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New Member/Intro & question
I found your forum a couple of days ago. I did some lurking & reading of past posts for a while. I must say I like the way you ALL interact with those of us that are new & searching for answers to some of the things we don't quite understand yet. I found a more Welcoming & Warm feeling here. For that I say Thank You.
Like a lot of you I don't have any friends or places around me that are like minded. Since I started studying Buddhism I was seeing everything so different from everyone else. Like my eyes just all the sudden opened up!!! Buddhism just made sense. And I did apply it to my life daily. Some how I'm able to handle some of my life's troubles better...Sorry...Ranting a bit...
Now for my question:: Your Thought or View...
Buddhism teaches us to be compassionate and to help others in need. BUT!!! What dose Buddhism say when the person or persons you are trying to help WILL NOT help themselves. They just keep doing the same things that got them where their at over & over again. Now wanting you to do everything for them. Where do you draw the line? (can you tell I'm having a little problem with this..lol..) Kind of feeling like it's pulling off my path a little bit.
Any thought or view would be great.. Thanks
Like a lot of you I don't have any friends or places around me that are like minded. Since I started studying Buddhism I was seeing everything so different from everyone else. Like my eyes just all the sudden opened up!!! Buddhism just made sense. And I did apply it to my life daily. Some how I'm able to handle some of my life's troubles better...Sorry...Ranting a bit...
Now for my question:: Your Thought or View...
Buddhism teaches us to be compassionate and to help others in need. BUT!!! What dose Buddhism say when the person or persons you are trying to help WILL NOT help themselves. They just keep doing the same things that got them where their at over & over again. Now wanting you to do everything for them. Where do you draw the line? (can you tell I'm having a little problem with this..lol..) Kind of feeling like it's pulling off my path a little bit.
Any thought or view would be great.. Thanks
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Comments
Practice equanimity and move on.
Focusing on that, if it comes to the point where the person thinks you are responsible for them its better to walk away. Behaving like a 'savior' will only reinforce a possible codependency pattern that will harm you and the other person.
Where do you draw the line? The fact that you are posing this question might imply that you are not very sure what to do and are looking for approval from external sources. This might be a problem as well, as in low self-esteem, just something you might reflect on.
Try this: think whether or not you would have the guts to ask someone to do the same for you. If the answer is negative, it most likely crosses the boundaries of common sense and its time to stop helping. The other person might not like it but stay adamant, their problems are their responsibility. They should be grateful you helped and not hurt.
Part of the Buddhist view means agreeing with the fact that life isn't always peachy. You are in the human realm: subject to suffering, to impermanence. Also we learn by suffering too, and perhaps that is just what the other person needs: a reality check.
This family member was looking for us to take responsiblity & was becoming too depended on us. I pretty much had already backed away. Just couldn't stand to watch what they were doing to themself. But at times I was pondering on whether I was doing the right thing. And yes I was kind of looking for approval that what I was feeling was okay. I got to admit that I was getting angery at times. I didn't like feeling that way. I had been trying to get past those feelings of anger & frustration.
Buddhism teaches to have equinimity.
Equinimity comes from the Buddhist word 'upeka', which has the linguistic root 'to look at'.
So we can only keep an eye on our friend until the opportunity arises for us to help them help themselves.
Until then, we have equimity, which includes the recollection: "All beings are the owners of their actions".
In other words, you must impart upon the other the responsibility to help themself.
Primarily, their problems are their responsibility and not yours.
Kind regards
Through the last year or so I do help. When I know the help is needed. I'm still learning and growing myself.
I am from the Nying ma traditition which encompasses the Buddhist teaching from Theravada all the way up to Dzogchen.
I hope to be ordained in the Way and become the future lineage holder of the Nying ma pas and spread the Dharma throughout hundreds of lands, benefitting countless millions of beings just as the Buddha and the famous bodhisattvas.
Always with joy, love, compassion and detachment and vipashyana.
And in this way repay the great kindness of all Buddhas.
Welcome to the board. I hope you find it as warm, friendly, and useful as I have.
You've already received the best answers to your question so I won't gild the lily.
Lovely to meet you!
Lovely to meet you and welcome to the board.
Thanks, Brigid or should I say "Old friend".
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Brigid-- I've had a chance the last couple of days to read some of your past posts and I must say reading them has been sooo insightful. You have a great gift in the way you write and answer. I look forward to hearing you and everyone else here as I have many things to ask and hear views on. It's going to be nice to have somewhere to come vent and learn. I needed this.
THANK YOU
I felt the same way when I first came looking for like minded people. I was studying and practicing alone which is not at all a problem because I like doing things by myself. I used to go to movies and rock concerts alone and I loved having dinner in a restaurant alone. I'm not really a loner, I love to socialize. But I enjoy my alone time.
But when I really began to get into Buddhism I started to feel the need for some kind of community I could communicate with, ask questions of, and from whom I could receive support and encouragement as I stumbled along. Luckily I Googled something like 'new buddhists' and found this forum and for the last 3 years it has been the one constant I have come to rely on in my everyday life. I can say with complete honesty that I love my friends here. I'm full of gratitude for the ways they've helped and supported me and for how much they've taught me over the years.
You asked in your original post, "What dose Buddhism say when the person or persons you are trying to help WILL NOT help themselves(?)" A very good question and one I've asked myself a few times too. You've already received the best answers and despite what I said earlier I will make a small contribution. In my view, a good way to deal with a person who has become dependent upon you is to gradually detach from them while pointing out resources they can use and skills they can learn to be able to manage life on their own. We do no one any favours by allowing them to stay helpless and dependent. We suffer from their constant demands and needs and they suffer as much or more with lack of confidence in themselves and fear that they will not be able to handle life's challenges. It's a case of 'Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime,' sort of thing.
Welcome again to the forum, rider. Just out of curiosity, why did you choose that screen name? I like it and it's easy to remember.
I'm a motorcycle rider. I'm one of those nuts that ride's year round & I love it. 34yrs. on the road now. For a long time I use to refur to myself as a biker.(ATTITUDE TOO) But when I started to see life differently I found myself changing. Now I'm just a "Rider". I guess that means I'm not COOL anymore...LOL... Still wondering who I am. Surrrre do feel different...
Thanks for the advice. I'm begining to see that I really did know the answer or should I say felt it but since I've started this new path in life I just needed to hear it. I've made sooo many mistakes in life I'm just trying to change that "karma" of mine. You know "don't want to mess up anymore". It's been small steps coming my way, but they are coming.