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Maybe it's silly, but of course it is not...
Hello to you all, out there,
I just registered, and I don't even know which link brought me here, but I am glad I found this.
The following is not so much a question as it is a story, and I will try to keep it as short as possible.
I have been a Buddhist (or so I thought) for over 20 years (depends on when I set the point in my history when I actually "started Buddhism"). I was mainly involved with the organization that Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche started, now called "Shambhala" and led by his son, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche.
Now, I know that Trungpa Rinpoche was controversial (not to me, though), but that's not what I want to talk about. I left Shambhala about three years ago and I have been floating in mid-air somehow, ever since.
The main problem seems to be that even after all that time I have never been able to establish any kind of meditation routine, i.e. regular practice, and in fact for quite a while I have stopped practice altogether. I now it would be good for me, but I just can't do it, or so I tell myself.
This is not about "you can meditate in different ways", I know you can, but that's not my point.
My point seems to be that I would like to follow these teachings (and I know them pretty well, by now) but seem to completely unable to do so. I tried different teachers, different approaches, but it always boils down to getting back into the rut of old, ingrained habits, the oldest one, obviously, being NOT to change any of them, or in others words: not to meditate.
I am not expecting "answers", but please feel free to throw in your five or ten cents or however much you have to share. That's why I wrote this lamento in the first place.
Cheers to you all
Norbu (I am using this name, meaning "jewel" not because I think I'm that precious, but rather because it sounds a lot like my actual first name...)
I just registered, and I don't even know which link brought me here, but I am glad I found this.
The following is not so much a question as it is a story, and I will try to keep it as short as possible.
I have been a Buddhist (or so I thought) for over 20 years (depends on when I set the point in my history when I actually "started Buddhism"). I was mainly involved with the organization that Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche started, now called "Shambhala" and led by his son, Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche.
Now, I know that Trungpa Rinpoche was controversial (not to me, though), but that's not what I want to talk about. I left Shambhala about three years ago and I have been floating in mid-air somehow, ever since.
The main problem seems to be that even after all that time I have never been able to establish any kind of meditation routine, i.e. regular practice, and in fact for quite a while I have stopped practice altogether. I now it would be good for me, but I just can't do it, or so I tell myself.
This is not about "you can meditate in different ways", I know you can, but that's not my point.
My point seems to be that I would like to follow these teachings (and I know them pretty well, by now) but seem to completely unable to do so. I tried different teachers, different approaches, but it always boils down to getting back into the rut of old, ingrained habits, the oldest one, obviously, being NOT to change any of them, or in others words: not to meditate.
I am not expecting "answers", but please feel free to throw in your five or ten cents or however much you have to share. That's why I wrote this lamento in the first place.
Cheers to you all
Norbu (I am using this name, meaning "jewel" not because I think I'm that precious, but rather because it sounds a lot like my actual first name...)
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Comments
Hi Norbu,
It's just because you don't really want to do it. Simple.
You are finding better things to do with your time I guess.
Namaste
No, sorry, but it's NOT as simple as that. Nice try, though.
(Is there some slight derision, anger, sarcasm, irony in your response?)
Thanks, anyway...
No Sir. I did wonder if it may come across like that but honestly there's none of those. I'm not a holier than thou type - more a chilled out sort.
Welcome on board btw
So, why isn't it as simple as that? Spill da beanz cobber.
Why not actually allocate a period of time each day and then say to yourself that you're definately going to use that time for your practice -then do it. If you're determined to do it and set yourself that daily task , it will be possible not to get diverted with other things.
Kind wishes,
Dazzle
This makes sense to me. What you said reminds me of depression, when your down low enough you remember what you used to do, you just don't really remember why. The tendancy in depression is to forget the very physical feeling reasons why it was good for you.
Maybe just meditate now and not worry about if your later self is going to? ease the pressure on you're self, all you can do is what you can do now.
I could be way off, but hope it all works out for you!
Reflections on the Path
Others above have offered some wise comments also.
@srivijaya: I did not actually believe that you were trying to be sarcastic or hurting, just wanted to make sure. If your first comment was honest, then it actually bears a valuable message: not wanting to do it. Of course, there is a strong tendency within me of not wanting to meditate, but then, if there were nothing else, if there were no wish to DO it, no wish for liberation, why would I bother to think about it at all?
That is part of the long answer why things are more complicated. You know, it's like you are too lazy to take a shower for, well, two or three days. It may have happened to you or not. But then you take the shower and you feel so good and fresh that you are unable to understand what took you so long. It's that kind of problem. And thanks for the welcome, you chilled-out type..
@Dazzle: I have tried that again and again, but somehow I always manage to defeat or outsmart myself; it usually works for a few days and then something else takes over.
@jinzang: Yes, you hit the nail on the head, if one can say that. It's a "should" versus "want" problem. And I will certainly take part in the discussion and use whatever inspiration I can find.
@Kikujiro: Your reply is great. It actually provided some insight for me, the bit were you talked about depression allowing us to remember what we did but now why. That is a very useful and deep insight!
@Floating-Abu: Thank you for those kind and very relevant, insightful words. I will try to follow your blog, and sometimes I think I should start (or restart) my own, just in order to have something that reminds me of sitting. You know, almost like a promise: If you read my blog every day I will sit every day before I make a new entry. That kind of thing. But not to worry: Nobody has to take an oath here to read my ravings...
Thank you all. Maybe I have found a good place to talk about all this, to share those thoughts, a cyber-sangha as it were... :cool:
And I wanted to share that smile by my teacher with you, Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche, that photo was taken early in the seventies, not too long after his arrival in North America... please enjoy,... I am attaching that picture, not sure how that will appear in the thread, but knowing him, I am sure it will appear....:)
Hi Norbu,
Good points. Now you know I'm not being nasty please permit me to make a few more outrageously offensive comments.
What kind of meditative system do you follow? 20 years at the foot of a master and no motivation seems to suggest that results have not been forthcoming. I say this, as it was my own experience. I knew all the "stuff" but I was never shown how... it was mainly visualisation, devotion and so on.
I drifted off over time, still fond of the practice but yeah, perhaps thinking I'd somehow missed the point or not put enough into it. I now know this wasn't the case and that I'd lacked the kind of instruction I needed for the stage I was at.
You could be in a catch 22 situation; some very advanced stuff under your belt but missing the key to unlock them. I personally don't think you are lazy, just demotivated which is understandable.
Okay, so now I've really shot my mouth off. Feel free to put me right.
Servus
kris
Yes, sure, those are the best, once some mutual understanding is established.
Well, curiously it's more like the other way round. I regard Chögyam Trungpa Rinpoche as my root guru, so obviously Tibetan Buddhism, more specifically Kagyü and Nyingma and something else, the "Shambhala Lineage", based on Termas that so far only Trungpa and his lineage hold.
But you see: I never spent time with that man, only saw him once (or rather: three times in the course of one weekend, in December of 1985), but that DID change my life. And then I jumped into the path that was laid out by him, he died soon after I had seen him (more specifically in April of 1987), and somehow, since then, things were never quite the same. His Regent died too, three years later (of AIDS, and allegedly he knowingly infected someone else, because he refused to use condoms, a very nasty story that did not particularly help my path of devotion either). And after receiving Vajrayana transmissions and Ngöndro instructions from that Regent in 1988 (he died in 1990, as I said) I came back home, fell into a black hole of depression, got stuck forever in that Ngöndro, and that's where I still am.
You know, meditation weekends and longer, residential programs usually worked for me. But nothing seems to work at home, nothing at all. At least not in the long run, although I confess that I did sit today, for half an hour.
Well, I had some good instruction, but I agree: Maybe the instruction was never good enough, never at the very level where I needed it.
Well, yes, I do have some transmissions to practice pretty advanced Vajrayana things (even apart from that Ngöndro, there is a lot of other stuff going on), but somehow I feel that I cannot even get one visualisation right...
Well, let's get this straight: I am both. I am certainly somewhat demotivated, or I could say: overwhelmed. But there are others aspects too, one of them being that I AM very lazy. Believe me.
No need, I appreciate your thoughts. By the way: Did YOU find a solution to your problem?
@Kenny:
Well, not quite. I have the same problem with intellectual study of the teachings that I have with practicing them. But thank you anyway.
Palzang