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Giving up attachment with people

NotherCyclistNotherCyclist
edited October 2009 in Buddhism Basics
Hi. First post on this seemingly nice forum community.

I have a friend and we're really close, but I encounter him a little more often than he would like.

In Buddhism for Beginners, T. Chodron talks briefly about breaking attachment with people so you don't have unhealthy expectations about them.

How can I do this, to maintain a healthy relationship giving him the space he needs?

Comments

  • kennykenny Explorer
    edited October 2009
    Attachments are a result of our incorrect view of the world. When it comes to other people the attachments are likely from expectations. Expectations are our delusional way of looking at people. Say for instance, when we first get in a relationship, ourselves plus the other person involved often act differently in order to give a good impression. The problem arises when we take that impression and build upon it as if it were the truth of who the person is. So after awhile when the person starts acting like themselves they are going against that delusional impression/expectation that we have of them and therefore it creates suffering. There is also the attachment of thinking the other person belongs to us. That is my girlfriend/boyfriend, my wife/husband, and etc. When in reality they belong to no one and choose to be with us. But because of this improper thinking on our behalf we become jealous and clingy and experience suffering yet again.
    <o></o>
    Many confuse attachment for love simply because they seem to come around at the same time. However, they are completely different and once you can see the truth of things, the attachments will vanish and love will begin to truly bloom. Just realize that they are the same as you, they are subject to change and they will do as they wish regardless of what you rather them do. Stop placing your expectations on them and soon the suffering shall cease. I hope this helps, best of luck.

    -kenny
  • federicafederica Seeker of the clear blue sky... Its better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt Moderator
    edited October 2009
    To put it simply, loving someone isn't wrong. But as with anything we have to form a healthy relationship with people, rather than one hung up with agendas, and dependency.
    The famous line "if you love someone, let them go" pretty much sums it up, albeit very simplistically.

    Loving someone unconditionally, means being able to appraise them in the same way you should perceive a day-lily.
    It comes, it stays, it goes.

    And that's ok.

    Why?

    because it's an irrefutable Truth.

    Whatever has a 'beginning' also has an 'end'. Everything passes, and we have to learn to embrace and hold lovingly and wholeheartedly - whilst also knowing that we have to release without hesitation or regret.

    That is loving, without attachment.
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