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Getting Control of a Fetish
Without divulging too much information, let's just say that I have a fetish that, when I give in to it, and because it takes place secretly, depreciates a relationship with another person. I have been aware of this fetish for over 40 years.
I am not happy with this situation, and have tried to stop on several occasions. Sometimes I successfully stop for a few weeks, then start up again.
I have been reading and thinking about Buddhism for about 11 years, and have learned and experienced a lot of positive things, but this has not yet helped me to shake this problem so far.
I could try to analyze this myself, and say that it is an attachment issue, and go from there, but I have already been down that road - without success.
I just began reading "Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from old Habits and Fears" by Pema Chodron, and hope that an answer might be found there.
Any other ideas of practice that might make this easier? A relationship could possibly be damaged beyond repair, and I would like to prevent that from happening.
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I am not happy with this situation, and have tried to stop on several occasions. Sometimes I successfully stop for a few weeks, then start up again.
I have been reading and thinking about Buddhism for about 11 years, and have learned and experienced a lot of positive things, but this has not yet helped me to shake this problem so far.
I could try to analyze this myself, and say that it is an attachment issue, and go from there, but I have already been down that road - without success.
I just began reading "Taking the Leap: Freeing Ourselves from old Habits and Fears" by Pema Chodron, and hope that an answer might be found there.
Any other ideas of practice that might make this easier? A relationship could possibly be damaged beyond repair, and I would like to prevent that from happening.
:om:
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Comments
Is anyone other than you aware of this fetish?
It sounds like you could benefit from the help of a 3rd party.
Keeping this fetish secret only strengthens it's hold upon you.
@max: Your comment on the power of secrecy opened my eyes a little.
I think this might be something that requires someone else in the equation, as two kind people have now suggested. But suddenly requiring a third party to solve a problem, making and meeting appointments, etc., would certainly lead to a lot of questions.
I have a lot of thinking to do.
Keeping this secret, I imagine, is slowly eating away at you and things are starting to come to a head right now for a reason. You already know you need the input of others or you wouldn't have come here and asked this painful question. So I think it's important that you find some neutral party, a psychotherapist would be ideal as Richard suggested, that you can trust and talk to and who won't reveal your secret.
It's also important to know that the 'secret' status of your fetish is adding greatly to your sense of guilt and shame. Once you are able to start talking openly about it with someone who can help, you'll start to see that this is nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. You'll also probably learn that you're far from alone and that a lot more people than you ever thought have the same fetish or a similar one. We always think we're the only one's that suffer from our particular foibles especially when we've been keeping those foibles a secret.
As far as Buddhism is concerned, yes, you could view the fetish as an attachment issue but I don't know how helpful that's going to be at this point. There's a lot of other stuff built around the fetish itself (like the guilt, fear of being exposed, fear of losing an important relationship, all the time and energy you're putting into hiding the fetish, etc.) that I think might need to be dealt with first before you're able to actually get to the attachment part of the issue.
So how do you feel about radically simplifying the issue and bringing it down to one basic first step? If that seems like a good idea, think about what basic first step you'd like to take and/or think you should take and start there.
You've been dealing with this issue for some 40 years, if I read your post correctly, and it's not going to be dealt with overnight. When faced with big, seemingly complex challenges like this my favourite thing to do is ask myself the first line of that old elephant joke, "How does a person go about eating an elephant?", the punchline to which is, "One bite at a time".
Welcome to the site, by the way. I'm very glad you posted this important topic and I hope we can offer you some comfort and support if not a solution.
I am new to posting here also,
wanted to add that in my experience, getting rid of the secrecy aspect is very helpful ... your post led me to think about an experience I had whilst in individual and group psychotherapy, many years ago now. In an individual therapy session I had divulged a secret I felt ashamed of and my feelings were hindering me from actually changing the situation.
In a group session, my therapist encouraged me, very skillfully, to share with the group - realised the world did not end ( lol ), others reacted in various different ways ( none as my case scenarios anticipated - not even close ) and saw clearly how much energy I had invested in keeping this secret ... it is a cliche which held some truth for me - we are only as sick as our secrets
You really have to stop the desire/thought/feeling/impulse from gaining any foothold whatsoever, right at the very birth of its appearing. Anything like this arises in the mind, and it's with the mind I get most success.
Just don't entertain the thought at all.
If you are successful in ignoring an attachment is it truly an attachment or is it something else?
Is it even possible to completely ignore anything? There are countless things that we think we ignore or may have no knowledge of whatsoever that affect us constantly and significantly.
It has been too long, and too hard for me to hide this problem.
It's now time for action. One step at a time. Thanks to all who offered ideas.
Collective,
That is so completely contrary to everything Buddhism teaches us. Buddhism teaches mindfulness. In meditation, we don't ignore anything... in fact we're mindful of everything, and learn to observe it without judgement, and begin to see its true nature. Ignoring the desire/urge/impulse without investigating it any further and dealing with the cause/the root of the issue will only result in that desire/urge/impulse coming back again and again and inevitably there will come a time where ignoring it isn't enough. The way we deal with things in meditation is the way we should deal with things in everyday life as well.
~nomad
But I wasn't referring to Buddhism techniques, just mentioning a technique that really works for me
@TheFound: Thanks for the generous offer. Not sure, may take you up on it. The fetish, if found out, would not land me in jail, but would cause distress and pain.
I think I would like to keep it a secret. If I don't name it exactly, maybe my situation, and your advice, might be able to help someone else, that might be struggling with a fetish of another flavor.
You acknowledge that you are choosing to keep it a secret and in doing this you are inherently accepting the possibility of other choices, which is seeing it at it is.
Share your sentiment that posts have the ability to help others in similar situations.
Would encourage you to consider how your decision to keep it a secret is impacting on the continuation of the behaviour.
If it bothers YOU deep down...then stop.
I know it's an addiction. Maybe you were born with it.... Most of the time you can't just stop an addiction that is hardwired into your being.
Think instead of the risks instead... Imagine what would happen if you were found out....live it, really imagine it, dream it... the feelings that you are deathly afraid of living through..it can happen,....
the relationship you care about ....wouldn't it be awkward if that person knew? probably worse than awkward..
it doesn't have to be that way.. THE absolute best way to not be found out is to stop. Forget about it..never leave any evidence, not physical evidence, and not mental evidence
Don't worry about the past, each day when you wake up, you can be a different human being.
Also keep in mind no matter how secretive or careful you are, tells will appear. That's what I mean by mental evidence...
Your sub-conscious mind will leak out signs... you know what I mean. They could be misinterpreted. Or spotted by anyone.
If all else fails, find a new fetish!!, one that doesn't carry as much risk, no personal ties, you will find that refreshing, safer...
but above all else....be true to yourself.
maybe this fetish is who you are deep down. And the person in question should accept that if that's the case.
I know it is not an uncommon fetish. The large number of websites about this fetish would suggest that it is almost widespread.
My fetish has to do with women's intimate clothing. I enjoy seeing pictures and videos of women, or men being forced into, wearing women's underwear. If the opportunity presents itself, I also buy and wear them. I really enjoy just reading or hearing the word "panties".
This fetish has been with me for a long, long time. It started while I still lived at home.
I thought it was just a fad for me, as I was not involved in the fetish for almost three years after I left home. Then it started again, and has been frequently on and off for more than a couple of decades. I purchase and hide large collections of lingerie, then purge it completely. Lately, it seems to be more prevalent, and access to web sites that feature this fetish makes it easier to be involved in. This also might have to do with the fact that my partner has been battling cancer and heart problems for the past 11 years. Her energy levels are so low that it seems almost selfish for me to bring the topic of sex to the table. We were never very highly-sexed, if I compare us to what we read, and see almost everywhere. There should be no question: I love my partner very much, and the greatest fear I have is that discovery will hurt her.
Why have I not mentioned this to her?
Perhaps because I know from experience that she thinks this a little too kinky.
Perhaps because I think many women are disappointed that a man is seemingly more interested in something they wear, rather than them.
Perhaps because I know that I have violated a trust that should exist, by keeping this secret for so long. This might be the most important reason.
Perhaps because I think she has enough worries on her mind with her illness, and that I should not heap more trouble upon her.
I have never been unfaithful, in a physical way, but I view my actions as borderline unfaithfulness, because I am not sharing it with her.
I have tried stopping before. It helped me to consider a couple of things.
1) That the items that excite me were not always present. 100 years ago, or so, the fetish would not even have been possible.
2) The the items, or fabrics, that consume me are nothing more than an article of clothing, without meaning.
3) That the pain and stress (not only for me) if I were discovered would be tremendous.
As sex is no longer a topic between us, this fetish only works itself out when I am satisfying my own needs. That I even still do this seems selfish to me.
What have I done since my original post to stop (which I think surely must be humanly possible)?
1) Again purged my hidden collection of clothing.
2) Erased all my digital pictures and videos (well over 200 GB).
3) Erased all e-mails from web sites that contained user names and passwords for access to the fetish material.
4) Try to visualize the pain that may be present, if I were to again start.
Just completing these 4 steps has made my life easier, if only for the short term. No secrets, no stress.
My goal is to try this week by week.
Just making my fetish known, as some of you have suggested, has helped me.
I hope that I have not offered so much information that this might come back to haunt me, but from the advice I have received so far, I rather think that this will not be a problem. Maybe this will help someone else.
This has been very disjointed, and I rambled a bit. Sorry.
I will try to keep you posted on my progress. Thanks again for all of your openness and advice.
Please find the ability to continue to provide love and comfort to your partner through her difficult ordeal.
There are probably more men out there who like to wear womens frilly or lacy pants than you think. I have seen half dressed male musicians walking around in dressing rooms full of people,whilst openly wearing womens knickers. It's no big deal - its just cross dressing. My late husband wore a dress of mine on stage a couple of times - I liked to wear some of his tops around the house. - So what?
I think it may also be the secrecy that has been part of the turn on for you... and I'm sure its something you can easily give up if you want to. Meditation would be a good idea. This is the first of a series of Buddhist meditation videos on YouTube which might be useful to you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd7a9Ur2x0o
Don't worry too much, and if your wife is ill, just try to focus on helping her and providing all the comfort and support that you can give in order to make life easier for her.
Lots of good wishes to you both,
Dazzle
That to me sounds like no big deal, man.
geez, you could even confess this fetish to your partner and she would probably laugh and think it's cute..:p surprise her one day wearing a bra and panties on Aprils fools day or something (u have that in germany?),
see how she reacts, if it goes over well, you can work on it, if it goes over bad, u say it was a joke for april fools day
just don't tell her how MUCH you like it...200GB etc etc...that's all.
also remember a man has needs, she understands that I'm sure. Being faithful like you are is really , well it makes you a good man!!.
I'd even say that this OUTLET is actually healthy for your relationship...(you are allowed to have your own secrets like this, I never shared with my girlfriends, u know anything about looking at porn, and stuff like that)
you can't keep panties and stuff of course because if they were found out it might make someone think you ARE cheating.., but just browsing the internet taking a look is no crime...
think about it, it sounds like a very gentle way, to satisfy a primal need that has made men do terrible terrible terrible things.
keep us posted, and also thanks for sharing...I'm sure you feel a bit lighter now.:cool:
Admire the courage and appreciate the level of disclosure that you have shared with us.
You have described that you believe your partner would not be able to accept your interest in this, and it seems to me that you are not happy with the degree to which you are pre occupied by this.
Maybe a different view, rather than calling it a "fetish" may be helpful - accepting your interest, trying to see your interest as less static and whole rather passing thoughts which can be entertained or not will lessen
" it's " power over you.
We are all individuals and as you identified earlier can choose how and when we share what thoughts, desires and feelings we have ...
So far, my uncontrolled time on the internet has not yet led me to the sites (the free ones, since I erased all my member data) that were causing problems.
I have been tempted, but try to think about the negative consequences of being discovered, and that seems to work so far, which pleases me. The thought of having to issue a negative report on my progress has also been a motivational tool.
Due to my wife's illness and weakness, she spends a lot of time watching cooking television programs. This was when I traditionally was on the internet alone. I have reduced the time in front of the computer, and sit with her, with my iPod on, listening to talks by Buddhist teachers. Watching cooking TV for a long time would be mind-numbing to me, but she likes it, so she should be able to watch it.
Just in the couple of days since trying to stop, my stress level has gone down, which results in me being a more positive person, and increases my ability to deal with, and help her with, her health issues.
You have no idea how good it felt to tell everyone here about everything .. although I think details may turn some away from the problem. Without a name it might have been more discussable. On another level, it is frightening to me that I can share this with you, but not her. That is something I need to work on.
I have said it before, but feel that I cannot say it enough: thanks. One step at a time, right?
@theFound: Yes, we have April Fools day, just with a different name. And as a North American living in Europe, I cross the border frequently, using the holidays and such from both sides of the big pond.
@andyrobyn: The amount of time I spent on this fetish is a source of shame, truth be told. Way too much time spent on this.
@dazzle: I very much enjoyed the YouTube link you sent. Thanks.
Bottom Line for today: I am trying to be present in the moment, trying to live with the fetish feelings when they present themselves (which they most certainly will from time to time), but then trying to react differently to them. I think I might be able to become a better person without this particular baggage, and that would be a good thing, all around.
I hope this message finds all of you at peace.
.. I think details may turn some away from the problem. Without a name it might have been more discussable.
.[/quote]
Not for me ... my best wishes to you.
I would like to add that seeking professional advice and support is the best way forward if assistance is required, discussion on a public forum is discussion on a public forum, nothing more, each individual situation is slightly different - others may empathise, understand, have had similar experience which they can share
I learnt some time ago that if a child has a problem, to us adults it's a mere trifle, something to make no fuss about. To the child, it's colossal. We need to appreciate that what seems trite to us, could be threatening to someone else.
As such, you have my admiration and infinite respect for taking the bull by the horns and finding the courage to discuss your fetish openly and honestly.
Good for you.
I think also you need possibly to address why you think you should be feeling so guilty about this. Almost as if maybe a punishment should be in order for you, for having such a persuasion.
Why are you being so hard on yourself, exactly?
Why would you merit condemnation?
It's not the fetish that stressed you.
It's the associated guilt that stressed you.
But if the outcome is good, then analysis is redundant....
We're faceless and detached. we are a safe bet.
we are not intimate with you and your daily life, so are not in a position to be judgemental or critical.
But we also understand.
because of your opening gambit, you made us understand what a burden this has been to you.
Maybe you should consider the same opening gambit with your wife, should you choose to finally discuss this with her.....
Let her understand what a desperately difficult thing this has been for you to bear. Let her know it has been a torment... Maybe, when she realises the issue, she too will not consider it as life-shattering as you think.
teeny-tiny ones, if you like. The poace, speed and distance is your choice.
Again with the guilt and shame.....OUGHT you to be feeling this?
Thich Naht Hahn (yes, him again!) welcomes such intrusions by naming them friends, because friends teach us much about themselves, and ourselves.
"Oh hello...you're back! What would you like from me now? No, I'm sorry, I can't commit to that, but I can see why you ask it of me.... why do you do this? What do you give me that is constructive in return? A lesson in self-discipline, yes, but little else, huh? I thank you for that, in any case....."
Be well.
And stop being so hard on yourself.
I think you're brave and I think you're going about this in exactly the right ways. Your attitude sounds healthy to me and I have no doubt this issue will become less and less of a problem for you. It may well be a 'three steps forward, two steps back' sort of progress but it's progress none the less.
When the torment of this issue is in the past I think you're going to be able to look back and feel a great sense of gratitude for the journey of self discovery and psycho/spiritual development it forced upon you. Maybe you'll experience that gratitude sooner.
This fetish has also been a refuge for you in times of having had to support your wife through her cancer.... as you mention that your sex life has never been red hot, this is likely, so there is the guilt of infidelity - of a sort - there, too.
This is not a criticism or judgement, by the way... It's just a way of trying to understand the process and its foundations.....
By the way, there is no such thing as a normal sex life... if a couple make love once a month, and this is all well and good for them, then that's normal for them - just as sex three times a day for a pair of willing happy partners is normal, for them....
When there is an imbalance in desire and arousal (one person would be happy with once a month, whilst the other would be glad with three times a day) then THAT's when there is an emotional conflict....
I hope this is helping to dissipate your own internal conflicts and upheaval.....
good luck
@andyrobyn & brigid: thanks for your support of my decision to go into detail.
@federica: I am not sure why I hold myself up to such high standards. I think I have a tendency to do this in many areas. It is has been that way for as long as I can remember. Another area to explore.
@federica: It was DEFINITELY the guilt that caused the stress. The fetish brought pleasure .. except for the guilt associated with it
@federica: Thich Naht Hahn and HH Dalai Lama are the two authors that appear most often in my small library of books about Buddhism, and I actually enjoy reading their works.
@several people: I am just trying to solve a problem, I certainly don't think of myself as being brave. Maybe I took a risk, but not much more than that, in my opinion
@federica: Yes, I think the fetish was a refuge. The situation with my wife still exists, but I wish to rid myself of this particular refuge.
@thefound: I hope you are right, and look forward to that day, in 5 years.
BTW: How do you all get the quote function to work so well? Is there a secret handshake you have to do before quoting? I always end up seeing the code that makes the quote possible (but the quoted text is there).
'Edit', 'Quote', two little tadpoles reading the Times, and 'q reply'.
To quote somebody's whole post, simply press 'quote' and the reply box appears, complete with the person's post.
To reply to several people, go to each post you wish to respond to, and hit the squiggly tadpoles...
Brigid's post *click tadpoles*, scroll, my post *click tadpoles* scroll, The found's post, *click tadpoles*.
Then, click the 'reply' button, bottom left, under the final post in the thread.
A reply box will appear with all the posts you clicked on.
Go through, remove extraneous babble, keep pertinent text - and respond.
Took me years.....!
As you can tell, I'm highly technical!
I think I've got it ..
Yep, it works. Thanks Federica.
Unfortunately, we live in a very sexually repressed society, and we're conditioned to feel ashamed about our sexuality. But sex is a healthy thing, and unless your fetish leads you to hurt someone, I don't see anything wrong with indulging in it every now and then.
Nevertheless, if it's really bothering you that much, I can understand your desire to stop and I wish you luck.
^ ^ ^ I agree with this. Its the guilt thats making this seem so much bigger.
I think you're right in wanting to stop it, after all you have much more important things to think about (your wifes health)
As for your 'fetish', if you want the opinion of a woman who suffers with illness herself, i have to say, i would rather my husband/partner to cross dress, rather than to actually cheat with another woman to get pleasure or release.
That would hurt me much more.
Im sure that would hurt your wife much more too, so really its not as 'bad' as you may think. I think whats wasted is the time you spent on the sites. You could have spent with your wife. But like you said, you want to stop all that.
Crossdressing is common to be honest. Almost every ex boyfirnd ive had has tried my underwear on! Not in front of me, but i know they've had it on by the fact none of them can put it back exactly right (the secret agent in me)
So, i think its a common thing. Oddly, id rather they tried on my knickers than somebody elses.
Im not in any way condoning any fetish, but i do know they obviously exist.
By asking for help and telling us, you've made a big step in finding out that its not as bad as you thought (ie. cheating would have been much worse) and you have obviously accepted that time has been wasted on sites that could have been spent better with your wife.
So well done for getting that far at least!
Don't give up, you will beat this in the end if thats what you really want to do.
Good look!
Susie
You monitor the exact position of your smalls?
OP, people tend to do weird things and develop unusual imaginative talents when there's nothing to do.
It's rather like watching daytime television when you're unemployed, or smoking cigarettes. The problem itself seems much larger because you can afford to focus on the contents of your mind.
Just as watching cooking TV is mind numbing for you, so would be examining pieces of frilly material for others. You are probably closer than you can really imagine in that respect. You with your knickers collection, her with the cooking programs... all very innocent and cute.
Perhaps once you take away the secrecy & danger of being caught it will also take away the sting that's troubling you so much. People who really care about you will not be the judge of you, nor should they. It's the people that don't care, that tend to condemn.
Best wishes
No-one else probably does that, and men definately don't, so if anything has been put back wrong, Susie knows
Oddly, i'm not that bothered. It would be the web sites that bothered me.
Its interesting that different things bother different people.
You see MyMindisNotMadeUp, your wife may not be too upset about the actual clothes, but the sites, as this brings someone (even though its virtual) into it.
I guess we all see things differently, were all offended by different things.
eg. *With me, you can wear my knickers, just don't look at porn*
You have to work out whats acceptable to your partner maybe.
You also need to stop distressing youself.
Again, good luck, you can work this out.
Progress has been positive. But as one astute poster predicted, it has been two steps forward, one step back.
One small retreat back into the web sites, which I regretted.
In a perfect world, I would have probably admitted to this fetish. But since part of the problem is a breach of trust, I decided against it, and I am realizing that it is just a thing that I am considering, and nothing more, nothing less.
I am doing my best to be upfront in all other matters, and it is helping my state of being. I am much less stressed than before.
When confronted with the fetish (it has happened a couple of times already, and will no doubt, occur again), I try to think about the level of trust that I am breaking, and that this fetish is really nothing more than a fascination with a piece or pieces of cloth.
Twice it worked, and once I was again tempted, but the time was much shorter before my mind reminded me of what I was doing.
I notice that I am spending much less time on the computer .. an added benefit.
Thanks to all who are supporting this attempt.
What may help, is find or remember someone you really look up too, or respected.
I personally think of heroes I love,
or the girl of my dreams, etc etc..
and I think "What would she or he think, if they saw me doing this"
I realized there was a certain style person I wanted to become
(a buddha/saint/respectable person of honor, who doesn't falter to such trivial things... like a friggin samurai or jet Li, Bruce Lee or something!!!!),
and this method helps me a lot ..when I'm feeling a bit ....perverted :eek: LOL
Some ideas that may be of some help with your desires:
A big part of obsessions that hold us, are the pictures that we ourselves draw in our own mind. A person can fantasize all day about beauty and perfection. An old Buddhist trick that had been used by novice monks when they obsessed on beautiful young women, was to allow themselves to think about these young ladies, but they thought about them with their skin removed. (I am sorry to all of those who want quotes but I really can't remember where I read it). I know this works and it can stop the fantasizing immediately. How could you take these pictures in your mind and make them less than appealing? Perhaps changing the clothing to something unappealing like bloomers, humongous granny panties, whatever it takes. If you can permit the obsessional part of it to occur, but remove the appealing part, you can make the experience negative. What you are doing now, is attempting to stamp it out. The harder you try, the more power it gathers.
Another part of the challenge with addictions I have found, is just when you think you have them licked, they re-emerge and a person falls off the wagon. Sometimes they fall off the wagon at their most vulnerable time and they are off to the races again. Over time, an addiction does lose its' power but we sometimes tell ourselves we have it licked. Times like that, we are susceptible to self-sabotage when we are most vulnerable.
I was a fairly heavy smoker for a long time and I quit many years ago. My desire to smoke did not leave me for ten years. It did not come near as often as it had originally, but it stayed with me. After a few weeks away from the smoking, it would return momentarily every three of four days for a short time. Then it stretched out for weeks and then months and finally, once a year or so the desire would come back. Only for a moment or two but it would come back. Don't expect all desire to disappear.
My advice to you is that you develop and practice repugnant fantasies that you can drag out when you feel tempted. That you stop fighting the propensity to obsess, sit with it (meditate) and allow it lots of space around you. And don't expect that you are going to "beat" this thing. There is a part of you that feels the need to revisit the habit. To beat this thing is to beat a part of you. You need your gentleness not condemnation. Use it to learn about yourself. Best of luck.
Namaste
Buddha taught us that we should walk the middle path and not dwell on either extremes.
Your fetish is harmless as far as I see it. Its only a matter of preference for the individual.
Instead of letting it eat yourself away and trying to keep it from the world... why don't you try accepting it? That to me is a balanced approach.
I wish you well.
ps: I have a fetish as well and I used to keep it a secret but have since shared with close friends and partners. There's no shame to it really
These cycles of binging and purging only serve to reinforce your fetish. Sometimes, you might go a few years without binging again, but eventually most guys will break down at some point and start rebuilding their collection. So, it can really be counterproductive to purge your fetish collection.
In my experience dealing with fetishes, it's better to just accept it as normal and try to moderate your indulgence, with the aim of eventually letting go. The more you deny yourself, the more 'naughty' you feel about it, the more gratifying the fix is when you do finally give into it. Normalizing it can help remove the 'naughty' aspect, and help overcome the binging and purging cycles.
It helps to realize that it is a fantasy, an illusion that you are indulging in. Fetishes are creations of the mind, they are not real love, and contemplating that can sometimes be helpful in overcoming the desire to indulge.
Lastly, I would urge you to consider sharing your fetish with your partner. Sometimes if you are allowed to act out your fetish, it can help you realize that it was just a fantasy and overcome some of the attachment to it. I've had the luxury of fulfilling a lot of my fantasies. Having been there and done that on a daily basis, I don't feel desire indulge in such things nearly as often, and when I do it's not a big deal to me. Feelings of shame only arise from hiding it. I've always been very open with my sexual partners, so no need to hide anything.
just my 2 cents...
It is like the quote from Buddha about not taking advice unless it feels right for you. How he wants to deal with it is right with him because it feels right for him. How does he go about doing what he wants, was the question I believe. I want to be respectful to both of you because I am confident you have good intentions and who is to say I am not wrong? Perhaps the only one who can is MMINMI.
Namaste
Yes, I understand that he doesn't want to share it, and that perhaps my advice my not be right for him. I was just suggesting an alternative approach based on my own experience. Maybe there are others who will benefit from my advice.
I see he had already relapsed a little. So, I thought I would offer up my suggestion on how to deal with the binging and purging cycles.
Namaste
No offense taken. You made some good points.