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Introspection...
Hello everyone...this is my first post here. I'm hoping to get some input from a buddhist perspective on some issues I'm having. Without going into a lot of boring details these are primarily relationship/commitment issues. Ever since I was a teenager (I'm 39 now) I've never been able to have a committed relationship with anyone...unless of course I knew that there was no way (for a number of different reasons) that the other person could commit to me. In those cases I'll do whatever I can to try and make things work. For the most part though I tend keep 'safe' people at arms length and I rarely let anyone get too close. After some lengthy introspection I understand that some things that happened when I was a kid are what's causing my behavior now and that the years past have just compounded things. My question is...how does knowing any of this help? I was hoping that finding the cause of the issue would somehow enable me to change things but I can't change the past anymore than I can change the effect it's had on me. This has been going on so long that I feel like it's an ingrained part of my personality...and it's not an easy way to live.
I've been studying Buddhism off and on now for quite some time and there are a lot of aspects that really appeal to me. I was wondering, based on what little I've told you folks so far, what your opinions are on the situation and what a recommended course of action would be from a buddhist point of view. As much as I would like to change my current situation I'm worried that, because of the amount of time passed, this is just the way things are.
As a side note, I would like to mention that my career is not exactly conducive to a happy, healthy lifestyle. I'm a crime scene investigator (have been for quite some time) and as such I spend a good deal of my time (day and night) dealing with some of the worst things that happen in the county that I live and work in. I love my job but there are things (suicides, infant deaths, etc.) that get to be a bit much to deal with. I only add this to give you a better overall view of some of what's going on in my life at this point.
Sorry for such a long first post. Please know that any thoughts, recommendations, or ideas would be very appreciated. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read this...
eco
I've been studying Buddhism off and on now for quite some time and there are a lot of aspects that really appeal to me. I was wondering, based on what little I've told you folks so far, what your opinions are on the situation and what a recommended course of action would be from a buddhist point of view. As much as I would like to change my current situation I'm worried that, because of the amount of time passed, this is just the way things are.
As a side note, I would like to mention that my career is not exactly conducive to a happy, healthy lifestyle. I'm a crime scene investigator (have been for quite some time) and as such I spend a good deal of my time (day and night) dealing with some of the worst things that happen in the county that I live and work in. I love my job but there are things (suicides, infant deaths, etc.) that get to be a bit much to deal with. I only add this to give you a better overall view of some of what's going on in my life at this point.
Sorry for such a long first post. Please know that any thoughts, recommendations, or ideas would be very appreciated. Thank you to everyone for taking the time to read this...
eco
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Comments
Hi, eco. Knowing the historical basis of this pattern of behavior makes it easier to disidentify from it; because you know its cause wasn't within you, you know it's not you. It also may make it easier to identify the imperatives underlying the pattern, because presumably those imperatives are embodied in the circumstances from which the pattern arises.
It's never too late. It will probably take time, though. A regular sitting practice will be essential to any Buddhist approach to this. A teacher will probably also be essential. There is probably a lot of pain tied up in this pattern, and the guidance of a teacher might make it easier to stick to the work as it gets painful. Hard to say more than that without more details.
It's interesting that you bring this up. How do you think it relates to the intimacy issue you also brought up?
Damn beginners, using up our supply of electrons.
If you get lonely, that is a problem, because you will keep searching for relationships. If you do not get lonely, then you can try living alone.
But returning to the matter of relationships, many people have trouble committing. This is possibly because they do not see clearly their own needs and the needs of others.
Buddha taught relationship requires spiritual training, especially in matters of honesty, patience, giving & lifestyle. It also requires alot of gratitude. Gratitude is recognising what others do for you and what you should do in return.
If you really need to be in relationship, then recognising your own need can enhance an aspiration for committment (to benefit yourself).
Further, focusing on the needs of the other can make one's sense of commitment more ultruistic, which can be more meaningful than just benefiting oneself.
I suppose that is all I can offer for now.
Kind regards
DDhatu
Its good that you recognise that you have some issues from the past. However,thinking about and analysing your relationships too much might in itelf begin to hinder any spontaneity in a mutually giving and loving relationship with another.
As well as studying Buddhism,If you can practice meditation, and not be too hard on yourself in general, you might be able to relax a little and be more content living alone.We don't necessarily need, or have to long for meaningful relationships with the opposite sex all the time, - its possible to be happy and content being with ourselves just as things are !
Finding a Buddhist centre which also runs meditation classes would be helpful.
Kind wishes,
Dazzle
In a relationship you have to have harmony,
There are more ways to explain that but it applies through out a relationship.
Part of the way you can help yourself, is to understand that you may not know what happiness is. Lots of people think its some object, they try to define it, they expect it in certin places. And lose hope when it doesn't bring them happiness. Approach it with the idea that you don't know what happiness is, expect that its a feeling. Then go find it. Find the one that brings you happiness, and you bring them happiness.
We all want to be happy. We all want to avoid unhappiness ... and that includes pushing away uncomfortable emotions (childhood, fear of intimacy, dealing with ugliness). The tools that cause your discomfiture are also the tools that make you so effective in your work, i.e., the ability to push away uncomfortable feelings.
You write with clarity, you think with clarity. You are absolutely correct that there is a pattern in your life, and you do see it. You are also right that you cannot change the past. But I disagree with you when you say you cannot change the effect the past has on oneself. Speaking from first-hand experience, I say that you absolutely CAN change the effect. I call it "Buddhism"; others may call it something else. I wonder what you will call it.
Thank you so much. After yet another rough day my eyes began to well up when I saw all the compassionate responses to my post. Feeling alone has always been a real problem for me...which makes absolutely no sense considering the amount of time I spend keeping most people at a distance. Knowing that there are folks here who are not only willing to take the time to read my post but also respond and offer advice means more than you know. I'm going to try meditation and continue to study Buddhism in the hopes that I may be able to make some sense out of things. If anyone knows of a specific meditation technique that may help I would very much appreciate it.
Again, thank you all so much...
eco
Learning to rest with the experience of the breath when the loneliness comes up would be a good start.
Fivebells...thank you!
I wish I could be more outgoing but every time I tried to change myself it just made me less rather than more secure. When I allowed myself to respect my natural rhythms unfolding without making myself an abstract project to improve based on arbitrary ideals. What I am saying might not be for everyone but I am just saying I feel it was a cool place to overcome feeling that I had to be in a relationship much less a committed one.
I hope it is of use to you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adVlSeh6m4A&feature=related