Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
Dealing with difficult people
NamelessRiver
Veteran
(Sorry for posting this but I needed to vent) OK I have to cope with a person that is manipulative, covetous, deceitful, parasitic and cunning, traits which make her, as I see it, a dangerous individual. Oh, and she is my sister :P
At the time being I can't get away from her (as far as I can), and I doubt she will let me go easily (she has a knack for trying to take me down, long story). The worst part is that she seems to enjoy herself a lot while doing her stunts, and I have to admit I have come to the point that I absolutely hate her, and this drains and disturbs me.
I am trying to look on all the bright sides possible. I have completely substituted my mindfulness of breathing for loving kindness, I have been reading about patience as a paramita, thinking of it as bad karma and an opportunity to see my ill will in full contrast. "She is my patience teacher", I try to tell myself. I try to think of it in the sense that she might be an undiagnosed sociopath or something (the mere thought of her pushes my hot buttons, as thinking of such a far fetched idea just to feel better is not my thing:rant:). Some progress has been made, although I can't do loving kindness thinking of her yet or I just get mad.
How to deal with this kind of people? Anybody has been through this?
At the time being I can't get away from her (as far as I can), and I doubt she will let me go easily (she has a knack for trying to take me down, long story). The worst part is that she seems to enjoy herself a lot while doing her stunts, and I have to admit I have come to the point that I absolutely hate her, and this drains and disturbs me.
I am trying to look on all the bright sides possible. I have completely substituted my mindfulness of breathing for loving kindness, I have been reading about patience as a paramita, thinking of it as bad karma and an opportunity to see my ill will in full contrast. "She is my patience teacher", I try to tell myself. I try to think of it in the sense that she might be an undiagnosed sociopath or something (the mere thought of her pushes my hot buttons, as thinking of such a far fetched idea just to feel better is not my thing:rant:). Some progress has been made, although I can't do loving kindness thinking of her yet or I just get mad.
How to deal with this kind of people? Anybody has been through this?
0
Comments
Having said that, if you allow yourself to get upset about her, or despair because of her antics, then you are indeed still putting up with her crap.
I'd go into specifics, but you're not giving me a lot to go on. Could you describe the situation in more depth?
Yes, i have a cousin exactly the same. Unfortunately i became outcast from the family because of it. She was my grandmothers favourite, my mothers favourite etc. i could never have changed the awful situation.
I had to just walk away, trying to put up with it made me suicidal.
I was depressed and bitter.
Personally i would tell you to ignore her, she will have to let you go in the end. If she can't hurt you anymore, it might pan out differently and her attitude towards you may improve.
Its a shame you can't make up and have a nice relationship, but i know how impossible that can be. I know you're supposed to show compassion, but i also know how difficult that is.
You can feel some compassion in the way that she must have some problems that make her behave the way she does.
But you can't live in misery for the rest of your life for her. The problem with family is your expected to love them, expected to put up with them. The reality is that family can be harmful and damaging.
You have to decide the cut-off point.
I truly hope it gets better for you both, and you both find some peace
_/|\_
Susie
Yes. I'll say something that actually happened for each of the adjectives I used.
I) Deceitful: "Father, could you give me some money? I can't afford the kids school this month" (real deal: she spent the money buying jewelery for her kids and the daughter of her boyfriend; she overspend so much she actually returned her own kids - but not the one she gave to the boyfriends daughter - jewelry to the person that sold it to her).
II) Covetous: Me and my other sister used to have to put locks or hide our things, or else she would snatch them (usually perfumes, clothes, earrings and that sort of thing); once I caught her with my perfume and she look me right in the eye and said "This is to show you you can't hide things from me". She also pretended to be my other sister when my 'normal' sisters boyfriend called.
III) Cunning: when you talk to her she slowly drops certain lines in the conversation, things like; "oh, I would be so lucky to get to forty"; "oh, I am aways broke"; "oh the money came late this month"; and then finally "oh, this is so expensive" (normally something to have to do with her kids, which she uses as excuse to get money from people). Over a period of time, either through playing the victim, or just plain lying ("borrow me your DVD set please, mine broke, after I get it fixed I'll return it to you" - yes I falled for that one >_>) she gets what she wants. All she has: car, TV, furniture, was gotten through either litigation or "tactics". She hardly has anything to use her salary on (although is always "broke", which is a lie anyways).
IV) Parasitic: as I stated she expects everybody to do things for her, give her money (which is what is pissing me off the most lately because she is threatening me) and etc. She actually used to get money "borrowed" from her "boyfriends" (which are usually gullyble people - she's a real hawk in picking these up - she drops after getting what she wants) and they used to call my house to ask for the money back =_= (she gave my phone number).
V) Gets off on screwing people: she usually puts my father against me; When the last boyfriend called for money I told him what she was doing, and she told my father I was lying and came up with it to harm her. He got really mad at me. When I wwas learning english I skipped class here and there (rarely) and onee time I did that that viper tried to convince my father to kick me out of it and put her instead (at the time I was young; btw she left an english course on her own accord before this).
VI) Tottaly iresponsible: 2 kids by accident in less than 2 years; 12 years to finish college, failing disciplines for not going to classes (instead she went to bars and wherever);
These are all her problems, not yours to worry about. I would say just don't let it bother you, but, it is obvious that you do let it bother you. Instead of blaming her do some insightful meditation. Why do you let these things get to you so much?
Being mindful of your feelings and what causes them would be a good step in overcoming this challenge.
Her actions have consequences in everybody's life including mine, so I wouldn't say these are her problems. Actually they aren't problems for her at all, just for the people around her, as far as she is concerned she is quite happy, or at least says so. I don't let things get to me, they get to me quite objectively. They make me suffer but I can bear it only so much, right now I feel quite drained.
I do have some experience in similiar situations, and I liken the strategy to follow as the same one you should follow when you are ahead in a game of go: Make calm, simple moves that can't easily be disrupted. The way you do this in life is pretty much the same: Whenever you are dealing with her antics or her, keep things simple. Simplicity is your friend.
Your opponent on the other hand, will try to confuse you. Confusion is her best friend, because it generates chaos, and then she can profit from it.
So, in depth:
Whenever she lies or you find out about her lying, speak the truth to the parties involved. If they don't believe you, don't get flustered, and don't try to go "proving" it to them. What is important is making sure that the truth stays on the radar, so to speak. If someone accusses you of lying, don't try to defend yourself or get flustered. Simply say, "believe what you want."(It's not like you can actually change someone's belief without their consent anyway.
2. The covetousness -- If she takes something that belongs to you without your consent, that's theft. Don't bother threatening to call the police, she won't believe you. Just do it. Report the theft if you want your stuff back. Usually, a first offense is simple court time and probation, but a second offense, at least in texas, is a mandatory arrest. And a third time is a felony, so that should put a stop to her theft quickly.
3. Cunning -- Every time she drops a line about her suffering, interrupt her and say "I don't believe that. You have plenty of money.", or whatever it is she is "suffering" from. It doesn't matter if there are people around or if your in private. Just correct her every time she drops a line. Directly, and quickly.
4. Parasitic -- If she asks you for money, say "no" and then walk away. If she persists or gives reasons why she needs it, ask her to leave. If she refuses to leave, and she's on your property, report it as a criminal trespass and let the cops deal with her. Or, if she refuses to leave, and you're somewhere else, then simply leave yourself. But don't argue with her, and don't try to convince her why you won't give her the money. You said "no". There is nothing more to be said.
5. Get's off on screwing people -- Don't try to convince or talk your way out of anything. If you are innocent, let your deeds speak for themselves, and she will look like the manipulative one.
6. Totally irresponsible -- this one is her problem. It can infuriate you and others, who will then try to change her. Don't try to change her irresponsibility. You can feel compassion towards her mistakes, fine. But don't judge her irresponsibility. Don't label it good or bad, and certainly don't ignore it. Simply observe it, and then observe what comes next.
Last but not least, she's going to try and find ways to combat you. Just keep things simple and don't even try to negotiate. Don't give her anything to work with. Don't spend time with her(when possible), and don't give her any information at all about yourself, or other people. But most of all, don't judge anyof this, or anything about this, as good or bad, and do not ignore it. Just observe it, and then observe what comes next.
That's the best advice I can give.
For dealing with the experience in meditation, consider cultivating metta for the emotional content itself, rather than for your sister. That is cultivate loving-kindness for the anger, hatred and contempt as they arise. This seems to work really well.
Specific tactics probably aren't going to help so much as long as you're still mad at her, and once you're not, the way forward will probably be clearer.
Why do they make you suffer?
You're mindful that she is deceitful, so take what she says with a grain of salt. That shouldn't cause suffering.
As for her theft, you said "Me and my other sister used to have to put locks or hide our things" Do you still live with her? or give her the opportunity to steal from you? It sounds like this was in the past.
"All she has: car, TV, furniture, was gotten through either litigation or 'tactics'. " But how much from you? You're mindful of her ways so I can't imagine you falling into that trap again.
Don't put yourself in anymore positions to get "screwed"
I think most of your suffering could be relieved by just letting go.
Your sister and you may have had some problems in the past, just let go of it. Every day is a new day, every moment a new moment.
I also have to agree with Fivebells. Focus on the emotion.
I highly recommend the the book Evil Genes by Barbara Oakley. It sounds like your sister really is a sociopath or at the very least suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder.
Love & Peace
Joe