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Relationship Help?
Dear all,
I have a life dilemma that I hope someone can help or guide me with.
I have been a practicing Buddhist for the last 6 months or so.
What steered me to Buddhism was losing the love of my life. I had so many personal issues, attachments, judgments and anger for so many people due to my of suffering and my ignorance to that suffering.
My partner after 3 1/2 years had to leave me as she couldn't help with my personal struggle as I was so difficult for all around me. We have been apart for half a year but still kept in contact.
I met another women who I thought may be right for me in the midst of my confusion over my last relationship. I am now seeing that maybe she is not. Unfortunately because I am more loving and kinder than ever before she is very much in love with me and also I do care for her.
My previous partner has seen first hand the transformation in me from my study and refuge in the Dharma and wants to be back with me again in a relationship. She sais she is truley in love with me and had to leave for my sake and always knew that I was as kind as I am now showing and wants the spend her life with me.
My dillema is that I never stopped loving her as I had no reason to even though she left me. And I have forgiven her for leaving and hold no ill-will from that incident. I would maybe never have discovered Buddhism and made the positive transition if she haden't left me to sort myself out.
I know that I should never willing inflict any hurt emotionally on anyone and this is my problem. I am in a catch 22 as that I know my ex is hurting because I am not there and I know that if i made the decision to go back to her I would hurt my current partner but if I don't go back to her I hurt her. Either way I do not want to hurt anyone but I know where the love in heart lies.
I really need some guidence into what I should do here, leave someone and hurt them? or not go back to the other and hurt them?
I also have a daughter who is 8 years old to consider in this so it is not all down to my happinesss. I feel i would be selfish making a decision that would make me happy and hurt someone else and I really don't know what is the best course of action to resolve the problem.
I really hope someone can give me some advise here it would greatly be appreciated.
Kind regards,
Steve
I have a life dilemma that I hope someone can help or guide me with.
I have been a practicing Buddhist for the last 6 months or so.
What steered me to Buddhism was losing the love of my life. I had so many personal issues, attachments, judgments and anger for so many people due to my of suffering and my ignorance to that suffering.
My partner after 3 1/2 years had to leave me as she couldn't help with my personal struggle as I was so difficult for all around me. We have been apart for half a year but still kept in contact.
I met another women who I thought may be right for me in the midst of my confusion over my last relationship. I am now seeing that maybe she is not. Unfortunately because I am more loving and kinder than ever before she is very much in love with me and also I do care for her.
My previous partner has seen first hand the transformation in me from my study and refuge in the Dharma and wants to be back with me again in a relationship. She sais she is truley in love with me and had to leave for my sake and always knew that I was as kind as I am now showing and wants the spend her life with me.
My dillema is that I never stopped loving her as I had no reason to even though she left me. And I have forgiven her for leaving and hold no ill-will from that incident. I would maybe never have discovered Buddhism and made the positive transition if she haden't left me to sort myself out.
I know that I should never willing inflict any hurt emotionally on anyone and this is my problem. I am in a catch 22 as that I know my ex is hurting because I am not there and I know that if i made the decision to go back to her I would hurt my current partner but if I don't go back to her I hurt her. Either way I do not want to hurt anyone but I know where the love in heart lies.
I really need some guidence into what I should do here, leave someone and hurt them? or not go back to the other and hurt them?
I also have a daughter who is 8 years old to consider in this so it is not all down to my happinesss. I feel i would be selfish making a decision that would make me happy and hurt someone else and I really don't know what is the best course of action to resolve the problem.
I really hope someone can give me some advise here it would greatly be appreciated.
Kind regards,
Steve
0
Comments
You will hurt your current partner more if you continue in a relationship in which you are not emotionally present. Be honest with her even though it may seem difficult. When she eventually finds a more compatible partner she will likely be quite grateful.
Thank you, I had told my previous partner I was still in love with her but she couldn't take me back there and then as she needed more time, I felt that she would never come back to me and was devastated. I started a new relationship wrongly or rightly and then she admitted that she still loved me and that she did want to take me back all along but needed space to think. She finds an emptiness now that I am not there.
Steve
I understand that we can try and limit the damage / suffering and your right i'm not perfect, none of us are. Perhaps you are correct in that showing loving and compassion even in the situation of a breakup may limit the hurt and I certainly want to stay away from an unwholesome relationship as it is false as you say.
Many thanks.
The point of Buddhist practice is peace. It is not the avoidance of pain. Genrally speaking, the only way past pain is through it.
Many thanks, you hit the nail on the head regarding #1's rejection and my discovery of the Dharma.
You have given me some more insight into my situation.
metta.
A relationship isn’t just how you feel, or how the other person feels, but it is often the mix of both of you. This is not just how you both feel, either, but also who you both are as individuals.
For instance, have you considered the fact that you may be kind and gentle in this new relationship, which you are now in, because you two are a better match as life partners.
(Putting aside the fact that you are more strongly drawn to your first love.) It may actually be something like a moth being drawn to a flame.
I would say in a circumstance of this kind, it would be wise not to act with passion, in other words, to act rashly. Take your time, and really feel this situation out. (I'm talking 6 months.)
I am not saying that I am correct in this, only that it is something to consider.
Long relationships most often include friendship. Which woman is more your friend, and how is she your friend, or even why? Who actually loves you as you are, and not just who she thinks that she can make you into?
I have heard of people who have married/divorced, and married again, only to divorce again. Talk about a roller coaster ride. You may very well love someone that you cannot live with.
It is wisdom to examine every aspect of your relationship, and to move cautiously. After all, this is not so easy as picking your favorite donut.
Remember this also; relationship isn’t a pretend thing. You discover it. You do not manufacture it out of shoulds.
Breathe deeply and approach this from a calm center,
S9
This is exceptionally true. Not only must one take the path through it they would likely benefit from experiencing it fully and understanding it's source.
It is easy to fall into the trap of thinking that we should be detached from feelings but as physical entities that is not practical. Ignoring anything allows it to grow. Negative circumstances must be acknowledged and addressed if they are to be resolved.
You are, of course, right. We cannot ignore our emotions, and expect to live wisely.
But, it would be equally a mistake to put our emotions in the driver's seat. So, once again we are speaking of the “Middle Way,” between emotion and intellect.
Let us also remember that, a good deal of Buddhism speaks to living skillfully. This requires us to take one step back from our passions, as they can roar like white water on a river, and to train this instrument that we call our mind.
Respectfully,
S9
Thanks all for your input.
Steve
I think it's best to do things in the open, not behind closed doors. If you inform your current partner of this it's going to sting, but if you don't tell her and reflect on it and decide that she is not best for your peace she is going to have more questions then it is wise to anwser in the haste of the emotional moment.
Just a thought, but if I were in your current partners shoes I would want to be informed. If she reacts in a negitive way you have your answer and in the long run it will be better for her because it will be her idea to walk away.
again, just a thought
You are correct S9. The "Middle Way" is the optimal path. But since the path is not grooved and external forces buffett us from side to side we will waver. This is where I have found the meditation practice to be most beneficial. It affords us the opportunity to return to this center and middle path.
At first it seems paradoxical but under further investigation it becomes rather evident that our emotions are most likely to take the driver's seat if they are unacknowledged or unexamined. If they become too powerful our intellect will be of no match.
There is a lot to think about.
Namaste
I couldn’t agree with you more. Meditation gives us something to hold onto (for dear life), when the winds are blowing so hard that they could easily knock us off our feet, or even blow us out of the park.
I have a meditation that I carry with me everywhere, and use it almost constantly in good times, and in bad. I watch my breath.
This tiny practice calms both my body, and my mind, so that it is almost like a protective shield between me, and suffering. Yet, breath doesn’t actually interfere with my participating in my life. I do so to a very large extent, and even more openly as well.
In fact, I might easily say that, I am more open to life than I was previous to watching my breath, as I have been freed up, to a big extent, from my fear of possible suffering. I trust my breath to protect me from my own foolishness.
I first started carrying my breath with me, all of the time, when I ran across a quote by a Christian Mystic, Brother Lawrence.
He said, “Pray constantly.”
Watching my breath IS my prayer.
You are correct in this as well. There is no doubt that you can replace one thought that is not working well, or working anymore, with one that is more efficient for your welfare.
But, consider this also, if you will. Some ideas are just old habits that have outgrown their usefulness. These habitual ideas can simply be thrown away without too much lingering over them, or investigating deeply into them, ruminating again and again.
Don't worry about being too hasty in throwing these outworn, habitual ideas away. If they are truly important, or relevant to your present life, and they actually do require your help in some way; you can bet that they will return, and ask for help once again.
But, in this way, separating what is necessary from what is no longer necessary, you will not be over whelmed in the land of emotional turmoil and investigation. Simplify!
Choose wisely what you honor with your attention, and your time. Every thought and emotion need not be honored equally.
Warm regards,
S9
point them in the direction of Dharma, and cut them loose,
all of them.
to be fair and free, give up these attachments. But give them a means to understand why, (Buddhism) you might want to do this.
This is I guess not the "middle path" its more of the harder path..might not be for you.. it may be the most efficient, compassionate and ruthless kind of way.. I guess this would be only for people who are willing to lose everything to Buddhism.
If I were you, and had to come up with a INSTANT answer.. right now, in 30 seconds,
use this formula,
"what's best for the daughter, who is my main concern"
I don't have kids yet, but I imagine when I do, MY life will be dedicated to them, my only desires I will be concerned with, will be their well being.
My concerns about my love life will continue AFTER I have security and a calm stable existence + state of mind.
maybe they need you, one more than the other, or maybe they would be better off without you? hmmm?:cool:
My suggestion would be to keep your daughter's long term welfare in mind and choose whichever partner will be best for a harmonious family life.
Obviously one of the women will feel rejected, but it is better to make a decision than keep them both hanging on.
Kind wishes,
Dazzle
I have told them both I need time out to try and understand my true feelings before I can make any decisions as to what is best for me and my daughter.
Many thanks for all the input so far as it is good to get external opinions to take into consideration.
metta.
I saw a movie some time back, about a fellow who had problems with his relationships. I think he was in AA. So, this is not a direct analogy of your problems.
What I did find interesting was that, although he was having troubles relating well, and didn't understand what was causing his problem, he was going to jump right back into a relationship with another woman because being alone (with himself) was too uncomfortable. (A sign right there.)
Anyway, his sponsor said that he should start with a plant and see if he could remember to keep it watered, (AKA keep it alive.) After that he could try a dog.
At first sight this may seem a little silly. But, is it? Intimacy is not easy. It is the PhD of relationships.
I was married in 1961 and am still learning.
Love yourself first,
S9