Welcome home! Please contact lincoln@icrontic.com if you have any difficulty logging in or using the site. New registrations must be manually approved which may take several days. Can't log in? Try clearing your browser's cookies.
How do I?
I worry about everything. Things I can't control. How do I detach myself so that I may be happy. Example: I worry about my brother. I can't control anything that happens to him or what he does. But I worry and get upset about it often. I need to know how I can love him and be there for him but be happy in my own life, apart from what is going on in his. Please help me understand.
0
Comments
Level 1: Getting Started
ACI Courses
In my experience, when I did not understand clearly what skilful action was, I had a tendency to worry about others when they acted unskilfully, ie, in ways that harmed themselves.
That was beause I was also inwardly confused.
But when I learned what skilful action was, I tended to worry less about others and even be in harmony when they were troubled, even if I could not help them. But when I could help them, I could do so by showing empathy & understanding with their situation and direct them towards their goals.
Often, our worry comes from our inability to comprehend & understand what another person is going through & why.
Kind regards
DDhatu
Welcome to the site.
I live with my aging parents and I want them to have as much happiness as possible in their golden years so I do what I can to that end. They've been together for nearly 60 years and like most couples they argue sometimes. When I hear them bickering I sometimes intervene and do my best to act as a moderator so the disagreement or misunderstanding can be worked out.
But sometimes I'm just not up to that job. Sometimes I've got my own problems to think about and I just don't have the strength and clarity of mind to help anyone else. When I hear them bickering away and I'm not feeling up to intervening it helps to remind myself that they are adults and their arguments are their own responsibility. If they can't work it out on their own they'll just have to suffer the consequences which is what we all must do at various times.
I don't take responsibility for their happiness. That's in their hands. Just as my happiness is in mine. All I can do is try to be a calming presence and moderator/interpreter to facilitate understanding between them when I'm feeling up to it. I remind myself that that's not my responsibility, it's just something extra I can bring to their lives sometimes.
If an argument went right off the rails and there was some risk of actual harm to either of them, I would immediately intervene to stop the escalation. But luckily that doesn't happen anymore. When I hear them bickering mostly what I do is yell from my room, "Shad uuuuuuupp! You're upsetting the children!" and then they start laughing.
Keep in mind that everything up till this point is just watching - you haven't effected the worry at all. But then, you may get to a point where you are so familiar with the inner process that ends up in a worry that you will spot the circumstance that should cause it before it happens. When you start predicting the worry, and are familiar with the inner process that creates it, then you are at a point where you can stop the process.
But it may be much harder than that. It may seem strange but it seems people are attached to their own worry. It's like they feel the worry is important, justified and necessary (in the unconscious, even when they logically conclude they don't want the worry). It may be like giving something up, releasing it, letting go.
Also be gentle with yourself. Like someone above said, don't worry about worrying. Allowing yourself to be itself allows you to see it more clearly.
Well that's my take. I'm kind of an analytical person so my approach to every problem is to analyze the death out of it. I'm not sure that this approach as anything to do with Buddhism, for what its worth.
First of all, I believe that you realize at some level that your worrying doesn’t help your brother in any way, and it is hurting you. So why do you do it, and continue to do it, even when you see this?
Every behavior that we do has a payback of some kind. In other words, we are getting something that we either want or need out of any behavior that we continue to do.
For instance, perhaps, you are telling your self at some subliminal level, that worrying about your brother proves that you care about him and/or that being a caring person, you have to worry. Can you see that this kind of thinking is a circle of misery?
We do not clear up problems like this one, worrying, by forcing our selves to stop. (A should.) Stopping behavior of any kind is an ‘outcome’ of seeing clearly, just what we are doing and what the outcome is, because of it…
The outcome is suffering.
I would suggest that you try meditation of some kind to calm your mind, as a calm mind is a clear and efficient mind. I personal often just concentrate on my breath, watching it. This gives me the little bit off distance that I need, not to fall into my emotional foolishness.
Over time, a small thing like watching your breath can works wonders in your life. (Such a small investment, for such a large gain.)
You’ll be surprised,
S9