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i have a problem
slowmichael
Explorer
This is very personal and something i only mention to people that i trust. I have been reading this forum and recently joined and i feel that the members of this forum are compasionate and understanding.
I would not call myself a buddhist yet but i do meditate (yoga and mindfulness aka John Kabat Zin). I am determined to join some sangha but have not yet made my mind up to wich one i would go.
OK, generaly i have a "normal" life. I have a good job, two lovely kids my wife really loves me. I have "normal" ups and downs but nothing that drags me down so much that i am unable to live my "normal life". Oh i can be very happy of course.
But i had 2 depressions and there have been other periods in my life that i really felled depressed, fearfull and hopeless.
What causes this? I know it very well!!
It is about worrying about things that i have done or have to do that could when badly done harm or cause the death of other people. My mind will not be at ease if these things are not performed in a way that there is a 0% change for these things to happen. That causes scanning for possibilities that things could go wrong and then something within me tells me storie about how catastrophical this would be and that it will haunt me the rest of my days if i do not check and be sure that this event is impossible.
In general i am not such a fearfull person, i would rather say that i am a personal that likes risk. But i speak about risk like the risk of mountenairing, the risk of racing with my motorbike on a closed circuit (never on public roads), i do or did this stuff and other risky stuff. I even push(gently and witouth obligation) my children a little to overcome there fears from heights ad other things when we visit well Disneyland, playgrounds.
Currently i have a problem with a task that has something to do with electricity in my home. I have studied for electrical engineer so i know about electricity but profesionally i work in a bank.
A very good friend of mine is also an electrical engineer and works as an electrical engineer. I talked to him about my fears and he said for me there is no problem. He said well that catastrophical story that you have told yourself it could be possible it is not irrational but it is very, very unlikely to hapen and if i had to do this i would never have tought about this possibility.
I am also in therapy for this problem and well obviously my therapist an my friend the electrical engineer say hou have to accept some risk some uncertainty.
Looking to this from a buddhist perspective. Buddhism says never harm anyone, so an interpretation could be, you must be 100% certain when you do something that has something to do with safety. But when i am thinking like that i become depressed obsessional and thus in reality i become a lesser father to my kids a lesser man to my wife and generally so submerged in my problem that all my energy is pointed to this problem and no energy is spended in my kids, my wife the world. Oh it is even worse i lose my patience with my kids my wife so it's not neutral to be honest it has a very negative influence on the life of my loved ones.
Slowmichael
I would not call myself a buddhist yet but i do meditate (yoga and mindfulness aka John Kabat Zin). I am determined to join some sangha but have not yet made my mind up to wich one i would go.
OK, generaly i have a "normal" life. I have a good job, two lovely kids my wife really loves me. I have "normal" ups and downs but nothing that drags me down so much that i am unable to live my "normal life". Oh i can be very happy of course.
But i had 2 depressions and there have been other periods in my life that i really felled depressed, fearfull and hopeless.
What causes this? I know it very well!!
It is about worrying about things that i have done or have to do that could when badly done harm or cause the death of other people. My mind will not be at ease if these things are not performed in a way that there is a 0% change for these things to happen. That causes scanning for possibilities that things could go wrong and then something within me tells me storie about how catastrophical this would be and that it will haunt me the rest of my days if i do not check and be sure that this event is impossible.
In general i am not such a fearfull person, i would rather say that i am a personal that likes risk. But i speak about risk like the risk of mountenairing, the risk of racing with my motorbike on a closed circuit (never on public roads), i do or did this stuff and other risky stuff. I even push(gently and witouth obligation) my children a little to overcome there fears from heights ad other things when we visit well Disneyland, playgrounds.
Currently i have a problem with a task that has something to do with electricity in my home. I have studied for electrical engineer so i know about electricity but profesionally i work in a bank.
A very good friend of mine is also an electrical engineer and works as an electrical engineer. I talked to him about my fears and he said for me there is no problem. He said well that catastrophical story that you have told yourself it could be possible it is not irrational but it is very, very unlikely to hapen and if i had to do this i would never have tought about this possibility.
I am also in therapy for this problem and well obviously my therapist an my friend the electrical engineer say hou have to accept some risk some uncertainty.
Looking to this from a buddhist perspective. Buddhism says never harm anyone, so an interpretation could be, you must be 100% certain when you do something that has something to do with safety. But when i am thinking like that i become depressed obsessional and thus in reality i become a lesser father to my kids a lesser man to my wife and generally so submerged in my problem that all my energy is pointed to this problem and no energy is spended in my kids, my wife the world. Oh it is even worse i lose my patience with my kids my wife so it's not neutral to be honest it has a very negative influence on the life of my loved ones.
Slowmichael
0
Comments
You may not be a buddhist. For you the practice may be to abandon things that make you unhappy and adopt things that make you happy. 100% certainty never happens and always makes you unhappy if you cling to it.
If your therapist is not making headway, you may have to seek other professional help, a psychiatrist for example. Also, you'll notice from other threads that several members of this forum are also coping with depression. So you are not alone. Wish you a speedy recovery.
My english is not so good but when you ask "is my therapist on top of this?". You probably mean is his opinion good or wrong. Well in that meaning he is on top of this and so he says for longtime improvement it would be better to accept the uncertainty and this accepting will not be comfortable! But he also says that sometimes the discomfort can be too much and then well, you have to give in to the demands of that negative storyteller inside my head. He also recommanded me to follow a mindfulness training, because that could make the process of accepting less painfull. I think he is on the good track.
Are you anxious to the point...... ? Sometimes, the feeling is very variable from almost nothing to realy interfering with my life.
The thing is i feel like i am on a crossroad. Meditation and therapy opened my eyes i can go on folowing my psychological conditioning of demanding 100% certainty or i can get of that road and accept a small degree of uncertainty.
This decision is stressing me, so many questions. If i take the road of acceptance will i be able to live like this, will i be abble to sleep witouth having dramatical stories passing true my head and so on.
Meditation made me see that one of the main probkems is me clinging on to peace of mind, wich well is quit selfish. It is not about the risk of other people getting injured or so it is about the fear of me losing my peace of mind forever.
But there is a price i don't feel good and as i mentioned before my loved ones suffer from this. This suffering is real.Whilst the negative stories are only very uncertain possibilities.
I have to take a step, i am afraid of that step.
Sukitha i am not in a state of depression, read my reply to the post of SherabDorje.
But thanks for your kind words.
Slowmichael
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What is it that "clings to mind"? Don't be so certain that slowmichael and peace of mind are two seperate things.
Conditional reality has its place: below the unconditioned. Stay with the breath, it will never leave you.
I'm sorry to hear of your suffering. I agree with the others that you're doing all the right things to get to the root of the problem.
Very often these painful things come up in our life when we're finally ready to
deal with them and you may be at that point. You have the right support, the right maturity, and you're on the right path spiritually. So really, you have everything you need to take that step.
In Buddhism we learn that all things, all phenomena, are by nature, uncertain. There IS no certainty, in anything, other than the way out of suffering taught by the Buddha. So we take refuge in the only things we can count on in this world; the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha. We learn how to accept the fact that all things are uncertain and cannot bring us peace of mind. When we begin to really understand this we can experience a great sense of freedom, the kind of freedom we can only truly achieve by letting go.
Keep going. You're on the right track.