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Crush!
Hi Friends,
For the first time in oh, ages! I find myself having a crush. On a guy, younger than me. A nice, sane, popular good looking guy. So far so good.
Now I think I'm not far off being asked on a date (yay!) and I'm thinking I really don't want this to turn into a relationship.
Let me explain myself. You're probably thinking "why think about that already just go on a date" but the truth is, everytime I have a crush, it starts off all wonderful and then I get really into them and end up having a full-blown relationship and what can only be described as major attachment issues.
Nowadays, having left my ex last October and having learnt through my therapy training to satisfy my own needs as t'wer, I'm finding I don't feel a want or need for a one-on-one relationship. I find myself thinking "what for?"
Frankly, all I can see myself wanting from this person is a commited friendship and sex. To be frank. Not commitment or attachment but not superficial either.
Is it reasonable to expect this from someone - or does everyone have as an aim being in a couple and being an 'item' as my parents would say?
I just never want to be in a couple with the 'where've you been?' 'What did you say that for?' 'I know what you're thinking' etc type claustrophobia. I have never felt mentally freer and spiritually more connected and I am not going to give that up.
But I'm worried that a kind of 'friends with benefits' scenario is unrealistic hedonism on my part. AND I don't want to pass for some kind of tart who puts it about or ask for the unsatisfiable and end up treating someone badly. I've never done that before and don't want to start now.
I'm pretty intense as a person and before this starts I want to get things clear in my mind.
Make sense?
For the first time in oh, ages! I find myself having a crush. On a guy, younger than me. A nice, sane, popular good looking guy. So far so good.
Now I think I'm not far off being asked on a date (yay!) and I'm thinking I really don't want this to turn into a relationship.
Let me explain myself. You're probably thinking "why think about that already just go on a date" but the truth is, everytime I have a crush, it starts off all wonderful and then I get really into them and end up having a full-blown relationship and what can only be described as major attachment issues.
Nowadays, having left my ex last October and having learnt through my therapy training to satisfy my own needs as t'wer, I'm finding I don't feel a want or need for a one-on-one relationship. I find myself thinking "what for?"
Frankly, all I can see myself wanting from this person is a commited friendship and sex. To be frank. Not commitment or attachment but not superficial either.
Is it reasonable to expect this from someone - or does everyone have as an aim being in a couple and being an 'item' as my parents would say?
I just never want to be in a couple with the 'where've you been?' 'What did you say that for?' 'I know what you're thinking' etc type claustrophobia. I have never felt mentally freer and spiritually more connected and I am not going to give that up.
But I'm worried that a kind of 'friends with benefits' scenario is unrealistic hedonism on my part. AND I don't want to pass for some kind of tart who puts it about or ask for the unsatisfiable and end up treating someone badly. I've never done that before and don't want to start now.
I'm pretty intense as a person and before this starts I want to get things clear in my mind.
Make sense?
0
Comments
And no....
I sometimes think that if we begin anything with "What if...." and "Yes, but....." we've already shot ourselves in the foot.
I think HHDL said that in many ways, laypersons have a tougher time of following the dhamma, than the ordained.
Because whilst monks and nuns have a pretty firm set of guidelines they KNOW they must adhere to, as committed practitioners of the dhamma - 'real life' (ie, life lived with and among non-dhamma followers) is fraught with millions of variables....
In shying away from the possibility of a helter-skelter. roller-coaster experience of a relationship, you may be doing yourself a disservice....
If all you want is a friendship and sex' relationship, you could do worse than find a FWB.
But from what I can gather, this too is fraught with problems.... there's the situation of The Third precept to consider. Is sex with somebody 'free to do his own thang' with someone else, skilful?
And emotionally, how would you begin to digest matters, if your feelings deepen for him? You can't guarantee they wouldn't....A FWB is just as complex as a one-on-one commitment.
If you are concerned about entering into a relationship, then I can only advise two courses of action:
Either - Don't. Stay single and celibate,
or -
Nurture a committed, caring, loving considerate and enjoyable relationship.
With everything that a relationship entails.
But communicate.
Be open.
Relationships are supported by a Tripod of three conditional inputs:
Trust
Communication
Respect.
If any one of these is not up to par, the other two cannot support the relationship.
It takes Effort and Commitment from both parties, in equal measures.
You'll soon find out if it's working.
But why deny yourself the joy of doing that?
Well I love my friends and this guy is someone I would want as a friend - the difference being that I am very attracted to him physically too... So that's how I came up with FWB.
I keep being told by people that 'when the right one comes along' I'll want the monogamous thang again but I think I threw myself into them in the past because I craved the polar opposite.
And even if my feelings deepened - well why would/ should that lead to me wanting to have him to myself as it were. Y'know. That's attachment surely and where there's attachment in my life I stop seeing clearly.
It's not that I don't want the whole rollercoaster thing. I always loved that. I just think it doesn't lead anywhere but to more of a rollercoaster so it's counterproductive.
I want honesty and integrity, fun and physical expresions of the attraction I feel. What I don't want is knowing every single thing about the guy, him thinking he knows me more than I know myself and becoming a merge of two individuals when two individuals are far more interesting.
I suppose we will remain friends after we hook up. A few states' worth of distance between us will help seal the deal. I can't say what it would be like if we started hanging out as friends. It's probably better this way.
If not more so. As soon as sex comes into it, then feelings of attachment will follow (unless it's a one night stand). Imagine, if after a while as a FWB you found out he was also seeing someone else.
Intellectually, you'd think "why shouldn't he"? emotionally you'd be gutted. Chances are, after a few great times together, you'd start getting attached - it's human nature.
Still, you're only human and however it pans out, I wish you well. It's all honey off a razor's edge, but it's sweet nonetheless.
And hey, for some people that can actually be a turn on; ( "Tell me what you did with that guy last night, I want to hear about it!" )
Feelings change.
What could well start out as a FWB relationship can evolve, more quickly than you'd imagine.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
That's excellent
I have to say my idea of FwB is not actually yours - although that's not denigrating your way of doing things at all.
You sound to me like you got your fingers burned and don't want the hassle.
Well, I got my fingers burned too then had a good cathartic while to get over that specific incident and alongside that my views on love and attachment have changed mainly owing to my understanding of attachment, psychosynthesis psychotherapy and developing my inner resources in order to be emotionally and physically self-sufficient. I feel fab!
I nourish myself now on all sorts of exchanges I have with people. Strangers, family, friends, etc.
To be romantic love is very nice but I'm not looking for it and when it comes along then I'll see it for what it is.
I have lovely friends who I mainly see one-to-one and most of them have the qualities I like in a person (frankly the vast majority I wouldn't say no to - lol) and those friendships are wonderful. But I miss sex and if I was getting that with people I care for it would be FwB.
I guess though, this is unconventional and therefore I'd get peeved with everyone leaving me to set up home as people invariably want to do.
The thing is I have confidence, I'm self-sufficient, I like myself and like a great deal of other people too. If I want to take it further with some of them because the moment is right and I feel for them etc. (or simply I find them attractive) I want to go for it and live more fully.
I still like romantic stuff and love and relationships. I just don't want to buy into the system of couples anymore. I don't think (at 31 and after having steady relationships since the age of 14) that it's for me.
I've never felt so good in my own skin and if anything I'm less cynical than I've ever been about relationships and truly 'get' men and women more than I did. That's precisely why I don't want to be tied down to 'la vie a deux'.
Also I find other people more attractive when they're themselves and I've never wanted a partner to be 'exclusive' to me. I hate the thought of restricting them.
It's not cos you like butterflies that you want them dead and pasted into a scrapbook, if you get my meaning
Anyone that has spent any length of time in relationships realizes that just about anyone is a pain in the ass after you know them for 9 or 10 years. The limbic part of the relationship dies down to a dull roar after a couple or three years. What it takes for the relationship to endure is genuine concern, caring and affection for your partner combined with a shared endeavour. If dharma practice is that endeavour, all the better.
Not meaning to rain on any parade-- I am quite sure I couldn't anyway. Just cultivating greater concern for one's prospective partner than oneself is enough, I think. If you go into any relationship with the resolve *not to harm*, it goes a long way. I think that at some point in these "open" relationships, someone usually gets hurt however. Of course YMMV.
Best of luck!
Namgyal
Young man and I are seeing each other but on the basis of genuine friendship. I have focused on his needs and what I can do to make him feel good - so was instrumental in his getting his new job which he says he loves. I feel good I did this for him because a job is mental stimulation, new friends, money and security and playing a part in helping him achieve this is better than sex anyway.
For my part I have been open as to why I don't drink - me growing up around too much alcohol and also my buddhist practice encouraging me to keep a clear mind and not get inebriated - and I admit I was scared I'd pass as some boring, overly self-controlled misfit.
But then I decided I didn't care and my practice is worth more to me than anything or anyone and certainly more than what anyone might think of me!
So the result is a real friendship that's building and phsical attraction. Without clinging, needing and checking up.
Some might say this is the beginning of any normal relationship but having never experienced one - and one based on real foundations - then for me this is pretty monumental.
Just being yourself really is my recipe for living now and how very liberating that is!