advice and direction

colleen

hi..
wow.. been a long time since iv been here.. hmm think i will stay and poke around alil.
but i do have a concern and iv searched online for an answer and cant find one.

my son is 20. very buddhist in nature..
he is suffering from abandonment and rejection from his dad.
him and is dad never did have a good relationship.. and his dad and
i separated a year and a half ago.. and has nothing to do with my son.
my son has tried.. his dad is stuck on "poor me, my wife messed up
my life" however.. there was abuse involved and needless to say i moved
on.. obviously my x did not have a good relationship with his dad either.

my query is... where do i find sound direction..a good read.. buddhist thought
.. on help for my son.
he is asking me ???

thanks..
colleen

Simonthepilgrim

Colleen,

Good to see you again.

In a similar situation with my step-daughter at about the same age anent her father, I suggested two things which, nearly 10 years later, she says helped.

The first was to find a counsellor with whom she could make a good alliance and talk about it. This took a bit of doing as she is pretty private but, in the end, we found one who fitted the bill. It is really worth 'shopping around' for the right person. And it is the person who counts, far more than the 'school' or brand of counselling involved.

The second was to introduce her to pottery and sculpting with clay: creative and messy. Both of these seem to help. Certainly, I think that an artistic pursuit gives a symbolic outlet to internal distress.

There is little need, I think, to get all "Buddhist". This is just the wrong time to be studying or, even, doing more than a minimum of practice, unless and until they become pressing for him.

May he truly find peace.

colleen

thanks simon

my son is looking for me to be his councellor.. not that i have a problem with im seeking help elsewhere...nor do i have a prob with assisting him.. but at this point in time he is digging for
information and wanting to sort thro this on his own.. via myself.
i or him and i are not always in agreement with western "self help" there is always a set up
i find.. (follow this way and you will be cured).. and then of course diappointment comes when
you havent been able to follow or grasp the golden rules or steps they want to sell you. alot of
it is that way anyway.
i was more looking for a good read, or good book.. or eastern thought material that we could
chew on together..
maybe my query was to brief. i should have specified more details..
thanks. i will not dismiss any replys!
they are all valued as i feel mindful goodwill was applied..
thanks again

Simonthepilgrim

I do understand where you are both coming from, Colleen. My own son Jack, when much younger than your boy, was offered counselling when his mother died. He gave his counsellor a really hard time because he wanted to work it through with me.

The hardest part is that I, too, was involved in the same grief process. Holding each other and sharing our tears was probably the best thing we did. 'Heady' stuff wasn't much use at all. The big turning-point for both of us came when we went to India together. We were probably enjoying a bit of denial (it was 18 months after Chris died) until we sat down with HHDL and he turned to Jack and asked (first question): "When did your mother pass?" BANG! Right on the button.

Your problem may be that you have your own agenda around your ex and it could get a bit tangled with his. But, if you take care, and find space for yourself to process what is going on, we are best cared for by those who love us.

I also agree entirely with you about the "do-this-and-all-will-be-well" schools. Well-being is a long haul, not a quick fix. This is why I stress the importance of the person we talk to. I have found support and space to explore with strange people, many of whom were entirely "unqualified" (whatever that may mean): their true qualification was their humanity.

Our ex-partners can be a real pain. My first wife, from whom I was divorced over 20 years ago, is still saying and doing nasty things, trying to set our sons against me. It has got worse since our first grandchild was born as she wants to separate me from him. What she has not understood is that her words and actions are more and more counter-productive.

Suggesting a book is difficult because I'm not sure precisely where you both want to end up. Obviously, someone like Thich Nhat Hanh or Jack Kornfeld writes wonderfully and helps us organise ourselves and our own lives. When it comes to understanding other people and their strange behaviours, I have found novels more useful. Being who I am, Dickens and Dostoevsky have taught me lots but they are very wordy and out of fashion. One of the best books about family relationships must surely be Steinbeck's East of Eden.

I continue to hold you both in my thoughts.

colleen

wow!! i had to read and reread your heartful reply.. thankyou!
i did end up writing him a long email.. on some tips.. emptiness articals i read online were benefical.
i wil take your advice on "strange ppl" lol.. i like that.. yes isnt that the way... ppl pop into our lives for
different reasons.. i try so hard not to bash his dad.. i dont really.. but i call a spade a spade. and the
rejection is obvious.. he has reached out to his dad on more then one occasion.. and his dad holds againest him a fight they had along time ago.. and really his dad dosnt even no who his son really is.
it was always a control thing .. and my forgiving son never wanted to go there.. he never stooped to his level.. anyway.. we will heal. again i thank you. its sad that our xs have made these choices.. they
miss so so much. maybe next time around they will "get it"..

and heck!! HHDL.. wow.. that must have been a moment of honor.. iv seen him twice in toronto.. but to have had that personal touch with him is awesome.. how special for jack.. i must ask .. is jack a buddhist now?? lol
warm hugs my friend.. and ty again..

Knitwitch

I really feel for you Colleen and I can't offer any deep wisdom. The only lesson I would teach your son is that uplifting messages and help can come from the most unusual and unexpected source if you only keep your eyes and ears open - a chance line from a play on the radio, a song, a situation on the tv .... we get guidance whenever we are open to it.

My own father died when I was a very little girl and I know how awful that was - I can only imagine how dreadful it must be for your son, knowing that effectively his father is dead to him but still living. What a rejection.

My brightest blessings to you both.