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the past and being alone in nature
Hi there,
I am not entirely new to Buddhism. I have read a bit and also found some kind of resonance with this way of life.
I just have two questions that might also help others. Questions that I have had for many years.
I see that the present moment and being mindful is fundamental to Buddhism. How do I then deal with an unhappy past and family members who I have anger towards about the past? I find being around my parents for example difficult because of bad memories and the anger and fear it creates in me. It hurts me deeply.
The other question is this. People are often encouraged to return to nature. To see beauty in little flowers for example. Sadly I find being alone in nature to be full of a kind of unease in me. I sit there in nature almost wanting to scream I feel so uneasy. It is like reality crushing in on me. It might again be because of the past. I associate nature with being alone and trapped in the countryside during bad times. I wish I could feel free and happy in nature again. Is there a way?
Sorry if these questions are too personal
maybe you could redirect the post if needs be.
Thank you so much for reading. Would really appreciate the help.
Jai
I am not entirely new to Buddhism. I have read a bit and also found some kind of resonance with this way of life.
I just have two questions that might also help others. Questions that I have had for many years.
I see that the present moment and being mindful is fundamental to Buddhism. How do I then deal with an unhappy past and family members who I have anger towards about the past? I find being around my parents for example difficult because of bad memories and the anger and fear it creates in me. It hurts me deeply.
The other question is this. People are often encouraged to return to nature. To see beauty in little flowers for example. Sadly I find being alone in nature to be full of a kind of unease in me. I sit there in nature almost wanting to scream I feel so uneasy. It is like reality crushing in on me. It might again be because of the past. I associate nature with being alone and trapped in the countryside during bad times. I wish I could feel free and happy in nature again. Is there a way?
Sorry if these questions are too personal
maybe you could redirect the post if needs be.Thank you so much for reading. Would really appreciate the help.
Jai
0
Comments
You can also see beauty in anything, to completely understand how it works, to see all its possibilities. Its all based on a very simple truth underneath, it all relates someway.
Welcome and greetings dear Jai.
And a Happy New Year also !
Thankyou for some great questions.
Just briefly: Yes Buddhism sometimes focusses on what is sometimes called 'the present moment' or 'now' and such temporal phrases. But if you look into it, when has there ever been anything different.
Now is just the encapsulation of all, past present and future.
Thusly, your questions are very right and very pragmatic.
How then, do I deal with unhappy memories, how then do I deal with the mind that yells and screams and cries here .. right here inside of me.
How then do I deal with the resentment towards family members, towards those of past, present and future.
And it is this very reason that some of us come to what is called Buddhism.
Because no longer are we satisfied with meek platitudes or motivational placards.
For once, we are seeking the real answer. The real answer that will live our life for us, so that we may live again.
The memories of past, the feelings of tension and all that you feel are the right ingredients for 'now' if I may say so.
When we practice Buddhism it is not like we can immediately erase all that we have been and have experienced. But what it can do is, over time, provide us with a perspective and a balance to all that is, and all that has been.
So that one day you too can know FOR YOURSELF what it means to live in the present. Where you have always been, and always will be.
Best wishes, and again, greetings, dear Jai.
Abu
And happy new year to you Abu
I just wanted to add also that I have a therapist who says that to deal with anger, go and punch a pillow. I have however read something by Thich Nhat Hanh that this is acting out your aggression and it would be better to welcome the anger. The power of mindfulness can take care of it. I find this difficult or maybe I don't understand it fully but I do think that hitting something is not working for me. I have also grappled with telling my parents to their faces about how they hurt me. Something they are not unaware of. That doesn't seem right either.
Also, the feelings I get in nature, the feeling of loneliness or trapped feelings. I guess continually trying to see it differently like some kind of effort is making it worse. You cannot force yourself to see things differently or fight with the feelings. It seems this doesn't help me either.
Any more thoughts or ideas would be so appreciated.
Thanks again
Jai
Oh Jai, I can relate ... my sister and I spent some decades trying to work out the pain from our childhoods. Therapy didnt make it better (my sister spent 25 years in therapy) ... but Buddhism gave us the tools we needed to make it better. Sociologists believe that 97% of families are dysfunctional. So, Jai, we are not alone!
To start to heal, please consider that your parents did the best job THEY WERE ABLE in parenting you. My own parents were driven by so much inner pain that much of what they did was only a desperate attempt to get that pain off their back. My mother pulled herself out of her morass of misery now and then to light into one of us, always with a look of glittering glee mixed in with her fury. My dad walled himself up (literally, behind a closed door) with a book and a ham sandwich, unable to face the atmosphere outside his room. Once I looked back & saw their pain, I was able to generate compassion, acceptance, and forgiveness for them. Understand that all sentient beings only want to be happy. Everything we do is done because we think this will make us happy ... or less unhappy. Our parents are no different.
I have known many people who thought their own anger would become lighter once they "had a talk" with their parents. When people(parents) do something they "shouldnt", they build elaborate defense mechanisms against acknowledging what they have done ... ALL parents want to be good parents, and the really "bad" ones deny and "forget" how they have hurt their kids. I know people who have tried to find resolution by talking to their parents, and replies have been "I dont know what youre talking about", "that never happened", etc. It just made the pain greater.
Your therapists suggestion to beat a pillow is a popular one ... among therapists. But while beating on a pillow releases the symptoms (tension) a bit, it does nothing to address the underlying cause (the anger). As a matter of fact, it reinforces and strengthens the anger and the belief that we are angry (why else would I be beating up a pillow if I were not angry?) Far better to practice your Buddhism, as it both addresses and relieves the underlying cause.
What to do? You have two choices: you can either numb yourself with chemicals, or you can use Buddhism to gradually open to and defuse your pain. I know the latter sounds scary, but you do it at the pace you can handle. I used to teach Natural Childbirth classes, and the principles for working with physical pain are the same as those for working with psychological pain. We have to GIVE in to the pain, let it wash over us and acknowledge it, but imagine ourselves as a large rock in a stream of pain ... we will not be hurt nor washed away by this pain. Because when we try to fight or run from the pain, the pain increases and then fear and panic and terror take over. You must KNOW that you have this strong inner centre that cannot be hurt ... I found mine through meditation, and you will too if you keep at it. This giving-in and watching is one of the ultimate mindfulness practices, and you will be able to do it after some years. Remember ... it is the act of FIGHTING your inner feelings that makes them unbearable.
I have a question ... do you keep yourself busy in your life as a way to avoid looking at your pain? I ask this because when we are out in nature we cannot keep ourselves busy ... and if the pain is just below the surface it threatens us. Pema Chodron says (I can only paraphrase it) ... dont ignore, dont rush on by ... STAY with it.
I really recommend books and CDs by Pema Chodron ... a Western woman who is also an ordained Tibetan Buddhist nun. She talks a lot about how to work with pain. She is not my teacher, but she has been more useful than any other source in the healing of both my own and my sisters inner child.
Grace to you on your inner journey. Your comments show you have the intuitive wisdom you need to find your path to the top. There is a great mountain peak with breath-taking vistas waiting within you ... and the actual mountain peaks too!
I think that the emphasis should be on dealing with your anger first because it may be that this very anger is causing the feelings of loneliness or of being trapped when you sit out there in nature. And living in the 'present moment' with mindfulness that you mentioned is essentially the main part of the remedy for your problem.
Through watching actions and reactions, without aversion or attachment, in meditation AND daily life, it will be possible to see into the conditioning which ruins our life. This conditioning, or habits formed by past experiences, is what drives us into miserable states. We autamatically reject certain sensations, and because of this very rejection, hatred and anger swells within us. In an attempt to keep suffering at bay, greater suffering is experienced. Basic Buddhist practices and meditation will assist one to overcome feelings of anger and bring a measure of peace.
Perhaps you should explore the possibility of attending a Buddhist centre.
With kind regards,
Sukhita
One way that I deal with some past event that is giving me pain is, I change my way of looking at it. This is not a pretend thing, just looking at the same event from a whole other perspective.
Like, I might think that something my mother did to me was a lesson for me to learn, not JUST hurtful, so that in a way it was a blessing. : ^ )
How could this possibly be true?
Well, now you will never be like that, (like your parents) or do those things (that were done to you) to another, having seen how it hurt you. You will work like a dog not to do that to your own children. You will break the chain of pain that can sometimes be passed along for many generations. You took it and didn't pass it on. See what I mean?
Crazy as it may seem at first sight, now in a way you can be grateful for that lesson so hard won. No, it wasn’t an easy lesson. But, you lived through it, and you are now stronger and better because of it.
Seeing this, you have thrown light into a dark room in your heart.
Warm Regards,
S9
Foiblefull it was so good to read from someone with similar experience.
my mother has often got defensive on me. she admits to mistakes made but anything specific she says she doesn't remember or I am wrong about that or I misunderstood what she said when she said something cruel to me.
i live close to my parents so i see them frequently. it is hard every time. natural surroundings in the area of where my parents live bug me the most. these are loaded with memories or just a kind of trace of unhappiness... of being trapped in a horrible situation.
i agree there must be another way that hitting a pillow or suppressing the feelings. otherwise there would be no 'greater happiness' and i believe there is.
wish i lived in UK not Ireland - would be easier to get face-to-face 'support' I reckon.
you know that quotation, I heard it once: 'one of the stones they threw at me, I picked it up and it was a jewel.'
it is something like that?
on another note, my father and mother have at times cried and apologized for things that happened to me. Seemed to show some kind of genuine remorse. It seems that it is not enough. This makes me realise that the anger has a life of its own. the emptiness has bored a hole that no matter what they say it could still rear its head. I don't think talking to them will wash away the hurt. I don't think so. it somehow exists seperate from them now.
I had a tough childhood, full of neglect. I was pretty much “on my own.” I was an adult in a kid’s body by the time I was 7 years old.
This was my solution to this, lesson:
I am living my childhood (again) right now, but this time with me as my own good parent.
As silly as that sounds, when first heard, it actually works very well. I am giving myself all of the love, and attention, that I never got in sufficient quantity back then, and I am removing (in this way) all of the scar tissue from my wounded heart.
I have discovered a number of things in this way:
Like I didn’t deserve to be unloved, or not taken care of, because there was something intrinsically wrong with me.
And:
A big surprise:
“I am enough,” just the way I am, right now. Nothing needs to be changed in order to make myself worthy of love.
So:
Love yourself first, and then share this plentitude with others. Surprisingly, the world is starving for what you can give them.
Warm Regards,
S9
Thank you sweet person.
I liked what you said earlier on this subject, too.
I hope you will find the time to share more of your wisdom with us, in the future, as I read everything you write with enjoyment.
Warm Regards,
S9
I maybe to help here. I work the Programme of Alcoholics Anonymous which is a spiritual programme with its roots in spirituality and religion (but please, if anyone thinks they need help, don't let that put you off, it helps lots of people who're not that way inclined; no problem).
Anyway, it's almost a pre-requisite when you're an alcoholic to have a resentment against one or both parents, and for an alcoholic, resentment is a dangerous thing since when we resent, we get 'thirsty'!
So, how do we overcome our resentments? We do Steps 4 and 5 of our 12 Step programme (google for the programme for more info if you wish).
Step 4 consists of doing a written inventory and exploring our part in the resentment, and quite often we do play a part. We write in four columns the name of the person whom we resent. The second column we write what they did to us. The third column we write how it affected us. And in the fourth column we write what part we had to play in it.
We then discuss this with an understanding person. Someone like a priest, or a monk, or a Buddhist; someone with some understanding.
Working that process we can see if and where WE were at fault too. It could be that we had/have unrealistic expectations of our parents, or it could be we're lacking understanding; our parents are only human beings like us, they have faults too; like us. And sometimes, especially in the case of sexual or physical abuse, it may just boil down to our parents being spiritually sick.
If we find we're at fault (and us alcoholics normally are:D), we then make amends by speaking to the person we resent about our shortcomings (as long as its not going to hurt them further) and make amends. Amends to parents usually consist of just being better sons/daughters to them. What we don't do while making amends, is point out their shortcomings; but its not unusual for them to talk about their own. The whole process is a healing process and it does work.
Its also suggested we pray for those we resent (I've heard Buddhists have a meditation for this too), even if we're aethiest/agnostic, and we pray that they receive everything that we would want to receive, (don't do what a friend of mine does, she prays that they get EVERYTHING THEY WISH FOR:eek:), and we should do this everyday for a month at least.
I hope this helps; resentments aren't healthy things; I've heard them described as having a bottle of poison and instead of getting the person you resent to drink the poison, you drink it yourself.
Regards,
Tosh
I want to thank you guys for your ideas and words ... already I actually feel different around my parents. The realization they are just humans and didn't know better at the time. I feel more myself and less bound up with my parents. Maybe I am seeing the humanity of all of us.
I really want to continue to post here and I am so glad I met some new people who understand where I am coming from. It is in some way a homecoming happening in little steps
Jai
Hi Jai,
I didn't know you were already in the 'club' so to speak, so I wasn't trying to recruit you for our 'cult'.
Take care
Tosh