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Buddhist Advice On Bullies/Cruel People
Hi everyone 
,
I am new to this site but have felt affiliated with the Buddhist path for many years now.
I suppose I would like advice on how to deal with a soul who is a member of my family but continually verbally attacks me in public on a social networking site. If I were to delete this person from my contacts it would cause grave trouble within the family yet I am feeling inner anger towards this person and would love to delete her!
She has today been especially defamatory and has accused me of being a liar about something (which I am certainly not) She is not the sort of person one can reason with either - confronting her is not an option really.
What would be the Buddhist view of dealing with this? How can I regain my inner peace and not be affected by this person's hostility towards me? Granted I find I am learning how to have faith in myself and stand up for myself but when even the rest of my family attack me for standing up to her, saying I should know she is trying to provoke me, how must I proceed? I am alone with very little support.
Thank you xxxx
,I am new to this site but have felt affiliated with the Buddhist path for many years now.
I suppose I would like advice on how to deal with a soul who is a member of my family but continually verbally attacks me in public on a social networking site. If I were to delete this person from my contacts it would cause grave trouble within the family yet I am feeling inner anger towards this person and would love to delete her!
She has today been especially defamatory and has accused me of being a liar about something (which I am certainly not) She is not the sort of person one can reason with either - confronting her is not an option really.
What would be the Buddhist view of dealing with this? How can I regain my inner peace and not be affected by this person's hostility towards me? Granted I find I am learning how to have faith in myself and stand up for myself but when even the rest of my family attack me for standing up to her, saying I should know she is trying to provoke me, how must I proceed? I am alone with very little support.
Thank you xxxx
0
Comments
I'm no stranger to bullies and problems with siblings (I'm assuming
But I have to add... be careful who your calling a bully!!! Because according to my former overly protective catholic middle school, I'm a bully! So I'm just saying be aware of the situation because it might be you that is being overly sensative. (I dont think thats your case but i think the topic must be raised)
As for the problems at home, its hard to make peace by creating separation. So if you truly want to resolve things, try to offer a "truce" and move on. If all elce fails, remove yourself from the situation and let them be a channel of negativity on there own.
Hope I helped a little
Responding well is your best (only?) way of dealing with situations like this. I can't tell you what that response is, but I can tell you that meditation is a great way of calming and focusing your mind which is a key component to responding well in all situations.
You must have the inner strength to not be hurt by their verbal or emotional attacks. Defusing an attack without inflicting hurt back upon the attacker is the acme of responding well.
Easy, right?
Thanks for your helpful replies! Thanks for the link fivebells!
I've responded to her attacks everytime without being hurtful back. I've also tried to ignore her this week gearhead but she is becoming more venomous.
But you know, this cousin (and her mother who helps her fight her battles & has physically threatened me before now) are frankly psychotic Lincoln. They are not reasonable people - something as stupid as being deleted on a social website truly would set them off even though they are to blame for it! Over the years her mother has caused problems in the family at the drop of a hat and it seems her daughter is following suit now.
The only thing I can do really as far as I can see is refuse to respond to her, continue to gather my most supportive friends around me and meditate for inner peace & strength. xxxxxx
And now that i'v cooled down, I see that silence is the biggest comeback to brash actions. Just let them peeter out and then cut them out of your day. Do nothing nice for them, (or do if you can be that good a person... I can't at the moment) and they will get there's. And I think the site, including myself would be happy to continue to help you
Trust in the teachings of Buddha and meditation!
I think you may be making more of the grave trouble than it really would be. If I make be so bold, what form would this grave trouble take? And if it were so grave, would it not look ridiculous in the face of the action it is responding to?
And if it really isn't in all honesty, all that grave, then could you live with that outcome? These are some straightforward questions that need to be asked, because the answers might set you free from your torment.
Because at the end of the day if you can't even delete someone from your electronic social network... you do indeed have a problem.
You've already received some great advice so I'll only add a small suggestion.
The situation you've described clearly leaves you with very few options. In my humble opinion the only thing you can do is ignore the bully as best you can while reminding yourself that her poison is hers and you have an obligation to yourself not to let her poison you too.
I don't know which social networking site you're on so I'll use the example of Facebook. On Facebook there are options to turn off the comments and notifications like status updates etc. of any 'friend' without having to actually delete them from you Friends list. Only you will know you can no longer see her contributions.
I hope you can get some peace soon.
After I posted on here last time, one of my friends stepped into defend me online and there ensued a debate where my cousin was being incredibly stubborn and nasty and not prepared to listen to anyone elses point of view but her own. Another cousin of ours also put in that she wasn't impressed with her behaviour.
I just checked my contacts list now and guess what - my offending relation has removed herself, along with the other cousin who criticised her haha!!
So it seems I have peace at last, far more quickly than I imagined!!
Love and light to you all xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I am delighting in the fact that this situation will teach her something about herself, that whatever suffering she experiences will somehow make her think twice before inflicting it on another next time because she was completely out of order.
We can't really avoid focusing on the faults of another if they are directly affecting us unprovoked. I only see the faults in another & have to deal with them if they are used against me, otherwise I see every being as a potential friend, I bear no malice towards anybody. I still don't bear any malice towards her - I would forgive her immediately if she wished to return.
Thank you for mentioning the concept though, it is certainly something to practice in our everyday interactions, but I don't feel we can avoid focusing when another forces their fault(s) upon us in attack. xxxx
<o></o>
Sorry for the lengthy reply but, it seemed needed to express my intended message from my previous post. Absolutely nothing can be gained other than suffering by focusing on others faults. You need to be truthful with yourself and ask why feel you can’t help it. Could it be a sense of pride, ego, self? I do not know, this is only a question you can answer but, I do know it’s and answer you should seek none the less. Thank you for your time, and good luck on your journey.
I always try to remember that people who lash out in any way - verbal or physical are in pain... as hard as it may be - i try to feel compassion for them and their suffering... and to remember how i feel when i am suffering...
I also try to remember my own endless faults... and daily look to Buddha and his teachings as a reminder of my true goal in this life and the many others that will come after it...
I see Karma in action constantly with my mother... she is always sick, or suffering physically and mentally in some way.. with a cupboard full of pills to take daily and almost constant physical pain...
It requires constant checking on my part not to look at my mothers suffering and feel smug... to say '' see thats karma for the way youve treated me''... but doing that would make me no better than her...
the best advice i can give with bullies who seek you out for attack no matter what is this
1 ) do NOTHING...unless you fear physically for your life.. do nothing... i read that once '' the attacker must vanquish - the defender merely survive'' - it means that it requires far more energy on the part of the person who attacks you - then it does from you who only has to survive the attack...
my mother can scream and shout and rant for hours... i used to shout back - enraged at the lies she was saying... now i realise that if i do nothing... if i dont look at her, talk to her or engage with her in any way eventually shell run out of steam and stop... no one can fight for ever... all need to rest.
and the next morning - it is my mother who is tired, and short of voice ... i may also feel bad for the things she has said to me - but at least i havent been drained or consumed by anger...and the conflict was diffused...
2 ) As people here have already wisely said... concentrate on your own practice and inner developement so that you can benefit all living beings... I read also that '' a wise man walks with his head bowed, humble like the dust to all ''...
find your own peace, meditate daily , chant , read, whatever helps...
try to dispel your sense of ego... remember also that it is YOU who allows others to cause you pain... words and bullying only hurt because you are attached to yourself, to your body, because you have a sense of ego or pride that certain things should not be said to you...
so what if this person calls you a liar ? think - what is the worst that can happen... perhaps you may loose some friends... and then you will know that those people were not true friends in the first place...
perhaps you may loose some standing in your community, or circle of friends... perhaps people will call you bad names... but these are really all just small things...
im not saying its ok to abuse people - but if you humble yourself, bend low and allow such words or actions to wash over you instead of trying to face them head on - their ability to hurt you will be less....
does that make sense... ???
im probably rambling - but this in my experience is the best tactic... try also to learn a lesson from everything... turn a bad thing into a good thing... use it to better yourself- pray that the people attacking you will feel the effects of karma so that they can become better people in the future... its not easy but it will be worth it in the end...
Some of us have got it, some of us are getting it, some of us will get it, and some of us will get nothing at all.
Different stages on the learning curve, I guess...
And that's OK, isn't it?
Of course,<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <u5:WordDocument> <u5:View>Normal</u5:View> <u5:Zoom>0</u5:Zoom> <u5:PunctuationKerning/> <u5:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <u5:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</u5:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <u5:IgnoreMixedContent>false</u5:IgnoreMixedContent> <u5:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</u5:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <u5:Compatibility> <u5:BreakWrappedTables/> <u5:SnapToGridInCell/> <u5:WrapTextWithPunct/> <u5:UseAsianBreakRules/> <u5:DontGrowAutofit/> </u5:Compatibility> <u5:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</u5:BrowserLevel> </u5:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <u6:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </u6:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--> I never said otherwise as far as I am aware but, one would debate that it would be wise to promote proper understanding as long as the recipient is willing to listen such as Sophia has shown she is. Examples and suggestions harm none. So why the question as if you might disapprove with the . . .? Just trying to help in any way i may, that's all.<o></o>
Not disapproving.....
....But one never knows how 'new buddhist' a newbuddhist' member is, so it's as well to give the benefit of the doubt.
I appreciate your lesson, and it's a valid one.....truly it is....but I know it took me a l-o-o-o-o-ng time to 'get it' and in the meantime, I benefitted from a lot of encouragement, which I think is more important and supportive than something that might, by some, be interpreted as 'censure'....
All comments are valuable and instructive, without exception, no matter what they say.
It's all a help along the Path.
<link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5Ckmh%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> My apologies, I completely took what you said out of context it seems. You make an extremely valid point, thank you.
Thank you for almost making me pee laughing.
What can I say - I had a long vacation from Buddha. Now I'm back.
too long- did not read
I think you and I have something in common in that we've been targets for family members to bully and harass as well as to be lied about.
In my case it was my sister (I'll call her Sally) who died in Oct. 2007 but her actions are still having repercussions in my life. She was a very sick person, an alcoholic, who lied for years about me to anyone who would listen and was sometimes very convincing. She would tell people that I was doing any number of horrible things when in fact it was she herself who was doing those things. It was a bizarre game for her but it created an enormous amount of suffering for me for years. To this day my oldest sister, (I'll call her Julia) with whom I'm becoming close for the first time in my life, and I are having to unwind all sorts of vicious lies Sally told her about me which is painful because it means Julia, with whom I didn't have much contact over the years, believed the lies and thought of me in those horrible ways.
Sally told these lies to high school teachers of mine, neighbours, people in my own circle of friends, my parents and the rest of my family, her husband and sons (my nephews with whom I used to be very close and did most of the babysitting for), employers, co-workers. You name it. It was like a campaign. I still never know what anyone who knew her actually thinks of me. I never know if my false reputation precedes me.
One of the most difficult aspects of this whole thing was the willingness of some people to believe these things of me. I'm only learning lately that I must have been disliked quite a lot by some people but I never knew it.
Julia and I were talking about this just the other day and I learned of more lies Sally told that I never knew about. Julia also thinks there was someone in my circle of friends, people I've known and loved since I was 12, that betrayed me to Sally, someone who resented me and gave Sally information that she could twist around to use against me.
The thing that struck me the most however, was that during this conversation a few days ago with Julia I didn't freak out upon hearing these new lies. They didn't feel like punches to the gut. In fact, they didn't even sting. Some of them even struck me as funny. Pre-Buddhism this would not have been my reaction. A few years ago I would have had a major meltdown because my ego was so unhealthy, fragile and imbalanced.
While Julia was telling me these things I remembered a line from that email that was making the rounds a while back. It was good advice from an old woman and one of things she is supposed to have said is that what other people think of her is none of her business. So I just kept shrugging my shoulders and telling myself, "Oh well. I don't have any control over what people want to believe about me and besides, it's none of my business!"
And it really isn't. It's their business. My business is really only concerned with what I think and do. Then I remembered that great line in the St. Francis of Assisi poem (not written by him but inspired by him) in which he prays not to seek to be loved so much as to love. That line has always helped me.
I know what kind of person I am and even if that picture isn't always pretty I'm okay with that because I'm working on it. There may be repercussions from Sally's lies but only once in a while, not on a daily basis, and they don't hurt me like they once did. I can handle them.
But just because I'm making some headway doesn't mean I have the whole thing out my system. Developing a balanced and healthy ego is still a very early work in progress for me.
Which isn't even to mention how much work I still have to do forgiving Sally and finding a way to understand, respect, love and empathize with her especially since she's no longer here. I can certainly thank her for being the teacher or catalyst for a lot of learning and practice for me and I do feel such deep sorrow for her at times for the way she lived and the way she chose to die. She must have hated herself a great deal and she must have suffered in ways I can't even imagine. Thinking of the pain she must have carried with her through her terribly short life makes mine feel pretty insignificant.
So I just wanted you to know that you're not totally alone and that I do understand some of what you must be feeling. It's a difficult, painful position to be in but don't despair. There are ways through it and I know you'll find them.
What an amazing story of growth and compassion. Thank you so much for sharing that.
Les
Try a week of metta meditation focusing on yourself. For a period of maybe thirty minutes each day, in addition to or as an alternative to your existing meditation practice, try using the following as "mantras" to rest you mind on:
- May I have unconditional friendship* towards myself.
- May I be free from anger. May I be free from resentment. May I be free from hatred.**
- May I be a truly loving being.
- May I learn to think, speak and act in a way that leads to fundamental well-being.
- May I be healthy and strong.
- May I be safe from external danger. May I be safe from internal danger.***
- May I be unafraid to be who I am.
- May I trust myself to act constructively.
* "Unconditional friendship" is the translation of metta Pema Chodron uses, as well as Rupert Gethin. I've found it a very good way of expressing what metta really is. Alternatively, you might use "unconditional kindness." The "unconditional" is important, however. It teaches you that, no matter how difficult your circumstances, lovingkindness towards yourself is always a possibility.
** This is actually an adaptation of the classical aspiration for compassion ("May I be free from suffering and the cause of suffering.") In Buddhism, anger, resentment and hatred are considered suffering because they rage against what reality presents to us.
*** "Internal danger" refers to destructive mind states that distract us from the peace that s available to us in every moment.
I have dealt with some very hurtful people, but after cultivating self-metta, I find their behavior doesn't really offend me anymore. Notice what happens internally when you're angry about what someone has done to you. Usually there is a subtle undercurrent of self-aggression: i.e., getting angry at your anger, or fearful of your fear. Once you've established some quality of friendship towards yourself, it's much easier to notice that, let go of the anger, and do what needs to be done. In most cases, simply removing yourself the presence of this person is enough. In other cases, you may need to assert yourself in a more direct way (look online for tips on assertiveness training).
Even though this is Sophia's thread and your advice was meant for her, I don't think she'll mind if I use it too. Thanks again.
Its really all about breaking the cycle - i think thats the overall message... if you retaliate in anger against lies or angry words and actions - you only continue the cycle...
If you return that anger and hurt with kindness - hard as it may be - you break the cycle ....
As i think i said before ... remember also that '' the agressor must vanquish- the defender merely survive '' = eventually the one doing the attacking will burn themselves out - because it takes so much more energy to attack than defend - does that make sense....
be quite and humble and peacefull as much as you can and the situation will resolve itself ....
Brigid, I had a very similar experience to you and your sister with my father. At the time I didn't love myself enough to have the strength of character to love him. I was subconsciously convinced that I was somehow flawed, which perpetuated the hurt and negative karma.
Channah, I love that quote ('' the agressor must vanquish- the defender merely survive ''); I've definitely learned to choose my battles wisely, and to fight them wisely. Another quote I like is by Aristotle: "Any diot can get angry. That is easy. But to get angry at the right person, in the right amount, at the right time, for the right reason... that is not easy."
Another way to think of such situations is when we're angry/jealous/resentful/etc. we are in "selfing" mode; our experience of ourselves contracts into a very limited definition. We become protective of ourselves - a self that does not need our protection - trying to defend a certain concept of ourselves in our own mind. Metta subverts this tendency for me; by essentially saying "Whoever or whatever you are in there, I love you just as you are", I can relax. There's no need to defend a self-concept anymore.