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Overcoming Resentment
Hi everyone,
I was hoping you guys and gals could help me with something. My dear husband is having trobles with resentment and I am looking for ways to try and help him overcome his resentment. It is truly affecting his happiness in life, and I am just not sure how to help him. Could someone tell me what the Buddha says about resentment? Has anyone here been able to overcome resentment? He has a lot of anger towards his family and towards life in general and it is starting to affect our marriage.
Thanks so much for the help.
Kim
I was hoping you guys and gals could help me with something. My dear husband is having trobles with resentment and I am looking for ways to try and help him overcome his resentment. It is truly affecting his happiness in life, and I am just not sure how to help him. Could someone tell me what the Buddha says about resentment? Has anyone here been able to overcome resentment? He has a lot of anger towards his family and towards life in general and it is starting to affect our marriage.
Thanks so much for the help.
Kim
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Comments
He just has to let it go. As for how, that all depends on the person and the specific circumstances involved. I have been able to let go of some resentment here and there, but each case was different. For example, I was able to let go of my anger towards someone who left me for another person. In that case, I was able to do so by realizing three things: (i) that I was partially at fault, (ii) that she just wanted to be happy, and (ii) that we all make mistakes, and being angry just hurt me unnecessarily.
Jason
It can be very difficult to find a skilful way to tell someone that they have an emotional problem. Even when it's completely obvious to everyone who knows him!
My teacher usually tells me to try loving-kindness meditation when I'm having difficulty with anger or depression. I'm not sure what your own situation is, do you have a meditation teacher? If you can get your husband to take classes with you, that might be good for you both.
As for Buddha's teachings on resentment, all I can think of at the moment is the bit from the Dhammapada:
Hi Kim,
Perhaps it may help if he focuses on the things he 'has' in life, rather than the times when he suffered injustice at the hands of others. He can't turn the clock back, only go forward. When these things are dropped, there is relief because in letting them go, he lets himself go and will feel free. No longer a prisoner of the past but living for now.
Good luck
Kris
Thanks again...and please keep my husband in your thoughts. I just want him to be happy, and I know that deep down, he is in a lot of pain. It comes from his awful childhood.
Just take it slow and steady. Be supportive and keeping do what you're already doing (e.g., doing yoga with him, suggesting meditation, etc.), and hopefully everything will work out.
Jason
Time heals all wounds, I suppose. It's just something that we have to consciously work towards - and I look at it in the same light as physical exercise - it's hard, but if you work towards it, eventually you'll get the result you are looking for.
A serious suggestion, Kim. A how that can really make a difference and avoids all the cant or 'wise words' which can simply add to the resentment.
Every aspect of gardening, from planning, through digging and weeding, to planting is a deply creative and tiring exercise. I could say more; I could go on for hours but I urge you to try it.
And, doing it together, plus children even, is truly empowers and strengthen bonds.
P.S. For those who need a spiritual dimension, I refer you to George Herbert (if Christian) and to the wonderful Tibetan and Zen gardens.
My shrink has actually advocated in CBT a "count your blessings" exercise to counteract the natural human tendency to focus on the one negative thing against the loads of positives. - he calls it a "balance sheet".
And - the past is gone and we can't change it, we can only learn from it, the future is unknown, we have only the present that we can control and make happy. So live in the present.
Hi Simon,
I love your idea, however, we already grow almost all of our own food by gardening.
And just an update, my husband and I went to a Family Therapist and it went so well. She is going to help my husband with how to let go of the past and with how to be happier with what he has, so it will be great. I know he has a long tough road ahead of him, but I will do whatever I can to help and support him.
Thanks to all for the advice and suggestions.
Kim
I am so glad to hear that family therapy is helping. The road can be rocky but it has gentler patches too.
On the topic of gardening, I do hope that some of what you do is purely ornamental not just useful.
Hi Yoda,
Just my $0.02 here...
I am a firm believer that if you engage in a serious conversation letting someone know that you are not judging them and truly just want them to be happy (maybe make them hold your hand or something) you can talk about a great deal. Given that it's his resentment, he may exhibit some anger - which you cannot respond to with anger. This is your job to be supportive.
I know you LOVE yoga - but does that mean he loves yoga? If he's digging it, that's cool. But make sure that he's doing something that is bringing him peace and allowing him to release pent up feelings and emotions.
I know I always felt better after a long, sweaty run or some sparring until I was exhausted.
I hope you guys are well and happy.
-bf
Also, any good therapy is a growing process and it takes a while. Remember, most men in the west are trained to respond in only one way and that is anger. It takes a while for other feelings to start coming out.
Something else just popped up in my head. Sometimes I had to start at the place as "My anger and resentment are eating me alive. I need to forgive and let go for my own sanity". Works as a great starting place.
But it really is a helluva hill to climb and no matter how much partners and very good friends want to help, the old wisdom is still true ........... it has to come from ones self.
Isn't that truly the mystery, the paradox and the miracle: we have to do it (whatever 'it' may be) for ourselves and/but we are also surrounded by and heirs to wisdom which enables and empowers us to get on and do it.
All those of us who use support groups (including this one) are acknowledging the need for a community around us and, in my case certainly, celebrating he honesty and courage of our peers.
"TOGETHER WE CAN"
I count myself inestimably blessed to have come through the many seismic upheavals in my life just having survived (see blog) and that is why I am so eager to put something back in the pot and try to aid anyone else suffering.... even if I can't do it for them.
What was that email that did the rounds a few years ago about girlfriends? Standing around on the rocks cheering you across the desert and sometimes breaking every rule to run down and carry you across.
Just about sums it up.
Where have you been? It's good to see you on here.
Well, my husband has done yoga with me a few times, but I think you are right. He does not love it like I do, so I don't think it's working for him. He used to do yoga all the time, so I thought he would enjoy doing it again, but he doesn't. Which is tough for me because I know it really does work. Unfortunately, he has not been doing much to "de-stress" and I am not sure what to say at this point. I guess I just need to come to terms with the fact that if he does not want to do anything to make himself more happy, then there is nothing I can do about it, right? It's just tough to see the person you love not happy. I am hoping the therapy sessions work for him. And thank you all for the advice about how to be supportive and not overbearing!
He has been meditating, without me pushing him to do so, so that's a good start.
This is also difficult for me because I am just a very happy person, no matter what's going on. Well, for the most part anyways! I guess we balance each other out, right?
Thanks again,
Kim
I am really good.
I know what you about pessimism. I am definitely the "My Glass Is Completely Empty And I'm Going To Find The Bastard That Drank All Of It And Make Them Pay" kind of a person.
Good luck to you guys. Too bad you didn't live closer. I'd take him out and tell him all of your secrets.
-bf
Oh, that is totally my husband as well! Is that fairly typical of guys? I just don't get it.
Thank goodness we don't live closer. I'd hate for him to know all my secrets. Wait...do I even have any? I'm pretty boring.
So I have started (by the advice of a counselor) saying to myself once a day or more if he invades my thoughts.
"I love him, I forgive him, I cannot change him, I do NOT need to understand him and it's ok to not want him in my life."
Now this is still feeling very strange but they tell me it will get easier with time. And that one day I will begin to believe it and will be able to let the pain go.
When I think of him and start to become upset.......I stop the story line, say my saying and then try and move my thoughts to something pleasant and if that doesn't work I make myself busy so that my thoughts have to change to what I'm doing.
I can't say that the saying is working yet but it is becoming easier to drop the story line in my head and move to something more pleasant.
I think that's a pretty big deal already, Deb. Working with our thinking...well...works, for lack of a better term. And the more we do it the better we get at it.
Unless we've been working with our thoughts for a while, most of us have little control over them. But thinking is not like blood circulation or digestion, it doesn't 'just happen' to us. It's something we can have complete control over if we're willing and able to work at it and if we have the right tools and techniques. And as we all know, everything begins with, and comes from, thought. It's the origin of everything we experience in life including our happiness and peace of mind. So if we know there's a way to gain control over our thinking, and thus our happiness, we should get to work right away, shouldn't we? Of course we should! Lol! And that's exactly what you're doing, Deb, and I know the work you're doing now will pay off later. It's guaranteed. Isn't that cool?
Sending you love and hugs as always, my sister in the Dhamma.
At least you're moving on to something more pleasant instead of wallowing in the mental mess like I would continue to be doing
-bf
Thanks BF aka GI Joe
Damn me and my mouth but I don't agree with this....
I fully appreciate the good intentions of your counsellor, but there's something wrong 'with this picture'.
In my humble but relatively experienced opinion - you don't have to love him.
No, you don't. Not yet.
This is too big a deal to ask someone to contend with.
And I think the phraseology is...er.... oh heck... it's too 'namby-pamby' to have as positive an effect as it should have.
Here's what I learnt:
"You don't own me. You do not control me and you will not govern my thoughts any more. Never without my permission, and I deny you that from this instant on.
I cannot change what happened. But I am changing how I see it. And I see that by giving you control over me, I am weaker, and you will NOT weaken me any more."
Once you get you back, and you realise you have empowered yourself, then you can certainly begin to feel compassion, Loving Kindness and equanimity.
First you have to heal you.
Then you can heal him, in you.
I apologise profusely and unreservedly if I have spoken out of turn.
I hope I have not hurt your feelings, and I would never do anything deliberately to undermine what you are doing and with whom.
I'm trying to move on............I found out last year how time flies and life is to short for all the drama. DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA and isn't that what a lot of life is.........just drama......it really doesn't matter........it's not what's important.
I thank you for your thoughts and I believe I will add a few lines from your post if you don't mind to my little saying.......
Thanks Fede........
Deb
They did everything they could to spook the hermits and make them leave. And it worked. The monks couldn't possibly meditate with so much disturbance, so they went back to the Buddha and begged him to let them go somewhere else. But no. Instead, he taught them a meditation practice of loving kindness, or metta in Sanskrit, which develops loving kindness towards everyone, including yourself and your enemies. And then he sent the monks back to the forest. His famous words were, This is the only protection you will need.
Thinking the Buddha must be mad, the monks reluctantly went back to the glade, sat down and began practicing metta. And the tree spirits, who at first were not at all pleased to see them returning, no longer had any effect on them. For all their antics, the monks just kept sitting there and beaming out loving kindness. Eventually the spirits were won over by the waves of love and compassion emanating from these robed ones and, far from than chasing them away, the same nasties that had been so ferocious now became disciples.
The question is, who are the tree spirits? They are everything that goes on in our own minds--all the dark places, doubts, insecurities, fears, anger, negative thoughts-- that constantly undermine our balance and positivity. And the point the Buddha was making is that loving kindness has the capacity to overcome all manner of inner monsters and ghouls and lead us to a true heart opening. Metta is the act of extending our love, kindness and friendship equally towards all beings, proving that love is more powerful than any negative force. Rather than trying to deal with negativity, we cultivate the opposite; seeing and knowing pain, we bring loving kindness.
We know this sounds so easy: just be kind and loving, how great, what a cool idea. But in practice it is not always so easy, such as when someone says or does something that is personally critical, derogatory or hurtful. Can metta still flow when the ego is upset? By focusing on loving kindness as a way of living, it shows us all those places that are bound in ego and selfishness; it brings us up against our limitations and means confronting our boundaries. Where do we meet our edge? Where is our capacity to step over the edge into greater kindness? How genuine is our ability to bring kindness to a difficult situation?
We remember talking with our friend, the spiritual teacher Ram Dass, at the time of the Clinton/Dole election, and he told us how he had a picture of Bob Dole on his meditation altar as "Dole needs the most love and compassion as he is the one being so vilified."
In that act, he was practicing true metta. It was an important reminder not to cast anyone out of our hearts, for in the process we are casting out ourselves. If we feel affected by someone being hostile, dismissive, critical or hurtful it is invariably because there is a hook in us for that negativity to grab hold of, a place where it can land and trigger all our hidden feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, doubt, even self-hate. However, when we extend metta towards someone we are having a hard time with, an extraordinary thing happens: the landing place, or the hook within, begins to dissolve. In opening to loving kindness our positivity is strengthened. When there is no place for the negativity to land, it dissolves.
Metta asks that we stay caring, that we keep the heart open in the face of the person or situation we are struggling with and all the accompanying anger, annoyance and conflict, and to hold that with gentle tenderness. Then amazing change is possible.
May all beings be happy and free from suffering.
Fede, I think it is by loving others, most especially our worst enemies and those who have hurt us the most, that we truly heal ourselves. They are our best teachers. They are us, and we are them.
Palzang
I think resentments are often treated like bad dogs with ignorant owners. They're pushed away like it'll make them behave - but that doesn't seem to work. A resentment desires acknowledgement - this is a great way to help someone's resentment. The balance in taking the middle path this way is to listen fully and completely to someone without endorsing action taken on it. It often feels to those of us with resentment, that some kind of action MUST be taken for the resentment to be cured, but this is the exact same trap as the cigarette.
If any of you have ever read Alan Carr's Easy Way To Stop Smoking you'll know what I mean: The cigarette is not the cure for the craving of cigarettes, it is only the cause of them. The cure for the craving of the cigarette is to entirely emerse yourself in the craving - but registering the suffering of it and knowing fully that it is the cigarette which is creating that feeling.
In the exact same way, to help another person overcome resentment you might want to get him to express his anger and hatred however irrational - even in silence to himself. Lots of screaming and crying - I guarantee if he takes it on the chin and doesn't feed the resentment with more thoughts of 'revenge' or 'aggressive' behaviour it will die out in 3 days and never arise again.
Angry thoughts have the same relationship to resentment and unhappiness
As cigarettes have to craving cigarettes.
I hope this helps.
"Wanting revenge is like holding a hot coal, waiting to throw it at your enemy." - Buddha, I think.