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Dry Buddhist time?
Jerbear
Veteran
Many of you may think "Dry Buddhist?". It's my way of saying that I'm not practicing to the best of my ability. Though most of Buddhism I agree with philosophically, many know I still take an agnostic approach to it. I've been going through more than I care to go into, but let's say that my own anger at life has taken over. The straw that broke the camel's back was that I was turned down for Social Security Disability. I paid into it, I can't work, but was told I don't qualify. Will be reapplying but since I was also turned down for Public Assistance, not sure what to think. Some may say I'm burning off bad karma, I'm not sure on that one. Not having worked and no income for 13 months has been quite difficult.
The love of my life said to me the other day "I know you haven't been practicing Buddhism like you used to. You were calmer and kinder then and I miss that so much for you. You were happy." What a wake up call! Following two very wise people's advice on this site, starting tomorrow a.m., it's back to basics. I miss it myself and not sure what has stopped me from getting back to things. I've been trying, but not been able to get the habit going. It's something I will have to do for me eventually, but my partner's statement hit me between the eyes. His pointing out the amount of anger I have been expressing has been distressing. Not for him, but he sees it eating me up. I'm worth more thank you. Just will have to look at it in the mythological sense of fighting Mara instead of some other person or institution.
Trying to practice hoensty in "all of my affairs" and wanted others that may be going through something similar that you are not alone. Will take this one day at a time. This may turn into a blog of sorts. Say what ever you want, but this is more for me. Thanks for listening.
The love of my life said to me the other day "I know you haven't been practicing Buddhism like you used to. You were calmer and kinder then and I miss that so much for you. You were happy." What a wake up call! Following two very wise people's advice on this site, starting tomorrow a.m., it's back to basics. I miss it myself and not sure what has stopped me from getting back to things. I've been trying, but not been able to get the habit going. It's something I will have to do for me eventually, but my partner's statement hit me between the eyes. His pointing out the amount of anger I have been expressing has been distressing. Not for him, but he sees it eating me up. I'm worth more thank you. Just will have to look at it in the mythological sense of fighting Mara instead of some other person or institution.
Trying to practice hoensty in "all of my affairs" and wanted others that may be going through something similar that you are not alone. Will take this one day at a time. This may turn into a blog of sorts. Say what ever you want, but this is more for me. Thanks for listening.
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Comments
As far as coming back to practicing I agree with that too. Its very worthwhile to practice regardless of if you win or lose the case.
Jeff,
Thank you for your prompt response. I am taking the practice back up for my mental/emotional health. Having had 3 hospitalizations in 6 months was hard physically but tougher mentally being a registered nurse and not being able to do what I love. I may have to let it go, but what the practice gives me is mine to keep as long as I keep it up.
Yes, I'm calling a lawyer!
Jerry
My goal right now is to be able to follow 5 breaths without losing concentration. Since my partner and new therapist are encouraging me in this, it sure does help. Plan on doing the Metta Bhavana before I go to sleep so it will be the last thing on my mind before I go to bed.
One thing I am not doing is reading anything at this point. For those who know me, I totally get into reading about stuff, but I just need to keep things simple. The practice is for me. And for anyone reading this, your practice is for you!
Be well.
My practice is also for you. If I cannot see through the pain and the discomfort and the mental anguish that comes with sitting/life, then how could I hope for someone in your condition to be able to do the same?
Note: If you have to take any medication that might make you sleepy, meditating while laying in bed may not be a good idea. Got through 4 parts of the Metta Bhavana then fell asleep. The Good part is that I got one of the best nights sleep I got in a while.
SherabDorje,
May you be well
May you be happy
May you be free from suffering
The best thing I can say right now.
Some further thought, how does one stay motivated in the early stages if it is not for themselves? Yes, eventually one should grow that they are doing it for more than themselves. That is one of the lessons of the Metta Bhavana to me You have to get out of yourself and do it for others but one is looking for the benefits out of some selfish motives. Right now where I'm at, I don't think it's a bad thing. In fact, it was my therapist who encouraged me to do it no matter what my motive was. I'm open to learning and changing my mind when it's time, but for right now, selfishness will do.
Palzang
True.
Pally,
You are so right. I still struggle with it and work at it daily. Look for a PM from me in the next day or two, if I may.
01/13/10
Today's meditation went well! 30 minutes total with a mix of MOB and MB! Not sure how long on each but just glad that I was able to keep to 5 breaths more than not. Due to my physical limitations I have to sit in a straight back chair. It prevents pain for me and enables me to sit longer. Take this if you can use it, but please follow the advice of experienced meditators.
I can't wait to get back to using the meditation chair I purchased which I loved and could afford back then (Zen by Design). Just hurts too much now. All my other meditation supplies (zafus, zabutons) I've given to a local sangha. I no longer attend so I hope someone is getting some use out of them. If not, then maybe one day someone will.
That is today's update. Feel good inside for doing this!
Hi Jerry, I'm a n00b to Buddhism and meditation! I'm just wondering what MOB and MB is, and what is the 5 breaths thing about? (MB = Mindful Breathing?)
I could be asking a massive question here, I don't know, and I'm more than capable of googling, so please don't spend ages with a enormous reply (unless you want to).
Regards,
Tosh
MB-Metta Bhavana (Lovingkindness Cultivation)
Long enough?
The basic insurance paradigm is three refusals to separate the wheat from the chaff. Most people give up after being refused once or twice so you have to hang in there until you're finally in the tenacious group that won't give up. That's when the insurance company, or governmental agency, or what have you, gives in. You just have to be one of the last ones standing, so to speak. Just know that it's their job to keep turning you down. As long as you keep turning up as a file on their desk you'll eventually get the help you need.
Just keep hanging in there, Jer. Everything will be alright.
Today's meditation went well. I found myself almost enjoying it for a few moments. Near the end, I quit counting the breaths and just watched them quietly. I do the Metta Bhavana first as my negative feelings toward someone can be quite a hindrance for me. Really trying to get some clarity about someone I'm having a hard time with. Not sure whether I should say "Good luck, see you around" or try to have some kind of friendship with them. Still waiting to develop some more lovingkindness toward the person and develop it toward myself as that is part of this equation. Bottom line, I meditated again for me and boy I'm glad I did!
Keep going, Jerry! Turn it into a habit. In fact, take any bad habit you have now and turn it into the habit of sitting meditation.
There's a reason that meditation is called a practice. Nothing exciting today except that I did it for the 5th day in a row for the period of time that I decided on. Nothing terribly long, but incorporated what I wanted to. I'm satisfied with that. I know that it will do good in the end since someone told me he saw the difference when I did. I'd forgotten how I felt afterwards. So I'm going to continue and see what happens.
Isn't interesting how the monkey mind goes wild when you least expect it. For me, I thought the practice was going well and then right upside the head and I could think of everything all at once. I returned to the breath and completed the time I set, but sometimes it can be distracting. For those of you who are new to meditation, this is quite normal. It just takes practice and discipline and it gets easier. It never completely goes away, but your attitude changes. Having computer problems so this might be my last post about my practice for a few days (or anything else for that matter).
May you all be well
May you all be happy
May you all be free from suffering
When your computer comes back up just to let you know reading your journey is helping with mine...
I also picked up an issue of Tricycle magazine. Read a cool article by Pema Chodron. Need to reread it to make sure I got it.
So happy meditating to all, and remember all you have is this moment. If you meditate today, you might do it tomorrow. That's how I put together over 20years of sobriety. I'm trying to see if it will work with meditation also.