, the fundamental reason is for the desire to be heard, respected and complied with.
No matter how slight or trivial, it shields a fundamental desire to be in control. we get angry because the other person is not complying with our Will, so we protest.
Secondly, whilst it's ok to have emotions, the trick is to not remain attached to them. This is tricky.
if they are a part of you, and you have no need to be rid of them, how do you 'detach'?
It's simple.
You recognise Anger. You observe it. You question its origin and what is feeding it. You accept that whatever fuels it burns you first and will not last, as it is impermanent, and then you can see it for the clingingsome impostor it really is.
("Clingingsome" is a real word. I just invented it. So there.)
The reason your wife gets angry is almost certainly because she is interpreting your calm state as "I give a damn, you can rant and rave all you like, I can keep my temper in check, so you are obviously inferior, as you obviously can't."
Try the speaker listener technique.
It's brilliant and it works.
In a nutshell, you hold an object (preferably not sharp - or 'blunt' for that matter. Something like a banana would do.
Whoever is holding it "has the floor".
let's say it's person A.
A speaks their mind, but they take ownership of the matter, and do not accuse, or put the blame on the other person. (NOT: "You make me so mad", or "you really piss me off when you".... BUT "I find i get upset when", or "I'm uncomfortable with".....) see what I mean?
person B listens.
They do not, interrupt, interject or protest. They shut up and listen.
When person A has finished, person B has to summarise what they have heard.
They don't interpret, respond or add or enlarge. they merely relate back exactly what they have heard, maybe in summary.
If person A feels their point has not hit home, they can elaborate, or explain in more detail.
ONLY WHEN PERSON A FEELS THEY HAVE BEEN REALLY, TRULY Listened to - do they then pass the object (Hot banana) to person B.
Person B then 'has the floor'.
They in turn,respond, again, taking ownership and explaining their own reasons for their behaviour.
Person A may not interrupt, interpret, interject or object.
Each person has a right to be heard.
And each perosn has the opportunity to really listen, and really hear what the other person is feeling.
All too often in an argument, when we're "under attack" we're already formulating a defensive response, so we never usually take on board or fully 'hear' the other person.
Try this first of all with a trusted friend, using a really trivial minor gripe.
It takes practise.
But trust me - it works.
I am often reprimanded, shouted down for letting know where to stand, knowing well enough that what they want is more of the same old make believe but that is OK, so much the better to know what else to attend to.
That is the point of
"Don't sacrifice your own welfare"
:bigclap: