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Need advice..about life...anger+fear..
Everyone in my life has finally turned their back on me after putting up with my "lazy" behavior for so long... parents not talking to me, i got no respect from friends....I can't blame them.
I'm a drain on these peoples lives... it seriously would be better for them if I was dead. Not joking
better for society and my country too if I was dead...
If I was a samurai I would have stabbed myself already.
That is what I SHOULD DO at this point.
Unless I somehow muster the courage to go out and progress in life...I'm agoraphobic though.. no one knows it.... I pretend to fit in pretty well..but I'm really shy and nervous...even with the simplest human interactions...that's why i've been "lazy" and unemployed for so long...
I gotta fix that somehow in the next week, or else I'll be homeless and in a very bad strategic position to do anything.... so it's basically do or die time...I have only a few days left
I'm a drain on these peoples lives... it seriously would be better for them if I was dead. Not joking
better for society and my country too if I was dead...If I was a samurai I would have stabbed myself already.
That is what I SHOULD DO at this point.
Unless I somehow muster the courage to go out and progress in life...I'm agoraphobic though.. no one knows it.... I pretend to fit in pretty well..but I'm really shy and nervous...even with the simplest human interactions...that's why i've been "lazy" and unemployed for so long...
I gotta fix that somehow in the next week, or else I'll be homeless and in a very bad strategic position to do anything.... so it's basically do or die time...I have only a few days left
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Comments
I just wanted to add, you can go to a local hospital emergency room and let them know how you feel.
They can help with your family too.
Namaste
Here's a talk on self-hate which might help you to put these feelings into perspective.
Try calling a crisis line. I volunteer on one. We are often able to point out local resources to people in your kind of situation.
Good luck! We'll be rooting for you.
(BTW, it's probably the furthest thing from your mind, right now, but these crisis times are absolutely the best time to meditate. "Gain and victory are illusion, defeat and loss are enlightenment.")
*hops down the hole your in to keep you company*
We seem to take it in turns to go off the rails to varying degrees, when I get into a mess about things, it's all too real, it's a huge deal and it needs sorting out and fixing right the hell now. That where you are?
Imperminence bites us in the ass, we grab hold of the change and scream "change back!"
But:
"Hopelessness, just like it's opposite, blind hope, is the result of a belief in permanence" - Dzongsar Jamyang Khyentse
Everybody knows things change, but in panic and despair, the thought is things (situations, moods, thoughts, the way you feel right now) won't change unless you make them.
Apart from that, hold on! You change all the time.
Keep writing here, expression and sharing are seriously important when your head spinning. It really does help. Either that or talk to somebody at the crisis line like fivebells suggested.
Best wishes!
Your self-awareness is growing friend. Step-by-step, this will bear fruits in time, when all is ready for ripening.
Regarding your family & friends, like us here at New Buddhist, they love you. You would cause your family so much suffering if you indulged in the egoism & pride of a samurai.
Just tell your parents you are sorry, you love them, you are stuggling to do your best and to please have compassion & patience for you.
Try to find a Dharma centre, where you can sit with others in a different environment. Just go to the centre and absorb the vibes so your head can clear a little .
All is not lost. Whilst your life needs alot of improvement, please do not make things more serious than they are.
I enjoy your company here & your posts. Most of all, inside, your parents love you.
Please keep growing in self-awareness & the aspiration that naturally arises from that, step-by-step.
Kind regards
DDhatu
I know how you feel. I suffered from suicidal depression for 15 years and battled addiction, unemployment, poverty, loneliness, rejection, self-loathing, and all the exact emotions you are going through.
The Buddha said that existence is sorrow, and if you let it get on top of you, it doesn't go away - it gets worse. That's why the Buddha always said if you are going to act, then DO IT NOW. Don't wait another moment. If you need counselling or prescription medicine for your condition, then seek them out asap! Suicide is not an option; you will reborn in a far worse "strategic position" if you do that, I'm telling you. You may not even be reborn as a human being - you could be a dog or a cat or worse.
Seize the opportunity of a human birth, and don't let it overwhelm you. Stay focused on your objectives but relaxed and easy-going at the same time. Don't stress about everything, but also don't just ignore all your problems - for that would be ignorance which is the mother of sorrow.
Life IS tough - no doubt about it. When we fall in the bottomless pit of despair and hopelessness, feeling sorry for ourselves, and so on, it just gets worse. It's vitally imperative to muster whatever strength and happiness you can wthin you and rise to the challenge. If you achieve even the first objective, then the rest will progressively become easier.
To get to the point where you really want to be, even in the best-case scenario, could well take you the rest of your life - even then you may not achieve all you want in this life. However, if you make the effort, do good deeds, abandon your vices, you will slowly become happy day by day and yor life will bear fruit and if you keep faith in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha, the Three Jewels of Buddhism, and strive to hear the holy teachings of the Buddha, then you can even attain spiritual maturity and liberation in this very life.
Also, you could try reciting a mantra in the morning when you wake up, or before bed, or any time day or night. This is a good one for you to try:
OM MANI PADME HUM.
Pronunciation is as follows:
OM rhymes with HOME
MANI rhymes with MONEY, except the N is nasalized as in "sing"
PADME rhymes with [the darling] BUD[s of] MAY
HUM rhymes with WHOM
It means OM JEWELLED LOTUS HUM
and is the compassion mantra of the mighty Bodhisattva Avalokiteshvara.
Sometimes when life is painful we see clearly the 1st Noble Truth that there is suffering and begin to wake up. You travel a well trodden path.
“An active life serves the purpose of giving man the opportunity to realize values in creative work, while a passive life affords him the opportunity to obtain fulfillment in experiencing beauty, art, or nature.
But there is also purpose in that life which is almost barren of both creation and enjoyment and which admits of but one possibility of high moral behavior: namely, in man’s attitude to his existence, an existence restricted by external forces.
A creative life and a life of enjoyment are banned to him.
Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death.
"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
"We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing a something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering."
"Man does not simply exist but always decides what his existence will be, what he will become in the next moment."
Viktor Frankl Man's Search for Meaning
May you be
free from animosity,
free from oppression,
free from trouble,
and may you look after
yourself with ease!
Talk calmly to your parents and your friends with kindness and friendship and tell them gently that you're doing your best.
See also if there's a way that you can get some help and counselling.
We all care about you here, don't give up.
With kind wishes,
Dazzle
Just want to assure you I'm not a fan of suicide, and never think of that as an option. I wouldn't want to wait another 24 or however many, many years to blend a mind like this again.
What I meant was...kinda more horrible lol, If I was Emperor of the world, and there was a guy like me (a peasant) in my empire, I'd have him do forced labor somewhere, or have him executed..:p
(good thing I'm not emperor of the world yet, hmm?)
I actually got a job interview tomorrow so I'm hopeful and a lot less stressed out because I'm "doing something about it"!
I'm a lot less nervous through a few realizations last night in a many hour meditation... one thing I realized is, everyone who walks in and applies for a job is considered a "noob" by the management there...so I'm not going to be the only noob in canada.. it is likely they have seen much worse nervous noobs than me.. I take comfort in that
Also everyone has their limits, If i get rejected it may not be because of my limits, but theirs too, or mine. whatever I take comfort in and can forgive anything knowing this.
but in conclusion, life with suffering is unsatisfactory...we should do something about THAT now!!!
Glad things are working out
Its great to see all the support that you're getting from the Sangha here, including folks who know exactly what you're going through.
I hope your job interview goes well. I know that it can be a real challenge to present yourself as competent and capable when you're feeling like s**t. So put a smile on your face (basic behaviour therapy - if you have a smile on your face, your soul will start to believe it is happy, since your body already looks like it is. While waiting to be called for the interview, keep the smile gently on your face, breath easily, keep your body relaxed, and repeat to yourself "I can do this....I'll be good at this job...I can do this...I'll be good at this job...."
As suggested by others - please call the local crisis line. Most communities in Canada have them. You will find a friendly, supportive voice on the other end of the line.
Let your parents know that you're having a hard time. Just say this - "Mom, Dad, I apologize for being such a miserable presence the last while. I imagine that I've been hard to live with. Its been hard for me to live with myself as well, but I'm trying my best. Please give me another chance while I try to turn things around.:
Then - more behavioural therapy - remember to put a gentle smile on your face. When you come home say - "Hi, Mom, Dad, I'm glad to be home. How has your day been?" Then don't just go hide out in your room. Force yourself to stick around the kitchen chatting with your Mom and Dad while they make dinner. Offer to help make dinner. Let them know how your interview went. If the interview didn't go well, all the more reason to let them know - they do care about this. Again, admit that you're going through a tough time and could use their help.
It may feel really fake to do/say this at first, but you will be surprised at the response you get. Your folks will decide that maybe you're not such a jerk after all. They may decide that you're OK to have around. Try the same approach with your friends, neighbours, co-workers.
Remember - we care about you and want to know how its going.
Keep us posted.
Pieta
Your parents are just like you, they don't want to be fooled anymore than you. But you and i know that you don't want things to be like this and getting a job to fix it is what your trying to do, all you can do is give them some indication that you are making some effort.
Anybody with insight knows that we all change all the time, nobody can judge you or anybody else for something they have done in the past, because they/you are different in every moment. That doesn't mean we should expect that from other people, but we should be able to forgive ourselves in order to change for the better. Don't take on other peoples judgements as universal, aspecially if they will hinder you from doing the right thing now, by you and them.
I'm sorry you're suffering so and I'm happy for you that you lined up a job interview. Don't worry if you don't get it. Looking for work IS work. It's full time work, too. If you don't get the first job you apply for (who has??) just keep applying for others. If your folks are reasonable people they'll know that a job search is a job, even if it's unpaid.
I'm kind of a whiz at job searches. PM me if you want some input, ideas, resources, contacts etc. Since I'm a fellow Canadian the chances are even better that I'll be able to give you a hand. Use me as a resource, K?
You mentioned that you're shy and really nervous which has contributed to what you feel could be agoraphobia. It could be. It could also be a simple and very common case of social anxiety which is something that is easily treatable. If it's something more complex, that can be dealt with as well.
You may well find that just getting out of the house on your job searches, going on interviews, and generally interacting with different kinds of people will be enough to snap you out of it.
Whatever the case turns out to be, there will always be a way to manage it and thrive while doing so. You've got THE very best resource a human can have; Buddhism. It will always be there to guide you through whatever life can throw at you.
And one last but important point: When you're out at a job interview make sure you remind yourself that although getting the job is the goal, the experience you'll be gaining just from doing the interviews, the skills you'll be developing, will often be more important in the long run than even getting the job. Learning how to interview well is a very rare skill set and job searching is the best school in the world. So part of your job search will be doing research on how to interview well. Use Google, use your provincial gov't resources, use the federal gov't resources (there are classes you can take that train you to interview well), ask people you know who own businesses or hire people for companies what they look for, what your resume should look like etc. Use a video camera to film yourself doing a mock interview then critique it when you play it back and keep doing it until you feel confident.
There are tons and tons of tips and tricks on how to land a job and all those resources are out there just waiting for you. And the best part is that you never know what job might be just around the corner. I love job searching. I find it so exhilarating and exciting and enriching! You learn and develop every step of the way especially when you don't get the job. It's a win win situation no matter how you look at it.
PM me anytime. We'll make a crazy success of your life in no time!
Your friends want to know that you're OK.....