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taking refuge
I'm feeling a bit guilty as I've not contributed here for a long time. Hi to you all, and I'm sorry. I have visited though and read some very good threads. I've been a bit distracted with work, mostly and I hadn't been sitting regularly, more fool me.
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I enquired about taking refuge. I don't want to join a group at the moment, just make the commitment to try harder to absorb the Buddhist way into my everyday life. Whether meditating regularly or being mindful while I'm dealing with the sorts of things that have distracted me recently, it has to be a good thing. In fact I know trying to follow the dharma has started to change me in small ways.
My main worry is explaining to hubby why I want to take refuge. He knows I read Buddhist books and meditate when the house is quiet. It's an intensely private thing to me and I don't wish to jump up and shout 'Hey, look! I'm a Buddhist!' But I feel he may think I'm going to wear robes and rush off and join a sangha or something. I have to gently explain to him how taking refuge for me is more internalised than externalised and I love him deeply and our lives together will be pretty much the same except I would like to set up a small corner for meditation. Oh, and I may become a little calmer! :eek:
Any words of advice that occur to anybody here would be welcome.
Thanks
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I enquired about taking refuge. I don't want to join a group at the moment, just make the commitment to try harder to absorb the Buddhist way into my everyday life. Whether meditating regularly or being mindful while I'm dealing with the sorts of things that have distracted me recently, it has to be a good thing. In fact I know trying to follow the dharma has started to change me in small ways.
My main worry is explaining to hubby why I want to take refuge. He knows I read Buddhist books and meditate when the house is quiet. It's an intensely private thing to me and I don't wish to jump up and shout 'Hey, look! I'm a Buddhist!' But I feel he may think I'm going to wear robes and rush off and join a sangha or something. I have to gently explain to him how taking refuge for me is more internalised than externalised and I love him deeply and our lives together will be pretty much the same except I would like to set up a small corner for meditation. Oh, and I may become a little calmer! :eek:
Any words of advice that occur to anybody here would be welcome.
Thanks
0
Comments
Palzang
The best thing you could do is to proceed quietly with what you're intending to do, without making a song and dance of it.
I know exactly what's happening here.
Your husband feels threatened by your devotion and feels he's out of touch with you.
He may well also feel sidelined and of less importance, and wonder if you're not going 'all religious' on him.
people often become hostile, angry or irritated towards something they do not understand. And if he sees you changing and implementing Buddhist ideals into your life, thus modifying your attitude and behaviour, he may see it as a change he's not entirely comfortable with.
He thinks he's 'losing 'you.
My current partner has taken a far more keen interest, (though he hasn't been on this forum for a while, he IS a member - he says hello, BTW, everyone!! :wavey:).
This incidentally, is not what caused my ex- and I to separate.
But it's true to say that if only one partner is moving along, evolving and changing, and the other one seems stuck in their ways and refuses to at least try to walk in a parallel way - there could be issues further along the way.
Being an Ordained Monk has its trials and hurdles.
But being a devoted Layperson has its challenges too.....
If he sees that you are happier and more settled in your life due to taking refuge, but not "preaching at him" he might even take an interest.
And - what you do on your spiritual path is entirely up to you. Only you can walk it.
Frederica, you expressed my worries very well, much better than I! In fact some things he says make me wonder if he's quite interested, maybe not yet but in the future. He's from a very C of E family but doesn't go to church himself.
I think the soft and slow approach is probably the best way. Basically what I have been doing. Leaving my buddhist books around, my mala on the dressing table, all visual clues. He's not given any hostile noises at all. I may even find him on the journey with me. I hope so.
Knitwitch, I absolutely agree. He's a lovely bloke and quietly spiritual in his own way. He just doesn't talk about it much.
Thank you...all of you....for your insight. It does help.
To begin with, there's no need to apologize. Feel free to speak your mind here.
For my own part, I think that rushing off and joining anything on a whim is something to be avoided if at all possible. Quite often, we are attracted to various groups or ideas that seem so perfect and right only to discover later on that we may have jumped in too soon. There is nothing wrong with careful observation and reflection before making any type of decision, as difficult as that can be for us human beings. It's also understandable to be concerned about your husband's possible reactions and how those might affect your relationship.
That being said, you can take refuge in the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha in your heart without advertising it. Wanting to do it formally, at a temple or whatnot, and explaining why to your husband, is one option, but simply repeating the three-fold refuge with sincerity, whether alone or with a Sangha, is enough. My advice is to practice the precepts and meditation as you have been, and letting the results of your practice speak for themselves. In time, he will see the benefits, and perhaps that will prompt him to explore the practice himself.
But, if you have to explain why, just say it's something that makes you happy.
Jason
Any words of advice that occur to anybody here would be welcome.
Thanks[/QUOTE]Suz,
My partner has seen me in and out of schools of thought for the past year to return to Buddhism again. Luckily, he was a man of the cloth and understands spiritual struggles and that I am trying to find something unique and refreshing for me and no one else. I'm not sure if C of E is as Anglican as Episcopals in the US, but they seem to be nice people at heart and from my understanding similar.
One thing that I haven't done is tell my partner what he should do. I share with him what I'm trying to do. Some days, I do pretty well. Other days, you would think I make a drunken sailor to be a nice guy when I get in a bad mood. (Actually, I get really quiet as I know how I get, tee he he). But the point is that letting your loved one know you are on a spiritual search is all you really have to say right now. If you say anymore later, then you do and let it be. You are not responsible for his response or nonresponse. Just share you, not your beliefs. Here is an example that my partner actually liked and uses at times he says:
We were out driving in the Metro Detroit area and people are known for not being the most thoughtful drivers around here. He had been cut off for the 5th time in a 30 minute drive and was getting quite irritated. I said "Mike, stop for a minute. That man is turning around and speeding toward the hospital. Is someone sick in the car, is his wife in labor, did he just learn a loved one died? He drives like he is feeling a great deal of stress and that is causing him to react, not act. Or he may have just lost his job and burning off some anger. The fact is that we don't know what is happening in that car and it could be someone in pain trying to get rid of it". My partner said "you know, I never thought of it that way". I was explaining the first precept in a daily routine way and he started to calm down. Then to make him laugh I said "or he may be the jerk driver you say he is and he needs to quit trying to kill others and he doesn't own the road! Makes you wonder doesn't it?". After a friendly sigh he did calm down. A few days later I explained where I got that from and it helped me at the time as I had a job that was a road warrior position (Drove 100% for work). Sharing your life says more than preaching to him. actually, I'm thinking about sharing with him a struggle I'm having as I consider him a spiritual person and would like his input.
Remember, your husband has thoughts, feelings, and wants in regards to his own spirituality. I truly try to respect that with people. It's funny not to pray at every meal when my partner and his family do so. But I can sit there and appreciate their gratitude for what they have.
Few groups can be more accepting and open than the C. of E. (Church of England). Dogmatism has tended to be somewhat anathema. The best approach, I have found, is to determine where we agree first, rather than looking for where we differ.
Taking Refuge is a wonderful and beautiful thing.
How can a person really get going on a real spiritual journey without taking some "big" strides? Just the symbolism of taking refuge is alone rich enough to set you going forward in a fuller capacity. By taking refuge you also gain new perspective and spiritual refreshment, and those two things by themselves can make obstacles diminish greatly and even disappear.
Just do it. If a mess happens, it can be made right straightaway.
Kind Pilgrim,
My father tells me he has seen several memorial tablets on Episcopal Church properties that commend the faith of prominent members of the church who "believed in practically all of the doctrines of the Church." Anglicans really don't have many things they are duly bound to believe. They're either High and crazy, Broad and hazy, or Low and lazy.
Good to see your posts!