Update on TheFound + Question.

TheFound

I don't even exist, I've been working so much, during the day.
Drinking and smoking at night.
At work "I'm not there"
when I'm at home "I'm not there" either..
It so weird to live in limbo..I'm going no where,
I'm content but this house of cards will fall soon..

I feel like I've been assimilated by Samsara. Or forced into a defensive position....
It's so numb.

I remember a faint whisper telling me "Buddha!" in the back of my mind..
This voice isn't very strong.. What use to occupy my thoughts; things like mindfulness, precepts, noble truths, are no more...

I don't connect them with things anymore,
I don't bring them up often at all..in my mind...
like I said... "numb"

It's dangerous- I think,
because I'm so comfortable being numb.
When I thaw out from being numb or whatever, all I can think of,
is how to get into that position again, to be numb, un-worrying, oblivious....

just reading my own post, makes me remember how I was almost saintly a couple of months ago, but i've wandered off the path again,

I'm tired.
It takes so little energy to be a Buddha,
it's so simple...BUT
the quality!... the quality of the energy is the problem!.
I don't know where to draw more inspiration and resolve..
Everything I've drawn inspiration from,
and resolve from has been depleted...
What inexhaustible source can I use as a well..


I really need to be derailed from where i'm currently going..


I need a teacher I guess. It has odds against it that I will find one.
So what's my question?

Jeffrey

I think that you'll eventually get sick of the numbness.. And turn to an awareness practice. I think the numbness is to close down. To shut off. To try to fix your experience as comfortable.

Doesn't work. And eventually you'll vomit and come back to awareness practice and open outward again.

Sometimes existence hurts and you don't even want to be. Its so liberating to open up again. Like a fresh breath of air. To contact that pain and wonder what it is saying? Instead of trying to throw it out of your mind.

Namaste. I wish I was more awakened so I could help more.

PietroPumokin

you need to keep meditating, and exercise bodhicitta every chance you get, and if you can maybe take off some time at work, and maybe clear your head a little and take a vacation from drugs

emel

I heard someone in some Buddhist talk online in the last couple days say "when you become disenchanted with your own suffering". That rang really true for me.
I can speak from experience of the last few weeks that cutting back or quitting drinking all together makes a world of difference.