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Fitting in meditation around family life...
Tosh
Veteran
In the beginning when I first started I attempted to get my family to be quiet - just for half an hour - so I could meditate, but this didn't work. One of the 'blighters' would do something 'quietly' (there's nothing as noisy as a family member trying to be quiet) and I'd end up frustrated and yelling at them. :eek:
Obviously this isn't good and didn't work!
So I try - sometimes successfully - to get up earlier than them to meditate, and in the evening I try to meditate when they've gone to bed, but this can sometimes be after midnight and I'm almost falling asleep myself.
How do you guys fit in meditation around your family life, I'm just wondering if I can get any tips here?
Obviously this isn't good and didn't work!
So I try - sometimes successfully - to get up earlier than them to meditate, and in the evening I try to meditate when they've gone to bed, but this can sometimes be after midnight and I'm almost falling asleep myself.
How do you guys fit in meditation around your family life, I'm just wondering if I can get any tips here?
0
Comments
I can't tell you more than that because I don't belong to that "school" but Shambhala & Pema Chodron teach that type of meditation.
I once heard of a Zen monestary who's meditation room was also the main entrance and reception room - helped develop their awareness of the now.
As has been said, its all about what meditation you are doing - not too good for pathway or contemplation meditation.
this really works the best if you dont want to meditate on family busy-ness.
either that or meditate with your family.
I think it may be your expectations that are disturbing you (the expectation that it need be silent to meditate) and not actually the noise itself. At least, that is how it would work for me.
When I was at University, I would in the beginning go up to the library to study. You have no idea how noisy a library can be when you demand silence.
I remember one day, the day I threw in the towel on silence, there were two girls over in a corner whisper giggling. Suffice it to say, I wanted to ring their giggling little necks.
It actually started studying in the cafeteria with better luck, at least there I knew what I was dealing with and just zoned it out.
There is a cute little story about this problem some centuries old. This nothing new.
It seems that this fellow left his family and his work, going off by himself into the forest by a steam, so dedicated was he to finding some success in his meditation.
Every day he would sit by that stream, in this ideal situation and apply himself to his meditation, expecting great things because of all his great sacrifices. But, he began to realize almost right away that something wasn’t working. For one thing that darn stream gurgled really loudly. HE/HE/HE
Expectations are probably the loudest distraction in this world.
Warm Regards,
S9
You've hit the nail on the head. The same as the rest of you lot, I thought meditation HAD to be done in silence. Well at least I know it doesn't have to be in 'complete' silence any more which is great, since I know have a wider time span to do it, rather than early early, or very late.
Thank you. I'll practise not expecting silence, so I won't get annoyed.
Regards,
Tosh.
That being said, that you don't require silence, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting something like silence, (lets call it quiet), and doing your dog-gone best to obtain it. Just don't require perfection, and cut down your internal noise in that way.
A friend of mine told me, just today, "Tell him to get some of those sound surpressing ear protectors or muffs, (Not quite sure what they are called) like what guys use when working around heavy/noisy machinery.
I don't believe they cost very much. But, they are not perfect either, (any kid worth his salt can make himself heard even with them). But it will muffle the sounds to some extent. After all, we are the tool using animal, so go for it. : ^ )
Quiet regards,
S9
I started my meditation practice in a crazy house with housemates who partied a lot and constantly interupted me. With the right mindset you can still have great meditation. I was reading the shambhala meditation style (as Foibles mentioned) and so I had the confidence that I could meditate in that scene. I just welcomed as my experience whatever came up (music, enquiries if I would like a beer, etc).
Besides, I like to say..."Are there not times when nothing is louder than our own minds?"
Hey, I've got a set of my old army ear defenders handy. I use them when I chainsaw firewood. Thank your friend for me.
I'm smiling as I type this, I can just imagine my teenage daughter coming into my office (aka spare bedroom) and I'm sat there meditating, bolt upright, eyes closed, wearing a set of ear defenders on.
It'll confirm her suspicions that I am really bonkers.
Top tip though.
I've been having this same problem with not being able to find a quiet enough time to meditate, since I moved in with my boyfriend last year. Before then I lived alone, so this has never been a problem for me until recently. Also, I moved long distance so no longer go to the buddhist centre I mentioned before.
There's some good advice here, but no matter what I do I still can't seem to get as into the meditation as I once use to. :-/ I've even tried using ear plugs, but then I find I'm distracted by the sound of my heartbeat being louder than usual! I've tried to use the heartbeat as a focus, which I guess can be good sometimes, but it's not always quite what I want to do. If there are sounds elsewhere in the house or outside that doesn't usually bother me too much, as long as they're not too loud. But I think the problem I have here is that it's extremely rare that I can have just one room to myself, and I find it's just too distracting to have another person in the same room who's not meditating, no matter how quiet they're trying to be.
I've also tried this, but unfortunately it hasn't worked for me so far. :-/ I find I either observe it, label it, but then can't let it go because it's annoying me, or if it's a sudden unexpected noise it makes me jump and interupts the meditation that way.
If anyone has any advice specifically for trying to meditate in a room with other people who are not meditating, it would be appreciated. Either that, or if someone has managed to do this sucessfully it would be good to know that it is at least possible!
Meditation can be very frustrating if you are longing for a pleasure.
I like the sit down and shut-up method along with simply "noting" (Bang!) sound, (flash!) sight, (odor) smell, (bitter,sweet, etc) taste, (hard/soft) touch, (pleasant/unpleasant) thought; okay that's nice, settle, settle, settle; like boiling water taken off the fire just settle the water down til it is really calm - (BANG!!) sound, okay, settle.
I did this in forever echoing cacophony in a metal and concrete cell in a cellblock of a prison with 500 guys shouting cursing, metal doors slamming, bells ringing, music blaring, people walking by, day and night or on the prison yard with 1,000 other guys, sitting on a bench - when I could get a place - or walking in meditation with people walking by making threatening or sarcastic remarks and sometimes spitting at my feet or actually on me.
In my case meditation was the fruit of the sustained practice of simply coming back to some semblance of concentration on an object - breath, step, feeling, etc. - kinda like house breaking a puppy (oops back on the paper!)
with humor.
Shugs (Shalom and Hugs)
In this way, I feel myself to be whole or complete. I am body, mind, and spirit. I try not to make these three in opposition to each other, but rather complimentary to each other.
I look through my meditation like it is a glass window, and in that way I don’t have to stop everything else in order to do it. (I practice watching breath)
I do it while standing in line at the grocery store. I do it when driving. I do it while reading. I'm doing it right now, while writing this. I do it when just about everything else is going on, along beside, and not instead of everything else. So that noise or stress is just one more challenge, and I am grateful for it.
Warm Regards,
S9
If you make it a routine, you become attached to that routine, and it is displeasing to you to meditate under other circumstances. If you let it go, on the other hand... well, you see my point?
Quiet place is really good for practising meditation but the silence make me fall in sleep easily
Sometimes I found that noise are not bad because I know I am being.
meditation can be practised on crowded train, or on top of a mountain.
The place is different.
The consistent factor is you.
You are 'being' whether in silence or in noise.
Meditate within, not considering outside influences.
Hi, Bob.
I don't want to cause you to struggle with your ego or anything (;)) but what a fantastic post.
I've been reading your posts with great interest in general but especially because of your experience in prison. I can't think of a better way to spend one's time in a prison than practicing the Buddhadhamma and I'm so happy for you that you found it at such a time in your life. I think the practice of Buddhism is probably the best antidote there is to the suffering that comes from being imprisoned because it's tailor made for the prison of samsara.
I often think of people who are imprisoned and I often picture myself being a prisoner as well. The benchmark for what I consider to be important in life usually has something to do with a prison, as in: "Would I have access to this (for example, money...my books...a certain loved food...whatever it is I'm suffering the lack of...) if I were being held prisoner in a 6'x6' bamboo prison in south east Asia and would it help me to keep my sanity or offer me some relief from my suffering?"
I've been using the 'bamboo cage' analogy since I was a teenager. I have no idea where I got it from but it's been extremely helpful in my life.
When I'm suffering I'll often compare what I actually have now in terms if freedom, support, comforts and so on to what I would have in the bamboo cage and it instantly dissolves most of the more surface suffering which is usually the kind of suffering that's obviously self-inflicted. Basically it's about bringing things right down to the bare necessities and visualizing myself with nothing, not even freedom, and then comparing my real life to that. Seen in this light, so many things lose their importance and their hold on me and the important things rise to the surface which makes everything simpler and gives me peace.
But to actually have experienced the hardships that come with incarceration (had to find another word for prison...) is a whole different kettle of fish and I know my imagination can't even come close to what the real thing must be like. To have gone through it and come out with a firm practice in the Dhamma is such an extraordinary accomplishment. Although it sounds crazy to say, I can understand how rich an experience it must have been and one from which you probably draw great strength, equanimity, compassion, meditation training and so many other essential components of spiritual practice and development.
I just wanted to say that.
If you were able to meditate in such difficult circumstances, I'm sure I'm able to meditate in a bedroom with just one other person who's trying to be quiet and just doing their own thing.
On reflection, I think (in my case anyway) that I've had a phase of particularly "good" meditations, and I've probably been trying to cling to that - which of course is not going to be very helpful.
I think the problem I have at the moment is just that there have been a lot of changes in my life recently, which are positive changes, but will take some time to adjust to. So I guess my stress levels have been a little higher than normal because of these changes, and have of course impacted on my meditating, as well as other aspects of my life. I think I've been trying to blame my "unsucessful" meditations for the stress, which apart from being completely unhelpful, was not the case at all.
N: On reflection, I think (in my case anyway) that I've had a phase of particularly "good" meditations, and I've probably been trying to cling to that - which of course is not going to be very helpful.
S9: Actually we do not know what is a good meditation, and what is not. We only know what is a pleasant, or unpleasant meditation. : ^ )
What if (just wondering) the good meditations are the ones that are seemingly the most difficult at the time, because these are the ones where we are actually growing the most, like lifting a heavy weight?
Then you might be wise to wish that you could be challenged more often, and also grow like crazy because of it.
It seems like on the other side of this trial by fire that many impurities, and lingering bad habits of thought, might have been burned off.
Q: “One mans definition of heaven was gratitude.”
Just a thought,
S9
My best friend spent a year in military prison, which is a heck of a lot less violent because of all the cheap labor as jailers, but it is still the depths of hell, all because he wouldn’t go to Vietnam and kill/kill/kill.
He told me that no one could possibly imagine how terrible it was, all the noise, the smells, the lack of freedom, and loss of all the tiny things we enjoy without thinking about them, not to mention being cut off from his loved ones cold turkey. It was a shock he never completely recovered from, like a deep scar.
He learned so much from being in jail though. He has such personal strength and clarity developed under these horrible circumstances, that sometimes I have actually envied him this experience, believe it or not.
I hope we can learn from you, as I have learned from him, how to cut through the crap and find out what is important. : ^ )
Respectfully,
S9
Our solution is to practice a kind of radical shikantaza, the unity of stillness and motion. No such thing as a wrong condition, wrong noise, wrong circumstance. The only requisite is the cushion and sitting dead still., everything else just goes and goes and goes, no bother. Ofcourse if you are trying to enter the Jhana I dont know what you can do.
I see your point, but meditation is most helpful when done consistently. I do change rooms in the house I do it in, but I do have one area I prefer. I've read in books, online, and Buddhist magazines to have a specific place to meditate as it will help the practitioner to settle into meditating easier. I'm just getting back to it and finding what works and what doesn't. But my big thing is to sit (no movement so I can pay attention) and do it daily. Since I usually do Mindfulness of Breathing and Metta Bhavana, I know what I want to focus on. And when I lose concentration, I just gently remind myself to get back to what I want to be doing. Right now, the effort is more important to me and that requires discipline. Routines do help us to stay focused and in practice in ways that help us. If something doesn't work, toss it out I would say and find something that does work.
That is so true. At times I fight the urge to fall asleep. I try to go for a walk or have a cup of tea/coffee before meditating. Chammomile is not a good choice at this time. Just something to help me wake up a bit as I want to get the most out of it. But I keep it to one serving of caffeine per ADA guidelines so not to over do it.
Please do what works for you! I recognized after rereading my post it could be taken as I was getting on a high horse which I have no business doing. Plus, how do you look holy. The only holy thing about me are my socks. But they are more holey than righteous!
Wouldn't it be cool if there was a sort of pilates\power yoga\whatever meditation? Theoretically there is a lot of things written concerning the body, like the marks of an enlightened being, or the appearance of beings in other realms, or the results of karma in your body. There could be something that would go present body -> enlightened body through exercises, or something. :-P
For me,those are not that much more difficult than meditating in a quiet bedroom or on a deserted beach. I'm coming to believe that the real distraction is inside my head rather than outside of it. Some background noise, be that traffic or crowd chattering, may even be surprisingly soothing.
The regular need for a quiet place is quiet a tyranny, especially if you're participating in this modern life of ours. Learning that that the need is exaggerated has been tremendously liberating for me.
I agree with your point. : ^ )
I think in the very beginning of meditation, we first learn that our mind habitually follows the strongest stimulation in the room. (Even if a pin drops.) We need to train our minds, much like we would a very young child, how to apply attention where we want it, and not to just be pushed around by the minds old habits of chasing after distractions.
In a way, when we sit on the cushion, take on a particular posture, and demand absolute quiet, it is sort of like a ritual. This is because rituals are far more stimulating than just watching mind directly, and they also give us permission to change.
After a while, however, as we gain some skill in this area of directing our own attention, we begin to realize that we aren’t doing anything on that cushion that we couldn't do all day long, morning til night, whenever we remembered to do it, and this also strengthens recall.
So we take meditation off of the cushion, and out into our daily lives, using everything in life as an opportunity to grow through this more directed attention. All of life becomes a major opportunity to gain in wisdom. (Like running up hill, for the added challenge, after years of running only on a flat surface.)
We no longer need a cushion, nor a posture, or even quiet in order to meditate.
Meditation becomes a way of life.
Warm Regards,
S9
Some practical bits of advice I've picked up here and there;
Firstly, make sure you're other half appreciates how important this is to you. I think we all deserve a bit of time to ourselves each day, family or not - so maybe if he/she can hold the fort for half hour while you meditate you can reciprocate for them.
Experiment with walking meditation (if it suits you). This gets you out of the house and away from the distractions.
Work on informal meditation practices - mentioned above. At the very least these can help refocus your awareness at different times of the day.
Download a meditation sound-track thing for your ipod. There are some imporbable claims attached to many of these, but I like the fact they drown out unholy rackets.
This is the theory anyway.... I'll find out if it actually works in about 3 months time.
I can guarantee you one thing, right off the bat, when your baby comes, at least at first, you won’t be getting enough sleep. This in itself will make it hard to start (cold turkey) on a new practice. So my advice to you would be to start working on some new variety of practice, right now, while you are still at your personal best. : ^ )
I am not suggesting that you give up sitting meditation now, but rather that you add a few interesting ways to do practice into your life.
There are many things we do during the day that take little or no attention, like peeling vegetables or taking out the rubbish, or even cleaning off the table after a meal. If you use these opportunities to watch your breath while doing them, then later on when you are walking a crying baby in the middle of the night (dog tired), you can do walking the baby meditation without any unanticipated problems. You will have alreay ironed out the wrinkles.
Funny thing, too, you may find that your calm meditive 'Presence' will also soothe your baby. They seem to pick up on these things, like anxiety or calmness.
Warm Regards,
S9
I still have issues if I'm practicing samatha, where I'm attempting to engage in single-pointed concentration on my breath. Distractions seem to work against what I'm trying to do there.
If I'm working with vipassana, I make it part of the exercise. If the distraction (arguing children, barking dog, talking wife, footsteps, etc) is in the fore of my attention, I note it while it lasts, note when it passes away, and then return to my anchor. (Attention on each moment of my breath) Usually it is not disruptive. Of course, if a kid knocks on the door... :P
I guess it's obvious that this would help if you think about it, but somehow it never occured to me before. :smilec:
Dear Tosh . First of all thanks for the laugh (there's nothing as noisy as a family member trying to be quiet --
Second, in my own tradition, or at least the way I practice, noise is not antithetical to meditation. If there is noise, there is noise. Return to the object of meditation (or if there is no object, return to meditation also)
For example, if a little bit of noise is a disturbance, how can we bring to the fore the objective of meditation - which is to live in and as life, fully?
Hope it all goes swimmingly.
Gassho
PS Here is an account by the great Ajahn Sumedho --
And an excerpt from Intuitive Awareness --