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My Misogyny - Help.
I have a huge problem. Even as a child I have had this deep mis-trust towards women - Mother issues and an (unintentionally) abusive sister I guess are to blame. However, over the last 2 years I have had a string of relationships that, to understate, didn't go well. These days I find it so hard to trust most women, more my age group in all honesty. In fact, I some times feel physically sick when I speak to or even look at a woman. On the other hand, I really like being in a commited relationship, but I am way to cynical to try for one. Any ideas on how to fix this?
Oh, and sorry if I offended women on the site. I honestly meant to ill feelings towards you.
Oh, and sorry if I offended women on the site. I honestly meant to ill feelings towards you.
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Comments
That was then, this is now.
Let me give you something to think about:
The Buddha apparently declared that if women were permitted to join the Sangha, the Dhamma's duration would be cut by half.
Many took this to mean that women would be the fly in the ointment, but some scholars since then, have actually theorised (and with some good reason) that the reason the Dhamma would be halved in duration, was that men would find it hard to apply themselves because of their weakness and propensity to lust, and feelings for the opposite sex.
If you now look at how many sexual scandals have arisen around prominent male members of High Buddhist society - in comparison to how many prominent Buddhist women have been involved in such matters - I think you'll find the odds are higher in the former than the latter.
I do not say any of this in judgement or criticism.
I'm merely pointing out that as a person loaded with feeling against women, or with any detrimental opinion against women - you are not alone, and we are not the culprits here.
That is not to say that rotten women don't exist.
Of course they do.
But as to why they are rotten, and in comparison to numbers of rotten men, I think the facts and figures speak for themselves.
I'm not here to start a Pi$$ing contest. I'm merely trying to illustrate that perhaps your views are not only misguided (as you already have admitted) but illogical.
I recommend you purchase a book, titled "Misogyny - The World's oldest Prejudice" By Jack Holland (Yes, it's written by a man) and devour it cover to cover. It's a fascinating read, and one I think you'll find enthralling.
In the meantime, I'm sorry you experienced such vitriol and unkindness at the hands of the women in your life.
I was repeatedly raped as a youngster, by a close family member, and another close member bullied me so mercilessly, he landed me in hospital twice, and I was sent to Boarding school for my own safety.
I adore men, and enjoy their company immensely.
I got over it.
So can you.
All the best, and much metta to you.
My experience was a little different in a way. I came to misogyny not because of family I didn't trust, but because of a particularly nasty divorce over a number of years. There were some mental health issues, physical abuse of my children and interacting with a justice system that was more interested in protecting my ex-wifes rights rather than my children's or mine. There was a divorce that had been drug out for years and it all culminated in a lawyer tying up proceeds from the sale of a house because he had gambled away his trust fund. It was a real nightmare and I held a lot of resentment and hatred in my heart.
I hear you saying you want to establish a long term relationship which is positive and proves that you do indeed have room in your heart for a woman. You have a lot of work to do with the mistrust and resentment before you are ready to move on however. I can think of no better work than developing loving kindness towards people who have hurt you. Best of luck with this work. I know I have utilized the approach and it has made a significant difference in the way I relate to my ex and women in general. It is an area in your life where you may grow beyond anything you thought was possible. You truly can become a better man for this.
Namaste
There's some information about how to practice loving kindness (metta) meditation here.
http://www.buddhanet.net/metta.htm
_/\_
When people have suffered family difficulties in their childhood, often they attribute cause to that when struggling with relationships.
But many human beings, who did not suffer family difficulties in their childhood, also struggle with relationships.
Personally, I think relationship is old fashioned values, that is, work, family, kids, house, car, etc.
Often when that focus does not exist, relationships will struggle.
If women are leaving you, then (respectfully) they sound just as bewildered as you.
I would not take their actions so seriously. Just try to develop new outlooks.
Just my opinion,
Kindly
DDhatu
That is probably because there are many more ordained men than women.
For example, there is that woman in South Africa (Thanisarra) who tries to be a spokeperson for bhikhunis, the ex-nun who romped with the bhikkhu Kitisaro.
Irrelevent to the discussion.
Generally, problems come from ignorance. It is easy for a wise women to mould and discipline a man. Most modern women have lost this skill or art. Since the primal nurturing quality is found in women, when women lose this art, relationship becomes very confusing.
Our friend is not illogical because our world includes many very confused women. When women are confused, men are confused.
But sincerely, I am grateful for your balanced opinion.
Interesting.....in my country, the women are always thought to be the source of temptation and was seen fit to be 'caged', restrained and blamed rather than educating both sexes on collective and personal responsibility for their own lives and actions...
As I remember, lust, desire and karma do not choose nor discriminate their 'candidates', only we humans do?
As Bhikkhuni Soma said it well:
Anyone who thinks
'I'm a woman' or 'a man'
or 'Am I anything at all?'
—that's who Mara's fit to address.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/sn/sn05/sn05.002.than.html
At the end of the day...
Whatever harm an enemy may do to an enemy, or a hater to a hater, an ill-directed mind inflicts on oneself a greater harm. Neither mother, father, nor any other relative can do one greater good than one's own well-directed mind.
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/dhp/dhp.03.budd.html
I also have learned that my natural attraction is towards troubled women. I don't know why, but I kept choosing the ones with deep emotional issues. I thought if I could be strong enough for both of us they would be better people. I believe in the healing power of truth and acceptance but one has to choose the path and cannot be carried on it. Accordingly, I choose more wisely with whom and how much of my love should be shared. I also look at my feelings of distrust as warning signs to help me determine if my significant other's actions are in reality worthy of my love.
<O:p
To help rebuild my trust in women, I have befriended the ones that harmed me, without being petty and without seeking anything; I just love them for the good they offer me and the world. I give them my compassion and they have given me theirs. The interesting thing that has occurred is that I now realize the reality of what happened and no longer dwell on the negativity of the past but remember the love and happiness we shared when we shared it. Rather than dwell on the evil that was done to me, I accept the past as the past and live in the moment for what it is. <O:p
-Namaste
I find that people who have this sort of distrust toward a large monolithic group of people (women, men, people of a certain religious faith, people of a certain nationality, etc.), usually there is an element of unaddressed self-negativity. On some level, you may feel hurt or threatened. Your distrust of women is a self-protective mechanism attempting to prevent you from becoming hurt again - a way to prevent you from being faced with the possibility that women do not care about you and (by extension) confirming any pre-existing anxieties or fears that you are somehow flawed, that there's something wrong with you.
Here is an excerpt from Pema Chodron: Dazzle's link is a good one. Practice sending metta towards yourself, perhaps throwing in this aspiration among the more traditional ones: "May I have unconditional friendship with myself. May I learn to forgive myself and others." See if you feelings of misogyny do not dissipate when you gain a better relationship with yourself.