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A story of a hungry ghost..confession.
I have to confess this, I knew it was wrong at the time, but hear me out..
There is this guy..who is mentally handicapped, who patrols around my neighborhood diligently each day.
He delights in knowing people, one day I got to know him a bit, he liked me, I gave him my phone number... he called a couple of times shortly after and I spoke to him..but it was...hard to speak to a handicapped guy..
(I really like him though I think he is cool, and I give him mad respect)
...it's just. eventually I decided to ignore his calls, because he would call several times a day to strike up a SUPER irrelevant and no joke...Retarded.. conversation....
anyway this guy always seems to find me at places, everyone else says the same thing,
"this guy will just FIND YOU"..and strike a conversation with you.. he happens to be an older black man lol of probably 35- 45,
once I was with my Dad at a coffee shop and he just found me and walked up to us and started a REALLY awkward conversation about; bitches, hoes, drugs, "sluts" from my school at the time.., you can imagine my Dad wondering "wtf?!, how do you possibly know this guy and wtf is he talking about?!, should I call the police?!!?"
Anyway!!! I explained to my Dad afterward and he gave me props for being nice to a handicapped person...
I haven't seen him or encountered him for about a year or so, and just today!..
THE WEIRDEST thing happened, I was waiting for my bus to work at a bus depot (you know where all the buses start or finish their line) and I was cold from running to catch the bus, I had missed my first bus, so I had to run to the depot, about 3 miles away in 15 minutes, ...I kind of had to be athletic...I did it though, through cold and a mild snow..
When I got there I felt like shit... I decided to put on my hood...a big hood one of those Siberia type jackets... you know...
And then I got too hot 15 minutes later, removed my hood and there he was , right next to me eating a bag of cheetos or... whatever the fuck he was eating...he was staring RIGHT AT ME..on the seat next to me...I could feel his GAZE eager to make eye contact.....
I was like Jesus Christ! there he is, ITS HIM!!
(the guy who every time I'm at the bus depot I hope I don't meet
<even though that's bullshit, I like the guy it's just weird>.)
but... I was reading some buddhist suttas, at the time, lol ironic..
and I realized
he wasn't sure if he recognized me,
it's been at least a year or two since I've encountered him..
I've gotten older, changed...etc...
but he was sitting there looking right AT me eating cheetos or chips...
like IN MY FACE next to me...
trying to see or trying to provoke..... if I'd look over and recognize him
and the part I'm sorry about is... I pretended not to know him..
to ignore him..
I was reading buddhist suttas at the time!!! FUCK ME
...And I KNEW like.... I will regret not acknowledging this guy, it's wrong to ignore him even though he knows: "it's me- ignoring him"..
the thing is, this guy will follow you home,
he will ask your phone number,
he will find out where you live
and ring your door bell to hang out with you...
he once came to my work place looking for me, since i told him a place I was working at..
the manager told me that...; on my day off a big black guy came looking for me and the manager thought I was in trouble with some gangs or something LOL!!!!!!
But as an advanced Buddhist I admit I feel shame ...to have ignored him, I realized at the time I'd have to spend 20 minutes talking to this guy, it'd be embarrassing and such..I KNEW I'd regret it, I even KNEW I'd tell you guys about it, the 10 minutes or so he spent staring at me..
I feel like shit because out of all my friends I was the one in the past that defended this guy, all my friends lied and told this guy fake phone numbers, some told him to go fuck himself, some just avoided him completely...
I told him truth- it ended up being embarrassing for me, but I always thought this guy is a REAL Dharma teacher..like a dakini or bodhisatva in disguise...that my friends don't realize...
HIS story was apparently this, when he was YOUNG like 13 or 14, before I was even born, his older brother was involved in gang warfare...one day enemies came for his brother and he was there, the details are not accurate but they beat HIM ...with a baseball bat, they hit him good in the head a couple of times as well...
he wasn't always mentally handicapped..at around that age, he suffered blunt force trauma and is now ...a wandering hungry ghost, looking for friendship, suffering from speech problems, memory problems, delusions...
I'm such a fucking loser to have.. at first accepted him many years ago, thought of him as a dakini , and now I fear the embarrassment of talking to him...I...
I am not like other people. But I am in my weaknesses..
today I avoided him..for my ego, my lively hood, etc etc..
I feel like shit.. I knew I would..
I should have fucking talked to him....
I always thought I was one of the people he'd bother that ,
ACTUALLY didn't mind being bothered,
I thought I was high and mighty and the guy who would ACTUALLY be this guys friend.. no matter how embarrassing....etc...
but I fucked up
There is this guy..who is mentally handicapped, who patrols around my neighborhood diligently each day.
He delights in knowing people, one day I got to know him a bit, he liked me, I gave him my phone number... he called a couple of times shortly after and I spoke to him..but it was...hard to speak to a handicapped guy..
(I really like him though I think he is cool, and I give him mad respect)
...it's just. eventually I decided to ignore his calls, because he would call several times a day to strike up a SUPER irrelevant and no joke...Retarded.. conversation....
anyway this guy always seems to find me at places, everyone else says the same thing,
"this guy will just FIND YOU"..and strike a conversation with you.. he happens to be an older black man lol of probably 35- 45,
once I was with my Dad at a coffee shop and he just found me and walked up to us and started a REALLY awkward conversation about; bitches, hoes, drugs, "sluts" from my school at the time.., you can imagine my Dad wondering "wtf?!, how do you possibly know this guy and wtf is he talking about?!, should I call the police?!!?"
Anyway!!! I explained to my Dad afterward and he gave me props for being nice to a handicapped person...
I haven't seen him or encountered him for about a year or so, and just today!..
THE WEIRDEST thing happened, I was waiting for my bus to work at a bus depot (you know where all the buses start or finish their line) and I was cold from running to catch the bus, I had missed my first bus, so I had to run to the depot, about 3 miles away in 15 minutes, ...I kind of had to be athletic...I did it though, through cold and a mild snow..
When I got there I felt like shit... I decided to put on my hood...a big hood one of those Siberia type jackets... you know...
And then I got too hot 15 minutes later, removed my hood and there he was , right next to me eating a bag of cheetos or... whatever the fuck he was eating...he was staring RIGHT AT ME..on the seat next to me...I could feel his GAZE eager to make eye contact.....
I was like Jesus Christ! there he is, ITS HIM!!
(the guy who every time I'm at the bus depot I hope I don't meet
<even though that's bullshit, I like the guy it's just weird>.)
but... I was reading some buddhist suttas, at the time, lol ironic..
and I realized
he wasn't sure if he recognized me,
it's been at least a year or two since I've encountered him..
I've gotten older, changed...etc...
but he was sitting there looking right AT me eating cheetos or chips...
like IN MY FACE next to me...
trying to see or trying to provoke..... if I'd look over and recognize him
and the part I'm sorry about is... I pretended not to know him..
to ignore him..
I was reading buddhist suttas at the time!!! FUCK ME
...And I KNEW like.... I will regret not acknowledging this guy, it's wrong to ignore him even though he knows: "it's me- ignoring him"..
the thing is, this guy will follow you home,
he will ask your phone number,
he will find out where you live
and ring your door bell to hang out with you...
he once came to my work place looking for me, since i told him a place I was working at..
the manager told me that...; on my day off a big black guy came looking for me and the manager thought I was in trouble with some gangs or something LOL!!!!!!
But as an advanced Buddhist I admit I feel shame ...to have ignored him, I realized at the time I'd have to spend 20 minutes talking to this guy, it'd be embarrassing and such..I KNEW I'd regret it, I even KNEW I'd tell you guys about it, the 10 minutes or so he spent staring at me..
I feel like shit because out of all my friends I was the one in the past that defended this guy, all my friends lied and told this guy fake phone numbers, some told him to go fuck himself, some just avoided him completely...
I told him truth- it ended up being embarrassing for me, but I always thought this guy is a REAL Dharma teacher..like a dakini or bodhisatva in disguise...that my friends don't realize...
HIS story was apparently this, when he was YOUNG like 13 or 14, before I was even born, his older brother was involved in gang warfare...one day enemies came for his brother and he was there, the details are not accurate but they beat HIM ...with a baseball bat, they hit him good in the head a couple of times as well...
he wasn't always mentally handicapped..at around that age, he suffered blunt force trauma and is now ...a wandering hungry ghost, looking for friendship, suffering from speech problems, memory problems, delusions...
I'm such a fucking loser to have.. at first accepted him many years ago, thought of him as a dakini , and now I fear the embarrassment of talking to him...I...
I am not like other people. But I am in my weaknesses..
today I avoided him..for my ego, my lively hood, etc etc..
I feel like shit.. I knew I would..
I should have fucking talked to him....
I always thought I was one of the people he'd bother that ,
ACTUALLY didn't mind being bothered,
I thought I was high and mighty and the guy who would ACTUALLY be this guys friend.. no matter how embarrassing....etc...
but I fucked up
0
Comments
YOU have a heart of pure gold.
Thanks for sharing this.
Nirvy
my heart should not be a precious metal in which we attribute value. (metaphor) ty for the complement though...:cool:
In Taoism they say that,
"The Way having laid claimed to no merit,
is why...merit never deserts it"
But I didn't do right by this guy.
Who cares if I feel bad after,
t's about skillfully acting when the time comes,
and I FAILED horribly.
I always say
"remember my Buddhist training"
( which is my own self-meditation/training to remember my realizations.)
But this time, when action was called for.....I failed.
I reverted back to the old self...
to ignorance.
I'll tell you though my friends, the next time i see this guy I WILL not hesitate to engage him in conversation, I will be skillful about it, and I will end up feeling good about it at the end of the day, knowing I handled it skilfully, with love and compassion..
You're not alone, TF.... please believe me when I tell you that at one time or another, Life has presented itself before us and doused us with a huge bucket of cold water, with ice and lemon, thanks....and we've balked.
we've all messed up.
And we've all felt the way you feel, to a greater or lesser degree (Because it's individual, immeasurable and painful).
The most important thing - and really, I do emphasise this - is to not beat yourself up about it.
Acknowledge your actions, and resolve to do whatever you feel is right, the next time.
The judgement comes form you.
The solution comes form you.
But beating your brians out over it, is neither progressive, nor helpful.
You messed up.
You messed up good.
You messed up? Good!
Now un-mess.
Simple.
be well. :winkc:
Im actually more worried about the phrase "advanced buddhist"
A teacher i know, who has been a buddhist for 20+ years and been a monk for about 12 of those years, usually says the phrase: "beginners like us!" while he looks at the audience and points to himself
But that was a sidetrack - dont beat yourself up just because youre human - whats past is past, let it go and fokus on what you can do NOW to be a bit more loving, a bit more kind and a bit more compassionate. Being a wonderful human being like yourself doesnt meen your perfect - youre alowod to mess up - it doesnt make you any less a wonderful human to mess up. It actually only makes you better, when you realice your error
Much love
Allan
PS - or as i just noticed.... What Fede said lol
PPS: "Fede" in danish means "obese" *Blushes*
Not talking to this guy was ego. Beating yourself up, over not talking to this guy, is also ego.
You have split your mind up into two personalities, both the judged and the judge. You are both of these personalities, and both are these are ego.
Ego is a tricky vixen.
She’s certainly got you dancing.
Learn from both sides of this problem.
Q: “Vanity (AKA ego), vanity, all is vanity.” (Bible)
Sit back and watch…Clarity is made of just this.
Warm Regards,
S9
Sometimes its hard, Perhapes he's actually there to help you develop your patience and wisdom. try again.
I would look at the story this way: you didn't do your Hungry Ghost any harm by depriving him of a little love since his appetite for love cannot be sated, but you did yourself harm by experiencing the withholding of love.
In the future I would aspire to just give him a little love while withholding your phone number.
L: You did yourself harm by experiencing the withholding of love.
S9: I see this a little differently. He was hurting himself, first of all, by making up some idea about what good people do, and trying to do it, to be that good person. It was a bad fit, probably because it was impossible for him to carry off being this sainted image over the long run.
(I am not advocating being cruel, only knowing your limits and being kind within those limits as best you can.)
But, he (obviously) had already given himself 'big pats on the back' by competing against others (his friends) and winning the good guy medal. So, it was doubly hard to give up those prideful feelings. (Attachment to self image.)
Not that we ALL haven’t done this (little game) in some way, ourselves.
So, he wasn’t so much hurt by withholding love. It was more that he was hurt by falling back to earth, and no longer being God like in his own mind, or at least very special.
So, many people are playing this very same game with the path of self-improvement. They hate the whole idea of being 'ordinary,' and really wish (Attach themselves to) being special, above, and apart, or "above the crowd." Competition is a very thinly disguised war. It is an attitude that prohibits peace. Distain for the ordinary is not love of those poor folks that are, so called, ordinary. You can feel the hate of the ordinary, when "God forbid," you think you may be ordinary. (Let alone, less than ordinary as that poor fellow on the bench was.)
Peace,
S9
I have been gradually seperating myself from her but is has been difficult.
My point is, that as selfish as it sounds, you shjouldn't have to torture yourself so that he has a friend.
It sounds as though your intentions were right and you wanted to do the right thing, but then it got out of control. You had no way to establish boundaries because he took control of the relationship. Interaction was based solely on the indigent person's needs. He doesn't handle information real well, so knowing this happens, it is important that you don't give him all of your personal information.
Can you reach out in a way that doesn't compromise your life to this extent? Can you somehow take control of the way relationships are conducted without giving everything up? How about you finding out contact information about him and you choose the time to talk with him? Or if it is too late to re-establish this relationship, keeping this experience in mind will give you the skill to handle future situations. Indigent or not, mentally challenged or not, he has been your teacher in all of this.
He taught you a lot about yourself. About judgement, compassion and loving kindness. He taught you a lot about relationship boundaries. He taught you to think about difficult relationships in a way you haven't had to. The easy way is to give up and write it off. Are there other ways to deal with clinginess and embarrassing moments? He has taught you a lot about development in areas of your life you may want to address. He has truly been a worthy teacher and deserves your veneration.
Even being well intentioned and loving may not be enough in this path. Perhaps being skilled requires awareness, patience, practice and meditation.