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Anger
I know that harboring anger towards people is unhealthy, and morally reproachable, but, how do you let it go when the people you're angry at have essentially robbed you of your teenage years, which are supposed to be fun, but all you ever felt was sheer misery? The whole thing baffles me. I mean, it's not like I can just let it go. I've tried. I can't. I just don't know what to do about it.
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The thing is, though, that I never got my teenage fun life. All I got was someone telling me I was worthless. I mean, I guess that I just wanted the love more than anything. I sound like a candy*ss right now, but that's the truth. Not so much the "lost years" so to speak, but the lost love. That little thing I never got. Although, I guess I didn't lose it because I didn't have it in the first place. I don't know if that answers what you were asking, but it's the best I got.
I just finished college a while ago and now I am in a bad situation again. That's life. My life is now improving somewhat in some points, but there are some major storm clouds in the horizon already (i.e. a big fight within my family because of money which consists of my only two sisters and the husband of one of them ganging up on intimidating me and threatening to sue me to get alimony for no reason besides the fact that I got my first job. They all work and make more money then I do, so you see how pissed I am - sorry I had to vent) that are keeping me from sleep right now, and the "you-know-what" didn't even hit the fan yet.
Everybody's life is full of ups and downs. Be glad for the things you do have and try to think more of the big picture. Study more of Buddhism, meditate more, it helps.
So you had a crappy teenage life.
So what?
Me too.
Like I give a damn.
You can't reverse the tape and go back and change anything.
None of us can.
The only thing we can do is to spend the Now, making the Now a favourable place to be.
And the way to do that, is to stop hankering after something that never was, because it never will be.
Carl Jung said:
"The Past is over. Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better Past."
You need to forgive - for your own peace of Mind - and move on.
My 2c worth.
Cheers,
Vangelis
Perhaps don't worry too much about not being loved?
It does not stop you from loving, and it seems to be a pretty good route to happiness.
Fivebells, I've never even seen a school guidance counselor, let alone a therapist. Not something that's done in my family. Therapists are for crazies to my family, and my peers. Besides that, there a bit too expensive.
i spent my teenage years ripping my arms to shreds with razor blades or taking overdoses, and i spent a good deal of my 20's mourning the mother that i never really had, dealing with a stress related eating disorder while trying to get my life on track...
it was only two or three years ago that i finally realised that im not the wierd, ugly worthless piece of trash my mother made me out to be... and when i realised that - i got angry that my mother robbed me of a time that should have been spent getting an education and building a career... and instead of a life im left with emotional scarrs that will never eally heal...
believe me - im angry as hell and ive had many hours daydreaming about giving my mother a good hard slap or doing her harm in some way...
letting go isnt easy - im getting there slowly - but i still have days when i cant leave the house - my head is so full of anger and grief i worry i might loose my mind..
the way i do it is to break it down ..to understand what the cause of my anger is..
and usually it comes down to attachment of some kind - or a feeling that i havent met the material needs i think should be mine ...
for instance ..
im mad at my mother because her messing with my head meant i never got a good education..
why is an education important ?
because it leads to a good job
why is a good job important
because it means i can have a nice home and good standard of living
why is that important ?
when i really think about it - it all comes down to having nice things, nice home, clothes , car etc all material possesions... but i know from my experiences in the hindu temple i go to and from the teachings of Buddha that these material things are as temporary as my body and while of course every one has to eat and be clothed - i know my life wont end if i dont have a ferrari or a wardrobe full of armani...
I know all this already - so why im i still angry - because this is what society tells me is a good life - every spiritual teacher in history says other wise .. but society contradicts them..
so now i understand this - its easier to let go of my anger .. but it still takes work and lots of meditation and reading - and there are other points that take much more work..
does that all make sense ?? you have to break your anger down - to get to the root of it - my mother lashes out because she is suffering - so why is it that i have allowed her suffering to become mine? and how can i over come the shadows of my past ...
you get there by reading, learning, understanding, meditating and remembering that this life is just a single step on a very long path... material things fade.. pain too fades if we put things in perspective and understand what is really important...
its not to make less of your pain - but as someone has already said - the past cannot be changed... mourn for your youth if you need to then move on .. concentrate on changing yourself and the future... we are rooted to the past and to our ancestors and it is neccesarry to know and remember it - but we should not live in it ...
i hope thats usefull ?
Start by looking for some similar kind of support from outside the family. If you do join the military (heaven forbid), you shouldn't have any trouble getting access to counselors. But you should consider that the disrespectful treatment you're getting from your brother, you're also going to see a lot of in the military.
The military's gravy. They're not family. And, verrrry not true. You go to a military counselor, you get a psych profile; which leads to being barred from certain jobs and/or promotions and qualifications. Aint havin' that trash.
It's very useful. I've found that it's a great motivation for working out and that, for physical improvement. In fact, anger's probably the best motivator. So, part of me holds on to that anger in order to better myself even though it screws me over (if that makes sense).
In terms of a Buddhist view of it, Buddhism teaches you to have love even for your enemies. In truth, the people who caused you to suffer are also suffering. The Buddha himself, both in his final life as Buddha and in his many lives as a Bodhisattva had to endure much suffering at the hands of ignoramuses and so forth. There is a famous parable about the Rishi (holy sage) Kshantivadin (Preacer of Restraint) who was dismembered, limb by limb, by an angry king. Kshantivadin maintained his composure even as his life ebbed away and held compassionate and loving thoughts towards his attacker.
It is not easy to forgive and let go but remember you are not the only one who suffered. Those people have probably got issues which made them treat you like that, and possibly they have not had the blessing of being able to hear the names of Buddha, Dharma and Sanga and of the noble and loving attitude of bodhisattvas and arhats and buddhas.
Therefore try to summon up thoughts of compassion and love even for your enemies, and pray that they may renounce their wicked ways. That way you empower yourself and it acts as a kind of armour against further suffering.
Anger is not necessarily unhealthy. Like many emotions, anger has a purpose, which is to protect us. When we are angry, often, but not always, something is threatening us or harming us.
Therefore, in your case, your anger sounds warranted. However, you are still a young person, only 19 years old. You, starting from now, have the opportunity to learn about and develop the goodness & kindness you seek. You have alot of time, to develop understanding about why people behave as they do and then grow & evolve beyond that.
For example, regarding families, most people love their families and are indebted to their families in many ways. However, the ways of relating and behaving in many families are unhealthy and even harmful.
When we are young and start to think for ourselves and question, if we are wise, we begin to takes steps towards self-determination. Buddha said: "Self is the protector of self".
Unfortunately for many of us, this is a necessary path in life we must take because our family is not equipped to provide for us all of our human needs.
As an example, you have come here to this chatsite and talked openly about your life. This is a positive step.
You air the behaviours & values you disapprove of regarding your brother & family, which means the contrary are the values you idealise inside. This is your natural wisdom.
As such, one's path of development is to actualize one's values and live by them.
For example, when my mother comes to visit me, she is advised frankly and clearly certain behaviours of hers are not appreciated in my home.
This is both honest communication & self-respect. This each of us must learn to develop. Note: It is a path of learning.
The Buddha said family life requires four skills: (1) honesty; frankness; (2) training; self-improvement; (3) patience; endurance; and (4) generosity; sacrifice.
So, in your case, your natural intelligence and spiritually aspires to a quality of life & relationships better than your parents & family have provided. This is normal, natural & praiseworthy. This is evolution.
The Buddha said regarding children & parents, there are three kinds: (1) children who are less wise & ethical than their parents; (2) children who have the same wisdom & ethics as their parents; and (3) children who are more wise & ethical than their parents.
The impression gained is you are of the later kind. Life is evolution, learning from our parents mistakes and shortcomings (as well as from their good qualities).
Kind regards
DDhatu
When I was a teenager, I always aspired to be different from my parents in many ways.
Kind regards
DDhatu
I know what you mean. Some times i feel really on the edge of loosing it - like there are times when i think that i could happily do members of my family physical harm.. but i know rationally that violance only leads to more violance so to direct my anger in that way would not break the cycle.
I deal with my anger in two ways... first of all i try to learn from every situation where i feel anger... i try to concentrate on what that situation can teach me rather than the unfairness or injustice of it all...
i see anger as a kind of chi - energy - that can be directed and used in a positive way - no matter how negative it begins...
so when i get angry because my mother has got drunk and is ranting at me - i set a strong determination NEVER to be like that, to look at my own faults constantly and to check myself so that i dont exhibit any of her negative behaviour.
i redirect her negative energy and try to turn it into something positive..
second - i use my anger to try to increase my faith. im actually a practising hare krishna devotee so whenever bad situations come up i close my eyes and concentrate on just breathing.. i remember the temple and my friends there and remind myself over and over that i have something good in my life... and i set a strong determination to learn more about my faith, to read more , to associate more with people that live in a good way and bring positivity to my life...
its good that you a directing your feelings into working out- but speaking from experience - when you work out for those reasons you often end up pushing yourself more than you should - and in the end you can end up with injuries .. etc
you should keep the work out for sure - because it will help you to have a healthy mind .. but also you should remember that our bodies are only temporary and that it is our spiritual selves that are eternal..
i personally find chanting mantras on beads really really usefull... its a kind of active meditation that clears my mind and means i cant really think about anything else.. .. i know not everyone is inclined to it - but its worth trying.. you can chant any mantra and the beads are cheap to buy or make ..
you can chant sitting or walking .. and for me it really helps to dispel anger...
lastly - each of us is differant and you have to find the methods that will not only calm you physically but will also calm your mind and spirit...
So, kind of a turn the other cheek deal?
Just because your family views it that way doesn't mean YOU have to. In truth a therapist often just LISTENS, and guides you in working issues out yourself. As for money - I'm not sure where you live but there are quite a few options. Through your work (or if you're with your parents still, through theirs) they often offer coverage on a limited number of sessions. Oftentimes local churches and various other groups offer free counselling (again, limited - and no, there won't be any religious overtones ;] ). Just search Google - there are probably quite a few options in your area.
Yeah. It doesn't help you to do anything else.
Okay. Now the question part. What's Hare Krishna, and what's a chanting mantra?
Yeah, around here it's mostly Southern Baptists... good luck having a conversation without religous tones.
Never thought of it that way. I've always been taught that loving yourself is vain and a bit sinful (lovely baptist family).
One method I often use to diffuse my anger is to try and understand why I get angry and what I can do to improve the situation. Rather than dwell on what happened or what should have happened, I try to focus more on understanding why I feel the way I feel. I often find that after thinking through why I am angry, I am no longer angry. Then, if possible, think about what I can do to improve the situation and do everything I can to prevent it from happening again.
Understanding the Problem
One conclusion I often come to (from observing myself and other around me) is that the anger that arises in us often has its roots in our expectations on how things "should" be. We may think that people should act a certain way, or that things should be done a certain way. When things go the way we want it to, we are happy. But when things don't go the way we want it to, we get angry and fustrated.
As NamelessRiver mentioned, we cannot choose the cards we are dealt; we can only play with the cards we are given. It is a fact of life that the world is not perfect.
People are different. They have different personalities, different experiences, different attitudes and different skills. If a group of people were to face the same situation, we may be quick to judge that some people dealt with the situation very well while while others dealt with the situation very poorly.
Our judgement of who performs well and who performs poorly has its roots in our expectation that everyone should have reacted in what we would consider a "correct" way - often "our" way. Those that perform close to what we consider "correct", we label as performing well. Those that don't perform close to what we consider "correct", we label as performing poorly.
Furthermore, we may even often think along the lines that "...if I were to face the same situation, then I'd do it this way..." Here, we have assumed that "our way" is the "best/correct way" and judge others on how closely they mirror our actions. Sometimes, we just assume that everyone should behave the same way as we do. We forget that people are different.
However, if we were to accept that people are different, then we should also accept that other people will be different from us. Some people may do things in what we would consider "better than us", others may do things "differently to us", and others still may do what we would consider "worse than us". It is a fact of life that we would often encounter people who will do things "worse than us" or simply do things we do not agree with.
In your case, I would offer that your anger arises because you have an expectation that children growing up should have a loving and happy childhood. Unfortunately, this was not the case and you now feel angry and "robbed of your teenage years".
Dealing with the Problem
If you think that there are things you can do to improve the situation with your family, then you should do it. This may be as simple as talking to your parents and family about the matter. Alternatively, you may want to live by example - e.g. if you have younger siblings or other young family and friends, try to be nice to them so that your parents can see how well you treat them. The latter example doesn't really help you recover your lost years, but at least your parents will finally understand what you wanted. Perhaps things can improve from there. I know all of this sounds a little "corny". But sometimes its the small and simple things that can be quite effective.
However, if you think there is nothing you can do to improve the situation and there's no hope of influencing your family to change for the "better", then don't try to change them. Just accept that they are different people and simply "don't get" what you feel or want. You have been unfortunate and have had to deal with a bad childhood. When it's your turn to be the parent, learn from your parents' "mistakes" and try to do your best to give your own children the love and happiness you think they deserve.
Whew - that was a long-winded post. I hope I've helped!
Regards,
V
I've tried the talking thing, and that don't work. And the whole leaving it as it is thing, well, that's not really an option, as I've got a little brother in the mix.
You are in a difficult situation. It seems to me that on one hand, you are still coming to terms with your own upbringing, while on the other hand, you are trying to protect your brother from being treated the same way.
To complicate matters further, it seems to me that you are finding that it is very difficult to communicate the problems to your parents and to encourage them to do anything about it. Is this fair summary?
With regards to your own childhood, I guess I would again suggest that the past has passed and so there is no point dwelling on your own childhood since nothing can be done to change it. Learn from your parents' mistakes and in the future treat your own children with love and give them the happiness they deserve.
With regards to attempting to communicate the problems to your parents and hopefully make them change in time to treat your little brother better, you may need to accept that it may just never happen.
Please don't get me wrong. I am not suggesting that you give up and don't bother. You should continue to try and make them understand what the problems are and how their treatment of you has scarred you. How you go about this will depend on your family situation. As you have mentioned, talking hasn't worked. So perhaps you may need to ramp up the effort. Perhaps involving other family members (e.g. grandparents, uncles and aunties, etc) may help. They can talk to your parents on your behalf as a peer rather than as a son. If things get violent and/or abusive, then maybe involving people external to the family would help.
I would encourage you to try your best to make your parents understand. However, I would be remiss if I do not point out that you should also be prepared to accept that your parents may never change. Some people find it very hard to empathise with others and/or appreciate the influence they have on others. They simply refuse to accept that they did anything "wrong" or "unsatisfactory" and so will not be open to the idea of change. Any efforts you make to help them understand would be quite admirable. But just understand that it will require alot of patience, understanding and motivation on your part as well as theirs. And in the end, despite your
best efforts, things may still never change.
I guess what I am trying to say is try your best to make your parents understand but be prepared that there's a chance that they never will.
Finally, with regards to your little brother, I would suggest that if you can, you should try and give him as "normal" a childhood as possible. Try to spend time with him so that he knows that he has a big brother that loves him and cares for him - even though his own parents may not be as nurturing.
If you can, try to take him out of the house regularly so that he can see the world outside your own house. Perhaps you could take him to the park so that he can see how other families behave around each other. Or join a sports club or something so that he can feel like he belongs to a particular "team" - a family away from his own family.
I'll be the first to admit that I am seriously underqualified to be of any real help to you. I apologise if my responses are unhelpful in your situation. As Fivebells suggested earlier, if your situation is really bad and you feel like you are struggling to cope, it may be helpful to find some sort of support outside of your family.
Regards,
V
Yeah, that pretty much hits it.
It's getting steadily simpler to deal with. Luckily, this girl I know, she's makin' things easier. She's very, very loving. Kind of the proverbial light in the dark.
The way I see it (well, the way she's hammered it out to me), it may just take them time to realize for themselves that they're hurting people, and that all I can do for my little bro is be there when he needs me. And, hey, a normal childhood's out of the question. Long as he knows that the way they're acting is not okay, we're good.