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Feeling so hurtful
Hi all,
I grew up in a buddhism family. At this point in my life, I still don't believe in heaven and hell. But I believe in doing good and avoid sins. Live in a neutral state of mind. Basically, I took buddhism as a philosophical guide to live my life.
I would like to tell my story, and I would love to hear your opinions. I have never been hurt so bad in my life.
10 years ago, I dated this girl for 5 years. I thought all along that she really likes me. We broke up in about 05'. She found a new guy, and married in a year. When I looked back, I realized there are many signs that she didn't really like me. She stays with me I guess because I kind of ask "please be with me" kind of thing.
I didn't want to sleep or eat 3 weeks in a row.
Winter 05', I met this girl. I liked her. I did told her that I liked her. She told me because I'm younger than her and I'm not Christian. But ultimately, I guess the girl doesn't like you.
But here is the problem, we worked together at the same company. We only not worked together, we co-found the company!!! I know in my mind that I worked on this company until today not because I try to be with her, but it's a good career.
Fast forward until today, I asked about 4 girls out, none of them like me. I asked my business partner out, she told me no.
And now recently I "THINK" (not 100% sure), and my business partner is going back to her ex-boyfriend or hooked up with some guy. My gut feeling told me from her behavior. My guess is that she doesn't want to tell me because she's afraid it will hurt me real bad.
So now, it's like, what the hell with this world?
I gave it all. I felt happy when I do something to other people. I felt happy when I give. I have never taken advantage of women. I'm turning 27, and I am feeling like I need someone to love me because none of the girls above ever felt the same way.
My dad always taught me not to be jealous of other people happiness. I am now happy for my ex-gf that got married, but I couldn't express how hard it is for me today it with my current situation.
I tried to stay centered and neutral - I can't do it. I try to feel happy for her, I can't do it.
Since the first break up, I thought that I'm still young, and there are many more chances. And now I am living through it AGAIN. This time is worst, because we worked together!
Please help. I felt like I'm a real loser in my life.
Bonpon
I grew up in a buddhism family. At this point in my life, I still don't believe in heaven and hell. But I believe in doing good and avoid sins. Live in a neutral state of mind. Basically, I took buddhism as a philosophical guide to live my life.
I would like to tell my story, and I would love to hear your opinions. I have never been hurt so bad in my life.
10 years ago, I dated this girl for 5 years. I thought all along that she really likes me. We broke up in about 05'. She found a new guy, and married in a year. When I looked back, I realized there are many signs that she didn't really like me. She stays with me I guess because I kind of ask "please be with me" kind of thing.
I didn't want to sleep or eat 3 weeks in a row.
Winter 05', I met this girl. I liked her. I did told her that I liked her. She told me because I'm younger than her and I'm not Christian. But ultimately, I guess the girl doesn't like you.
But here is the problem, we worked together at the same company. We only not worked together, we co-found the company!!! I know in my mind that I worked on this company until today not because I try to be with her, but it's a good career.
Fast forward until today, I asked about 4 girls out, none of them like me. I asked my business partner out, she told me no.
And now recently I "THINK" (not 100% sure), and my business partner is going back to her ex-boyfriend or hooked up with some guy. My gut feeling told me from her behavior. My guess is that she doesn't want to tell me because she's afraid it will hurt me real bad.
So now, it's like, what the hell with this world?
I gave it all. I felt happy when I do something to other people. I felt happy when I give. I have never taken advantage of women. I'm turning 27, and I am feeling like I need someone to love me because none of the girls above ever felt the same way.
My dad always taught me not to be jealous of other people happiness. I am now happy for my ex-gf that got married, but I couldn't express how hard it is for me today it with my current situation.
I tried to stay centered and neutral - I can't do it. I try to feel happy for her, I can't do it.
Since the first break up, I thought that I'm still young, and there are many more chances. And now I am living through it AGAIN. This time is worst, because we worked together!
Please help. I felt like I'm a real loser in my life.
Bonpon
0
Comments
What is it that you want from somebody else that you can't give yourself?
You wrote in your post that you need someone to love you. But are you willing to love yourself?
Staying neutral is not the goal. Accepting whatever arises without running away from it is.
Kind regards,
Zeno
but if you want a girl to love you, it's not just about asking them out. the human mind evolved to be a certain way. when a girl likes you, it is because of processes in her mind. study these processes.
I will tell you how I see things. Girls are attracted to guys who appear to excel in two characteristics: power, and compassion. power is things like intelligence, wisdom, social status, wealth, physical strength. the way a girl's minds assess how much power you have is by observing you, and then making the girl feel a certain way about you.
knowing this, if you want a girl to love you, you have two options. apply effort to improve your excellence in the two characteristics, or apply effort to improve your excellence in appearing to excel in the two characteristics. the second option is what's known as doucheness.
so. if you want to be honest, the only way to get a girl to love you is by decreasing your desire for a girl to love you. and becoming better at being happy. happiness is very attractive because it is a sign of excellence in both characteristics.
buddhism will help you become more attractive.
whatever you do, do not do it to be more attractive to girls. do it to be happier. that is your ultimate goal. for now, desiring girls will not help you be happy. at this point, a girl's love is far in the future. do not focus on the end goal because it is unreasonable to do so. instead focus on the next step only, and only for the sake of an increased possibility of having a girl's love in the future.
i hope maybe this helped.
also, remember that there are more than 3 billion girls in this world. your mind always distorts the reality about girls for whom you feel strong emotions. your past memories of these girls are just memories. the girl is a different person now. you might as well forget about them because they have a distorted idea of you in their minds.
i'm just saying as much as i can hoping that at least some of it is of help.
Well I think that is what the path is about. How you define "enough" is up to you. But I think the path is about learning to love ourselves. That may seem strange what with the whole buisness about "no-self" and "non-attachment" etc. but really, what is love?
For me, love is unconditional acceptance, and unconditional acceptance is fully letting go.
Ergo, to love yourself means to let go of yourself.
And for the record, I think Questionful packed alot of wisdom into the above post. And I would especially emphasize this point:
May you be free from suffering. May the girls that you desire be free from suffering. May we all be free from suffering.
What exactly did you give? Remember that in relationships we always think that we "give" but we often don't realize that whatever we give, we give because we also get something. Two people stay with each other because whatever you give is justifiable to whatever you get. Should there come a time you feel that what you get is not enough for what you give then you quit. Most or should I say all romantic relationships are like that. So first of all get over this "victim" mentality.
If you live by the Buddhist philosophy as you say then reflect on the impermanence of all five sensory indulgences and reflect on how this impermanence brings about suffering due to your attachments to them. I know breakups are hard but if you keep on thinking the way you think you are just allowing yourself to be a miserable person. If possible do some loving kindness meditation. It helps clear your mind and feel more accepting of the things that happen to you. TC
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I am mentally disabled and I don't think I will be in a relationship with a woman. At least I can't go on the singles websites so much because the woman there expect a career with their man and wanting children. But my mental state is much different from yours. I am very happy. How can that be? Because I don't have a woman?
Maybe reflect on why you want a woman? What are some of the reasons underneath. There is probably some good stuff underneath. Then look underneath the underneath. Underneath all that stuff is probably bodhicitta or the wish to awaken.
I've heard it said that sexual desire - that longing we have for intimate relations with those we're attracted to (male or female), that ecstacy we feel imagining 'being in love' and when we are actually in the embrace of our beloved is the most powerful desire we have in this life.
There's no real escaping it. But there is something we can do about it. We can learn to dance with it. We can learn to know the feeling of desire as it arises attached to the object of our desire. I imagine the women you write about as objects of your desire and that you're experiencing the dissatisfaction (dukkha) of being frustrated (obstructed) in fulfilling that desire. Oh, such suffering!! It's very hard to let-go of our fantasies, the stories we tell ourselves about how things will be; especially with those for whom we have such strong desire.
Dear, you are going to feel frustrated and hurt and sad in these circumstances, it's unavoidable. Please know that your frustration is based on YOUR expectations, your hurt on YOUR imaging about what is, and your sadness on the loss of what you imagined you had or may have.
I recommend asking for what you want without expectations as a way to relieve frustration, learn to know that what we imagine is never reality to relieve hurt feelings, and to accept sadness as simply one half of how we experience all things; the other half being joy. You're always gonna feel sad/joy, so get used to it! You can feel joy when some attractive person shows interest in you and at the same time sadness because it won't last. That's the truth of impermanence. When we KNOW this truth we free ourselves from suffering. Also know that just as we will eventually lose the object of our desire, another will eventually appear, as long as we choose to ride the merry-go-round called samsara.
The other option is to train (take the "path") to liberation offered by the BuddhaDharma and free yourself from slavery to sexual desire toward worldly objects of desire and replace it with the indescribable BLISS of intimate connection with (I don't really know how to say it correctly) the ultimate source of satisfaction.
How do you accomplish this? Find someone who knows this path and TRAIN!!!
Shalom and Hugs
I've learnt a lot about myself recently. What's really going on inside may not be so obvious. Look at yourself and see what kind of things you say to yourself. Do you make comments such as "shes to good for me", "she'll never go out with me", "I'm too short", "I'm not good looking enough" etc.
I don't know if you believe this, but I believe it- People pick up on this. Women can feel it. Someone told me that women can smell fear and insecurity. It doesn't matter how you act on the outside, you give off a bad vibe. Trust me, from experience whenever I've been in a bad mood or worrying, feeling angry etc, no matter how much I try to hide it, how good I think my acting is, my mom and other females have picked up on it at the drop of a hat. I've been amazed. It's like they have a sixth sense. Like they are more in tune with the energy or vibration of the world. I dunno maybe I'm talking nonsense but this is what I feel
That same person also told me this. "Getting a girl is like getting a loan. If you look like you need one, you aint gonna get one".
Look at it from their point of view. Would you prefer a girl that is clingy, insecure and cannot function without you? or Would you want to be with a girl that is secure?
Having a girl should be an enhancement to your life, not something you can't live without. Anyway, I hope I didn't turn this into a relationship forum. From a Buddhist perspective I guess it comes down to attachment. I understand because this desire is incredibly strong, and I know where you're coming from.
A couple of your quotes stand out:
They say thoughts are energy and if you're giving off that kind of energy it's gonna bring you more of the same. Take it easy and be kinder to yourself.
Your'e still young, find out what you really want in a girl. Also it could be worse, you could be stuck in a relationship you don't enjoy so choose wisely and remember my friend's quote about the loan.
good luck
brian