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Teaching when I'm learning?
Hi! I'm new to this forum and also to Buddhism. I have three children the oldest of which is 7. As I am learning about my own path to enlightenment, how do I teach my children about it? Are there any good books out there? My son is a very spiritual kid and has rescently been obsessed with Christianity. While I am willing for him to make his own decisions, he is not doing so, but rather blindly following whatever the kid next door's mom told him. So, how do I teach him to question and seek for himself? How can I explain the precepts of Buddhism, when I don't fully understand them myself?
Thanks!
Thanks!
0
Comments
I have two book recommendations for you:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1741140102/qid=1123261371/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-5524203-4269442?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1585422940/qid=1123261296/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-5524203-4269442?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Now, I have not read either of them, but I do plan on reading them very soon. I have too many others books that I am reading right now, and my daughter is only two, so I have a little bit if time!
The Buddha's advice to parents is straightforward: help your children become generous, virtuous, responsible, skilled, and self-sufficient adults [see DN 31 and Sn II.4]. Teaching Buddhism to one's children does not mean giving them long lectures about dependent co-arising, or forcing them to memorize the Buddha's lists of the eightfold this, the ten such-and-suches, the seventeen so-and-sos. It simply means giving them the basic skills they'll need in order to find true happiness. The rest will take care of itself.
The single most important lesson parents can convey to their children is that every action has consequences. Each moment presents us with an opportunity, and it is up to us to choose how we want to think, speak, or act. It is these choices that eventually determine our happiness. This is the essence of kamma, the basic law of cause and effect that underlies the Dhamma. It also happens to be the message behind one of the few recorded teachings the Buddha gave to his only child, Rahula.1 This sutta — the Ambalatthikarahulovada Sutta (MN 61) — offers parents some important clues about teaching Dhamma to young children — in terms of both the content of what to teach and the method to use.
In this sutta the Buddha reprimands the seven year old Rahula for telling a small lie. The content of the Buddha's lesson here is clear and simple: it concerns right speech, and helping Rahula keep himself true to the fundamental principles of virtue. There are several noteworthy aspects to the Buddha's method. First, by artfully drawing comparisons to an everyday utensil (in this case, a water dipper), the Buddha makes his point in vivid and age-appropriate language that Rahula can easily understand. Second, the Buddha doesn't launch into a long-winded abstract lecture on the nature of kamma, but instead keeps the lesson focused on the immediate issue at hand: choosing your actions carefully. Third, although the five precepts do indeed constitute the fundamental framework for moral conduct, the Buddha does not mention them here — presumably because some of the precepts (concerning sexuality and using intoxicants) are simply not relevant to most seven year olds. (Perhaps the Buddha had more to say about the precepts by the time Rahula was a teenager.) Fourth, the Buddha keeps Rahula engaged during the lesson by asking him simple questions; this is no dry, soporific lecture. And finally, the Buddha takes advantage of the opportunity presented by this "teaching moment" to expand into deeper territory, to explain to Rahula the importance of reflecting inwardly before, during, and after performing an action of any sort — whether of body, speech, or mind. The Buddha thus places Rahula's original small misdeed into a much broader context, transforming it into a lesson of deep and lasting significance.
Although most of us who are parents can only dream of teaching our children as consciously and effectively as the Buddha did, we can still learn from his example. But before we can translate his example into action, there is one crucial point to recognize: the Buddha's instructions to his son were given by someone who really knew what he was talking about; Rahula's teacher was someone who truly practiced what he preached, a role model par excellence. So the message is clear: if we hope to instruct our children about matters concerning the path of Dhamma, we had better be sure that we ourselves are practicing on that path. If you extol the virtues of skillful qualities such as generosity, truthfulness, and patience, but your children only see you being stingy, overhear you telling lies, or see you losing your temper, then your message will be lost. Of course, you need not have perfected the Dhamma in order to instruct your children, but for your instruction to carry any weight your children must be able to witness firsthand that you are earnestly striving to put these same teachings into practice yourself. And if you can inspire them by your example and give them the skills they need to know to live in tune with the Dhamma, then you've given them a rare gift indeed:
The wise hope for a child
of heightened or similar birth,
not for one
of lowered birth,
a disgrace to the family.
These children in the world,
lay followers,
consummate in virtue, conviction;
generous, free from stinginess,
shine forth in any gathering
like the moon
when freed from a cloud.
~Iti 74
Taken from http://www.accesstoinsight.org/bfaq.html#kids
This is just "my" opinion - so take it for what it's worth...
I think one of the best ways is to teach by example. Point out things to your children. Give them options and let them choose. Then explain the differences and likenesses between everything in life.
I've done that with my son. He's pretty willing to follow whatever I "teach" him - but I don't even want him doing that. I don't want him thinking "this is the way things are" because his Dad told him so. I want him to be able to think for himself.
It's a process that takes years - so you just keep hacking away at it.
Good luck!
Michael
Very good points! Right now, my two year old is very interested in bugs and "critters". She loves for us to show her certain bugs (grasshoppers, rolie polies, spiders, you name it) but she hasn't quite grasped the concept of "If I step on this bug or squish it, he/she will die". So we are continually working on that! And trying to teach her to "be gentle" with bugs! Not an easy task sometimes.....
My girlfriend is "extremely" afraid of spider. I don't think I can impress on you how "EXTREMELY" terrifed she is of spider.
You what she thinks? She thinks she got it from her mother. Both her and her sister FREAK OUT around spider. I mean.... FREAK.
Because that is what they spent their whole lives seeing - they're mother freaking out at spider. Wild, freak out shows. The girls saw it and now guess what they do? Did I mention they FREAK OUT?
I don't know if there is any scientific evidence to back up this statement - but it does make sense.
If you children see you being tender, careful, caring with other animals, beings, people - I think that is what they will emulate.
Or - I could just be full of crap
Michael
Secondly, if my girlfriend sees a spider on tv - she feaks. Not the total incontinent spazzing - but she looks away and tells me the hair is standing straight up on her head.
If she had a big hammer - like the kind Tom and Jerry use on the cartoons - and I picked up a spider - I fear it would be the end of both the spider and I.
I did mention she freaks around spiders, right?
Michael
P.S. Other bugs are not a problem with her. Don't even phase her. Spider? Yeah... the freaking thing I mentioned earlier.
Perhaps that is his decision.
I think that teaching by example is of course the best way to teach anything! I really appreciate the advice. Coming from a Christian background where we had devotions everyday and went to church 3 times a week, I guess I felt like I was missing something. I want to equip my son to think for himself. If he blindly follows where others lean, this is not the good, in my opinion.
I do not mind him being a Christian if he researches it, understands what he believes and actually believes it, but right now, he has no idea what they believe and is just saying that he believes it to be like the other kids. At 7, it is hard to get a grasp the fact that there are many different beliefs and you don't have to follow all of them. This is his current standpoint. You know, the old fable of the farmer and his son who were trying to please everyone and ended up losing their donkey over the side of the bridge?
So, I think that teaching by example and also having discussions with him--not lectures. I know that he just kind of zones out when those happen. He's got a great immagination after all.
I hope this doesn't sound like my brain right now--very jumbled and confused.
Anyway,
Thanks!
Kristina
There is a saying and I think it is logical.
"God only help those who help themselves"
One sure way to change our external conditions, is first to change ourselves internally. Before we can externalise, it is really a good idea to first internalised.
I believe some of the posting in this thread is really valuable and intriguing.
cheers,
We can only change ourselves so as to influence others. Lay your foundation well first. I believe you will manage it well. In touch with Buddhism needs affinity. There is alway a time factor and Rome was not built with just one day. Be at peace and harmony with yourself and children. Let the clarity and wisdom in you grow and radiate.
The only person which you can please, is yourself.
cheers,