Attachment

TransientTom

greetings everyone I am new to this forum but have browsed various buddhist forums in the past. Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read this thread.

A bit about me, i have been aware of the dharma for nearly a year now, trying to practice with varied results and dedication over this period of time. Before finding buddhism I was a firm atheist and strongly opinionated. I understand many of the concepts of buddhism, but my problem seems to be acting on this knowledge in a strict manner. My medication is sometimes non-existent and I start to fall of the rails so to speak now and again.

Anyway, this thread is concerns attachment. I know attachment to pretty much anything is negative, be it material or a person, it is still negative. 3 years ago i met a girl who I fell in love with. It was not selfish, it was a mutual relationship that was built on a foundation of communication and respect. She moved away after a year or so back to italy for varied reasons and we tried to maintain the relationship. I know that this woman is someone so special to me because i did not look at another girl, let alone feel the need for a partner in the time she had moved away. We spoke on the net up to 8 hours a day for many months without getting bored. After a while though, something took over my mind. jealousy, paranoia and many afflictive emotions entered my life. I became aware of attachment. it started to ruin my life some what, so I spoke to her one day and explained how i cannot have her in my life in this way. She accepted this, but i went back after some days. i repeated this process many many times until finally i managed to stay away. I am pretty much over this attachment with her now, i still love her as much as i ever did but i am ok with how things are. should we not love each and ever being the same....

But finally, i come to my main point. Since this ex of mine, i have not cared for relationships and i am not the type of guy who sleeps around, so i have been without any contact with a girl in this sense. It truly did not bother me as i had built an opinion based around attachment and relationships. Then an old friend of mine who had moved away 3 years ago came back and messaged me on facebook. We had only been friends before she moved away, but i had always admired her. She is just really unique, pretty and genuine. But anyway, we got talking and i noticed that i had started to slide towards wanting and maybe being in a new relationship. I have mixed feelings about it. For one I kind of know that it is inevitable that it will cause suffering, dukkha. Also I am anxious because I have been out of the loop for so long so it is a bit difficult. But at the same time i wouldn't mind getting to know her more.. I have already noticed signs of my mental state and mood changing. For example, i sometimes await a message from her and am sometimes occupied thinking of her. i can see this attachment growing, but what to do!?? is it even possible to be in a relationship and not become attached.. thank for your time sangha, take care and any replies will be highly gratified metta

federica

You've got the idea of attachment completely wrong.

There's nothing wrong with attachment.
As laypeople the Buddha encouraged family life and offered guidelines.
The point of attachment is to realise that we must go through it.
And to face it with acceptance, but whilst we love, to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally, and with Wisdom and Compassion.

There's nothing wrong with being in love, being with someone and staying with them.
(This poor girl, what a mess you made of her head!)

Non-attachment is merely understanding and realising that all things come, go and pass.
It doesn't mean that we shouldn't get attached. it means we shouldn't get attached to attachment.
You don't purposely create detachment. Quite the opposite.
You co-exist with others in the most loving, joyful, altruistic and compassionate way you can.
And that means knowing that one day - in whatever way necessary - we must let them go.

But not by shoving them out the door and playing them like a yo-yo.

This is just an indication of your own complete confusion.

Hope this clears it up!!

TransientTom

thanks a lot federica it has made things that much clearer to me. It may sound quite bad, but if you knew the entire situation between me and this person, you will see i have not been playing her like a yo-yo. There are several things that have gone on and it wasn't me deciding entirely if we should still communicate or have each other there. It was a mutual understanding. Also, the distance made me question many things considering her which I normally would not have done previous to her departure.

But yes, I see now that to understand attachment, things pass as easily as they arouse in the first place. I think though, for whatever reason I get jealous easily or paranoid in relationships now a days. I never use to be this way, it seems to have happened ever since my ex moved away. It is why I am so dubious about getting involved with someone again in such a way. It causes suffering for me and the person in question. I guess I just have to evaluate everything at present. Thanks again federica

AllbuddhaBound

I once heard it called the Drama Sutra. You have let your story telling mind ruin your relationship. If you want to practice doing away with attachment, this is the one I would suggest rather than people in your life.

Brigid

TransientTom wrote: »

thanks a lot federica it has made things that much clearer to me. It may sound quite bad, but if you knew the entire situation between me and this person, you will see i have not been playing her like a yo-yo. There are several things that have gone on and it wasn't me deciding entirely if we should still communicate or have each other there. It was a mutual understanding. Also, the distance made me question many things considering her which I normally would not have done previous to her departure.

But yes, I see now that to understand attachment, things pass as easily as they arouse in the first place. I think though, for whatever reason I get jealous easily or paranoid in relationships now a days. I never use to be this way, it seems to have happened ever since my ex moved away. It is why I am so dubious about getting involved with someone again in such a way. It causes suffering for me and the person in question. I guess I just have to evaluate everything at present. Thanks again federica

Hi, Tom.

You seem to understand that your confused mind is messing things up for you and causing suffering for you and others but it seems you're not sure how this is happening, or why. I'm no expert on Buddhism or relationships but I can definitely relate to what you're saying. It was largely the suffering from a failed romantic relationship that led me to Buddhism in the first place and Buddhism taught me how and where I was going wrong with my thinking.

As Fede said, accepting that all things by their very nature are impermanent and unsatisfactory can reduce our suffering considerably. It certainly did mine. When it comes to romantic relationships we may get a long time in which to say goodbye or we may have to let the person go quite suddenly. We never know. Preparing ourselves for that inevitability is important if we wish to decrease the suffering for everyone involved. That doesn't mean we dwell on the fact that it's going to end. It means that we understand and accept that there's nothing anyone can do about it. It's the nature of reality. We might as well enjoy the person's company while we have it and say all the things that need saying in case we turn around and they're suddenly gone forever.

This acceptance is helpful during the relationship too because it allows us to relax instead of constantly worrying about holding on to the person. It helps us to see reality more clearly. We know and accept that we have a finite time with this person which helps us let go of petty annoyances in the relationship and reminds us to appreciate the person for who they are at any given moment (because they are constantly changing, just like everything else, just like we are). We can relax and live fully in the moment without that vague, nagging fear of loss dogging at our heels.

It also helps to know when we're thinking in selfish, egoistic ways about the relationship. For example, some of us have a tendency to look for validation as a desirable human being through relationships instead of cultivating a healthy respect and love for ourselves whether we're in a relationship or not. That's a dangerous way to go through life because we're investing far too much of our happiness and self-image in something that is completely unsure, unreliable, and impermanent. At the back of our minds we may be thinking, "I love the way my partner makes me feel about myself. She/he makes me feel desirable and worthy of love. I feel better about myself when I'm with her/him. I feel strong and confident, loved and appreciated." This is selfish thinking and it makes us needy and grasping in relationships, living in fear that if the relationship fails we ourselves will somehow be lesser people for it, not as desirable or attractive to others, not as worthy of love and attention and respect. We become easily jealous and possessive because of that fear, because so much of who we think we are is dependent upon that relationship.

So it's not just attachment to the actual person that's the problem, it's our attachment to the (completely false) self-view we've created by being in the relationship itself and as long as we're thinking in selfish ways this will happen no matter who we're seeing. It really isn't about them. It's about us.

What we need is a firm understanding and acceptance of the impermanent and uncertain nature of all things, i.e. relationships, people, ourselves, ideas, opinions, beliefs, self-view, etc. We also need to develop a more realistic and independent view of ourselves so we can stop thinking in selfish ways. Being in a romantic relationship doesn't make us better or more desirable human beings. Some of the meanest, most psycho/spiritually unhealthy and undesirable people in the world have been in relationships (and I know this because I was their better half. )

Of the Three Characteristics of All Things (all phenomena), you already know something about dukkha. Now you just have to work on anicca (impermanence) and anatta (not-self). The more you understand and accept these two things, the less suffering you and your partner will experience. In other words, when you feel just as good about yourself when you're not in a relationship as when you are, you will suffer less and cause less suffering to your partner because you won't be feeling that desperate dependence on them and on the relationship to make you feel good about yourself.

I hope that makes some sense. As I said, I'm no expert. These are just a few things that helped me get a handle on the whole romantic relationship-ego minefield thing.

Brigid

Oh, and welcome to the site by the way.

aaki

TransientTom wrote: »

For example, i sometimes await a message from her and am sometimes occupied thinking of her. i can see this attachment growing, but what to do!?? is it even possible to be in a relationship and not become attached.. thank for your time sangha, take care and any replies will be highly gratified metta

These sort of destructive mental habits and emotions come from strongly grasping to persons (including yourself) as if they were a self.

For example believing and relating to yourself as though you and or your mental and physical parts were unchanging, fixed, self-destined, self-contained, etc. In other words, as though there was a little "you" inside yourself that runs the show.

TransientTom

thank you everyone, you all make valid and interesting points. It has put things into a clearer perspective for sure. Sometimes it takes outside opinions and views to make one see the full picture.

Although I would say that my ex did make me feel good and happy, this was not the only reason or even the main reason why I liked her so much. It was more of a connection thing, a fact of being able to communicate and understand each other on a unique level. But as many of you have stated, change is inevitable, nothing is permanent in this life and one has to accept this. Thanks again, namaste

skullchin

I find it odd that no one has linked to any books on Buddhist wisdom and dating. Is there nothing out there?