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others' dishonest desires...
what should one do when another is dishonestly desiring something from him. for example, it is apparent to me that my mom desires my attention sometimes, but i don't want to give her attention because she might become addicted to it, and she annoys me because of all of her delusions.
what do i do?
sorry i got distracted while typing the title, it was supposed to be others' dishonest desires
what do i do?
sorry i got distracted while typing the title, it was supposed to be others' dishonest desires
0
Comments
Do you think she is lonely? Maybe she needs someone. Or does she just want to get you to do things for her?
If she is annoying because of all her delusions, how can you help her dispel those?
Can you try to view the world from her eyes? from her perspective?
If you can't, then maybe you need to talk to her, try to understand where she is coming from, and where she is trying to go. Only if you truely understand her, can you help her dispel those delusions...
As for dishonest desires, how do you know that they are dishonest? I've found that our own hang-ups tend to really alter the way that we see others; we let our own feelings obscure our perception of the true situation. Because of that, assumption is always a bad idea.
So, those are my thoughts. I'm a bit of a noob when it comes to Buddhism, but I hope it helps. I'm sure some better advice will come quick enough.
how do i know she (and my dad) desires my attention?
today i smoked some marijuana, got in the shower, had a mind trip, got out, went to my room, started writing down some things i had realized. my mom says "do you want to eat?" i said "not now" because i was in the middle of some thoughts and i don't like eating with my family because their delusions try to invade me. she sounded surprised and disappointed and said "well we got some sushi and we (her, my dad, and my sister) are going to eat it right now". i kept writing. by the time i'm done writing i go to the kitchen and they're all at their computers in the livingroom because they're done eating. i take a long time to eat. after a while she comes to the kitchen and talks to her mom on the phone. she hates talking to her mom. i'm pretty sure my mom just called her so that i wouldn't think she was coming to the kitchen just to be around me. to me that is very annoying because i like to think while i eat, and it is disturbing to have my mother sitting there, audibly tending to her ego, dishonestly desiring something from me.
what do you mean she "needs" someone? sometimes she does want me to do things for her, but oten it seems like the thing she wants me to do is arbitrary and just wants to have the ego of a mom whose son does things for her.
i have tried talking to them about buddha in the hopes of helping them dispel their delusions, but their ego's like to "prove mysticism wrong" and be right, so when i talk to them about buddha's teachings they try to find ways to intelectually prove me wrong.
i can't help knowing her point of view, it rubs off on me. i'm on house arrest so i have to be around my family a lot now. i have definitely had to struggle against delusion.
i don't think she knows what she wants. her desire is most likely unrealistic.
thanks for trying to help, but i still don't know what to do.
she is dishonest in that she is not being honest about her desire, whatever it is. or i would know what it was!
I realize that this problem is because i am making assumptions. but i cannot dispel the beliefs i'm assuming, because i'm pretty sure they are true.
if there is a solution, there is no need to worry about it. if there is no solution, there is no point in worrying about it.
i don't know if there is a solution to this or not!
http://online.sfsu.edu/~rone/Buddhism/BuddhismParents/BuddhismParents.html
"i'm on house arrest so i have to be around my family a lot"
Questionful, I think there may be other issues here as well as 'Other's dishonest desires'.
I know what it's like when you have to defend your point of view to people who think they know they're right and refuse to hear your ideas, but to me your post is showing more than a little paranoia, something that is not helped by smoking dope. Believe me I've been there & done that, which is why I don't do it anymore. I can see being cooped up in the same house with people who don't understand or won't listen would be a nightmare but as Deshy said, try to give out some attention to your family without expecting anything in return, at the very least it may calm the situation down.
Sit alone somewhere in your house and imagine that your parents and your sister have gone out in the car but they haven't arrived back at the time they said they would. You're alone in the house and the later it gets the more concerned you get because they're still not home.
It's getting later and later and you're really starting to get worried because they haven't called which is totally unlike them. You decide to call your sister's cell but it goes straight to voice mail.
Then the doorbell rings. When you go to answer it you find two police officers standing there. At first you're confused and think they're here because of something you either did or failed to do but then you start putting 2 + 2 together and realize something is wrong. Terribly wrong.
The police officers ask if they can come in. They have news for you about your parents and sister. You invite them in as your heart pounds and you break into a cold sweat. You're imaging something really terrible like maybe your family got carjacked or something.
But the officers appear strangely somber and now you're really starting to freak out. They ask you to sit down, and you sit down. They then proceed to tell you the most life shattering thing you could ever imagine: Your parents' car, with the three of them in it, was involved in a major collision along a stretch of busy freeway and although the paramedics arrived within minuted and did everything they could, each member of your family died at the scene. The officers tell you that none of them regained consciousness so their suffering, if any, was likely minimal. In fact, they may not even have known what hit them: a massive transport truck driven by an exhausted trucker trying to keep to his dangerously tight schedule.
How do you feel about your family, and especially your mom, now?
Give it a shot. A different perspective can work wonders if you let it.
Remember that compassion and loving kindness are HUGE parts of Buddhism; your mom may just want to spend time with you because you are her child and she loves you. Try to be mindful of her feelings too.
I know it's easy to take your family for granted--I used to get quite irritated with my parents when they wanted to talk and I just wanted to be alone--but it's important to try to remember how important they are.
Brigid just provided an excellent way to do that.
Remember, whenever you've got unhealthy feelings--irritation, anger, etc--meditate on it! Sit down, nice and sober, and really investigate those feelings. It helps!
People can only dispel their own delusions. You have too many of your own to be concerning yourself with others'. Buddhism is about working on yourself, not others. The rest of the world isn't the problem; your deluded perception of it is.
The issue is yours. You're on house arrest, smoking pot in your parent's house, doing other drugs, assume the worst of your family, deny them attention and love, and want nothing to do with them. That is far removed from anything you could call "Buddhism."
Your family wanted you to sit down and eat with them because they love you. This is what families are supposed to do. As a Buddhist you should appreciate this opportunity to spend time with your family that clearly cares about you, and show them you love them in return by doing so even if you'd rather be smoking pot in the shower like all the "real" Buddhists do at family dinner time.
You're basically saying "I'm so Buddhist that I'm doing them a favour by withholding my love and attention, for they could just become attached to it and this would lead to their suffering." In fact, you posted this about compassion in another Thread, completely misunderstanding the Buddha's teaching; this understanding is flawed and anyone who takes five minutes to practice actual meditation would see that. In reality, this is just an excuse, and the real issue is simply that she annoys you and you feel you are above her, and your actions aren't selfless at all.
It sounds like you and your mother are somewhat alike, then. Neither of you likes your own parent too much. The difference is, you are the one tending to your ego, while your mother threw hers out the window and showed compassion and love towards her own. Your assumptions about her motives sound irrational, self-absorbed, and paranoid. If only you had learned from her real-time example.
And you have the ego of a son who doesn't respect the free ride he currently has and is unwilling to do arbitrary things for his mother out of love and respect. What sort of arbitrary things, incidentally? Give some examples. Frankly, if you said she was making you clean the toilet with your tongue, I wouldn't find it arbitrary in the slightest.
What you're saying is, you tried to force your beliefs and opinions onto them because you feel you're right and they're wrong. You weren't simply sharing your interests with them. You had other motives. Buddhism isn't a path for everyone.
You have a lot of learn about Buddhism yourself, first, and based on your posts, you should not be trying to teach others.
Having your beliefs challenged is a blessing, especially when you're unable to do so yourself. The Truth is the Truth, it can't be hurt or disproven... it won't disappear or be less true if someone pisses on it... the Buddha said that the Dhamma is open to investigation. So these things only frustrate us when we don't know the Truth ourselves, when we haven't experienced it fully ourselves... in other words, it's something we only believe in. And when this is the case, we feel the need to defend our belief in it, and become attached to it, and get upset when it's challenged and we don't have all of the answers. So sit down with yourself and observe the Truth within yourself. The Buddha taught the proper method which can be found in the suttas. It does not involve pot.
The best way to introduce others to Buddhism is by example. Your actions are showing them that Buddhism leads to introversion, drugs for the "sake of meditation," and an unappreciative, unloving, disrespectful son. That's the "Buddhism" you've introduced them to.
I hope you'll practice Buddhism tonight by sitting down and eating dinner with your family, and reintroduce them to what Buddhism truly is without saying a word about it.
For example, today I wake up at like 3, my family is gone. I make myself a bunch of scrambled eggs and go to the computer. Before I log in, they come home. They had gone to a restaurant to get food. When my mom saw that i was at the computer with my breakfast, she said "the only reason we didn't stay at the restaurant to eat there was for you." Already they have created a problem. Then she says "aren't you going to eat?" not in a curious tone, but in a biased tone. and i said "i'm already eating". then she said "well come eat with us." in a tone that implies she has the right to choose what i do. I went to the kitchen because I didn't want them to be sad or angry, and the only things i remember my mom said to me were "are you going to clean your room today?" and "it's your turn to take out the dishwasher stuff, ok?"
just now she said, "you didn't wash your pan, you have to wash it."
I've been eating with them lately. i think that's why they EXPECTED me to eat with them. I don't want this.
You make me sound very arrogant. I don't think that's an accurate interpretation of my intent. Maybe it's not clear to you because you don't live in my house, but I think it is definitely true that the more I give them, the more they expect from me, and their expectations is what I'm trying to reduce!
And it's not like eating with them is even pleasant. I don't talk to them because their conversations are full of delusions and I don't agree with them, and I don't want to tell them that because the way they argue is by trying to prove themselves right, so basically it's hard for me to say anything without either partaking in a delusion or creating conflict. So I just sit there. They, instead of asking me to eat with them, assume that I am "supposed" to eat with them, and then it's not even pleasant? In my opinion this is a great problem, and I was asking for help to fix it. It seems that while you guys are trying to help and have said some useful things, you are making assumptions about me and the situation that are incorrect.
I'll read your posts again to see what I can gain from them. Thanks for trying to help.
They hoped you would. They didn't expect/force you to do anything. They hoped you would because they care about you. You'd prefer it if they wanted nothing to do with you?
What is family? Family are the ones who let you live with them and try to include you in family activities despite getting yourself on house arrest and doing drugs in their home and constantly being selfish and self-absorbed. If they pay your rent and feed you and clothe you and god knows what else, then show them some respect and appreciation. Otherwise, you are the one being dishonest by mooching off them and giving not even your time to them in return once a day as you eat their food under their roof.
If their "delusions" (whatever this means) are rubbing off on you, that too is your problem, not theirs.
If you want some time for proper self-reflection alone, then talk to your mom about that, and show her the benefit that comes from it. But do you have to do it at dinnertime or whatever, while smoking pot under their roof? No. Try what the Buddha actually advised. Take care of your "arbitrary" responsibilities around the house beforehand.
You sound incredibly childish and unappreciative. Take some responsibility. Apologize, tell them you appreciate them thinking of you despite you being too lazy and irresponsible to get out of bed in the morning to show them the same respect, and sit down and eat with them what they brought you. When you get kicked out for your behaviour and are living on the street unsure of when you might get to eat next, you might start viewing things differently.
She supports you in all ways and brings you food home and asks you to make sure to do the dishes and clean your room like you're supposed to, what nerve!
Why should they not have expectations of you? You think Buddhism is about being free of responsibilities and expectations in the real world? Even monks have to take turns washing the dishes; there are many things expected of them. If you want her to stop asking you to do things, take initiative and surprise her by doing them before she has to ask you. So far, you've depicted her as a loving parent, forgiving to a fault, with the typical basic expectation that you do a few chores like every other teen on the planet and spend half an hour eating dinner with them.
What delusions? Absolutely the only delusions I've heard you speak of so far are the assumptions you've admitted to making that are causing you issues here, and your misunderstandings of the Buddha's teachings.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but my god...
what does it matter at what point in the earths rotation i am done resting? how is it irresponsible? you're saying i should wake up earlier to show respect? what is "respect" in that hypothetical situation? causing myself suffering to satisfy their desire of knowing that I wake up at a certain time? what good does waking up at that time actually bring?
It is true they brought me food. This was not necessary. It was also not necessary for me to eat it, because i had already made myself food. it shouldn't be a problem that there is food i am not eating. why did they want me to eat with them? why did they bring the food? was it out of compassion for me? i don't think so. if they wanted to help me suffer less, they would leave me alone.
I can't list their delusions. I can't remember specific examples. But everything they say seems like it's only being said to maintain their egos. They are things that don't interest me. They talk about problems, politics, their views and opinions about things.
Why do you want me to give you examples? I'm sure you've noticed people have delusions and that they become apparent when they speak.
and i'm not saying i shouldn't help with the dishes. but they way they ask, is a way that implies that they have the right to choose what I do. and not only does this make me angry, but I am afraid that if I do what they say, it will reinforce their ego/belief that they can do that. and then they will have more expectations and become angry if i don't comply with those.
A major part of Buddhism is open-mindedness; it's investigating and testing things before accepting or rejecting them. Please do so with the good advice that you've gotten from the people on this forum; and keep in mind that, at the end of the day, you are the only one that can really help you. If you are determined to cling to this point of view that you have regarding your family, then there isn't much that anyone can do to help.
The fact is, practicing in these kinds of situations is exactly what Buddhist meditation is for. This is the reason why we all expressed disbelief the other day, when you said you were meditating using drugs. It takes a sharp, stable mind to skillfully navigate these kinds of threats. But if you approach it the right way, this can be an excellent practice opportunity, because your family will let you hit reset, over and over again. I guarantee you, you have internalized many of the traits and behaviors you complain about your parents exhibiting, and they will cause you serious problems later in life when you're around people who don't care so much about you. So now is a good time to see those patterns operating within yourself, and bring an end to them. A serious meditation practice could help a lot with that.
~ AD
fivebells. I'm glad you understand. And since I started looking into buddhism, i realized that my family could benefit a lot from it. But I've always avoided practicing with them because it's such a daunting task. It's sooo much effort. I am still new to buddhism, as many of you have noticed i have many problems, and I don't think I can fix them instantly. In other words, dealing with my family feels like too big a problem for me to handle right now. so instead of being super compassionate towards them, I try to avoid them. The only times they see me negatively is when they already expected something from me. but i don't want to be compassionate towards them in case they see it as a surrender, because I do NOT want to surrender my rights. Of course it is possible for me to be compassionate without surrendering my rights, but for that to be possible I have to know that they won't see it as such and I think they would because I don't think they understand things very well. I understand this is partly an ego thing. But I can't help it. They expect things of me, and something inside of my mind says "no, they don't have the right to expect that of me, I can't allow them to believe that".
for example. my mom is always asking me to commit to things. committal. I hate it. The truth is, the future isn't here yet and we don't know what it will be, so when my mom says "are you going to do this and this and that by the end of today?", what she is really doing is asking me to disregard any reasons i might have in the future (yeah, i count laziness) to not do these things. the true answer to that question is "i don't know" but if i don't say "yes" she will be angry, so to me it feels very unfair that she is basically saying something like "if you don't sacrifice your future i will annoy you with my anger". she does this because she assumes that because she is my parent she has the right to do that. i disagree! like i said, i don't say that to them, do I! i see this as unfair, and I'm not taking "well that's just how it (society) is!" as a reason.
Hopefully I'll find solutions to these problems soon, I think I'm definitely closer than before. Talking about these things helps, thanks again for your advice I promise I'll consider it.
So let me get this right. They feed you, shelter you, probably clothe you, they are concerned about your well being and probably have some responsibility for you as you are under house arrest and under 18, but they are not allowed to expect anything in return?
I would try to use this as an oportunity to practice authentic buddhism. Observe what works and what does not work. It takes a while to weed out some mistaken ideas and that process goes on for ages. But when something is not working it hurts. Sometimes what we think is wrong is not it. And we need to create a gap. By seeing it is not working and just seeing that what you are doing is not working sometimes that creates enough of a gap for a new consiousness to come to the situation.
Your parents won't always be leaning on you but you will have: bosses, co-workers, lovers, husbands or wives, children, friends. You will often have problems and don't be scared if you have a problem but take it as an oportunity to test 'buddhism' to see if it works and discard what does not work.
However, apologies for that because I too could do with the same slap.
After a little deliberation I can see many similarities between your relationship with your parents and my relationship with my wife and kids; I often have exactly the same feelings as yourself, yet you're 17 and I'm 40! I need a bigger slap 'cos I'm older and should be wiser maybe?
Anyway, its easy for me to fault find with my wife and daughter (especially if they're after attention but I want to do what I want to do, and be left alone), but I know when I'm feeling negative about my family's 'faults', the fault is really within me.
However, knowing that at an intellectual level doesn't make my actions or feelings any better; and I guess that's one of the things I hope Buddhism will 'fix' in me.
I believe they SHOULD NOT expect things of me. I think Buddha would agree; expectations lead to suffering. Now this doesn't mean I think I shouldn't do the dishes. And I understand that there is the problem of what if they ask nicely and I still don't do the dishes. Which is likely to happen because I am very lazy. I don't know the answer to that. I'll think about it.
no, the buddha said -craving and clinging-leads to suffering. And it is one's own craving that leads to one's own suffering. You are blaming your parent's expectations for your suffering when it's your expectations that you are very strongly clinging to (that she not expect anything, ironically) that is causing your suffering. Listen to Urizen. Expectations are necessary in the real world for it to function effectively. Apparently all involved think you should do the dishes so what is the problem with her reminding you when you don't take inititiative?
You say the Buddha taught that expectations lead to suffering and yet the Buddha laid out numerous rules and expectations for his monks and failure to follow them lead to consequences. And within the sangha there are many basic expectations as well such as -doing dishes-... And when you fail to pull your weight, you get the boot. You ready to live on the street?
I've read this entire thread, and I hope I have some things to say that would be of benefit to you.
Although you're in a situation you don't want to be in, and around people who you believe cause you stress, this could be an opportunity of a lifetime for you in learning more deeply the practices of mindfulness and metta and deepening your meditation.
I'm fairly new to Buddhism myself and have my own life struggles to learn how to grow through.
But I have raised a few teenagers, and still have one at home who has two friends that practically live here. They practically live here because their home life is miserable.
Their parents would just as soon we adopt them so that they could be done with them.
They are troubled youth and have been in trouble by being public nuisances, (mostly just kid stuff) and as most teenagers, they are lazy and ungrateful.
But I love each one of them and see the goodness in them just on the edge of bursting out and often see their goodness shining through.
I share this part of my life with you so that you will know that I understand the struggles of youth.
I know it must be a lot worse for you, because there is no escaping the situation you are in, unless you go to jail or something.
But since you ARE stuck, I would urge you to use this opportunity to grow.
As much as possible, use the internet to listen to free audio dharma at dharmaseed.org or at audiodharma.org or dalilama.org. Learn from these teachers. They have learned a lot, been through a lot, and have a lot to share about just about everything.
Learn about mindfulness. It has helped me tremendously.
There is too much to learn to mention here. But they have search engines and you could probably find talks that seem that they were made especially for you.
Discipline yourself to go to bed earlier so that you can wake up earlier. Self-discipline is the only kind that really counts, I think.
Do the dishes before you're asked. Clean your room on a regular basis. Join your family for meals. Do it all from a standpoint of self-discipline.
I truly hope this has helped somewhat. I'm in pain and have to go lie back down, so I can't really finish this right now.
Blessings upon blessings to you,
Ruby Faye
There's only one solution for that: practice! You have plenty of time for it, now.
Surrender is exactly the right thing to do, here. Just commit to trying it for three weeks. Do whatever they tell you for that period, and see where it leads you. They are your family. They won't demand anything terrible of you, and they will let you hit reset if it doesn't work out. That is, you can always go back to the rebellious posture you're assuming now, if you want.
Obviously, this approach is going to bring up a lot of emotional reactions in you, but as bad as they feel now, believe me, you're going to feel a lot worse as you start to integrate with groups outside your family circle. All this stuff about fairness makes a kind of sense in the context of a family, but outside the family, it is definitely a childish way of relating to the world, and even inside the family, it is usually not useful. People generally care more about what you can offer them than about fairness, and if all you have to offer is imprecations about how unfair everything is, they aren't going to be too interested. I had to learn this the hard way, and it destroyed my life. You have an opportunity to avoid that pain, here.
These are very minor sacrifices she's asking of you. It's not really about the time and trouble of the chore, is it? Isn't more about who's in control of your life? That's how it was for me. I always feared that the more I gave my parents, the more they would demand from me, because by doing as they asked, I had allowed them some influence over my life. In retrospect, that was pretty foolish. I bet if you did everything they asked of you, you would actually end up with more autonomy than you currently have. (House arrest must be pretty disempowering, after all...)
The solution is within you. You won't change your parents. I believe you when you say they're controlling and egotistical. But I'm telling you, from bitter experience, that you're just going to have to live with it for now. Not just because you can't change them (though you can't), but primarily because you have learned to be controlling and egotistical from them, which is bound to hurt you later in life, and by surrendering, you can unlearn this harmful approach.
Externally, the solution is to surrender to their demands for now. Internally, it's to learn that you don't have to react to the negative emotional reactions this surrender engenders. A solid meditation practice is very useful for this purpose. In fact, Buddhist practice is pretty much useless for any other purpose, as far as I can tell.
She isn't asking you to disregard any reason. I'm sure if you get struck by lightning, she'll forgive you for not doing the dishes. When you agree to something, it's generally understood that you're agreeing to fulfill your promise to the best of your abilities, god- and mother nature-permitting. Given you're on house arrest, and were asking how you should spend your time, you don't really have any excuses (laziness certainly isn't legitimate). If you were in school, had a job, had a bunch of responsibilities, then not bothering with the dishes once in a while would be understandable. But your mom doesn't get to say "screw the rent" or "screw my job" or "screw groceries," does she?
Here, you can even turn doing the dishes into a Buddhist practice of mindfulness meditation! =D
In a way, you do. You EXPECT that no one have EXPECTATIONS (do you not see the hypocrisy?) of you. Then, when your mother doesn't meet your expectations to have no expectations of you, get you angry, and I'm sure this annoys her.
Anyway, you don't have to remind her of her responsibilities. She is the refridgerator fairy that supplies you with food and the shower fairy that supplies your soap and shampoo and the closet fairy that does your laundry and buys you clothes. But if you grew up never having those things because she was too lazy to be bothered, I imagine you'd give her a nudge every once in a while, or a "Would you please take care of your goddamn responsibilities? :rant:"
Your mother doesn't have to continue giving you a free ride. What happens when you get kicked out and have to make it on your own? Are you going to get pissed when your boss gives you crap for coming to work stoned or not showing up on time, or when your landlord tells you it's not ok that your rent was late and to keep the property tidy or to get lost?
I was you when I was a teen. I caused my family and myself a lot of suffering. I thought it was all them, but it wasn't. Parents can act in ways just to maintain control and puff up their egos but so does everyone, including you. We're all douchebags, and I'm sure your mother has her own moments along with the rest of us human folk.
"The following should be looked upon as the six quarters. The parents should be looked upon as the East, teachers as the South, wife and children as the West, friends and associates as the North, servants and employees as the Nadir, ascetics and brahmans as the Zenith.8
"In five ways, young householder, a child should minister to his parents as the East:
(i) Having supported me I shall support them,
(ii) I shall do their duties,
(iii) I shall keep the family tradition,
(iv) I shall make myself worthy of my inheritance,
(v) furthermore I shall offer alms in honor of my departed
relatives
Sigalovada Sutta: The Discourse to Sigala
The Layperson's Code of Discipline
http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/dn/dn.31.0.nara.html
Ditto. :uphand:
Seriously OP work with us.. A lot of our frustration with YOU is really frustration with OUR previous selves and our parents when we were your age. Yes I think you are confused with some things but I still think you are a good kid and I hope you will still work on your problems.
Surrender. Create a gap. Your awareness will rush in.... Have faith in your indestructible heart.
It's yours, Jeffrey. Didn't you send it to me in a PM so I could show off? So Buddhist of you.
I imagine your frustration and pain. I also imagine confusion. At seventeen I didn't have parents to demand that I do chores, etc. and wasn't allowed house arrest. I was training for combat in the military to avoid being incarcerated at the California Youth Authority until I turned 21 or 22 years old due to my involvement with drugs and violence. I always imagined myself as a warrior, courageous and noble. It wasn't until the 10th year of a 20year prison sentence that I really came to understand what real courage is and what it means to be a true warrior.
I came to know that courage is facing myself - my own pain, frustration, anger, confusion - and quit blaming all those others "out there" for the consequences of my own actions (karma baby!). I learned that this means having the strength and determination to eat all the stuff I created for myself and eventually knowing how to do it joyfully. I also learned in prison to accept circumstances as the are - imagine being shackled hand and foot in chains and cuffs that feel like their crushing your ankles and wrists for hours at a time or being locked in a tiny freezing cold 9'x 6' cell for days.
Shit! house arrest with mom and dad, OMG! yes it seems terrible to you now! yes, it sucks big time! yes your "fuuuck" response to what you're reading clearly expresses your pain.
I want you to understand that it's exactly the practice of sitting down and shutting-up, of letting stuff be what it is - no matter how shitty or painful that's the basis of Buddhist training and it's that training that will help you become a truly strong and courageous human being.
You can do this - just take one step, rest, then take one more step. All these folks have given you great advice. It's just up to you to do it!
Shalom and Hugs
lol
You have got some superb advice here but I don't think you are digesting it because you don't sound sober. I don't think drugs will help you in anything. Drugs are only going to make this look worse than it really is, make you act in ways you might regret later. So first of all, get help for the drug issue you have. Please get help from someone you feel comfortable to talk with
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But FYI, marijuana does not make things look worse than they really are. Only if you let it. If you control your high, you can make it a GREAT HUUUGE help in seeing things how they really are. When you say "drugs... make you act in ways you might regret later", it looks to me like maybe you're believing society's dictums wihtout analyzing them first. sure, some drugs might do that, but marijuana is NOT what most people believe it to be. Don't slander my favorite plant.
My drug "issue" is that some adults think marijuana is bad for me.
But this thread isn't about drugs. Thanks everyone for your help, especially fivebells/jeffrey, you put it really well.
I was born in SF and raised around the Bay Area, mostly in the Santa Clara Valley. I started using drugs when I was thirteen and got in to smuggling and running crews selling by sixteen. Let's just say I had some really influential family connections to that world.
Dear friend, your argument in favor of using "pot" is soooo familiar. Pot was my favorite drug of choice for about thirty years. Here's what it did for me. It kept me broke and chasing it most of the time. When I did make money smuggling and selling I just partied the money away to prove what a bigshot I was. I developed chronic bronchial and sinus diseases and had repeated bouts of pneumonia. I also was scared most of the time, scared of being busted or robbed or not having the drug.
I was convinced that taking pot (THC in many forms) was soothing, it took the edge off and helped me cope with stuff. I wasn't dis-functional and my problem was simply that others (as you say) didn't really understand or were slaves to propaganda.
What I finally discovered was that far from helping me the pot use made me weak, a coward, unable to really be in touch with life as it was. I was not free because I was a slave to the drug; yeah I can imagine you saying "but that's not me!!" Can you imagine how many times I've heard that drag!
Dear friend, I KNOW from many years of hard experience that any drug use, the use of anything that clouds mental alertness and awareness is harmful. I also have come to realize that Buddhist training leads to freedom from slavery to drugs and all things that cloud the mind. And, guess what, through intensive meditation I've discovered that I feel just as high as I ever was on pot and that it lasts sooo much longer, almost all the time, and I don't have to chase after it or spent money for it or worry about it at all.
IT'S GREAT!!
But you can't get there while you're still using cuz using blocks you from making it to that place. It's kind of a sick joke. In order to get and stay just as high or higher than you ever did on pot, all the time, you have to give it up and train really hard with courage and patience for sometime. It's easy for some of us to just go out and buy a gram, and eighth, or a pound and smoke away. It's also the cowards way, the fools way, and really kinda sadly weak. I imagine you'd rather not be seen as weak, a coward, or foolish. I imagine you want to really put an end to whatever it is that's got you down. That's what I'm imagining is coming through what you're writing.
There are really powerful people in the Bay Area who KNOW what you're trying to do and how to really help you if you'll let them. They will not judge you and believe me many of them know all too well about using drugs and how Buddhist Training can get you to a place where you'll know how truly superficial and weak drugs are in comparison to real mind altering stuff.
Here's a couple of links:
http://www.liberationprisonproject.org/
I imagine you're asking, What's a prison project got to do with me? Just contact these folks and tell them your story with honesty and courage and ask them to hook you up with somebody to help.
http://www.bpf.org/
Same here.
If I knew more about where you actually lived in the Bay Area I may be able to direct you to a closer resource.
You might as the Liberation Prison Project folks about hooking up with the Land of the Medicine Buddha or Vajrapani Institute as a work-study for a while to get some training? and make some kind of arrangments to finish your education, if that's still needed.