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Buddhism and children
I know some belive that having children leads to attachment,and while I know I have a huge attachment to my children they have also taught me what true compassion is. By trying to cultivate that same commpassion for all sentiet beings I feel that I will move forward on my path much more than the attachment will set me back. Does anyone else have any thoughts on this matter?
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Why be confused? I have come to find out that being attached isn't as important as the "why" of the question. If you are walking this path that is Buddhism you must ask why you are not allowed to be attached. And when I say "ask" I mean "ask yourself" not anyone else.
I think I can put attachment in perspective when it comes to a life partner.
You know that saying that goes... "If you love something, set it free. If it returns - love it forever. If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill ..." wait. I think I have the wrong version of that or something.
Anyway, you know the saying I'm talking about.
Well, I when I think of my significant other - I think about loving her in a positive way. Compassion, trust, love, etc. Now, if I were to think about her with jealousy, lack of trust, anger, hurt, etc. - I think that something is amiss with your association with this person.
And when it comes to significant others - these things can creep in given circumstances with this type of relationship.
But, for some odd reason, these things don't creep up when it comes to my son. We love each other, have a wonderful relationship and I wish nothing but the best for him. I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him - but as for day to day stuff - it's just all good so I don't think the "attachment" thing comes into play.
I think I did go through an "preoccupied" thing with him when my ex and I divorced. My ex was quite angry and did just about everything she could to keep me from my son. I went through son tough times dealing with missing him while going through attorneys and court battles trying to get my visitation enforced - but it was still tough.
But now? Things are good and I don't think about "attachment" when it comes to my son. I love him and wish the best for him.
Michael
I can, however, tell you that to love and raise your children does not have to be an "attachment". Here are some teachings to lay-followers about children.
"In five ways, young householder, a child should minister to his parents as the East:
(i) Having supported me I shall support them,
(ii) I shall do their duties,
(iii) I shall keep the family tradition,
(iv) I shall make myself worthy of my inheritance,
(v) furthermore I shall offer alms in honor of my departed
relatives.
"In five ways, young householder, the parents thus ministered to as the East by their children, show their compassion:
(i) they restrain them from evil,
(ii) they encourage them to do good,
(iii) they train them for a profession,
(iv) they arrange a suitable marriage,
(v) at the proper time they hand over their inheritance to them.
(DN 31)
Mata sutta:
At Savatthi. There the Blessed One said: "From an inconstruable beginning comes transmigration. A beginning point is not evident, though beings hindered by ignorance and fettered by craving are transmigrating & wandering on. A being who has not been your mother at one time in the past is not easy to find... A being who has not been your father... your brother... your sister... your son... your daughter at one time in the past is not easy to find.
"Why is that? From an inconstruable beginning comes transmigration. A beginning point is not evident, though beings hindered by ignorance and fettered by craving are transmigrating & wandering on. Long have you thus experienced stress, experienced pain, experienced loss, swelling the cemeteries -- enough to become disenchanted with all fabricated things, enough to become dispassionate, enough to be released." (SN XV.14-19)
*Note, I do not like the translation od "transmigration" here, but what can you do?*
How should I teach Buddhism to my children? (John Bullitt)
The Buddha's advice to parents is straightforward: help your children become generous, virtuous, responsible, skilled, and self-sufficient adults [see DN 31 and Sn II.4]. Teaching Buddhism to one's children does not mean giving them long lectures about dependent co-arising, or forcing them to memorize the Buddha's lists of the eightfold this, the ten such-and-suches, the seventeen so-and-sos. It simply means giving them the basic skills they'll need in order to find true happiness. The rest will take care of itself.
The single most important lesson parents can convey to their children is that every action has consequences. Each moment presents us with an opportunity, and it is up to us to choose how we want to think, speak, or act. It is these choices that eventually determine our happiness. This is the essence of kamma, the basic law of cause and effect that underlies the Dhamma. It also happens to be the message behind one of the few recorded teachings the Buddha gave to his only child, Rahula.1 This sutta — the Ambalatthikarahulovada Sutta (MN 61) — offers parents some important clues about teaching Dhamma to young children — in terms of both the content of what to teach and the method to use.
In this sutta the Buddha reprimands the seven year old Rahula for telling a small lie. The content of the Buddha's lesson here is clear and simple: it concerns right speech, and helping Rahula keep himself true to the fundamental principles of virtue. There are several noteworthy aspects to the Buddha's method. First, by artfully drawing comparisons to an everyday utensil (in this case, a water dipper), the Buddha makes his point in vivid and age-appropriate language that Rahula can easily understand. Second, the Buddha doesn't launch into a long-winded abstract lecture on the nature of kamma, but instead keeps the lesson focused on the immediate issue at hand: choosing your actions carefully. Third, although the five precepts do indeed constitute the fundamental framework for moral conduct, the Buddha does not mention them here — presumably because some of the precepts (concerning sexuality and using intoxicants) are simply not relevant to most seven year olds. (Perhaps the Buddha had more to say about the precepts by the time Rahula was a teenager.) Fourth, the Buddha keeps Rahula engaged during the lesson by asking him simple questions; this is no dry, soporific lecture. And finally, the Buddha takes advantage of the opportunity presented by this "teaching moment" to expand into deeper territory, to explain to Rahula the importance of reflecting inwardly before, during, and after performing an action of any sort — whether of body, speech, or mind. The Buddha thus places Rahula's original small misdeed into a much broader context, transforming it into a lesson of deep and lasting significance.
Although most of us who are parents can only dream of teaching our children as consciously and effectively as the Buddha did, we can still learn from his example. But before we can translate his example into action, there is one crucial point to recognize: the Buddha's instructions to his son were given by someone who really knew what he was talking about; Rahula's teacher was someone who truly practiced what he preached, a role model par excellence. So the message is clear: if we hope to instruct our children about matters concerning the path of Dhamma, we had better be sure that we ourselves are practicing on that path. If you extol the virtues of skillful qualities such as generosity, truthfulness, and patience, but your children only see you being stingy, overhear you telling lies, or see you losing your temper, then your message will be lost. Of course, you need not have perfected the Dhamma in order to instruct your children, but for your instruction to carry any weight your children must be able to witness firsthand that you are earnestly striving to put these same teachings into practice yourself. And if you can inspire them by your example and give them the skills they need to know to live in tune with the Dhamma, then you've given them a rare gift indeed:
The wise hope for a child
of heightened or similar birth,
not for one
of lowered birth,
a disgrace to the family.
These children in the world,
lay followers,
consummate in virtue, conviction;
generous, free from stinginess,
shine forth in any gathering
like the moon
when freed from a cloud.
(Iti 74)
Im going to print this off and read it daily. Thank you so much Elohim for posting all of the great information on this topic.
I think sometimes there is confusion about the word attachment as it applies to Buddhism. Having great love and compasion for your children is not in my view attachment. The attachment for me lies in my attachment to their life which is impermanent. If they were to die I would be very sad.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Thank you, Mr. Sleestak.