detachment

Bradv93

Hey
So, in Buddhism we are suppose to become detached from earthly desires and emotions, right? If this is so, then do buddhists cry when a loved one dies? Do they get excited about stuff? I know this might sound stupid, but I'd really like to know!
-Thanks
-Brad

federica

The Dalai Lama wept buckets when his brother died.

It's perfectly ok to feel emotions, and permit those feelings to manifest honestly and fully.
What we mean by 'detachment' is not harbouring, prolonging or nurturing those emotions, to the point that they affect our thinking, speaking and behaviour adversely.
It's fine to feel sad, happy, stressed, unsure.... But you have to realise that these emotions are fabrications of your thinking, and insubstantial, so you have to also prepare to let them surface, manifest, remain for as long as is reasonable, then let them go.
This does not imply you must forget people. But it does mean you should not cling to them.....

Anger is the worst one. it's really difficult to get rid of that sonofa..... but you have to.
Eventually!

I hope this is helpful, Brad.
You ask some really cool questions!
How are things at home for you?

fivebells

"Detached" is a confusing term for what happens. It has connotations of emotional deadness, which are very misleading. It's generally used to point at the following results of Buddhist practice:

1. A tendency to experience the emotion as part of the entire field of awareness. So for instance, when angry, there is a diminished tendency to focus on the object of anger, the physical sensations of anger, and the story leading to the anger, and an increased tendency to attend to every aspect of experience, whether related to the anger or not.
2. A reduced tendency to try to "hold on" to an emotional state as a way of bolstering some concept of one's self. So for instance, someone might feel that they should be angry in certain circumstances, because they need it to protect their rights, property, and respect in their community. This kind of imperative tends to fade with practice.

When practice goes off track, it can decay into detachment into the sense of emotional deadness, but that is something to be avoided. The usual remedy in that situation is cultivation of compassion.

Bradv93

Thanks Federica! That's good to know! Everythings fine at home...I asked the question (and this'll seem really silly) because my dog is having some health problems and it jus got me thinking about death and stuff. I've been wondering if I should tell my parents about wanting to become buddhist, but I kinda think I should wait a bit.

Bradv93

Thanks too fivebells!

fivebells

No problem. Sorry to hear about your dog. I hope he gets better.

DhammaDhatu

Hi Brad

When a loved one dies, a Buddhist may feel sad because the arising of feelings are often beyond one's control. Even fully enlightened beings experience feelings.

Feelings are the sense of pleasure & displeasure, comfort & discomfort or agreeability & disagreeability that arise from sense experience. (Feelings are not mental states such as greed, lust, emotional love, hatred, anger, confusion, fear, etc. These are something different.)

Whilst all Buddhists do not practise in the same way, in Theravada Buddhism, reflection upon death is an important practice. The Buddha said:

There are these five facts that one should reflect on often, whether one is a woman or a man, lay or ordained. Which five?

'I am subject to aging, have I gone beyond aging?'

'I am subject to illness, have I gone beyond illness?'

'I am subject to death, have I gone beyond death?'

'I will grow different, separate from all that is dear and appealing to me.'

'I am the owner of my actions, heir to my actions, born of my actions, related to my actions & have my actions as my arbitrator. Whatever I do, for good or for evil, to that will I fall heir.' (AN 5.57)


Monks, mindfulness of death — when developed & pursued — is of great fruit & great benefit. It gains a footing in the Deathless [Nirvana], has the Deathless as its final end. (AN 6.20)

So a person who has practised Buddhism in the manner above, may still feel some sadness when a loved one dies but they will have the wisdom to understand impermanence & death. This wisdom will end suffering.

To feel sad, care, gratitude or appreciation is not necessarily suffering. Suffering comes from craving, attachment and non-acceptance.

Best wishes

DDhatu

Bradv93

Thanks