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Over Compassionate?
skyfox66
Explorer
I have a major problem dealing with compassion and that's the fact that I'm over compassionate. At least my friends say so but they aren't buddhists. They find it strange that I give spare change to homeless people and that the news stresses me out or makes me cry. I can't even watch violent movies or play violent games. It bothers me too much. I'll even have nightmares for weeks about it.
I've been this way my entire life which is what brought me to Buddhism in the first place. The Bodhisattva vow defines it perfectly for me. Try to help everyone even if its impossible. I've been told by everyone...family, friends, therapists, coworkers, that my constant compassion just angers them. It's not like I don't include myself in it. I understand that if I don't take care of myself first than I can't help everyone else but I guess I just need to know if I'm over doing it and some tips to reign it in. If not, what is so bad about caring about others? I really don't understand why that would anger anyone but it seems to anger just about everyone around me.
I've been this way my entire life which is what brought me to Buddhism in the first place. The Bodhisattva vow defines it perfectly for me. Try to help everyone even if its impossible. I've been told by everyone...family, friends, therapists, coworkers, that my constant compassion just angers them. It's not like I don't include myself in it. I understand that if I don't take care of myself first than I can't help everyone else but I guess I just need to know if I'm over doing it and some tips to reign it in. If not, what is so bad about caring about others? I really don't understand why that would anger anyone but it seems to anger just about everyone around me.
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Comments
I don't think anyone can be too compassionate. However, one can be overly empathetic and sensitive.
For example, giving spare change to those is need is not a bad thing. However, doing it to the point where you're hurting yourself may seem like "being too compassionate," but in fact, you're forgetting about yourself; and if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to continue helping other people. But you said you're not doing this, so...
Firstly, if a therapist is angered by something you do, it's time to find a new one. They should not be emotionally involved with you.
As for everyone else, you would have to ask them yourself. Certainly, they haven't come up to you and said "you are too compassionate and it pisses me off :rant:"
I am also very sensitive to the suffering of others, and have had to learn how to cope with this over the years. I discovered that empathy and compassion are not the same. Empathy lets me feel what others feel, often to my own detriment. Compassion lets me recognize myself in the suffering of others, and compels me to work on alleviating suffering. Empathy is passive, while compassion is active.
The help that compassion inspires us to give begins with ourselves. Mahatma Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.” We cannot cure suffering with more suffering, as we cannot extinguish fire with more fire. When we transform ourselves into joyful beings, we become beacons of joy for others. People are attracted to the spiritual light of an awakened being. If you know somebody is sick or depressed, do you increase their pain by moaning and crying? Or do you put on a smile and try to cheer them up?
Practicing compassion requires courage and strength. It is a process that takes time, and dedication. Sometimes it means placing yourself in uncomfortable, or even painful situations. It is our own suffering that we must examine most thoroughly, without backing away or closing ourselves off. When we learn to transform our pain into joy, we automatically ease the suffering of the world.
If you've ever flown on a passenger jet, you've probably seen the safety lecture you get before taking off. If the passenger compartment loses pressure, they tell you, you should put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping others. The logic for this is obvious. How can you help anybody else if you can't remain conscious and awake, yourself?
The best gift any of us can give to the world is to simply wake up. That is the real beginning of compassion.
~ AD
Did you know the way to fuffill the bodhisattva vows is to become a buddha, it is not an impossible vow if you have the right tools in front of you.
A serious Buddhist in the West stands out like a daffodil in a lawn (How dare you be YELLOW!).
But, you all pointed out something to me. It's not just compassion, its also empathy. I do tend to feel what others are feeling and it drives me nuts which is why I try not to be around mean or angry people. I have no idea how to tame that. I just thought it was compassion. Thank you for the responses!
“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing yourself is enlightenment.” ~ Lao Tsu
There you have your answer... The question is, why do you over-do it knowing well that it doesn't really help others but angers them? One assumption is that, maybe you are trying to feel approved, accepted and not be in bad page with anyone? That is a deep rooted insecure feeling that you have which makes you do good to others in the hope of becomming accepted or not get confronted in a bad way? Question yourself why. I think the above statement has part of the answer
I have anxiety and when I go out I try to be as friendly with everyone as possible and insight told me that it is not really compassion or friendliness. It is just that I am afraid to be rejected.
you sound fine. spiritual life flows in the opposite direction than the stream of the herd
just keep being your natural self and do not take what others think & say to heart
kind regards
:smilec:
Palzang
Excellent point. Pema Chodron described it as an enemy of compassion. "This is when we avoid conflict and protect our good image when we should say a definite no."
I am not sure people are angry about your compassion skyfox66 as much as feeling you giving in may result in you being an easy mark. I must admit to the same problem. I know the answer for me, is to stop avoiding negative people and learn to handle adversity with courage and conviction.
He said :
"Idiot compassion is the highly conceptualized idea that
you want to do good....Of course, [according to the mahayana teachings of
Buddhism] you should do everything for everybody; there is no selection
involved at all. But that doesn't mean to say that you have to be gentle
all the time. Your gentleness should have heart, strength. In order that
your compassion doesn't become idiot compassion, you have to use your
intelligence. Otherwise, there could be self-indulgence of thinking that
you are creating a compassionate situation when in fact you are feeding the
other person's aggression. If you go to a shop and the shopkeeper cheats
you and you go back and let him cheat you again, that doesn't seem to be a
very healthy thing to do for others."
source of quote:
http://lists.mandala-designs.com/pipermail/oceanofdharma/2006-January/000319.html
_/\_
And also, if you reward a person for taking advantage of you, you are assisting in their corruption. And all of this in aid of your own self esteem. It doesn't sound near so appealing or ignoble in that context.
Sky: I really don't understand why that would anger anyone but it seems to anger just about everyone around me.
S9: My best friend asked me, more than once, not to be so giving, for instance always leave the last piece of pie for him, because it made him feel like he was always taking.
This does not amount to an equal relationship, whether it starts with one person being overly selfish, or it starts with someone being so overly good that the other guy feels selfish, esp. when they are tempted to take advantage of this. The comparison is unpleasant for them. (Thinking of their feelings in this way would also be compassionate.)
We cannot be happy if we do not like our selves. Your friends need to respect and to like themselves, just like you do.
Again, when you give money to a drunk, and they withhold it for their own reasons, they will feel hardhearted in comparison. So in a way, you help the drunk and at the same time hurt your friends.
If you want to do these things, try not making a display of them. Maybe without the display every one will be happier.
BTW: I sometimes even cry at commercials, if they pull at my heart strings. My friends think this is funny. What a softy. : ^ )
Peace,
S9
I don't do anything with a conscious thought of getting something out of it. I just do it cuz my heart says to. I open doors for old people, I help when they have they're hands full. I just do it.
With that said, I'm not the kind of person who will give criminals...like my cousins, money cuz I know they won't get anything out of it. They'll just borrow money till people stop giving it to them and when we stop they break into stores and hold people up. I'm not blind. I'm just caring...and careful. Is that idiot compassion or not?
~ AD
Like your panda picture, btw.
Palzang
The The best way to deal with that is to cultivate the paramita of discerning wisdom. Prajna 慧 {hui, e}, or the merit of discernment, can mean either ordinary cognitive intelligence; or the ability to perceive Emptiness.
Another way to balance the sad emotion is to cultivate empathetic joy. There is no exact English or Chinese word for mudita. It is the far opposite of envy; and parallel of compassion; to feel joy when others do the right thing and win.
~ AD
Even if your behavior in any situation is ‘certifiably good,’ it still doesn’t get you off of the hook. You still must investigate all of your thoughts, motives, and actions under the light of “What in this am I attached to?”
Go in peace,
S9