How would karma treat this?

karmagal · May 2009

I was dating a man for a year and a half. We talked a lot about establishing a life together after his divorce which he started when he met me (he was separated 3 years when I met him). I used his computer one day to check my own email, but his came up automatically (we both use the same service). I saw romantic emails sent from a woman discussing buying property and growing old together. I immediately questioned him. He said it was an ex-g/f he had reunited with at an event months earlier who was very wealthy and he had just gotten caught up in the idea of her money. Needless to say... I was livid. He promised me it was over and he really loved me and wanted to reconcile with me. We worked at our "reconciliation" for 4 months. It was very rough in part because I discovered he had contacted her again at one point.

Around the 5th month of our reconciling, he said he wanted to take a break from seeing me and wasn't sure if it would be permanent. I remembered from one of the emails the other woman was planning to visit with his sister (who lives in the next state) the next month. I put two and two together: she had made commitments previous to their reuniting that involved travelling the world.. that's why they were always talking about "in the future". I figured he was now terminating our relationship because she was available again.

He had asked me numerous times to keep what happened just between the two of us. Just before he dumped me I went to his house unannounced one night and overheard a phone conversation he was having with his brother's girlfriend. He was lying about our situation and making it appear the relationship with the other woman had just been a one-month email flirtation and I was such a jealous, possessive monster that I couldn't get past it and he needed to break it off with me. I called another friend of his the next day (a friend's girlfriend) and found out he had talked to her also about the situation and lied.

The last time he asked me to keep what happened between just the two of us I said: "So you haven't talked to anyone else about it?" "No." he said with a very convincing tone. "Well that's interesting" I said, "because I talked with (____) the other day and she said you talked to her about it and what she relayed wasn't true". "Well you have to take what she says with a grain of salt", he said. I told him "If you continue to lie about what happened and use me as a scapegoat I will forward out all the emails you and (the other woman) exchanged to everyone I can think of that I can find an email address for."

Granted he didn't seem to lie to others after that.. just said things didnt' work out. But I am still pissed off and rather haunted that he lied and it has bothered me and maybe even hurt more. I discovered a while ago I still know his email password. He had given it to me one day when he was on the phone and I was at his computer and he needed to see if he received a particular email. I am thinking of sending the following email to him and then forwarding it to a few select people (that I know he lied to) from his own account that. I am doing this in part because I've discovered he is pulling similar stuff with new women in his life.

NOTE: I ended up contacting and befriending the other woman he was cheating on me with and she and I kicked him to the curb together which pissed him off because he lost the chance to grow old with a lot of money.

This is the email I am thinking of sending him and forwarding from his own account and deleting the forwarded emails after. I think they ppl he lied to deserve to know the truth and the new women he is messing with should get a glimpse of what he really is before he devistates them:
___________________________
Hi Dave,

I was cleaning out my emails and thought you might like the ones you, Tina and I exchanged last year that I forwarded since you said you deleted your copies. It appears your plan all along was to keep me around only until Tina was available again. That would explain why you told me it would be over between us if I contacted her once I found out what was going on... and why you wanted a "break" last summer at least until after your vacation the same week she would have been here visiting your sister and weeks after you called her again... and why Tina sent me the email she did a few weeks before her visit asking me to not let you out of my sight and that you were conveying different things to all three of us, etc... and why you've lied to just about everyone (ie, claimed it was a one-month email flirtation I just couldn't get over even though you terminated all contact).

It also explains why you kept asking me to keep what happened just between the two of us, particularly just before you broke things off with me and had already discussed it with others fallaciously and why you abruptly terminated our relationship once I told you I had been in contact with Tina. I can still hardly believe you told me "you just don't trust me" on the way back from your family's at Thanksgiving when I said I was concerned you were interested in someone else, then you saw Tina in person a few hours later... let alone all the other times you told me my feelings were all in my head and from my own insecurities. I wouldn't be surprised if (his best friend)'s accusations about you going after (his girlfriend) were true also.

I'm glad I contacted Tina.. we share very similar sentiments about you. Thanks for leading me on with comments about establishing a life together for voer a year... and even while carrying on the same with Tina. You might want to look up "gaslighting" BTW… a symptom of borderline personality/narcissism. Let me know how that approach continues to work for you.

Leslie

fivebells · May 2009

I'm sorry he put you through this. In a way he's done you a favor. Imagine if you hadn't discovered his capacity for deceit and disrespect until much later.

Just forget about him. If he's carrying on like that, everybody will know he's a snake soon enough. And there are plenty of honest, respectful men to relate to instead. In the hunt for one, you might find Be Your Own Dating Service to be a helpful guide.

Karma is the effect of an action, both on the mental landscape and on the environment. It's not a judicial force meting out justice. So if you took the action you're contemplating, you wouldn't face punishment by it, but it would shape your mind. Even if exposing him with the intent to hurt him somehow made you feel better (unlikely), it would bolster your tendency to respond to hurt by hurting back, and deepen your disconnection with those around you. And if it didn't make you feel better, what would be the point? If you can find other women who are getting involved with him romantically, you would do them a favor by telling them this story, but if you did it to hurt him, with them as the mere justification, that would harm your mind. It's very hard to approach that kind of thing with the necessary honesty.

karmagal · May 2009

That book looks GREAT, fivebells! Thanks!

federica · May 2009

Kamma is accrued through Intention, and Volitional Action.

I appreciate that your intention is to protect others, but byandlarge, your intention contains a motivation of a revenge of sorts.

Really, you need to consider the Eightfold path, and decide whether your intentions are wholly skillful, partially skillful or Un-skillful.

Nobody can make this decision for you.
But question your motives and your intention carefully.

I wish you well.

karmagal · May 2009

I guess the reason I want to send the email, and to others, is because I am still angry and traumatized and still wake up in the middle of the night.

I know one of the ppl he lied to believed what he was saying (that it was just a one month email flirtation I coudln't get over) and said something along the lines of "she doesn't sound stable" or "sounds like she's got issues"... this really pissed me off. So he made me the scapegoat so he could walk away looking like he did nothing wrong. Ironically, this is how he presented his ex-wife, which I found out it was because of actions on his part that almost pushed her to the edge (ie, he said she was overly-jealous and caused the demise of the marriage -- really it was his flirtations if not affairs).

I feel like I've been gagged and left for dead in the desert and like I won't be free of this until other ppl know the truth. God only knows what he told his ex-wife about why we broke up, but I'd bet big $ he didn't mention anything about his cheating. She thought we were going to get married according to what he was telling her.

The guy is a snake and yes, I suppose it is partly my anger dricving me to wanting to expose him.

fivebells · May 2009

It's terrific that you can be so honest about that.

federica · May 2009

Yes, fivebells, I agree.....

Karmagal. I think actually what you might like to consider is the 'burning coal' issue......

Is he making his own Kamma? Oh, you bet your sweet bippy.

The fact is, you know the truth.
You know he's a spinner of tales and a twister of words.

On the one hand, it may do a great deal of good to expose him in this way. It could plant big questions in other peoples' minds....
On the other hand, is there a possibility those infatuated with him will read your words with disdain and think: "Huh! sour grapes!"...?
You see, nothing is ever completely Black and White.

Ultimately, the only mental, verbal and physical actions we have any true control over - are our own.

And by harbouring emotions of Anger, Resentment, revenge and hostility, we are fabricating negative Kamma with every thought of that ilk, that arises.
That's where it all starts. With what you're thinking.

Getting Angry with somebody is like grasping a flaming coal in our hand, to throw it at them.
We may well miss the mark.
And we've badly burned ourselves first, in the effort......

My personal opinion would be to recognise this anger as a putrid ball of tangled, oozy nasty string, pack it into a nuclear-explosion-proof box, and let some visualised 'angel' transport it away from you.

In other words, let it go.

fivebells · May 2009

federica wrote: »

Yes, fivebells, I agree....

Thanks, federica

federica wrote: »

My personal opinion would be to recognise this anger as a putrid ball of tangled, oozy nasty string, pack it into a nuclear-explosion-proof box, and let some visualised 'angel' transport it away from you.

In other words, let it go.

It's important to maintain a clear distinction between the methods of the practice and the results. The capacity to do what you're suggesting develops from meditation practice, it's not something everybody can just do. If that were possible, everyone would just do it. Many people try to do something like what you're describing without adequate preliminary training, and it just ends up as a form of repression.

The standard meditation suggestion for anger is cultivation of metta.

federica · May 2009

Again, I agree....
But sometimes, perhaps a quick visualisation can be an adequate sticking plaster, until the nurse does the stitches......

Karmagal, I think whatever the methods used, the best thing in this case would be to address your own emotions and their negative influences upon you, rather than trying to effect a drastic solution "out there" fuelled by Anger and Resentment.....

I wish you well.

(We really could do with a *Namaste* emoticon, here......!):)

karmagal · May 2009

federica wrote: »

Yes, fivebells, I agree.....

On the one hand, it may do a great deal of good to expose him in this way. It could plant big questions in other peoples' minds....
On the other hand, is there a possibility those infatuated with him will read your words with disdain and think: "Huh! sour grapes!"...?

If you mean they wouldn't believe my words... I have a hard time thinking they wouldn't since the email would be forwarded from his own account.

I understand it might be best to just release/let go this anger, but I am having such a hard time with it... esp knowing I could send out this email. Sometimes I think the universe has allowed me to remember his password so I can expose him.

fivebells · May 2009

It's also worth noting that the precise action you're contemplating, comandeering his account for this purpose, is illegal and leaves you open to a law suit. And unless you know what you're doing, it could probably be traced back to you.

Simonthepilgrim · May 2009

Karmagal,

You have a chance to 'heap coals of fire' on his head.

Let him know that you have remembered his password, advise him to change it asap because you can't necessarily guarantee to keep it secret any longer. You save yourself from unskillful action and, at the same time, take the moral high ground.

fivebells · May 2009

Great idea!

karmagal · May 2009

You don't think that maybe the universe let me remember his password so as to expose him about what he did to me... and what he's doing to the other new women in his life (ie, I could forward the emails that would expose how he's cheating on them too).

BTW... one of the women apparently went into an institution months into their relationship because of some incident that happened. I coudln't piece it toegtehr well enough to know what happened... but sounds like she had some kind of a breakdown.

fivebells · May 2009

You should definitely forget about using his account for the purpose. It will only be borrowing trouble.

nomad · May 2009

karmagal wrote: »

You don't think that maybe the universe let me remember his password so as to expose him about what he did to me... and what he's doing to the other new women in his life (ie, I could forward the emails that would expose how he's cheating on them too).

BTW... one of the women apparently went into an institution months into their relationship because of some incident that happened. I coudln't piece it toegtehr well enough to know what happened... but sounds like she had some kind of a breakdown.

federica · May 2009

karmagal wrote: »

You don't think that maybe the universe let me remember his password so as to expose him about what he did to me... and what he's doing to the other new women in his life (ie, I could forward the emails that would expose how he's cheating on them too).

BTW... one of the women apparently went into an institution months into their relationship because of some incident that happened. I coudln't piece it toegtehr well enough to know what happened... but sounds like she had some kind of a breakdown.

It sounds a lot to me like you are hoping to hear some kind of approval from us, thereby giving you a moral 'green light' to proceed.

Karmagal: forget it.
It's not going to happen.

And even if we did approve it and give you the "go ahead" you think your kamma would take a blind bit of notice of that?

You actions are your actions. And no amount of "You go gurl!" will alter the fact that your volitional action will create negative kamma for you.

(Quite apart from the legal implications rightly pointed out to you.)

Simonthepilgrim · May 2009

karmagal wrote: »

You don't think that maybe the universe let me remember his password so as to expose him about what he did to me... and what he's doing to the other new women in his life (ie, I could forward the emails that would expose how he's cheating on them too).

.....................

No, Karmagal. This is superstitious, self-justifying nonsense and, once you have recovered your equilibrium, you will realise it.

Cut the tie that binds you to this person. Take hold of your life and live.

Brigid · May 2009

It's times like these that make me extra proud to call the people here my friends. Wise advice indeed.

Karmagal,

Please allow the wise and compassionate advice given here to penetrate your heart and mind. All good will come from following this advice.

Palzang · May 2009

Karmagal, I would suggest reversing your attitude on this one. This person is actually your teacher, and you should show gratitude to him. You have to realize that whenever you encounter a bad situation like this it is because you yourself have created the causes for it. If you had not, it wouldn't be happening. When you learn this simple fact, then the whole world will take on quite a different tone. Of course, not having anyone or anything to blame for your problems can be very scary and uncomfortable, but believe me, it's the only way to fly because once you understand how karma works, then you will truly be in charge of your life.

Palzang

Suzanne52 · May 2009

I think the most painful thing, is to be betrayed by someone you thought loved you. But to want him or her to suffer will only create more suffering. To want to protect innocent people from being used and hurt the way you were, is to maybe rob them of a lifes' lesson that perhaps they too must learn.

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