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My ego of kindness is causing my anxiety

Quiet_witnessQuiet_witness Veteran
edited February 2010 in Buddhism Basics
To pretext this thread, I have decided I need to end my relationship with my girlfriend (the reasons are not relevant to this thread) but I have decided to wait until next week as it is her birthday today. I feel this course of action is now flawed but I cannot bring myself to cancel our plans for her birthday party out of supposed compassion on my part. </O:p
<O:p</O:p

Furthermore, I have this over whelming feeling of anxiety about this decision. I know I am on the path of bad karma, my actions are flawed even though my heart and desires are of good intent (or at least, so I thought). I now feel my anxiety is due to a potential threat to my ego; waiting to break up with a girl just because of her b-day is not a valid excuse and will cause only more suffering to both of us. I am dreading breaking up with her, especially because she has done nothing that would constitute a breakup and I haven't seen her in two weeks as she was in San Francisco, so it will come as a big shock to her. It is so hard to do this breakup action because of my ego. I use the pretext that I don’t want to hurt her in a time of celebration, as it is her birthday, but really I just don’t want to hurt my ego, I have established an ego supported by the pretext of kindness and compassion. Man this is bad news.


Any advice on how to view this action of ending our relationship in a non-ego based compassionate manner?

Comments

  • ownerof1000oddsocksownerof1000oddsocks Veteran
    edited January 2010
    Well, rather than look at it as a finality, maybe see it more of a transformation as in: I'm not happy with the way things are and I want it to change',

    then be honest about it and communicate this. The fact you haven't been totally upfront, could be manifesting as anxiety.

    Oh, and don't spring the news on her Birthday. I don't think anyone wants to have to consider anything too heavy when you aim to be light spirited.
  • RichardHRichardH Veteran
    edited January 2010
    So...your conscience is bothering you because you dont really care about hurting her, just looking like you dont care? Is that the gist? IMHO dont insult her with "compassion" just be honest and direct, then just feel crappy.

    maybe some else has better advice. :)
  • Quiet_witnessQuiet_witness Veteran
    edited January 2010
    For sure not going to ruin the party by doing it today.

    I am not to confused about how to break up, why I am doing it, or that it is just a change and not a finality between us, I have been through this several times before. I also have not seen her since I came to this conclusion, so I haven't had the chance to not be totally upfront, I couldn't do it over the phone. I do like that advice you gave though and it is valid in other contexts.

    My anxiety is more to do with my suppossed good intentions when in fact these intentions are supporting my ego. I don't want to be the bad guy but if you walk across a meadow some flowers inevitably get crushed.
  • upekkaupekka Veteran
    edited January 2010
    if something hurtful to you don't do it
    if something hurtful to others don't do it
    if something not hurtful to you and hurtful to others don't do it
    if something is not hurtful to you or not hurtful to others do it

    otherwise you yourself have to face the repurcussions

    :)
  • RichardHRichardH Veteran
    edited January 2010
    Don't see how you can avoid eating the pain of being revealed as insincere. You owe her honesty. You owe yourself honesty. Maybe your not so nice sometimes? maybe you not such a good guy all the time? Thats a great authentic place to move forward from.:)

    ...
  • Quiet_witnessQuiet_witness Veteran
    edited January 2010
    I agree and I fully intend in being honest. Is this delay in revealing my intentions bad (I know I feel bad about it)?

    Should I let her know before the next 2 hours as the party begins in 3?
  • ValtielValtiel Veteran
    edited January 2010
    Wait until tomorrow. ;)
  • RichardHRichardH Veteran
    edited January 2010
    yeh. wait until tomorrow.
  • DazzleDazzle
    edited January 2010
    Yes, wait until tomorrow - not a good idea to tell her just before her party.



    .
  • NamelessRiverNamelessRiver Veteran
    edited January 2010
    Should I let her know before the next 2 hours as the party begins in 3?

    Of course not. :-\
    I agree and I fully intend in being honest. Is this delay in revealing my intentions bad (I know I feel bad about it)?

    No it isn't. Not wanting to rain on somebody's parade is ok.
    It is so hard to do this breakup action because of my ego.

    Let's look as to how it would sound without the concepts of ego and compassion: guy wants to break up with a girl (it's ok, your own free will); guy has not seen the girl in 2 weeks (irrelevant); guy chooses not to do it in her birthday; they break up the next few days; girl might feel bad, guy might feel bad; life goes on.

    It is much easier without ego and compassion and buddha in the way. ;-\
  • Quiet_witnessQuiet_witness Veteran
    edited January 2010
    I wish I could tomorrow but it will have to wait until Sunday. Thanks for reading this everyone just by putting these thoughts out there it has done wonders to help me see things better.
  • Quiet_witnessQuiet_witness Veteran
    edited January 2010
    NamelessRiver wrote: »
    Let's look as to how it would sound without the concepts of ego and compassion: guy wants to break up with a girl (it's ok, your own free will); guy has not seen the girl in 2 weeks (irrelevant); guy chooses not to do it in her birthday; they break up the next few days; girl might feel bad, guy might feel bad; life goes on.

    It is much easier without ego and compassion and buddha in the way. ;-\

    I had to laugh when I read that, it seems so much more simple and true from that perspective. Like I said, I realize I am egotistically attached to being the compassionate guy, I guess because I have been on the other end before and I realize how hard it can be on people but the truth is the truth.
  • JeffreyJeffrey Veteran
    edited January 2010
    to me ego means a prideful self-cherishing image. Like Richard says maybe not everything you do is a 'nice' thing. And by seeing this you are kind of nailed to experience. I was reading a chapter in Pema Chodron where she says that sometimes no matter how you turn the mirror when you look in it you look like a gorilla. And its your choice to turn away from the experience and try to make the bad stuff go away. Or you can open to it.

    I think you should just be mindful of what your thoughts and feelings are. And just know what they are and know they are passing. You could try to be as kind to yourself and this girl as you can manage, but you may feel bad and her too.
  • Now-Is-realityNow-Is-reality
    edited January 2010
    ^ Yeah :). I think that even in realizing your motives for waiting until after her birthday were not the same as the apperance of why you're choosing to wait is good. I guess, it's better than not realizing it at all... the way we better our actions is by bettering our thoughts. The bettering of our thoughts and intentions do not come first, right? It's like when you're a kid and you get in trouble for taking someone else's toy... you most likely will stop the action, but not stop because it is wrong, but rather it is the seemingly right thing to do. You understand that later, and then both your intentions and actions will be insync. Sometimes we cannot help out thoughts, but we can work toward controlling those as well as our intentions... to make them good straight through.
    Haha, I talk a lot. Sorry. I hope you can feel less bad about your attatchment to your ego that is deluding your intentions for yourself... work with it, questionable thoughts and kind actions are better than kind thoughts and bad actions. We work with what we have :).

    Best of Luck
    Ashley
  • Quiet_witnessQuiet_witness Veteran
    edited February 2010
    Thanks again for everyone's advice. Several days later and after a long conversation with her things turned out much better and different than I expected. Her birthday was really fun. I learned more about being nice and withholding the truth than ever before. She understood my actions and thoughts. We actually worked out a few things and are still together stronger than before.
  • BrigidBrigid Veteran
    edited February 2010
    Wow!!

    That's fantastic, QW!!

    Goes to show how patiently contemplating an action rather than rushing in is usually the better way to do things. I'm so happy for you!
  • comicallyinsanecomicallyinsane Veteran
    edited February 2010
    WOW that is amazing.
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