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Buddhism & Grief
Good evening friends.
My wife passed away 4 weeks ago this afternoon after a well fought battle with cancer....she was 55.
I believe I am going through the grieving process in a healthy manner so this post isn't meant to alram anyone.
I would like a Buddhist perspective on grieving the loss of a loved one. I am far from enlightened and can't help but feel her loss because of my clinging and my attachment to the life we shared.
Are their any teachings that you know of that can help me view my loss from a lay Buddhist perspective?
I believe this is a time of profound growth for me on my Buddhist path - a gentle nudge in the right direction could be helpful.
Thank you.
My wife passed away 4 weeks ago this afternoon after a well fought battle with cancer....she was 55.
I believe I am going through the grieving process in a healthy manner so this post isn't meant to alram anyone.
I would like a Buddhist perspective on grieving the loss of a loved one. I am far from enlightened and can't help but feel her loss because of my clinging and my attachment to the life we shared.
Are their any teachings that you know of that can help me view my loss from a lay Buddhist perspective?
I believe this is a time of profound growth for me on my Buddhist path - a gentle nudge in the right direction could be helpful.
Thank you.
0
Comments
Sorry about your loss. I would suggest you read Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom.
Lots of wisdom in it.
With Metta
http://www.sacred-texts.com/bud/btg/btg85.htm
Now the idea isn't to be cold and indifferent so much, but rather to recognize the limitations of grieving. This is not meant to belittle one's honest emotions, but a call to be honest with yourself about the realities of them. A while back, I had some pretty negative things going on with my life and I started this thread in response:
http://newbuddhist.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1975
Once again, I'm not sure if that will resonate with your situation, but it's worth mentioning. One thing you may find helpful here is to do some metta bhavana (and make sure you don't skip the part where you offer loving-kindness to yourself). Here is a link to a comprehensive guide on metta-bhavana and another to audio instructions:
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta.htm
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta_vp.htm
Anyway, hope this is helpful.
http://integral-options.blogspot.com/2009/10/shambhala-sun-thich-nhat-hanh-on.html
He goes on in the next section about how we can use our negative states to progress along our paths:
Anyway, sorry about the length of these responses. They're just things that have helped me deal with the rough times in my life in a positive manner.
Best wishes
_/\_
My condolences sierrareef. I am sure this is a very trying time and it sounds like you have shared an exceptional life. To know how we may be of help, it sometimes helps to explore what you are saying to yourself about this loss. Can you give me an idea about what thoughts bring the most grief?
I don't mean to pry, but Buddhism is about truth and looking at the the thoughts we live with, can give some idea how best to help.
Namaste
I pray you both find peace
_/|\_
Susie
I pray the operation went well.
Be sure to let me know how she is.
_/|\_
Susie
Attachment is an interesting word. In Buddhism, the word is 'upadana', which means to 'carry a heavy burden'. It is probably a little different to the word in modern psychology, which means psychological connection between people.
The Buddha taught all conditioned things are impermanent, namely, subject to birth, aging, sickness & death. If our mind can penetrate & accept this reality, this does not mean we must battle with our love & the life we shared with another. To the contrary, we can cherish our love.
This is because attachment is not accepting loss (rather than the shared life between two human beings).
The Buddha offered the wisdom of impermanence, to manage the reality of loss. The Buddha also offered the cultivation of gratitude, to manage the love & appreciation in our heart.
In respect to parents, however applicable to all loved ones, the Buddha advised to make offerings & merit on their behalf after their deaths.
In respect to the universal human condition, the Buddha recommended Five Contemplations, whether one is a woman or a man, lay or ordained.
Peace for you
DDhatu
The married life & aging of Nakulapita in the Samajivina & Nakulapita Suttas may also be worth reading.
You've explained that a bit clearer for me than ive tried to read it before.
Thank you
Not1not2, I'll be viewing your recommendations after work today. Thank you.
Allbuddhabound - I'll try to answer your question to the best of my ability. I have found 3 areas of grief that are particularly hard for me.
First, my sorrow for her. My image of her the last few days of her life, her body struggling to survive while she was lost mentally to us during her "comfort care" treatment. And my sorrow for her missing this life's further adventures - our retirements, watching our grandchildren grow.
Second, it's the lack of her physical presense - someone to wake up to, go to bed with and to come home to.
Finally, it's the ever-growing gap between her life and today. It is growing at a rapid rate and that gives me pain. My sister-in-law said it best when her mother passed - it feels inside like the world should stop and allow you to adjust, but it doesn't. Still, while your numb and trying to learn your new life, time blasts forward and drags you with it - opening the chasm between now and the time you had with your loved one.
I've been studying Buddhism for little more than 2 years. I feel I know the logic of the teachings but logic doesn't always calm the emotions.
Are there any teachers, or masters or advanced practioners who have experienced the loss of a wife, or of a child. If so, how did you work through your process?
I am very young and have never lost anyone truely close to me. I will always remember this though, and when it is my turn to drink from that cup I hope to be as prepared as you are.
First of all, my deepest condolences. There are really no words. This is, for anyone who has not been there, unknown territory.
I can only share my own experience: my darling wife died 10 years ago, aged 45, of breast cancer. We had fought the disease for only three years. The pain will, I think, never fully go, although it does arise less often now and I have been blessed by another, understanding and loving marriage, just as she wanted - and as I felt, at the time, I would never want again.
I have no easy advice. Some things helped me: a wise anam cara (soul friend), a G.P. who reminded me that I was not to expect recovery for at least 2 years, a 9-year-old son to bring up and one book: A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis, where he chronicles his own journey through the same experience.
The only secret is to KBO, as Churchill said (Keep Buggering On). There will be pain, anger, denial, bargaining, depression - the whole package. Do not, I urge you, try to be "strong and silent". Experience what you experience because resisting or repressing will only make things worse: these are waves of the sea which wash over us.
In any way I can help, please P.M. me.
Hi Sierra,
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
Contemplating impermanence and interdependence may offer you some comfort and confidence in the nature of life, death and loss.
Also, practice might help you with the process.
There are many different practices you can do to help yourself and your wife.
If you are interested let me know and I will give you a few examples.
Kind regards,
Dazzle
What you are feeling right now, on the loss of your wife is a process that you can only pass through, over time. You cannot find any short cuts. But it does get easier with time.
I imagine right now that you feel like someone has cut out your heart without using any anesthesia to numb the pain. This is normal.
Don’t try to make sense of it. And do, when you feel up to it, share your feelings with someone close to you.
One thing that finally gave me some comfort, after losing my father/my best friend was that I began to see that I had not entirely lost him. He had become so much a part of who I was, that I was in a way, “me and him.” So in a way, he lived on in me.
I hope this helps a little bit, if not now, sometime soon.
You are not alone,
S9
A good explanation is here: mp3 of Jeffrey Hopkins, PhD
Also, Dr Alexander Berzin has this to say:
The last paragraph is particularly meaningful. Realizing that the destruction of a thing is caused by the simple fact that the thing was produced in the first place is an extraordinary insight. That's the main gist of Vaibhashika anatta/selflessness. It quickly dispels all unrealistic modes of thinking which cause much of our suffering.
Fivebells - I hope your mother's surgery went well. The cancer journey can be a hard one but it can also bring many blessings. If I can be of service to you, caregiver to caregiver, I'm at your disposal.
Simonthepilgrim - Thank you for sharing.
shenpen nangwa - I would be interested in the practices you mention - please tell me more.
aaki - Thank you - I also found that last paragraph to be very powerful and very helpful.
Again, thank you all. You've given me many thoughts to ponder. I hope peace and happiness for you all.
Hi Sierra,
A meditation practice that is often done for those who have passed away is the meditation and mantra of Buddha Amitabha.
Here is a link for a short and inexpensive sadhana (prayer book) that includes the liturgy and mantra.
http://www.namsebangdzo.com/Amitabha_Short_Sadhana_p/10136.htm
this practice can be done and at the end one dedicates it to all beings and in particular those who have passed away. it is of course beneficial for the individual doing the practice as well.
My heart goes out to you both. I'm sending my deepest wishes for strength, peace, and acceptance, during these times of great difficulty. May your suffering grow less and less every day.
My condolences on your loss. I lost my mother to cancer a few years back, which is not quite the same, I know.
As far as dealing with loss and grief, Pema Chodron is my favorite teacher in this area (try "When Things Fall Apart" or "Start Where You Are"). I have learned a lot from her gentle and compassionate wisdom.
In my own experience, allowing myself to feel the pain, the loss, the grief, the absence, and all the other feelings that come with the death of someone we love is crucial to getting through the experience. The more we can open our hearts to the pain, the quicker the psyche can heal and regain its balance. Certainly, this is easier than it sounds. Breathing through the pain allows to feel it without becoming attached to it. If we can breathe through it, it will move through us without getting stuck.
You will get through this period of mourning, and you will still hold her your heart, no matter the time that passes.
One other thing that has helped me - when we can see the crises in our lives (and the loss of a loved one is one of the worst crises we will face in our lives) as an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, to grow and transform - in essence, to see this period in your life as one of transition and less as one of loss, though certainly it is loss - we develop the ability to see the pain as an experience, and not as who we are as human beings.
Again, my sincere hope is for your eventual peace of heart.
Bill
My man, you are not alone. Many, no, all of us are touched at some time in our lives by profound grief. Your path is one of transformation now - as a survivor. Some think transformation means metamorphosis into some saintly form - I see it as learning to live, bear the awful pain and not let it drag you down or sweep you away. In Tibetan Buddhism death is respected as one of the most important moments in one's life. Tibetan Buddhists perform ritual prayers for the deceased every seven days after death up until the forty ninth day upon which a Jangwa Puja may be performed by a lama. It is a skillful tantric purification ritual associated with Medicine Buddha with the intention of assisting the deceased with transition to realms beyond life. And finally, Phowa ritual is done with the intention of transferring the consciousness of the deceased to a pure land. This explanation is paraphrased and you can get more detailed information easily on the internet. It is a beautiful ritual and a beautiful way to perform an act with the intention of helping the lost loved one even beyond this life. Annually, upon the death date, a lama can perform Mahaparita, a commemorative prayer for the deceased loved one. Another ritual and a way to stay connected in life. Zen temples perform these rituals also, so this is not limited to Tibetan Buddhists. These things I have done in memory of my beloved 21 year old son who died just twenty three months ago. As my wife and I approach the two year mark our grief has not subsided - but it is changing ever so slightly - softening around the edges. Grief rituals are important for we who survive. You have my sincere condolences for your loss.