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Lies, lies...all lies!!
Brigid
Veteran
Now that I have your attention...
I've been watching myself recently. Specifically, I've been watching how often I lie, either to myself or to others.
Now normally I would say I'm about average when it comes to lying. I'm not pathological about it nor am I perfectly honest all the time.
But when I actually started watching, taking note, I was blown away. I lie a lot. I really do. It's almost unbelievable. I'm actually shocked at how much I lie. Not about big things, or even important things. Just small, day to day things. Unimportant things. Taking what seems to be the easy-way-out-at-the-time sort of lies. Little white lies. Not-revealing-the-whole-truth lies. Lying by omission. Lying to myself. I never would have believed it before I really started looking.
It's scary. The Buddha had particularly harsh things to say about lying. I think it's time I started working on it. Really working on it.
So, here's a nice comfy question for you all. How much do you lie? Truthfully, now.
I've been watching myself recently. Specifically, I've been watching how often I lie, either to myself or to others.
Now normally I would say I'm about average when it comes to lying. I'm not pathological about it nor am I perfectly honest all the time.
But when I actually started watching, taking note, I was blown away. I lie a lot. I really do. It's almost unbelievable. I'm actually shocked at how much I lie. Not about big things, or even important things. Just small, day to day things. Unimportant things. Taking what seems to be the easy-way-out-at-the-time sort of lies. Little white lies. Not-revealing-the-whole-truth lies. Lying by omission. Lying to myself. I never would have believed it before I really started looking.
It's scary. The Buddha had particularly harsh things to say about lying. I think it's time I started working on it. Really working on it.
So, here's a nice comfy question for you all. How much do you lie? Truthfully, now.
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Comments
As Lama Surya Das so succinctly pointed out though,
"It all begins in your head, with what you tell yourself....."
The one thing I do not lie about though, is my personal devotion to my calling, and how much Buddhism, and my Sangha-feinds mean to me....
But...
"Could do better".
Good post Brigid....
Watching yourself is not only scary, but is almost so bad you want to turn away the sight can be so horrendous in such circumstances.
But I think the first thing to do is to permit ourselves to feel Self-Compassion, Metta, Karuna....
It's just a way of realising we're just a child, looking for a way to hide the pain, to avoid the pain, and to avoid giving pain.
The odd little lie is so much easier than telling the Truth, the whole Truth and nothing but the truth.
Oh, Oooooh... Weird episode....
I'm walking in the street yesterday, right? And I see this young, slim blonde lady (well, I heard her heels clacking on the pavement first, and I turned to see where the noise was coming from) and she's dressed mainly in black, but she has a pair of white, thigh-length tasselled high-heeled boots on.
And my mind played out a scenario... as if I knew her... and she'd asked me what I thought of her boots.... (weird mind I've got) and I'm thinking (in my thinking) 'It's a shame an animal had to die for so much leather, just to make you look like a hooker'.... but then (Still thinking within my thinking) "I can't say that! It's wrong speech!" I say to her, "Well, it's not something I'd wear, but if you're really happy, that's all that matters, isn't it?" (I'm imagining this little scenario....how nuts am I....?!) But it was a realisation of how difficult it is in any situation to be completely honest, without being hurtful.
How do we do that?
In another forum, a discussion came to the conclusion that lying, for whatever reason, is Wrong Speech. We need to clarify any situation with our preliminary View and Intention, before appraising what we say, even.....
Being Mindful and Skillful sure is hard...!
Oh and please - someone tell me I'm not the only one to run an entire mini-series of 'pseudo-Dallas' in the head!
No, you're definitely not the only one. I do that a lot, too, although I don't know how much comfort that is to you.
We lie to ourselves sometimes because the truth would kill us. We maybe have to approach lying to ourselves the way we would approach any other addiction - slowly and surely cutting it out. Gradually we will become strong enough to face the total truth about ourselves.
But as Fede said - to do that, we have to have the unconditional love for self that we have for others, and that is one of the hardest things of all for some of us.
There's a discussion on Lying, false speech and whether it is ever acceptable, on another forum...
One of the 'wiser' elders there came back with this explanation:
If you blatantly lie and it is self-serving, you generate bad karma.
If you lie with a kind or considerate motivation, (to avoid hurting someone's feelings) you generate slightly better Karma.
If you lie for Noble reasons, (for example, some people harboured and hid Jews during WWII to save them from the obvious. This meant being secretive and lying to the German Authorites,) then you generate Karma there too...
It doesn't matter that you lie. The problem is the type of Karma you will generate.
That perhaps is a better indication of assessing whether the Lie is worth the telling, or not....
I found this useful.
I found the example of Jews being hidden during WWII very, very helpful. Thank you for that!
No, never catch me doing that, never. Nor doing it out loud, playing both parts, really you wouldn't
:thumbsup:
Thanks for the minder!
Lies and deceit? These have been my constant companions over so many years. It has been about 20 years since I began to watch myself for the untruths that I told or embodied and it gets no easier. I compare it with the self-checking that I am told that people with leprosy have to do.
Here is my take on myself. Because I know my skill at self-deception I cannot be sure that it is accurate.
My lying and self-deception arise from deeper need, from the very earliest wounds. They are how I have avoided not only pain and stress - unsuccessfully, of course - but also, and even more uselessly, the anticipatory fear of pain. They manifest themselves in vanity and defensiveness. They result in a blindness towards my own authenticity, let alone that of others.
When I first took responsibility for this habit of deceit, the task of following a path of honesty seemed too big, too daunting, far beyond me. There are times when it still seems like an unclimbable mountain but the terrain is now familiar.
One of the lessons that I have learned is that living in deceit is to deny hope. The path of compassionate honesty generates hope.
Honest. :bowdown:
*hugs*
Who is W.O.B? I don't see anyone in the thread with those initials...did I miss someone?:scratch:
I'm glad you brought up the work thing because it seems to me that it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to maintain absolute honesty in a work setting, or at least that's been my experience.
Since I started to "check myself", as Simon put it so well, I find it very easy to slip back into old habits, easier than with most other things, which tells me how ingrained the lying actually is. I imagine I'll have to work on this for the rest of my life. It's a lot of work but worth every ounce of effort.
Hello Kisa, and welcome!!
Drop in on the New Members' Introduction thread, (In The Lotus Lounge) and tell us all about yourself....
Leave nothing out....
It makes blackmail so much easier....!!:D
Nice to meet you!!:wavey:
What helped me was to encounter the Enneagram, through what we call the 'narrative tradition' where we discern the different aspects via telling and listening to our shared stories. Because the training was within the context of an open-minded and open-hearted religious community, we were constantly reminded that the Enneagram is seen as a "compassionate mirror". Instead of 'sins' or 'faults', we were urged to see our habits as wounds and hungers (just as Virginia Satir used to say). Meditation is an integral and essential part of the training and the ongoing study, which certainly helped me to develop a regular daily practice.
What is certain is that we shall only make the move away from our habit of deceit, or laziness, or anger, or any of our other bad life-habits, when we can bring the light of compassionate attention and intention to bear.
For those of us who find inspiration in the bodhisattva ideal, I would share this:
Turning away from our habit of deceit, or of miserliness, or of fear, is of great benefit to each of us (and I say this from personal experience) once we have gone through the pain of recognition and making such amends as are possible. It is also of benefit to all beings who surround us and beyond. The choice of honesty, or generosity, or courage brings hope, faith and love into a world that thirsts for them.
W.O.B. is kinder than my children's initials for me: O.G. (for Old Git or Old Gangster, depending on who asks) LOL