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Buddhism about death of loved ones
Hi,
it is my first post in here.
My grandmother is dying.I live abroad and cant be near, but my mother quit her job and already for 2 years is near her bed. Oh, thjis situation is so hard, I dont know where to start.
My grandmum is old and she was ill all her life, now one by one all internal organs stopping to work. She is in pain all the time, her mind is not clear, she sees things, she does not recognize my mum. Basically she is torturing my mum who devoted all her time and energy caring about grandma. My mum started to have problems with her heart from stress...I dont know how to react: from one side I truly love my grandma, but I feel in my undermind I am just waiting her to die and for us all to have normal stress free life..I feel so guilty about that. I know that buddhist have different perception of death, please hellp me to incorporate it into my life..
it is my first post in here.
My grandmother is dying.I live abroad and cant be near, but my mother quit her job and already for 2 years is near her bed. Oh, thjis situation is so hard, I dont know where to start.
My grandmum is old and she was ill all her life, now one by one all internal organs stopping to work. She is in pain all the time, her mind is not clear, she sees things, she does not recognize my mum. Basically she is torturing my mum who devoted all her time and energy caring about grandma. My mum started to have problems with her heart from stress...I dont know how to react: from one side I truly love my grandma, but I feel in my undermind I am just waiting her to die and for us all to have normal stress free life..I feel so guilty about that. I know that buddhist have different perception of death, please hellp me to incorporate it into my life..
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Comments
It seems you are feeling shame because of the guilt that is present in your accepting of the inevitable. You have come to understand your grandmother is going to die, but it is difficult for you to see death as the gift it really is. A gift not only for your grandmother in these circumstances, but for all of us, even the healthy.
One way I have been able to think about death and come to acceptance, is to look at it as a choice. If given the choice between having your grandmother in your life and experience this pain, or not knowing your grandmother ever, and not experiencing the pain and guilt of her loss, what would you choose?
If you can accept and welcome the suffering that both you and your grandmother is experiencing, and dedicate it in honor of your grandmother, it will give you a powerful way of finding solace at a very difficult time.
I offer this in that same spirit. I dedicate it to your grandmother knowing she is about to reach a threshold.
I am sure there will be much more capable support for you here.
Namaste
Namaste
You can be.
I don't think anyone intentionally intends to cause suffering to others when they are dying.
It is at this time in the future, more than any other, that we too will be at our most vunerable and afraid.
Generating positive thoughts of loving kindness to those less fortunate than us is always beneficial for self and others.
I hope your grandmother dies peacefully without too much pain and distress.
Kind regards,
Dazzle
Your thoughts are natural and your concerns about your mother valid. Your mother herself is not coping and she is becoming sick. This is not good.
The truth is dying loved ones place great stress upon care givers and the dying people themselves are suffering so much pain. This is why the Buddha said death is dukkha.
Dukkha means 'difficult to bear'. When human beings are not well practised in Buddhism, death is difficult to bear. However, when human beings are well practised in Buddhism and have wisdom, death is easier to bear.
Regarding your feelings of guilt, these are not necessary because inevitable death is a relief and rest, for both the dying and the care givers.
Even the Buddha himself when he was dying experience great physical pain and sought relief from the debilitating pain. The Buddha's disciples asked him to live longer because the Buddha had special mental powers and could have maintained his life longer if he decided. Instead, as the Buddha had taught everything necessary, he decided to relinquish his life and let his body die a natural death. The Buddha said: The Buddha said here, only when his mind was plunged into deep meditation, he had comfort. However, for him to live in deep meditation had no purpose because he was a teacher.
So Buddhism has different practices regarding death, dependent on what one decides to choose.
Some Buddhists believe in rebirth and practise here involved making wishes, offering and dedications so the dying can have a favourable rebirth. One prays and wishes and gives gifts wishing: "May grandmother have a pleasant & lovely rebirth".
Other Buddhists believe in impermanence, that it is the nature of all things to arise and pass; that it cannot be any other way. The scriptures say: So to end, I can see you truely love your grandma. This I do not doubt. It is not necessary for you to be guilty because you wish for your grandma, your mother and your family to have some peace from the very difficult & anguishing suffering.
The first step is to acknowledge with wisdom the dying process is difficult to bear or dukkha. The second step is learning to make peace & acceptance with the dying process by either believing there is rebirth or by simply understanding death inevitably comes to all things.
Kind regards
DDhatu
I do believe in rebirth, but she does not. My grandma does not believe in any god ,hence not having any comfort now.
Mom was a Christian, but I don't think it gave her much comfort at the end. Her mind wasn't working well enough to turn to God for help.
I really just wanted to let you know that I've been in a situation similar to yours, and I know how you feel.
In Buddhism ageing, sickness, disabilities and loss
are not seen as things to fear and despise, but as
devadutas or ‘heavenly messengers’. This word
devaduta is a Pàli word; duta means a messenger of
some sort, deva is ‘angelic’ or ‘heavenly’; so they’re
heavenly messengers sent to warn us. A Christian
asked me once if we had angels in Buddhism. “We
have angels in Christianity; all kinds of white and
beautiful beings that play harps; they’re very radiant,
light beings.” I replied, “Well, Buddhist angels are not
that way. They’re old age, sickness and death!” The
fourth devaduta is the samana (contemplative), the
human being who is having the spiritual realisations.
But when I look at my own life, incredible challenges
have come to me that have shaken me, have really
upset me, disappointed me to the point where I have
contemplated suicide — “I just want to get this over
with. I don’t want to spend more and more years in
this realm. I can’t take it.” But awakening to that, I
realised that I’m quite willing to take what life presents
and to learn from it.
Rather than fear sensitivity, really open to it: be fully
sensitive rather than trying to protect yourself endlessly
from possible pain or misfortune.
I encourage you to contemplate what birth into
this world is, rather than to judge it according to any
ideals or ideas that you might have. This is called the
state of awakened awareness. To “wake up” means to
know the world as it is; it’s not judging the world. If we
have ideas about how the world should be, then the
way it is often seen through our critical mind is “It
shouldn’t be...”. (Ajahn Sumedho)
With Metta
They may not be "Buddhist", but they are more awakened to Reality(Dhamma) than many practising Buddhist.