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beginner in trouble
Hi there,
I am really new to Buddhism and I just recently took refuge.
My motivation was that after a tough period in work I rearranged my priorities and changed my way of life. This all happened in March '09. After re-arranging I found out I can be happier, better person, but the thing I cannot deal with is my big ego. So this is why I contacted a local Buddhist center just a month and a half ago.
The person there was a very nice man who recommended couple of great books every beginner should start with, like the life of Milarepa, Story of Guru Rinpoche, Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism, Blazing Splendor. While finishing the last one I had the great chance to take refuge with a great Master. Undoubtedly, this all i owe to the man at my local Buddhist center, who is practicing for more than 15 years now and is obviously very hard working for making it possible to follow Dharma here in a fully traditional Tibetan Buddhism way.
The thing is that after the first gathering with the group at this center, this nice man suddenly changed to me and became really hard on my weaknesses and especially on all my big-ego-related faults. I received a lot of criticism, but all of it was fully deserved by me. I think I totally lost his trust already - again I fully deserved it.
It all started when he decided I lie to him that I've quit smoking. Then with my active participation trying to explain myself, etc. etc. i managed to totally piss him off and he banned me from going to their gatherings. He said I am having false behavior, I am not open and honest, which is completely wrong attitude in Buddhism. I DO agree to him - I am all that. But I want to change.
If he has once said (actually, shouted so he must have meant it!) he doesn't want to work with me anymore, do you think he might want to change his mind eventually in a year or so? I do plan to continue reading and getting ready, but I am not sure I would be accepted back and would ever be trusted...
Could please someone practicing traditional Tibetan Buddhism answer me and maybe give an advice what should I do? This was the last person on earth I wanted to make angry and i was careful, because I have inborn "talent" for pissing people off.
Any hints on fighting own ego are also more than welcome...
Sorry for the long post
I am really new to Buddhism and I just recently took refuge.
My motivation was that after a tough period in work I rearranged my priorities and changed my way of life. This all happened in March '09. After re-arranging I found out I can be happier, better person, but the thing I cannot deal with is my big ego. So this is why I contacted a local Buddhist center just a month and a half ago.
The person there was a very nice man who recommended couple of great books every beginner should start with, like the life of Milarepa, Story of Guru Rinpoche, Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism, Blazing Splendor. While finishing the last one I had the great chance to take refuge with a great Master. Undoubtedly, this all i owe to the man at my local Buddhist center, who is practicing for more than 15 years now and is obviously very hard working for making it possible to follow Dharma here in a fully traditional Tibetan Buddhism way.
The thing is that after the first gathering with the group at this center, this nice man suddenly changed to me and became really hard on my weaknesses and especially on all my big-ego-related faults. I received a lot of criticism, but all of it was fully deserved by me. I think I totally lost his trust already - again I fully deserved it.
It all started when he decided I lie to him that I've quit smoking. Then with my active participation trying to explain myself, etc. etc. i managed to totally piss him off and he banned me from going to their gatherings. He said I am having false behavior, I am not open and honest, which is completely wrong attitude in Buddhism. I DO agree to him - I am all that. But I want to change.
If he has once said (actually, shouted so he must have meant it!) he doesn't want to work with me anymore, do you think he might want to change his mind eventually in a year or so? I do plan to continue reading and getting ready, but I am not sure I would be accepted back and would ever be trusted...
Could please someone practicing traditional Tibetan Buddhism answer me and maybe give an advice what should I do? This was the last person on earth I wanted to make angry and i was careful, because I have inborn "talent" for pissing people off.
Any hints on fighting own ego are also more than welcome...
Sorry for the long post
0
Comments
What were your reasons for lying about smoking?
One like that?
My advice is still the same. Don't take it personally, and just learn from it.
Not just like that, I am travelling more often and i forgot a picture I had to use in my new practice at home when I was going to be missing from home for a week. He got really angry and then asked about my quitting smoking. I told him the truth and he didn't say anything but send me some terrifying to me private messages. And one to the whole group...
Anyway, thank you for answering me!!! I will not take it personally. The only thing is that I like the teacher and the group. And I like the fact it is very very traditional, so no politics there...
"). Maybe finding a new teacher would be best for you either way.
I agree with the advice Mundus gave you.
I don't follow Tibetan Buddhism (I follow a Theravada school called the Thai Forest Tradition) so my response here may be off but unless you're completely conning us in your first post (lying to us), it sounds to me like you're genuinely trying to better yourself as a person. If that is true, you've already taken a huge first step in the right direction. Your 'big ego' will become much easier to manage with the help of Buddhism so you came to the right place.
As for this teacher, either he is too harsh or he has his reasons for doing what he did. Perhaps he was trying to shake you to wake you, you know?
I have heard of Zen Buddhist teachers rejecting a student over and over and if the student keeps persisting and proves to the teacher that he/she has a solid and enduring desire to study and practice Buddhism the teacher eventually relents and accepts the student. I don't know if this is what your teacher was doing.
But if this teacher really doesn't want to have anything to do with you, try somewhere else. If you get the same response elsewhere you'll know where the problem lies and you can take the necessary steps to fix it. If you are welcomed than you'll have a place to study and practice.
There are a lot of people on this site, myself included, who don't have formal teachers and who must study and practice on their own. So if you end up having to practice alone for a while don't worry. There's plenty you can teach yourself, especially with the resources available today. Check out the "Recommended Reading' thread in this forum. There are a lot of great suggestions there for those new to Buddhism.
Good luck!
Sometimes psychotherapy is a really good practice to start along with meditation. If you find that you are sabotaging relationships it may be worth checking out.
......many teachers would benefit from psychotherapy too. There is much discussion about highly realized teachers who act-out then chalk it up to "Crazy Wisdom". Dont assume the teacher isnt acting out, he may well be.
The impression gained is you discovered your local brainwashing centre.
The Dhamma path is a gradual path. The mind & body must be given time & space to naturally unwind their past conditioning.
Kind regards
The monk who didn't carry the young woman, was incredulous that this fellow monk would dare break the rules. This bothered him so much, he finally decided near the end of their journey to confront the man. He reminded him that he had broken the rules and that they as monks, were forbidden from having that kind of contact with a young woman.
The monk who had carried the woman responded to his companion that he had carried the young woman across the stream and there the burden ended, whereas this monk was still carrying her so many miles further.
It is surprising that a man who has devoted his life to his discipline as it sounds like beginners' teacher had, would let judgement and condemnation take possession of him. It does provide you beginner, with a lot of learning opportunities however. We would hope, in the spirit of kindness and wisdom, that the teacher would have been forgiving and understanding. Can you do as much for him?
"Lest one romanticize this relationship, I'd like to repeat something that Trungpa Rinpoche once said: 'The role of the spiritual friend is to insult you.'....If you enter into a relationship with a spiritual friend, you're really asking for it. Rather than the cozy, nurturing situation you might have imagined in the beginning--that the teacher is always kind and will replace the mother or father who never loved you or is finally the friend who has unconditional love for you--you find that in this relationship you begin to see the pimples on your nose, and the mirror on the wall isn't telling you that you're the fairest of them all. To the degree that anything is hidden in this relationship, you begin to see it."
A little further on she writes:
"With a teacher you feel all the ways in which you try to con the situation, you feel all the ways in which you try to make yourself look good. You're seeing clearly what you do all the time. But you've made this commitment--one you're not going to run away from, you're not going to write off. This time you're going to stick with it. Staying there become like the three difficulties. When you're with the spiritual friend or even thinking about him or her, you begin to see neurosis as neurosis. That encourages you to practice the second difficulty, which is to begin to apply the teachings. And finally, you long to make that a way of life. The spiritual friend does not confirm your existence but serves as a mirror for you to see where you're stuck. The relationship encourages you to wake up."
So according to Pema Chodron Beginner's teacher is behaving appropriately. I don't have a teacher yet, but I'm going to be prepared for it to be a challenge...if I'm lucky.
Good Luck Beginner!
Kate
Nope, a teacher isn't there to coddle you. But a good teacher doesn't entirely abandon you over a misunderstanding about smoking, either, when you're new to the path and trying to become a better person.............
The goal of Buddhist practice is peace, the end of suffering. One of the results of it is clear seeing. If a prospective teacher is not at peace most of the time, as this one pretty clearly wasn't, or frequently deluded, as this one pretty clearly is, run like hell.
Another thing Pema Chodron has said is "No Big Deal" and "Lighten Up." The reason she says this often is because most of us take ourselves and our opinions way too seriously, which is just more ego clinging.
I think part of the whole point of having a teacher is to challenge many of your preconceptions, not only about yourself, but preconceptions you have about what it is to be a teacher.
Stay Well,
Kate
I think it is important for a novice like myself to keep my nose in the books and working on awareness.
In the end you realize that the authority and authenticity can only come from your own bones.
10. "Come, Kalamas. Do not go upon what has been acquired by repeated hearing; nor upon tradition; nor upon rumor; nor upon what is in a scripture; nor upon surmise; nor upon an axiom; nor upon specious reasoning; nor upon a bias towards a notion that has been pondered over; nor upon another's seeming ability; nor upon the consideration, 'The monk is our teacher.' Kalamas, when you yourselves know: 'These things are good; these things are not blamable; these things are praised by the wise; undertaken and observed, these things lead to benefit and happiness,' enter on and abide in them.
The Instruction to the Kalamas
Kate, thanks for that. I also do think he is acting appropriately - all arguments in my mind against his behavior are somehow not working. Abuse of course is a threat in any relationship, especially when it has a spiritual base. But this is not the case here.
I just feel I need to prepare better and to hope that next time he will not push me away. Pema Chodron book is definitely on my list.
Thanks
I do feel he was doing me good speaking like that, because I had already decided I trust this person. Smoking was just the occasion - he said much more after that.
My onliest concern is not if he is right or not, because he is, but if I would be able to join the group again.
Because as far as I know if a teacher asks you to leave it is forever - before that happens a teacher speaks without being so straightforward, but more circumambent.
I am a she
Yes, this is exactly what I have to do - sit and read a lot, think alot, do my practice regularly, forget about smoking (coz I was so stressed out that I started again), and after reading and re-reading some good books on teacher-student relation go back.
If you do get the Pema Chodron book, know that the book focuses on a Tibetan Buddhist practice called Lojong which includes dharma study of 59 slogans or pithy statements and a special meditation practice called Tonglen. It's considered an intermediate practice, but Pema Chodron makes it very accessible; so much so that I am studying the practice even though I am a beginner, too. I think it's really pretty wonderful. One key slogan says: "When the world is filled with evil, transform all mishaps into the path of the bodhi." Or, in other words, when things are going badly, use those "mishaps" as the path to wake up or to see more clearly. It's a hopeful message, that you can work with what makes you uncomfortable, what makes you suffer and transform it into something positive, even to the point of helping others.
Be well and I hope to see you around,
Kate
Well, he better be good, because with that attitude, you are going to be ripe for manipulation. Look, you're right, it doesn't matter whether he's right about the smoking and so on or not, he banned you for talking back to him. That's not skillful behavior. Buddhist practice leads to an end of rejecting things which annoy you. In your case, he apparently hasn't reached that end. And this concern that you'll be rejected from the group is a classic result of cult inculcation. Be very careful.
The stuff he showed you which you initially liked is just dead stuff in books. You can get that anywhere, and most places, it'll come with a dose of peace, which is the point of Buddhist practice, not a dose of hostility, which is almost the antithesis of the practice.
If he banned/abandoned you then he is not right for you. Being strict with you is one thing, but if he cannot/refuses to offer you any help and instead just kicks you to the curb, how is he right for you? Because from your posts, it doesn't sound like that's what you needed. Give some other centres a try. You apparently see that you need strictness and discipline... well, you got that, you got banned for your behaviour which you insist you deserved. Ok. So he taught you a lesson and now you move on.
He also taught you your first Buddhist lesson with a wet towel across the (_)_): everything is impermanent; let go of your attachment, it will only lead to more suffering. Explore your other options, and if you find nothing else suits you, then perhaps someday you can look back to him. But this is a chance for you to begin your practice right now, so take the opportunity, instead of obsessing over the possibility of returning to his centre...
That's what I will do... Besides I like journeys by myself. Anyway, if I want to be sure I chose the right company - I should have an overview on all options, right?
All's good!
By the way, I would like to recommend a reading too - Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism by Chogyam Trungpa. I read it one, plan to learn it by heart
I second that!
Your posts #29 and #30 had me a bit concerned, I must say. I was going to respond in much the same way Fivebells did in #33 until I read with relief your #35 post.
Just to be on the safe side though, maybe keeping Fivebells words in your mind would be a good thing to do because it's so easy for us to fall into the hands of false spiritual teachers. Unlike the few truly wise beings on this earth, most of us are extremely vulnerable when it comes to psycho/spiritual matters and false teachers know exactly how to exploit our individual weaknesses. That's what they do. Literally, for a living.
So always, always, always stay on your guard when you meet so-called 'teachers'. I'm starting to have serious reservations about the one you described and unless he's another Trungpa Rinpoche, which I highly doubt, he's not entitled to behave the way you've described. (Well, even Trungpa wouldn't be entitled...but I can't help forgiving him so much because his teachings pretty much gave me back my life. Even though I practice a Theravaden tradition now, the Thai Forest Tradition, Trungpa Rinpoche will always be the first teacher who really got through to me and I'll always love him.)
Good luck with everything and I hope you hang out here with us as you travel along your path.
Hi Brigid,
Thank you for the advise. I am not easy to manipulate really, but more on the other extreme unfortunately - too rational, so prone to missing some very important things when with such a teacher. I need to find the middle path and I think the best way to do it is by gathering as much as possible information on Dharma. And who knows - maybe I will get more ignited, maybe I will find out that heading towards Buddhism was just an impulse of my ignorant self that would fade in time. Maybe I will find my teacher, maybe I will not. Anyway, I need to take my time and read in peace and quietness.
Good luck!
Zen is the nuts-and-bolts of Buddhism, the stripped down, bare essentials. It has a reputation for being mystical and esoteric, but nothing could be farther from the truth. Study the writings of Bodhidharma, Suzuki, and Thich Naht Han. Check out the Alan Watts podcast (http://www.alanwattspodcast.com/). Breath. Meditate.
And for heaven's sake, quit smoking!