Advice on a difficult issue.

peaceful_steps

Dear Friends,

I need some help with a difficult issue. A number of years ago, I was married to someone who cheated on me and abandoned me for another man, hurting me very badly and disrupting my life greatly. We were divorced, and after that time we did not contact each other. I was eventually able to mostly recover from my sadness and anger with the help of my practice. I was eventually able to feel compassion and lovingkindness towards her and her lover, realizing that the suffering that they caused me was the continuation of their own suffering, that I had been responsible for a portion of her suffering, and that the two of them were ignorant of the full effects of their actions. I was able to forgive them.

Now, I have found another person with whom I will be getting married soon. The problem that I have is that now, my exwife has sent me an email message after several years of no contact telling me that she suffers greatly with guilt every day from her actions. I gave her my forgiveness already when we were getting divorced, but I suppose she wants to know that she still has my forgiveness. She also claims that she wants to be friends (which I believe would not be possible without causing suffering to my fiancee and myself). Somehow she has discovered that I am getting married again. I have not yet responded to the message. I do not know whether I should respond or not, because that could only be an invitation to further suffering.

I don't want her to suffer. However I also don't want to suffer, and my fiancee should not have to suffer from my own difficult past. I don't know whether to give a response or not. My fiancee has made it clear that it would be unacceptable for me to talk to her, and I don't want to secretively communicate behind my fiancee's back. She has my undivided loyalty, and I don't want to invite any further suffering. If anyone has a word of advice, I would appreciate it.

Stephen

I think you should take this entire post, print it out and show it to your fiancee, and then you should explain exactly how you feel about the situation honestly to your ex-wife (your fiancee should know you're doing this). That's just my humble opinion though. Take it for what it's worth.

Inji-gyo

That is a tricky issue.
A. Strictly morally speaking I think you have more obligation to your future wife than your past wife.
B. We are only responsible for our own actions, you are in no way responsible for your ex-wife suffering.

Conceding both of these to be true you could then infer the solution to be: You tell your ex-wife you forgive her and you hope she has a happy life, but you have no intention of pursing a friendship, you may also want to recommend a therapist to help her work out her guilt. You then tell your fiance "I do" and live happily ever after.

Relationships in themselves open the door to suffering (perhaps this is why His Holiness isn't married ;-) ) so there is no way in this situation to make everyone happy.

Quiet_witness

I had a very similar thing happen to me in my life years ago. My ex-wife did that to me; she contacted her ex-boyfriend to reconcile their bad breakup. They ended up having an affair yada yada yada. In my opinion her (your ex-wive's) feelings are ultimately hers, you have nothing to do with them anymore. I would recommend you not contact her, if she is suffering because of her actions that is up to her and not your problem. It is not uncompassionate, it is just wise.

BrotherBob

I harbor the delusion that when two people marry they co-create a new being composed of the partners. In this case it seems appropriate for that being (the marriage) to respond to others outside of the marriage in unity. i.e. Sue and Joe together, etc.

I also, imagine an opportunity for the marriage to address the ex with non-violent and compassionate communication in a way that clearly demonstrates the unity of the marriage. In this case both of you co-compose a response to the ex, if your fiancee is willing.

This said, the bottom line is to protect and nurture the marriage over all else; especially in the face of divisive circumstances.

If the marriage is interested in addressing the ex with non-violent and compassionate communication, here's a very good model to work with:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication#OFNR_process_model

:):)

peaceful_steps

Thanks for the kind suggestions. They are appreciatively received.

MatSalted

I cant remember from which book but The Dalai Lama address the issue of people who we just cant get along with, even if with of our compassion and understanding and forgiveness. His advise in such cases is simply to keep ones distance:)

That may be good advice regarding your ex wife:)

Well wishes for you new marriage:)

Mat

DhammaDhatu

Dear Peaceful Steps

My impression is your exwife is acting from need rather than from friendship. True friendship and emotional need are two different things.

My impression is your exwife may be struggling with her relationship. I would not buy into her guilt thing. Reiterate the past is over, it is all forgiven and you now have a new life.

The Buddha taught about the fidelity between husband & wife. I see no need for your exwife's approaches rather than her personal emotional need, which is not normal friendship and a breach of moral boundaries.

If your exwife has emotional & relationship issues, you can refer her to a marriage counsellor, a church, buddhist centre, newbuddhist.com/forum, wherever.

But it is not your place to try to help her more than that.

Please. Focus on your new marriage. Your exwife was trouble in the past and appears to be trouble again.

May you be happy and be at ease

DD

peaceful_steps

Thanks again, for the kind replies. I have taken the advice to heart.

Brigid

Hi, peaceful.

I think Brother Bob's and Dhamma Dhatu's advice taken together is pretty much the perfect response to the problem.

I have the same feeling about the motives of your ex as Dhamma Dhatu does and I'll even take it one step further and suggest that your forgiveness has nothing to do with her contacting you and your remarriage has everything to do with it. I think she feels she's losing control over you because you're getting remarried and moving on with your life when what she really wanted was for you to remain miserable indefinitely and unable to get over her. In other words, your remarriage is erasing your ex from your life and her ego can't stand it.

I heartily agree with Brother Bob that any response should come from you and your fiancee together. It doesn't sound to me like you're harbouring any ill will toward your ex so I'm sure you don't need to be cautioned against responding to her in a cutting or mean way. I haven't followed the link Brother Bob supplied yet but you'll probably get some good ideas from that model. I think a few semi-formal words from you and your fiancee about wishing her all the best in the future and so forth would go a long way to communicating to her your unified front and honest, open relationship with your fiancee. When faced with something like that I don't think your ex will pursue any more communication unless she's real trouble.

Good luck and congratulations not only on your upcoming marriage but also on your achievement of getting over the betrayal of your ex and rebuilding a beautiful life for yourself.

Love-N-Peace

Peaceful Steps,
To start with I'd like to say I like your sencible way of thinking, and I would also like to wish your new marriage well.
Your ex-wife is being unfair. She has contacted you after a long time just when you plan to be married. Ask her why she has contacted you, and if she has a problem, give a little advice. I'd avise against contacting again because it could ruin the relationships, perhaps, on both sides. Tell her you have moved on and are happy, wish her well, and that she respects your happiness. You had something, but now you don't.
I hope I helped,
Love & Peace
Joe