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Learning to shut up and let go
I just wrote a long, thoughtful post about a person who is driving me up the wall with opinionated emails that I don't want to hear about, but I can't convince myself to ignore them because he is a church volunteer and I am a staffperson.
And I continually get sucked into trying to address/correct/satisfy his disgruntlement, when he really should be directing it to a higher staffperson who just ignores him.
And then the internet universe lost my post. And I had to yell and scream.
If The Buddha had had a spamcatcher, do you think he would have considered it a useful tool for dealing with annoyances, or a wimpy method of avoidance?
And I continually get sucked into trying to address/correct/satisfy his disgruntlement, when he really should be directing it to a higher staffperson who just ignores him.
And then the internet universe lost my post. And I had to yell and scream.
If The Buddha had had a spamcatcher, do you think he would have considered it a useful tool for dealing with annoyances, or a wimpy method of avoidance?
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As far as toxic communication, I often remind myself that just listening to the other may relieve a little of their suffering and turn it over to the 'higher power.'
I also, occasionally, see it as a great opportunity to practice non-violent/compassionate communication with the NVC model; especially empathic listening, which by-the-way we can practice with ourselves!!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication#OFNR_process_model
The link on NVC is interesting, as is the idea of practicing it with ourselves. Maybe that's what I really need right now. I notice when I'm reading it with the idea of applying it to my communications with the person in question, I'm resisting the idea and growing tense.
I am not enjoying communicating with him or feeling any empathy with him at all. I resent his assertions that he knows better than anyone else how things should be done in our choir (not my decision), that he should be given more solos (not my decision), and that most other people are just inadequate or idiots (my phrasing, but that's the gist of most of the rants).
My spambox question was sort of a joke, but reality is, I become tense as soon as I see his e-mail address in my mailbox.
I'm really getting my buttons pushed with this one, and I'm also aware that the same thing is happening with most other people he communicates with. Most of them eventually quit responding and avoid him. For that reason, and because this is a church situation, I feel guilty about doing the same. But responding to him on seems to encourage him to come to me more, with more complaints and assertions. He sees me as a pathway to get messages to our senior director (who just ignores him).
What I see in myself is that I allow my own ego to get involved, and my serious need to be "right." And fear. I apparently have a fear that agreeing with him or validating his conclusions will just escalate his demands for attention. And I guess I'm mad that everyone else is getting away with just ignoring him, so mine is the only door he will beat on anymore. And I do feel sorry for him, at least for a few minutes until he pisses me off again.
So I craft responses to him as politely as I can muster. Then I carry the resentment around with me for hours afterward. Thus the question about letting go.
I'm tellin' ya. . . SPAMBOX is sounding pretty good right now.
I like your screenname. My father is a retired minister, and for most of my life he has been known as "Brother Bob".
They're called "Emotional Leeches".
They thrive on venting and putting all their anger and problems onto someone else.
I've known a couple and engaging with them is draining, taxing, depressing all-encompassing and overwhelming.
They take every ounce of any positive emotion we might have had, and crush it with their negative insistence.
There is a way of dealing with this, in a kind, compassionate and extremely effective way:
You get the e-mail.
You read it.
You smile and think, "Poor *name*. So full of Yuk."
Then you reply:
"Dear *Name*
Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. I can see it's making you feel very angry.
I hope it passes soon.....
Today *this wonderful thing happened to me, and that great thing happened too.*
Go through positive stuff that has happened to you, even if it was to say how perfect your steak/egg and fries/doughnut was.
In other words, let it fly completely over your head, and splat whoosh, against the wall behind you.
Acknowledge it, but don't feed it.
Understand it, but don't take it on as your own.
Countermand all crud with a great Tennis smash of *you're not doing this to me any more*.
You will find that they'll pick another victim, because it will hit them hard and fast that thery can't use you to fuel their resentment any more.
When you meet them, say "Hey! How are you?"
The moment they answer, just reply with "Hey, I got a wonderful card from my Great-aunt Muriel today! She's 179, you know! I don't know how she's made it this far, but she's always got a great smile on her face! What a woman! I hope I get to be that old and stay that happy!"
Or something like that.....(Yes, I made it up..... don't lie, if you can avoid it, but use something like it....)
In other words, you're telling them "I'm a happy person, and you can't take that away from me any more!"
The Buddha told us to not consort with Fools.
It makes us just as foolish, you know....
I promise you, this works.
Yup. That's exactly what's happening.
This is exactly what I needed to hear, and I thank you for it. I can do this.
I had another name for him, but I don't think it translated in Pali. . . :rolleyes:
I probably did a dumb thing with him this morning, but after re-reading his last blast of Yuk from a couple of days ago, I realized at the base of it was a simple request for assistance from the director in a rehearsal matter. But in the ongoing email exchange, when I recommended to him that he ask the director, his response (as always) was "I promise you, he doesn't want to hear what I have to say." Actually, he's right, but that's about bloviating, not requests for help.
So when he passed by after service, I nudged him over to the director and said to the director, "J. wants to ask you about some help with ________." I left them to themselves to discuss.
It was a spur of the moment reaction, and I admit, I was tired of hearing the "he doesn't want to hear from me" excuse.
This evening I received another e-mail, more venting, accusing me of marginalizing his concerns by putting him face to face with the director. I spent three hours with a knot in my stomach, unable to concentrate on the work I needed to be doing. I came back and read your suggestion over and over.
And I apologized to him for doing something that felt like marginalizing his concern. I expressed sympathy for his frustration, and appreciation for how much he cares about the upcoming performance. I told him how much I was looking forward to it, and how glad I was that he could see the potential in it.
Then I politely asked him to direct all of his future e-mails to the senior director because I did not feel capable of being a go-between any longer, and I put his e-mail in my spam filter.
Tomorrow is another day... :-/
But you're right.
By directing him to someone else, Face-to-face, what you did was actually validate his "Vedanjaluukaadness" and actually made him believe he had a point. However, he needed you to take it all off him, and do his 'dirty work' for him.
The reason he's been off-loading onto you, was because he thought he could use you as a whipping post, without having to ever face his responsibilities/demons.
You see, Emotional Leeches are also lazy and cowards.
You can provide them with every good, sound, workable piece of advice you can. Foolproof and absolutely 100% effective. It will solve their every problem, and take it all away from them.
But get this:
hey don't want it, and they won't do it.
Because if they solve their problem - what are they going to find to offload onto you?
You solved his problem.
You placed the solution bang fair-and-square in front of him.
You gave him no get-out, no opportunity for the 'yes but...' excuse, no means of running away or avoiding the solution.
So he let rip at you, and let you have it with both barrels.
This...?
....Is actually him being angry at you for stepping out of your 'offload donkey' role.
He's angry, because you dared to make him face his responsibilities.
And that's not what he wanted you to do.
So of course, his cowardice and laziness is YOUR fault.
You may not have got rid of him as easily as you think.
What may now happen, is that he begins to bad-mouth you to others....
Let us know how you get on, ok?
If that's the worst that happens, I can live with it. Much of the reason he behaves this way (in my opinion) is that he desperately wants respect and validation from the community. But the only way he knows to go after it is by grandstanding and putting a lot of negative energy out about other people who won't give him what he believes he deserves. As a result, his reputation is such that whatever he might say about me will have very little impact with anyone who knows me.
[My first interaction with him a year ago was a volatile rant about the incompetency and audacity of our organist, because she asked him to quiet down one Sunday morning. She's one of the most patient people I know, but he was singing so loud behind her that he not only drowned out everyone else, but she couldn't hear what she was playing on the big pipe organ. That was a first.
I *do* feel sorry for him, because it must be a miserable way to live. But I also recognize that he's in his late 50's and has behaved this way for a long time, through a divorce and a sketchy (unverifiable) job path. Pronouncing that everyone else sucks and he is an undiscovered musical genius makes him feel good. It's also a trait that won't likely change soon unless he seriously wants to turn himself around, and I don't see any openness to change after a year of experience with him.
And I suspect you're right, that this behavior gets him exactly what he wants--the opportunity to self-inflate his ego without having to actually step out and work for what he desires.
I grasp just enough of what's happening to let my "I can fix this by applying just the right mix of guidance and understanding" ego go into full gear. But it feels like a bottomless pit.
We'll see what happens. I will have to see him at rehearsals several times this week, and history shows that if he shows up, he will not confront me directly about it. On the other hand, he may choose to quit immediately and go tell some other church what jerks we are.
Especially since that's the way he came to us in the first place. . . .
I think it may be a mild melange of both....
The thing is, because nobody took you to one side, really early on, and said *Whispers* 'watch this guy....he's an 'Emotional leech' and will do all he can to suck you dry'...you practised what you hoped and believed was Wise compassion.
And the more he sucked you in, like quicksand, the more you struggled, floundered and got yourself in deeper.
The secret with quicksand - and Emotional leeches - is to relax and not struggle.
(I'm so good at metaphors....!
But now - you know.
And now, you'll recognise one at 20 paces.
The person that no matter what help you try to offer, will recoil, protest and whine that for whatever reason, the solutions will never work for them, because....
And as for 'ducking an opportunity to develop compassion in the end'...?
I think you did just that.
Practising Compassion includes yourself.
And you had to deal with the situation in such a way as to build him up and protect yourself.
you did the right thing.
However, whenever we give our compassion to others, there isn't anything written anywhere that says they must accept it in the way it is offered, or even respond positively to it, when it's given.
We can only give as openly, lovingly and as unconditionally as we can.
We practice compassion for the good of all, as skilfully as we can.
But our influence stops at the point our Compassion 'connects' with others.
The rest - is up to them.