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Digger
I would first like to apologise (again) for having disappeared for so long without any word. I’m also not too sure if I’ve already posted anything during the past few months as for reasons that will become clear I have no memory of much that has happened during the past several months. So again, please accept my apologies for any repetition.
I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. During the first half of last year I was depressed but not clinically so. I could function reasonably well and managed to work, albeit with some difficulty at times. I had hoped that during my four week holiday in July I would have the chance to rest and recuperate and get back to a more level mood. All seemed to go well until I returned to work when I fell over the chasm into the darkness again. A colleague described it as though I was dying a little bit every day. In fact I was much closer to death than anyone realised for a week later I tried to kill myself. Exactly what happened is not important and to this day I’m not sure if I was serious or desperately crying out for help.
The next day I was in hospital where I remained for several weeks. My memories of this time are very blurred, no doubt in part due to the drugs and ECT and perhaps a desire to forget the bad times. To cut a long story very short, I didn’t work for six months (we have a wonderful welfare and health care system in Sweden) and have only just started full time after a period of part time working. I now have a much better understanding of my illness and realise for the first time just how serious and life threatening it is.
I have no memory of this but I had many tests in hospital including brain scans of various descriptions and it appears that I may also have very mild autism. Now I’ve lived 50 years and had a successful career without knowing this but it does help me to understand aspects of myself which other people find strange, such as my total trust in what people tell me and my dislike of face-to-face of telephone conversations (email and the internet are wonderful for me).
And so I’m back. My mood is stable but whether that is natural or a result of medication I have no idea. Perhaps it doesn’t really matter. Anyway I hope to be a part of this community again and continue with my journey. Whether you consider Buddhism to be a religion or a philosophy of life, to meet, engage with, learn from, and maybe even guide and teach fellow travellers is perhaps the whole point of the journey. I have been to places that I hope no other living creature has to go so if there is anything I can do help you please, please just ask.
With loving kindness
Ian
I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. During the first half of last year I was depressed but not clinically so. I could function reasonably well and managed to work, albeit with some difficulty at times. I had hoped that during my four week holiday in July I would have the chance to rest and recuperate and get back to a more level mood. All seemed to go well until I returned to work when I fell over the chasm into the darkness again. A colleague described it as though I was dying a little bit every day. In fact I was much closer to death than anyone realised for a week later I tried to kill myself. Exactly what happened is not important and to this day I’m not sure if I was serious or desperately crying out for help.
The next day I was in hospital where I remained for several weeks. My memories of this time are very blurred, no doubt in part due to the drugs and ECT and perhaps a desire to forget the bad times. To cut a long story very short, I didn’t work for six months (we have a wonderful welfare and health care system in Sweden) and have only just started full time after a period of part time working. I now have a much better understanding of my illness and realise for the first time just how serious and life threatening it is.
I have no memory of this but I had many tests in hospital including brain scans of various descriptions and it appears that I may also have very mild autism. Now I’ve lived 50 years and had a successful career without knowing this but it does help me to understand aspects of myself which other people find strange, such as my total trust in what people tell me and my dislike of face-to-face of telephone conversations (email and the internet are wonderful for me).
And so I’m back. My mood is stable but whether that is natural or a result of medication I have no idea. Perhaps it doesn’t really matter. Anyway I hope to be a part of this community again and continue with my journey. Whether you consider Buddhism to be a religion or a philosophy of life, to meet, engage with, learn from, and maybe even guide and teach fellow travellers is perhaps the whole point of the journey. I have been to places that I hope no other living creature has to go so if there is anything I can do help you please, please just ask.
With loving kindness
Ian
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Comments
It is good to see you back and to learn that you are feeling better.
This is a good place and one where you are more likely to find loving support than judgment - and you are not the only BPDer!
Be kind to yourself and let that kindness spread out. Your experience can benefit all being if you let it.
Welcome back and may you know happiness and all the causes of happiness.
20 years misdiagnosed and mistreated - now on Depakote and OK-ish. So I know the abyss (funnily enough used the same word with my shrink last week!!!) So come on in, have a cup of tea, bit of home-made cake and talk (or not, we don't mind) and feel welcome and safe.
This is a good place to come - nobody judges and discussions are gentle.
(and if you get at all wobbly, friend, just grab my hand - OK?)
so just,
Hello, glad you're back, and never, ever, ever hold back on anything you want to say or express. Whatever it is, this is the exact place to dump it all.
FedeXX
Bless your heart! You've suffered so and my heart and mind go out to you. You never have to apologize for absences. I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say we're just glad to hear from you again. You've always been such a dear and kind member of this discussion group and it brightens my day so much to hear from you.
I've been reading through Knitwitch's blog ( the URL is at the bottom of her posts) and found it to be wonderful. I highly recommend it, if you feel like reading it.
I'm so glad you've climbed your way out of the abyss. It's truly amazing how much power our brain chemistry has, isn't it? Power for good and bad. Bless Sweden and its wonderful health care system! It's a great comfort to know you're living in that wonderful country amongst some of the best health care practitioners in the world.
Welcome back, dear friend.
With much love and many warm, gentle hugs,
Your friend and sister in the Dhamma,
Boo