Attachment and Kindness

AllbuddhaBound

I am wondering if any other folks here had experienced something similar to what I am going through. There is a woman who has been pursuing me relentlessly. I do not share this attraction. I have spoken to friends who advised me to be cruel and become blunt with her. There were suggestions like becoming rude and sending her away whenever she visits. I thought about the Buddhist way one can deal with this kind of situation. It all seems very straight forward and simple in society, but when one always keeps kindness in mind, it is not so easy. I know this lady is quite needy and has experienced a lot of abuse at the hands of her ex-husband and her children. She is quite depressive but she denies it. I have explained to her that our relationship will not be going on and she seems to take that for a day or two but then later I find we are right back where we began. She sees me as the object of her affection and she seems convinced I will come to my senses. I have encouraged her to date other people, I have encouraged her to get involved in training where she might meet other men, but truly, I know that isn't going to lead her to where she needs to go. It is just a way to transfer her away rather than help her deal with this addictive kind of behavior. I would end up relieved but would also feel I failed her. Has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this, and how do you advise someone who appears to be so headed in a negative and harmful direction?

DhammaDhatu

There is a woman who has been pursuing me relentlessly. I do not share this attraction. I have spoken to friends who advised me to be cruel and become blunt with her. There were suggestions like becoming rude and sending her away whenever she visits.

Hi

For me, there is no need to be cruel or rude. Only straightforward & honest.

I helped a woman through her divorce, who took trust in me and pursued association in her normal forward manner.

Then one day, months later, she asked what would happen if she asked me on a date. I frankly replied, she would be very disappointed.

Of course, we remain excellent friends. If fact, she is probably my best, most reliable & trustworthy friend.

I know this lady is quite needy...

Indeed she is.

...and has experienced a lot of abuse at the hands of her ex-husband and her children.

Common.

She is quite depressive but she denies it.

Common and challenging.

I have explained to her that our relationship will not be going on and she seems to take that for a day or two but then later I find we are right back where we began.

Try to be friends. Mere friends. This she has never learned and maybe you could develop metta further.

She sees me as the object of her affection and she seems convinced I will come to my senses.

Be frank with her. However, she needs someone.

I have encouraged her to date other people, I have encouraged her to get involved in training where she might meet other men, but truly, I know that isn't going to lead her to where she needs to go. It is just a way to transfer her away rather than help her deal with this addictive kind of behavior.

Yes.

I would end up relieved but would also feel I failed her.

Maybe. You can try to support her but you can never save her. She is responsible for her life, not you. But it is good if we can be a support to people in their times of need & loneliness.

If she understood friendship, she would not have her difficulties.

Has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this, and how do you advise someone who appears to be so headed in a negative and harmful direction?

For me, where I stand as a person is firm. You may not have my strength. I do not reject such female approaches to friendship. I live in a small community with many single mothers and divorcees. The women here far outnumber the men.

However, once a woman understands you have no romantic or sexual interest in her, she will choose. Choose to retain your company & friendship or choose to go.

If she goes, you tried your best to provide her with a new perspective but she was not ready or able.

If she stays, she may calm down a little.

In brief, women can be difficult due to their neediness (sorry sisters ). Be careful not to be tempted due to feeling sorry for her. But to help, we must be firm & especially free from fear. A woman's neediness can be a very frightening thing but a woman's love & trust is stronger. If she develops trust in you, her aggressive advances will subside. She will feel safe, which is her foremost want.

Kind regards

DDhatu

AllbuddhaBound

Thank you for that. Just speaking of this has been helpful. It helps me to realize how I am building drama in my life. Just staying the course and remaining firm is all I really need to do.

Namaste