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Question on Enlightenment
I could give a bit of background on myself and the events that happened, though it's very hard to describe and not particularly relevant to my question so I won't. If others ask I suppose I could though, however a part of me feels it could cause harm though I have no logical reason to believe why it would other than when I was in this state of mind I remembered thinking it could.
In short I believe I've reached a form of enlightenment 3 times now in my life. I've never told anyone else about this, and when I'm in that state of mind it seems entirely pointless to do so. I want others to experience what I do, but I feel no need to share because it's very obvious that they already do. It's like trying to enlighten a wall, or make a wall something other than a wall. I don't know, it's hard to explain, especially now that I'm 'asleep' again.
Anyways, the first time happened just about a year ago, perhaps a year ago exactly even, give or take a few days, and it lasted about one and a half to two months. The first month of which was far from bliss, it was a very terrifying and traumatic experience. I spent a week in the psyche ward due to it, but no one could find anything wrong with me. I sounded normal and sane, it was just my description of myself and the world around me, to which I could only explain in metaphors, that seemed 'wrong' to them. Though... they didn't seem wrong even, it was only that I labeled it as 'bad' or uncomfortable or w/e. Eventually I kind of gave up and excepted my situation and that was the most blissful experience of my life that lasted for the remaining week and a half. I then fell out of it and was left severely depressed as I missed it.
So the 2nd time was around the end of November and it lasted until... hard to say as I didn't really keep track of time, but I'm guessing the beginning of January and I fell out of it again. I did experience some negative things initially, but having gone through it before it was very easy in comparison to deal with and as a whole I made tremendous changes in my life, grew closer to friends, family, and many other things. When I fell out of it this time it didn't bother me, I question now whether I even truly 'fell out' at that point or if the 'feelings' just subsided because I got distracted with other things in my life and put them before myself. However after a week or so after I took care of what I had to do, as I then expected, it came back.
This 3rd time lasted until just a few days ago, well almost a week now I suppose, and this time felt exactly like the first. It left me slowly over the course of a few days, I struggled to hold onto it though I knew I couldn't (unlike the 2nd time when I just let it go). Perhaps this is the problem.
So sorry for the long story, I could make it much longer if I explained anything in detail, but my question is is enlightenment supposed to be a permanent thing? Can it?
Having never experienced this I wouldn't care to seek it. I wasn't even sure if I believed in it until this happened to me, but from my perspective this is unquestionably enlightenment, not full enlightenment I'm sure, but certainly a degree.
I would also like to say, as it may explain why I tend to use terms so loosly, that I'm not buddhist. I'm more buddhist than anything else, but after the first experience I realized all religions were true, it's just a matter of how you interpret it. For me though... ah, it's so hard to explain, but I didn't attach my experience to 'buddhism' or to 'enlightenment' I could literally explain it in terms of any religion. It's so hard to remember now how this worked, or... I dunno.. Anyways, am I now chasing something that doesn't exist or what? I'm considering joining a local sangha, but for some reason that just doesn't feel right to me. I feel like I should not be chasing this, that the more I chase it the further I get.
In short I believe I've reached a form of enlightenment 3 times now in my life. I've never told anyone else about this, and when I'm in that state of mind it seems entirely pointless to do so. I want others to experience what I do, but I feel no need to share because it's very obvious that they already do. It's like trying to enlighten a wall, or make a wall something other than a wall. I don't know, it's hard to explain, especially now that I'm 'asleep' again.
Anyways, the first time happened just about a year ago, perhaps a year ago exactly even, give or take a few days, and it lasted about one and a half to two months. The first month of which was far from bliss, it was a very terrifying and traumatic experience. I spent a week in the psyche ward due to it, but no one could find anything wrong with me. I sounded normal and sane, it was just my description of myself and the world around me, to which I could only explain in metaphors, that seemed 'wrong' to them. Though... they didn't seem wrong even, it was only that I labeled it as 'bad' or uncomfortable or w/e. Eventually I kind of gave up and excepted my situation and that was the most blissful experience of my life that lasted for the remaining week and a half. I then fell out of it and was left severely depressed as I missed it.
So the 2nd time was around the end of November and it lasted until... hard to say as I didn't really keep track of time, but I'm guessing the beginning of January and I fell out of it again. I did experience some negative things initially, but having gone through it before it was very easy in comparison to deal with and as a whole I made tremendous changes in my life, grew closer to friends, family, and many other things. When I fell out of it this time it didn't bother me, I question now whether I even truly 'fell out' at that point or if the 'feelings' just subsided because I got distracted with other things in my life and put them before myself. However after a week or so after I took care of what I had to do, as I then expected, it came back.
This 3rd time lasted until just a few days ago, well almost a week now I suppose, and this time felt exactly like the first. It left me slowly over the course of a few days, I struggled to hold onto it though I knew I couldn't (unlike the 2nd time when I just let it go). Perhaps this is the problem.
So sorry for the long story, I could make it much longer if I explained anything in detail, but my question is is enlightenment supposed to be a permanent thing? Can it?
Having never experienced this I wouldn't care to seek it. I wasn't even sure if I believed in it until this happened to me, but from my perspective this is unquestionably enlightenment, not full enlightenment I'm sure, but certainly a degree.
I would also like to say, as it may explain why I tend to use terms so loosly, that I'm not buddhist. I'm more buddhist than anything else, but after the first experience I realized all religions were true, it's just a matter of how you interpret it. For me though... ah, it's so hard to explain, but I didn't attach my experience to 'buddhism' or to 'enlightenment' I could literally explain it in terms of any religion. It's so hard to remember now how this worked, or... I dunno.. Anyways, am I now chasing something that doesn't exist or what? I'm considering joining a local sangha, but for some reason that just doesn't feel right to me. I feel like I should not be chasing this, that the more I chase it the further I get.
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Comments
You may want to read Adyashanti's book, "The End of Your World" which focuses on awakening, and how it's not what we think it is.
http://www.amazon.com/End-Your-World-Uncensored-Enlightenment/dp/1591799635/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1263666321&sr=1-1
IMHO joining a local sangha is a good option.
And I thought enlightenment was "desirable" as one of its characteristics, if it wasn't why bother... if you were having a mediocre dream, why would you want to wake up to a living hell?
EDIT: no offense to you of course
Theuprising, based on my experience, literally anything you believe can be true. The hard part is convincing yourself things are true that you currently can't, but I dunno, it's hard to explain. In the same vein if you don't believe in enlightenment then it isn't true, and I would not tell you you are wrong at all. It's now hard for me to justify how this works exactly in my own mind, but I remember understanding that very clearly before. It was literally like no one would ever tell a lie to me, or anyone, and it was impossible for me to tell a lie. Like even if I did lie what I said would come true, perhaps not in the way I imagined, but the essence of that thought/action would manifest itself somehow. Time was also meaningless, I mean I could read a clock and tell time, but it was different, I can't really grasp how now, but it just signified change. It could feel as if a year would pass within seconds, or vice versa. Nothing was as it seemed, though it all made complete sense.
In the beginning it made too much sense and I wasn't ready for it, that's why I felt insane (or so I assume). That was easily the worst, most terrifying experience of my life, but at no point did I regret it or would I have taken it back, even when I was convinced I was in pure hell and would be there for eternity. I did had a complete understanding of eternity too, every moment, each second, was an eternity. Keep in mind from an unenlightened perspective (eg. my own at this present moment at least), this is all very metaphorical, but in that state of mind it was literal, this too is a metaphor of course, but that's just the best I can explain it. It is truly indescribable.
No offense is taken btw. I am fully aware I sound crazy, and technically I am without doubt, but I've never felt anything so right in my life. I can't imagine anything making more sense to me. With that said I think it's probably best if what I've said is just viewed as an interesting story. Don't put much faith into it, it's entirely true from my perspective of course, I promise I wouldn't lie about any of this, but I dunno. It's hard to explain, but words just have a different meaning from now and then. Unless you are 'awake' it is not at all what it sounds like, and I don't want to lead anyone to believe anything differently.
Later on it too was the most blissful ecstatic thing I've ever experienced in my life. I relished in each moment, everything I did was divine, and so was everyone, everything around me. I was just so happy to exist. I've never felt so much love and compassion in my life.
To give an example each morning when I would eat breakfast I'd cry with pure bliss at how joyous it was that my breakfast existed. I would eat it so slowly, in no rush to do anything, just savor each and every bite. I'd probably stretch out a cup of tea to 30-40 min. just smelling it, feeling the love I had for it, the warmth in my hand, etc. It literally felt like I had always existed and always would, and thus I was in no rush to do anything. I'd stretch out activities as long as it would take to do them 'right.'
When I was around others I didn't look so ridiculous of course, they'd think I were crazy and that would benefit no one. They were literally a part of me. I saw how much control I had over their actions, and would do my best to benefit them. I would almost always put others in front of myself because I literally did not need anything that they didn't. This is definitely a metaphor, but it was as if my friend ate I didn't need to. It's very hard to describe, and alot of the logic behind it seems very basic and accepted, but it's like you're so used to it that it becomes mundane.
I know Adyashanti said it at some point in his book, and yesterday I believe I read the buddha said something along the same lines, but it wasn't a personal awakening. It was literally as if the entire world awoke with me. 'Bad' things still happened, but they weren't 'bad' they were just things, challenges, a reason to exist, to improve. The best analogy I could think of was that the world was like a videogame. What kind of game would exist where there is nothing to overcome? You enjoy fighting the enemies or overcoming various challenges, that's why you play the game, you aren't angry, sad, or scared that they exist, that's the whole point.
You might want to spend 10 mins and watch this explanation of enlightenment.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLQD90Las5c
TRANSCENDENTAL EXPERIENCE IN RELATION TO RELIGION AND PSYCHOSIS
http://www.mindfire.ca/Transcendental%20Experience%20in%20Relation%20to%20Religion%20&%20Psychoses.htm
What you describe is a strong feeling of bliss. In the mahamudra tradition, it's said that the recognition of the nature of mind is accompanied by bliss, clarity, and non-thought. So a strong feeling of bliss can be a good sign. BUT IT IS DECEPTIVE. I can't emphasize that enough. First, because the bliss itself is not the recognition of mind, it is merely an experience that accompanies it. And many experiences of bliss have nothing at all to do with enlightenment. It could simply be a result of a disturbance of your psychic energy. Many people are deceived by this. The have a strong experience of bliss, read some texts by past teachers that also describe bliss, think they're enlightened, and go off preaching their new gospel. People like this are unteachable and completely cut off from the truth.
It's impossible for anyone to know if your experience is genuine or not over the Internet. You will need to talk to a long term practitioner in person. If you do, please be humble about it, teachers hear this sort of thing more often than you might think.
I hope that your experience is genuine. But even assuming that it is, the experience of bliss IS STILL DECEPTIVE and easily misunderstood. While the experience of bliss lasts, you feel that you have passed beyond ego and all your negative emotions. But you have not done this at all. They are still there and are merely temporarily suppressed because of your feeling of bliss. When thee feeling of bliss subsides, and it always does, because all experiences are temporary, your negative emotions will come back as strong as they always were. In fact, they will seem worse, because of the contrast with your former feeling of bliss.
Here's an example from my own experience. I was walking to the bus stop to catch the bus home from work, worried as usual about something completely unimportant. I was listening to a radio through a pair of headphones to a song (Fade Away and Radiate) when suddenly all my worries dropped away and I was completely happy and at peace. I thought that I had achieved some high state of meditation, but the blissful feeling only lasted for a day and I was back to my normal confused self, except for an appreciation of what is possible through meditation. Your experiences may have lasted longer, but more than likely it was the same sort of thing.
I am planning to join the local sangha which I just found out is only a block from my apartment coincidentally. I didn't know there was one in my city, much less so close. I don't believe, from what I can gather from their web page anyways, that their is a teacher that regularly attends though, I'm not sure how it's setup having never done anything like this before. If there isn't would it be advised to travel elsewhere if this is something I want to pursue?
That was absolutely fascinating...thank you for mentioning it.